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Need insight into the minds of guys


becca12334

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So last year, I started law school. The few days before classes officially started, a bunch of us started hanging out to try to get to know each other and make friends. There was one guy who spent all of those days basically following me around, flirting, trying to get to know me. We had insane chemistry and clicked right away. He got my number and started texting me constantly. We spent every moment together all of last year, texting and/or being with each other 24/7 until a few days ago when we broke up. He seemed to really care about me while we were together. He would say things like "you complete me in a way I didn't know was possible" and "I want to spend every day making you as happy as you make me". He got me thoughtful gifts and whenever I got mad at him, he would come running to make sure I wasn't mad for more than 5 minutes. We live in the same apartment complex, so sometimes when I was having a bad day, he would leave flowers on my car. Our first date was the most perfect NYC rooftop restaurant, boat ride in central park, etc. We took a few fun trips together. He truly was an ideal boyfriend, other than the constant pressuring me to change. The major issue in our relationship was that I don't plan to have sex until marriage. I was completely upfront with him about this and told him after only a week of knowing him. I told him he had an out right there and that I wouldn't be upset. He didn't take the out. But he spent the year trying to get me to change my mind. Eventually, our vastly different lifestyles (mainly the sex issue) became too much. I started being distant, he asked what was wrong, I told him, and he agreed completely and we decided it would be best to break up. He would never accept not having sex until marriage, and I didn't want to change.

 

 

So we broke up on Thursday... I get back to school and find that he started hanging out with another girl on Friday. And he seems to really like this girl. 1 day later!! When I questioned him about it, he told me that he didn't plan for this to happen with this girl and that he didn't intend to hurt me. When I ask him how he's completely fine without me and doesn't miss me (while I remember him everywhere I go because we used to do everything together), he says that he sees me as a friend. He's offered to give me "boy advice" for gods sake. Like he has no romantic feelings for me whatsoever, although just a month ago when I was on vacation, he was telling me how hard it was for him that I wasn't there and how badly he missed me.

 

He's being sweet now, admitting that his actions haven't been good since the breakup, but he apparently really likes the girl, and saying that he still wants us to be friends because we're "better as friends anyway". Dealing with a breakup is hard enough as it is... I also have to deal with the fact that he claims he doesn't feel anything but friendship for me and he's completely fine without me, I have to deal with starting a new school year and not being able to focus at all, and I have to deal with the fact that him and his new girlfriend both go to school with me and he lives right next to me so I'm playing the car monitoring game every day. My heart sinks when his car is gone for a few hours because I imagine him telling her all the things he told me, taking her to the same places.

 

Does he really not feel sad/care at all? Is he trying to convince himself that we were nothing in order to justify to himself jumping into another relationship less than 24 hours later? Help me understand because I really don't know what to do anymore.

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He detached along time ago. So it was much easier for him to move on. My ex wife did the same thing.

But if you are truly saving yourself for marriage and he couldn't respect that or handle it then it's better to let him go. There's nothing wrong with your decision and you will find a man that will honor your commitment. Focus on law school and the rest will fall into place. You have enough on your plate with your career choice,

You'll make someone a great wife and be a great mom. There's no hurry you have plenty of time!

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Adult relationships generally involve physical intimacy. Your choice to remain a virgin is admirable, and his ability to refrain and remain with your for a year is impressive. However, relationships without intimacy...and no time frame for changing that (2 more years of law school)...are friendships.

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Well I guess he really did really like you but majority of people may not go without sex forever I think....Myself included because I'm OK with sex before marriage and I suppose in your relationship it was just a clash of opinions and beliefs. He probably shouldn't have dated you if sex was really important to him but I suppose he did try to hang in there for a long time....Unfortunately for a relationship to work you may have to date guys who share your ideals about no sex before marriage. It wasn't fair that your ex wanted you to change but it's also not fair that you expected him to conform to your ideals either. He may not necessarily be "fine" without you but he just realised you're not a good match so he forced himself to move on.

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Break ups are just hard. He was trying to change you all this time, so that tells you something, he kind of wanted a different version of you. His way of dealing may be to focus elsewhere, and think differently than you are. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. Who knows what he is feeling? The hard part is training yourself not to focus there, but to focus on you, and a happier you down the road.

 

Some people do wait for marriage before having sex. I know a couple older women who've changed their thinking to that, now in their 40's, been in relationships, been sexual, but now feel they no longer want it without the commitment of marriage, so they'll wait until the find someone who respects that. Sure you'll get different opinions, but it's ok for you to do what is right for you. Of course you're not asking about that, and I assume you are confident in your choice.

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I dont agree with nonsense like "he wanted a different version of you", "he didn't respect you", "he wanted to change you".. blah blah freaking blah.

 

The way I see it, he loved you exactly the way you are... he just wanted intimacy, too.

 

That doesn't make him a jerk, it makes him human.

 

Sure, take pride in your virginity (will never understand why it is SUCH a holy, sacred thing to some women...), but dont expect a lot of guys to stay with you for very long unless they are as conservative/religious/whatever as you.

 

I know you want to see yourself as the victim, poor you who has to watch him fall in love with another girl. But you made it very easy for him to see you merely as a friend, considering there was never any sexual intimacy between the two of you in the first place.

 

I cannot blame this guy one bit, sorry.

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It's a personal choice. You look at sex as a casual thing. Some people see it as something more special. Not sure why you're so angry about someone else's personal choice. But there was a level of physical intimacy, just not the level that he wanted. I did certain things in order to make him happy but I wasn't willing to completely give up my principles. He knew what he was getting into, it's not like I lied to him or led him on, so I don't see why you're attacking me here as if me not having sex with him was a crime.

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How exactly was I attacking you - by not going "ow what a JERK! good RIDDANCE, GIRL!" but actually seeing his side of things and explaining to you why it is so obvious that he sees you as a friend only?

 

You do know there is a grey area between not having sex before marriage and treating sex as a casual thing. Just because I do not treat virginity as if it is something superduper holy (because it's just not), doesn't mean I dont see having sex as anything special. It's not black or white/one extreme or the other. I dont really have casual sex, but I also dont take it so seriously that I'd make a guy marry me before I "give it to him", especially seeing as sexual compatibility is one of the key factors to a relationship. So I certainly wouldn't expect someone to not wanna know what it's like to be with me intimately before taking a huge step such as marriage.

 

But there we just differ in values/beliefs. Thats okay. I'm just saying there's no need to act like he did you wrong and you're the poor victim. This whole thing is pretty clear and there's not a "bad guy" in this story, as much as you want him to be.

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How exactly was I attacking you

 

By this, came accross unnecessarily snarky:

 

I dont agree with nonsense

 

poor you who has to watch him fall in love with another girl.

 

No one is calling him a jerk. She's hurting from a break up, and is human, too. Ease up.

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You blamed every problem on me not having sex with him, as if I'm required to do that and if I don't, I deserve to be hurt. I was completely open and honest with him. I gave him several opportunities to walk away with no hard feelings and he chose to stay every time. I'm not upset with him because we broke up. I'm upset because he couldn't even wait 24 hours before jumping into something new right in front of me. Even if he only cares about me as a friend, that's pretty cruel. He even admitted that he wouldn't be thrilled if I had done the same. I just don't see why you seem to be thinking of him as the victim.

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As humans, we need to understand that we can't control the people we are with. In that vein, you wish to control someone who you're no longer with. That's silly and will only cause you more pain down the line. Some people heal slowly, while others jump right into a new relationship. Chances are that he felt for a long time that the two of you were really only friends because of the no sex issue. I imagine he really liked you, which is why he never took the "out" to walk away when you gave it to him.

 

In conclusion, you two were just incompatible. It doesn't make one or the other a bad person. It just makes you different. But, really, heal in your own way from this relationship and don't worry about his own healing. That will cause nobody pain but you.

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You blamed every problem on me not having sex with him,...

This was directed at someone else, but honestly, it seemed like in the OP, you did the same thing.

Eventually, our vastly different lifestyles (mainly the sex issue) became too much. I started being distant, he asked what was wrong, I told him, and he agreed completely and we decided it would be best to break up. He would never accept not having sex until marriage, and I didn't want to change...

You two were just incompatible. Find someone else who shares your opinions on pre-marital sex.

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I will be the first one to recommend holding off on intimacy at the beginning of the relationship.

 

But 1 year in, you guys need to get intimate and see if you are compatible in that department!!! This can be a deal breaker for both you and him.

 

You and him both invested the time to build a solid foundation....it's time for intimacy now.

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You blamed every problem on me not having sex with him, as if I'm required to do that and if I don't, I deserve to be hurt. I was completely open and honest with him. I gave him several opportunities to walk away with no hard feelings and he chose to stay every time. I'm not upset with him because we broke up. I'm upset because he couldn't even wait 24 hours before jumping into something new right in front of me. Even if he only cares about me as a friend, that's pretty cruel. He even admitted that he wouldn't be thrilled if I had done the same. I just don't see why you seem to be thinking of him as the victim.
Of course you don't deserve to be hurt. But you need to be ready to get hurt. Your morals are your morals and that's fine, but they have zero logical bearing and outside of meeting someone who's asexual or Mormon, you're going to have a very hard time finding someone who can stick it out. You offered this guy an out. He didn't take it because he didn't want to. He very well may have believed he could have waited, and if he went a year without sex, it's safe to say the guy loved you and gave the ol' college effort.

 

But no. He didn't jump into something new right in front of you. You evidently "found out" and then proceeded to question him about it. Don't ask for details you know will only hurt you.

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OP, I think this is unfortunate but in today's day and age people who want to wait for marriage to have sex are a minority. Any minority in our society can have troubles with various things. I met an asexual guy on a dating site and he said it had been basically impossible to find anyone who only just wanted to cuddle and have the emotional companionship. I think unless you run in very religious circles you may find it hard to find someone who shares your beliefs. Hard, but not impossible, so don't give up and keep looking. I completely respect your choice and I don't think you should have to change for anyone. But saying you want to wait until marriage can actually put people in a strange situation and make them feel uneasy. I just imagined if it was me and a person told me that, I would feel like I really need intimacy and while I would be prepared to wait for it, maybe only a few months. The idea of dating is to see how everything goes and whether later down the track they may want to get married. Some people are together for a few years before they marry. I think my main concern would be what if I'm with that person for a number of years but then we just break up and all that time I could have been dating someone else who wanted to share intimacy with me? I think in your case it's definitely better to find someone who shares your beliefs because otherwise a similar thing may happen as with your sex.

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By this, came accross unnecessarily snarky:

 

 

 

No one is calling him a jerk. She's hurting from a break up, and is human, too. Ease up.

 

Oh puh-lease. Sensitive much? There are certain posters on here who write things like that, and even snarkier things, on a regular basis. I dont see anyone complaining about it.

 

"Poor you" = stop wallowing in self-pity (which, based on a certain paragraph in her OP, she obviously does). I'm not being snarky, but I'm just not sugar coating things either.

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Oh puh-lease. Sensitive much? There are certain posters on here who write things like that, and even snarkier things, on a regular basis. I dont see anyone complaining about it.

 

"Poor you" = stop wallowing in self-pity (which, based on a certain paragraph in her OP, she obviously does). I'm not being snarky, but I'm just not sugar coating things either.

 

I thought your posts were fine. I didn't see them as snarky. Depending on who the poster is, certain comments are tolerated more than others.

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He was trying to change you all this time, he kind of wanted a different version of you.

 

I dont agree with nonsense like "he wanted a different version of you", "he didn't respect you", "he wanted to change you".. blah blah freaking blah.

 

...Now everything makes a lot more sense!

 

It's ok, it's normal to feel a little irritated when someone directly disagrees with something you say. Hope you find healthy ways of blowing off your steam, preferably ones that dont include continuing to comment on my every post accusing me of being snarky.

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Bunney, I do think you came accross as really harsh and judgemental. I'm not even sure if OP was feeling sorry for herself. She just obviously liked this guy a lot and she's really sad and hurting. I mean if he's literally with another girl straight away, that obviously is painful to see. The other thing is she told him literally straight up and many times during dating that she was very firm on her beliefs and he had a way out. He was with her for a year so I guess she thought he was OK with it. Dating is about being honest and upfront and she did that. It's just unfortunate because 50-60 years ago people largely did believe in no sex before marriage and if OP lived in that time she would have been fine. Now our society has just changed so much and it's very unfortunate for people who don't conform to majority's beliefs.

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