Breaking up is hard to do

I have decided that it is time to end my relationship with my husband. We have spent 10 years together and I have been very unhappy for a very long time. I love him but as a friend, not a partner. I feel like I need to move on with my life but I am struggling to come to grips with how I am going to end this relationship as I know he will be crushed. We don't have fun together any more, we don't have sex (3 times this year), we don't know how to talk about anything, we don't know how to sort out our problems, financially we are a mess and we are still living the exact same way we did when we first moved in together all those years ago (ie irresponsibly). We have tried counselling and nothing changes and we live separate lives that don't often include the other. I have been looking at and becoming interested in other men and I want to leave this relationship before I am too tempted and while I still have some dignity and respect.

I don't know how I am going to start the conversation or how I am going to cope with causing him the ultimate hurt. I dont think he sees how terrible our relationship has become over the years. Any advice as to what I can say and do? And how to stay focussed on my decision?

First of all, FULL MARKS to you for doing this before cheating. Hopefully, you will have read all the threads on here from people who have been cheated on.

Secondly, I see your side of the story but I feel sorry for BOTH of you.

Thirdly, I see some parallels in my first marriage but will not make the mistake of thinking it's the same. It isn't.

Now I can only guess what he’s thinking but one thing is for sure. Telling him how you feel should not come as a surprise, as you’ve already been to counselling. However, it is quite possible that he is clinging to the marriage because he’s scared of being alone in the “big wide world”. To be honest with you, that part will be hard for both of you. The world will have changed a lot in the 10 years you were together. There will be the question of what will happen with mutual friends. Are you the “baddie” for leaving or is he the “baddie” if he tries to cling on.

It is also possible that he is behaving like an ostrich. Apart from no fun and marital manoeuvres, has his general behaviour changed? Has he stopped withdrawing from other people and interests? Is he inclined to stare into space for long periods?

It is likely that both of you are suffering from some degree of depression. You may also both need some support when you split.

From what you’ve said and I believe you 100%, you have tried all you can, you have been patient and given more than a reasonable time to see if things could recover. They clearly haven’t.

You won’t think this is fair and (in retrospect) neither do I but he will probably lash out verbally and blame you for everything.

If you are lucky, he will simply turn round and say that he feels the same as you but didn’t have the guts to be the first to say it.

I havent got a clue how to approach the ending of a ten year marriage , apart from sit him down and just let it all come out ......

I am mainly making this post to just wish you well and send you a little bit of positivity to get through this x

why are you sure he doesn't see how bad it is? It sounds like you both live separate lives so he must've felt unfulfilled as well...

I think as long as you're honest and state your reasons as clearly and calmly as you did here you'll do just fine.

I'm also guessing that most discussions about divorce are not just painful for both parties but also turn into an argument, so it's not like you're a monster if it goes really bad. it's just...well, a big deal for most people so they react emotionally and defensively.

Just don't postpone the decision out of fear of a single confrontation.

I agree with rainy and MWD ..he surely must see what you see for himself and I am 90% sure this isnt going to be a shock for him .

I know, right, even if he's settled he can't be blind to the fact they're flatmates basically.

yeah there is no way he doesn't know himself ...even if he has stuck his head in the sand all these years ...

why are you sure he doesn't see how bad it is? It sounds like you both live separate lives so he must've felt unfulfilled as well...

I think as long as you're honest and state your reasons as clearly and calmly as you did here you'll do just fine.

I'm also guessing that most discussions about divorce are not just painful for both parties but also turn into an argument, so it's not like you're a monster if it goes really bad. it's just...well, a big deal for most people so they react emotionally and defensively.

 

Just don't postpone the decision out of fear of a single confrontation.

I've been through a divorce and probably a high percentage of people here have. For me, at least, it was the break-up that was painful. I think it is bad when one wants to leave and the other doesn't. Unfortunately, I think this is the majority of cases.

We have had the same argument over and over again when i have tried to tell him I am not happy with the state of our relationship. He always says that he thought things were ok or tried to turn the situation around back onto me..when we started counseling all he could say is "we shouldn't be here". We stopped the counseling because once i stopped organising appointments he didnt book any so it mustn't of mattered to him. Its strange, he knows and can feel me pulling away and disconnecting but instead of trying to make it better he just gets very critical of me and makes comments about everything I do. Go figure.

Do you want to save your marriage or do you want out?

What it is the single thing that you want most from your husband?

We have had the same argument over and over again when i have tried to tell him I am not happy with the state of our relationship. He always says that he thought things were ok or tried to turn the situation around back onto me..when we started counseling all he could say is "we shouldn't be here". We stopped the counseling because once i stopped organising appointments he didnt book any so it mustn't of mattered to him. Its strange, he knows and can feel me pulling away and disconnecting but instead of trying to make it better he just gets very critical of me and makes comments about everything I do. Go figure.

Without speaking to him, I can't "go figure" and my people skills aren't that great. What it sounds like is "I'm OK and if you're not OK, the problem is you. I'm angry with you for not being OK and you're going to shatter my perfect little world by going off the rails. I don't want to change and don't understand why you want to".

Now, of course, you are not OK and you're perfectly entitled to feel that way. Even if you didn't feel entitled to "feel that way", the fact is that you do. That does not make you a bad person. I'm not justifying his feelings but, from what I understand, he is angry with you for wanting to leave.

I'm not one to break a marriage nor advise others to break one lightly but he won't (can't) change and you don't want things to stay as they are, so it's curtains. In a nutshell, that's what you have to tell him.