I think my fiance and I are done - trust issues

My fiance and I have been dating for 14 months. So far it has been the best relationship I ever had. Except for one issue.

When I meet him I said I would never date a man with children. I do not like kids and I am not interested in people who have to coparent etc.

He lied to me about it. He said he did not have kids when in fact he has 2 grown kids (in their 20's). They are estranged and for what I could read in the court records he did try to have a role in their lives but the mother was crazy ( not the regular crazy but the type of crazy that takes 5 men to paternity court because she does not even know who is the father). My fiance never requested DNA tests so at the end he is not sure IF he is the actual father even though he has fulfilled his financial obligations.

Which brings me to our current issue. I want to go on a cruise and he needs a passport. He claims he lost his birth certificate and has been dragging his feet about getting a new one. Last night he showed me the recepit for a new one he just ordered. And turned his condo upside down looking for the old one. I just got irritated and told him he does not have to come on the trip (BTW I am paying for the whole trip), but that it seems to me he does not want to get a passport because he might be behind in child support for a child I do not know about. We argued and argued last night and this morning. I do not know what to do. He already lied about the issue and even though I asked his relatives I still feel like I am being fooled.

tl;dr: Fiance lied and Now I cant trust again

Did he lie though? You said it yourself, mother is crazy and was sleeping around.....chances are high they are not his kids.

Until DNA tests are done, it's safe to assume that they are not his. I don't see that as a lie. He simply doesn't know and can't find out so the current status is: no kids.

And even if he did, they are grown up and "adults" now.......and you will never have to deal with them etc.

I think you are making way bigger deal out of than it is.

Also, it seems like you are rather angry and in not a good state of mind to be making this kind of decision. Give it some time/few days and clear your head and really think about this when things are back to normal.

Never EVER make big/lifetime decisions why in the state of great anger or happiness.

Good luck

The kids are adults....so that is a non issue.

The passport thing...he has something to hide.

Why are you apying for the trip for both of you?

I would assume that lying is part of who he is.

Last night he showed me the recepit for a new one he just ordered.

Look, not cool at all that he lied about not having kids. But if the guy doesn't have the birth certificate, he doesn't have it. I know I've lost mine in moves, and if he hasn't had reason to pull it out in what could be decades, it's not surprising he may have misplaced his.

You either forgive this guy for the lie or you don't. That one is up to you. But you can't use it as something to hold over him when he, by your own account, seems to be putting in a genuine effort and doing what needs to be done.

If he can't get the passport in time, then go without him.

tl;dr: Either forgive him or leave him and save him from a life of his wife's insecure nagging.

Thanks DoF my only beef is the lie. He never explained this to me; I found out by random chance.

I am very upset and so is he, he is not communicating with me at all today. We normally talk during the day but he has not answered any of my txts today, which is very suspicious. I am not contacting him anymore. My gut is telling me there is some issue he just do not want me to know (as were his children).

Thanks DoF my only beef is the lie. He never explained this to me; I found out by random chance.

 

I am very upset and so is he, he is not communicating with me at all today. We normally talk during the day but he has not answered any of my txts today, which is very suspicious. I am not contacting him anymore. My gut is telling me there is some issue he just do not want me to know (as were his children).

He probably sees this is going to be a recurring issue and is thinking the engagement over.

Thanks DoF my only beef is the lie. He never explained this to me; I found out by random chance.

 

I am very upset and so is he, he is not communicating with me at all today. We normally talk during the day but he has not answered any of my txts today, which is very suspicious. I am not contacting him anymore. My gut is telling me there is some issue he just do not want me to know (as were his children).

It could be. Keep digging, it seems like he has some history that you shoudl be aware of.

Just the fact that he was with "crazy" would be a red flag, let's face it, it takes a special guy to do that hehe

The kids are adults....so that is a non issue.

The passport thing...he has something to hide.

Why are you apying for the trip for both of you?

 

I would assume that lying is part of who he is.

He pays a little. I just really want to go and invited him.

What is he upset about? That you found out?

No, he probably just doesn't want to talk to the woman who accused him of being a deadbeat who doesn't pay child support after he'd just flipped his house looking for a document and ordered a new one just in case.

 

He probably sees this is going to be a recurring issue and is thinking the engagement over.

It is a recurring issue and I cant get over it. But the truth of the matter is he lied. And I do not know if I can get pass that. I mean he lied.

No, he probably just doesn't want to talk to the woman who accused him of being a deadbeat who doesn't pay child support after he'd just flipped his house looking for a document and ordered a new one just in case.

 

He probably sees this is going to be a recurring issue and is thinking the engagement over.

I agree

He doesn't even know if the kids are his......he even went up and beyond to find out, but couldn't.

I think OP over reacted a bit.

Current status is: no kids.

There is no lie OP, should he have shared that with you, perhaps but let's face it, early in the relationship.......getting into "crazy ex" talks is probably not the best thing to do. Hard to blame the guy.

It is a recurring issue and I cant get over it. But the truth of the matter is he lied. And I do not know if I can get pass that. I mean he lied.

What is he upset about? That you found out?

He said he is upset because he thought we were past the first lie.

Then dump him.

I appreciate your advise. That seems to be the next course of action. I just can't be with someone who lies. I do not know if he is lying about the passport. His reactions are those of someone who is. IMO

He said he is upset because he thought we were past the first lie.

How is that a lie though?

He doesn't know if they are even his.......there was no DNA test and we know the lady is crazy and slept around with bunch of guys.

Again, my bet is on "they are not his kids".

I see no lie

How is that a lie though?

 

He doesn't know if they are even his.......there was no DNA test and we know the lady is crazy and slept around with bunch of guys.

 

Again, my bet is on "they are not his kids".

 

I see no lie

He went to court and sweared (No DNA test though, I have the court transcripts) that the kids were his. He was young and naive so I give him that.

But we talked for 3 months before our fist date and I specifically asked the question "do you have any kids" and he said I have never fathered a child.

He paid for those kids, and had visitation rights etc.

So he lied.

Focus on the passport thing, that is a red flag. You're paying for an entire cruise and most people would be leaping over bodies to get that opportunity, but he is dragging his feet. Something is off and he doesn't want to tell you, but a regular person would say something like, "Look, I'm scared of boats, I don't want to go on this cruise" instead. And while these are adult children you now found evidence of a third? Plus yeah, he lied point blank and really he didn't even need to do so. Why didn't he just tell you up front all of what he told you?

I can understand the trust issues. What else isn't he telling you about? Lying at the beginning of a relationship, at any point really, is a very bad sign of things to come.

I guess I can understand that he wasn't truthful about having kids. But they are grown up and not part of his life. They are estranged. So really, it's like not having kids.

He ordered a new birth certificate so he can get the passport. He even showed you the receipt. Why are you still upset about it?

I think you're splitting hairs and overreacting, OP.

But if you can't forgive, then break off the engagement and move on.

Focus on the passport thing, that is a red flag. You're paying for an entire cruise and most people would be leaping over bodies to get that opportunity, but he is dragging his feet.

 

And while these are adult children you now found evidence of a third? Plus yeah, he lied. Why didn't he just tell you up front all of what he told you? I can understand the trust issues. What else isn't he telling you about?

I have found no evidence of a third child. I believe he is dragging getting a passport because people with child suppor issues like payments that are behind cannot get passports.

The lie is over. Done. It was and continues to be your responsibility to decide whether you forgive him for it or if you're going to leave the relationship. But you have no right to hold it over his head for something that could very well be unrelated. The man flipped his house looking for his birth certificate. He even ordered a new one. Your reaction? "You probably didn't pay child support." The guy literally can't win. I think you're lucky if he goes less than a week without talking to you.

14 months and engaged sounds like it's been pure infatuation leading to this point anyhow. I think both you and him would stand to benefit from cutting your losses.

I guess I can understand that he wasn't truthful about having kids. But they are grown up and not part of his life. They are estranged. So really, it's like not having kids.

 

He ordered a new birth certificate so he can get the passport. He even showed you the receipt. Why are you still upset about it?

 

I think you're splitting hairs and overreacting, OP.

 

But if you can't forgive, then break off the engagement and move on.

My fiance is the type of man that when we wants something he makes it happen. Except for the passport. He just cannot get that passport even with an offer of an all expenses paid trip

I haven't been able to forgive the lies. I feel he tricked me into this relationship. I would have never gone on the 1st date if I would have known about ANY children. Grown or small.

My Bf took forever to get his passport updated....no kids, no tax issues, no nothing. Just lazy.

The lie is over. Done. It was and continues to be your responsibility to decide whether you forgive him for it or if you're going to leave the relationship. But you have no right to hold it over his head for something that could very well be unrelated. The man flipped his house looking for his birth certificate. He even ordered a new one. Your reaction? "You probably didn't pay child support." The guy literally can't win. I think you're lucky if he goes less than a week without talking to you.

 

14 months and engaged sounds like it's been pure infatuation leading to this point anyhow. I think both you and him would stand to benefit from cutting your losses.

If he does not talk to me I can see us breaking up sooner than that. We always talk. Even if we fight.

Unless he is hiding something. In any case I am really unhappy and I do feel that breaking up is for the best.

I have found no evidence of a third child. I believe he is dragging getting a passport because people with child suppor issues like payments that are behind cannot get passports.

It think that's a stretch.

But it you don't trust him, you don't trust him.

Congrats on never lying though. That's impressive.

I haven't been able to forgive the lies. I feel he tricked me into this relationship. I would have never gone on the 1st date if I would have known about ANY children. Grown or small.

If you're that set against children, and found out he does (for all intents and purposes) indeed have them; then it's better to just end it completely. You'll never forgive him and it will end eventually.