What do I do!?

I've been dating this girl for around 7-8 months now, but we don't seem to be moving forward at all. Some background: She's fiercely independent and has a high regard for her achievements in life so far, but she is also fearful of our relationship, and distances herself because she doesn't want it to end up like her last (8+ years and then they just broke up). So she distances herself because she's too independent, and me trying to get close is in her mind a threat, and she distances herself even more because she's worried it'll be a waste of time.

She broke up with the last guy and was with me in a matter of a month, so wasn't really single at all. I also may have inadvertently aided in her break up - we fooled around when she was still with him, which for her confirmed her feelings that she no longer wanted him.

We had a "talk" a week ago, whereas she told me all about her concerns and fears, and that she wasn't sure if we should be together, but she doesn't want to break it off either.

Me, I was feeling ok about things, but now I find I'm getting anxious as to where all of this will end up. We don't get a lot of time together as she's busy with working shifts, renovating a house, seeing her friends, family etc (I'm currently unemployed due to a hand injury and can do nothing but sit and overthink every little detail - why I'm here).

So the question is, what do I do!? Do you think we're not very close because we don't spend enough time together? Or are we just a fundamentally flawed pairing?

Well maybe she is "not that into you"? I'm sorry to be so blunt but even if someone is fairly independent, if they really like you and have already been with you for eight months, they shouldn't be keeping you at arm's length. Seems like she wants to spend more time with other people....Plus if she's unsure about your relationship that's not really a good sign either.

Yeah that's the conclusion I keep coming to. I think we both we're not right for each other, but neither of us wants to take the leap and break it off...thing is the thought of not seeing her is painful, and that thought us reciprocal.

I think she isn't at all ready for a relationship.

Yeah that's the conclusion I keep coming to. I think we both we're not right for each other, but neither of us wants to take the leap and break it off...thing is the thought of not seeing her is painful, and that thought us reciprocal.

Yeah but you've spent eight months already on the wrong woman! The faster you let her go, the faster you have a chance to find someone more suitable for you. If you don't think it's going anywhere after all that time then I'm not so sure it'll get better. Even a busy person can make time for someone they're crazy about and she hasn't been making time for you.

It doesn't seem like it. Could it be worth just taking it real slow? Giving us both time to see if each other is actually what we want? We're both quite stressed from general life at the minute - she's at a point where she doesn't know what she wants to do job-wise, is pissed off with how long house renovations are taking, pissed off with her parents and friends and work always making demands of her free time - which is why I try and be not demanding in the slightest. I have a badly injured and can't work at the moment which has stopped me from working and doing my hobbies...I don't think those situations are lending anything to our state of minds.

If neither of us wants to break it off and when we are together it's really comfortable, not awkward and relaxing, is it worth hanging on until our lives have calmed down, then reassessing? Like it could just be other things casting a negative shadow?

She has trust issues and is a commitment phobe.

Move on.

Also, leave people alone that are involved. The behavior is sleazy!!!!

Also, leave people alone that are involved. The behavior is sleazy!!!!

We were both quite drunk and I stopped it from continuing as she was with someone, not justifying anything just explaining the situation.

Yeah that's the conclusion I keep coming to. I think we both we're not right for each other, but neither of us wants to take the leap and break it off...thing is the thought of not seeing her is painful, and that thought us reciprocal.

It doesn't seem like it. Could it be worth just taking it real slow? Giving us both time to see if each other is actually what we want? We're both quite stressed from general life at the minute - she's at a point where she doesn't know what she wants to do job-wise, is pissed off with how long house renovations are taking, pissed off with her parents and friends and work always making demands of her free time - which is why I try and be not demanding in the slightest. I have a badly injured and can't work at the moment which has stopped me from working and doing my hobbies...I don't think those situations are lending anything to our state of minds.

 

If neither of us wants to break it off and when we are together it's really comfortable, not awkward and relaxing, is it worth hanging on until our lives have calmed down, then reassessing? Like it could just be other things casting a negative shadow?

Well it's your life so do as you want to but relationships (especially after eight months) shouldn't just crumble so easily under pressure. Everyone experiences stress in life and the right person would just support you with that stress and go through it with you, not completely pull away from you. I mean, if you'd been spending a lot of time together prior to stress, that's different, but it doesn't sound like it from what you said.

She's not pulling away from me in that way, if I go to her with a problem she's there for me, and vice versa

I realise it sounds like I'm asking for advice and then telling people their advice is wrong, but I'm just trying to bounce ideas around and try and clear my head a little, everything is going in I assure you so don't take me the wrong way! (I.E - screw this guy, he's not even listening!)

I should add - The first few months we saw each other a lot and were all over each other, it's only since she started on her house that things have gone weird

She has trust issues. Period! You can try to make it sound more glamorous than it is (independent), but I think you know that it's a bunch of garbage.

Why does she think it's a waste?

I suggest you reread your post, as you are not being truthful with yourself. Stop the excuses!

I should add - The first few months we saw each other a lot and were all over each other, it's only since she started on her house that things have gone weird

Honeymoon period.

Read up on love attachment theory. Sounds like she could be a dismissive-avoidant. There are articles about this, but one I found really insightful for my own situation also has some excerpts that describe what's going on with you:

As your relationship progresses, you notice a complete change in your partner’s attitude. A "complete about face" occurs. Your partner is notably different from the person you first met.

 

In the initial part of addictive relationships, the love avoidant exhibits an illusion of intimacy, caring, and connection. They form an immediate attachment idealizing their love addict partner. They come on strong and appear charming, strong, stimulating, caring, generous, and devoted - (all seductive maneuver's). Then the relationship moves forward and soon enough the true colors of the love avoidant emerge. The charm, attention, and seductiveness go out the door- no more! The seemingly once available “magical” person you fallen for becomes cold, devaluing, and disengaged.

You eventually feel a shift in your partner’s attitude. You sense your partner is not really ‘showing up’ in the relationship. And it is true- because a love avoidant is busy with their behavioral or emotional distancing strategies which are used to impede closeness and squelch intimacy.

 

For example, the love avoidant will compulsively focus outside the relationship. Instead of seeking intensity in the relationship, they seek intensity outside the relationship with the use of various behaviors and distractions (i.e., staying very busy with activities, hobbies, internet, partying, gardening, gaming, playing sports, shopping, spending all their time volunteering, or much more time with friends or family, etc.).

Also, coming out of an eight-year relationship, I really think she probably did herself a disservice by getting immediately involved with someone else.

While she matches up with some of the symptoms of a love avoidant, I think another possible answer is that you were a rebound and she's just not ready for another serious relationship so soon after the end of a near-decade-long relationship.

blanco, sounds like you could be right there on both parts, seems like I need to have a sit down with myself. Thanks people

I think it would help if you can find something you can do to occupy yourself - something with real purpose that will require focus (that will not require the hand with the injury.) Yes massive red flags with respect to her rebounding so quickly with you after 8 years with someone else - the MO of a rebound is what you describe (quickly into someone, and then falling away shortly after with no concrete explanation). But you have a lot of time to stew given you are unemployed which can really skew your thought process.