Pathetic

4 months into being dumped, 3 of those with full NC and I'm still as upset as day 1. I'm still checking my phone constantly hoping to see her text me. I hear a car outside my house and I have to look out the window every time and see if it's her pulling into my driveway to tell me she's made a mistake. I still INSTANTLY think about her as soon as I wake up in the morning. I'm still fighting back tears throughout the day and breaking down. Still having to lock myself in the bathroom at work to bawl like a baby for a few minutes then wash my face off, go back to work, and do it again in a few hours. Still too afraid to go to Wal-Mart or any of the stores I know she shops at in town out of fear I might run into her. Still drinking alone two or three times a week until I'm passed out because it's the only way to numb myself to it all. Still blowing up my poor sister's phone with paragraph after paragraph of how miserable I feel on a daily basis. Still MADLY in love with someone who obliterated my heart after two and a half years of telling me she loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted to have kids with me.

I mean she'd send these long heartfelt texts to me randomly about how I'm the love of her life, how fatherhood will look better on me than any tight fitting leather jacket I could possibly ever wear, how she's gonna stand in front of friends and family one day and take the last name she always should've had. How I treated her better than anyone else ever has and how much of a good boyfriend I was and good father figure I was to her daughter. Spent two and a half years saying all this bullcrap about me. Making me believe she was in it for the long haul. That I was her soul mate. That she cared about me and loved my family and yadda yadda yadda mushy mushy mushy lie lie lie... all to just run into a rough patch in our relationship like ALL OF THEM DO AT SOME POINT. And then toss me aside like garbage after spending 2 weeks "thinking about it and gaining clarity"

In two weeks she gained clarity of a 2 and a half year relationship? 2 weeks thinking about it she decided I was the one who was no good for her? Saying stuff like "there was more bad than good" and "I've been spending time with some of the people I grew up with and getting pieces of myself back"

Pieces of herself?! PIECES OF HERSELF?! What about my pieces?? All the pieces of myself that I lost when she spent our entire relationship texting her ex husband who is NOT the father of her child so has no ties with her left except she still has his last name legally so has NO reason to keep in touch with him. Who by the way, cheated on her in their marriage within the first year!

Texting him pictures of the sunrise on the beach that she got up early to watch without asking me to join her while we're on vacation with my family!? Deleting all or partial conversations with him and creating all kinds of paranoia for me to deal with and then calling me insecure for being bothered by it. Getting so drunk at a family get together of mine that she out of the blue and unprovoked physically attacked me, my family members and some of our friends then disappeared into the middle of the night with no shoes, no cell phone, no id, and let some stranger driving by pick her up and take her to bar in town where she was irate and causing a scene all while I'm running all over town screaming her name worried out of my mind trying to find her. Wanting to call the cops because I'm afraid she could be hurt or passed out or God knows what but not calling them because I don't want her to get in trouble. 32 year old woman who has a 14 year old daughter at home gets that reckless and over what do you ask? According to her, something she saw at the party triggered some memories of her ex husband cheating on her so she got angry and decided to take it out in everyone, especially me. Someone who never so much as looked at another woman while with her and would never ever have cheated on her.

But no. She had no feelings left for him. It was just all about forgiving and moving on. That's the only reason she was talking to him. And me, i was just some over emotional, sensitive, controlling, jealous, insecure baby for EVER having any kind of thought about it or ever trying to lay down some boundaries which all relationships have.

This is a woman who on numerous occasions when drunk would be so cold and cruel to me that I'd break down and cry and she'd actually mock me. Making a mocking crying sound right in front of me. Then deny ever doing it the next morning.

A woman who never once in 2 and a half years apologized for a single thing she ever said or did. Whose pride was so enormous that she could never admit to being wrong or doing anything wrong. Who was never able to compromise on anything or be vulnerable around me. Who could never admit to having insecurities of her own and jealousy of her own. And trust me, she did. I saw her insecure side and her jealous side many times. But I never once called attention to it like she always did to mine. She would've dumped me on the spot if I ever continued to talk to one of my exes after telling me she was uncomfortable with it, calling her ridiculous and insecure at the same time. Would've dumped me on the spot for attacking her, her friends, and family. Would've dumped me on the spot if I ever stopped showing interest in her sexually like she did me. Would've dumped me on the spot if I would've spent every date we ever had together staring down at my phone.

But in the end, what did she dump me for? What was her reasoning? That I was too "unstable" for her and her daughter That she didn't want to have to deal with my insecurities her whole life. That she didn't want to have to give up her friends for me.

I never held her back from anything. Never told her she couldn't be with her friends. Guys or girls. Never forbid her from a single thing. I never controlled her or tried to control her. Never took "pieces" from her.

Pieces. That's rich.

Unstable. That's funny.

I put so much effort into our relationship. So many thoughtful gestures to show her how much I loved her, not just saying it, but showing it. So many days complimenting her and making sure she felt wanted and attractive. I put up with so much one sidedness and being called unstable and over emotional. Put up with so many blantant lies. Lived with a giant elephant in the room because I had so much resentment towards her towards the end for making me feel so pathetic all the time for wanting her love and affection and reassurance but NEVER being able to talk to her about any of it because she is impossible to talk to.

I was loyal to a fault to that woman. But the second I became unhappy with what state our relationship was in and wanted to fix it, she splits. The minute she has to put in the kind of effort to make something work, she's out. Washing her hands clean of it. Dumping me. Walking away with her head held high, my dignity under heel, like it was the best decision of her life to leave me. Coldly telling me, as I'm crying to her and asking her why... "This isn't the first break up that's ever happened, I'm pretty positive you're gonna survive. Get it together"

All that emotional abuse. And who's the one that's heartbroken over the relationship? Me. Who's the one who's needed pills for depression since she left? Me. Who's the one who cries 4 months later? Me. Who's the one who still can't even find another person attractive in a way that i would be interested in dating them because she's still all I see when I look at another woman? Me. Who's the one on a break up message board posting long, sad ridiculously desperate rants with tears in their eyes? Me.

4 months later and I'm still heartbroken and she's still perfectly fine.

Who does all this say more about. Me or her.

Pah-the-tic.

My wife dumped me after 24 years. It sucks I get it 100%. But I would recommend stopping drinking for a good while. I quit cold turkey for about 7 months not even a sip to get my head on straight. Hit the gym hard. Alcohol is a depressant and won't help at all taking anti depressants. Stop the booze and work on yourself.

You will then be able to knock her off the pedestal you have her on. Once your head is clear read what you posted and you will see you're better off single than dealing with this stress in your life.

I think you need to reread your post. over and over. I don't understand what you're missing, other than an unhealthy relationship.

This woman was not over her ex, and this should have been a huge red flag, among many others.

Get some therapy! I would also look into co dependency.

Loyalty is an admirable trait to those who deserve it. This woman was a yard sale.

AJ,

If you want to be angry, be angry. But don't be angry at yourself. It takes courage to love someone and while I'd encourage you to take every lesson you can from this situation, beating yourself up isn't going to help. It's just going to keep you angry and depressed.

You tried to love someone who for whatever reason was unable to treat you fairly. That's on her, not on you. You should never be ashamed of yourself for trying to love someone, even if they don't deserve it.

If it makes you feel any better, I broke NC and sent an email today.....and it's been much longer since my split, so I win the pathetic game! ;-)

Sometimes I think it's harder to let go of an unhealthy relationship/partner because there's a part of us that feels wronged by the person for how they behaved during and after the relationship. It's as though we cannot really let go of that person because they haven't "come to their senses," and at least told us they were wrong, even if that doesn't mean they wish to resume the relationship.

This is how I'm still struggling at times with my ex. I don't want to be with her. I know healing will come with time, my own actions, and my own outlook. Yet there's part of me that feels incredibly bitter that she took me for granted during much of our relationship, and that bitterness has only aged with the breakup and her quickly moving on to the next guy. I know her actions then and now were more about her than they were about me, but I have to fight at times to not be angry that I'm doing this recovery thing the hard way, while she copped to the easy path, choosing to jump into another relationship rather than bearing the loneliness and struggle that comes with the post-breakup healing process.

My wife dumped me after 24 years. It sucks I get it 100%. But I would recommend stopping drinking for a good while. I quit cold turkey for about 7 months not even a sip to get my head on straight. Hit the gym hard. Alcohol is a depressant and won't help at all taking anti depressants. Stop the booze and work on yourself.

You will then be able to knock her off the pedestal you have her on. Once your head is clear read what you posted and you will see you're better off single than dealing with this stress in your life.

I'm sorry about your wife. My relationship was only around 2.5 years. I can't even fathom losing one and being left after 25 years. You're a far tougher man than me.

I've only recently started drinking again, and it's not nearly as excessive or abusive as it was for the first few months... For about a month there I stopped completely after it put me in the ER. During that month I was running every day, working out. Focusing on me and making myself happy. I was hanging out with my friends and family a whole lot more. I felt like I was making some real progress. Then I sorta had a break down over my birthday weekend a few weeks back and haven't really recovered since. It all comes in waves like that. It's really starting to irritate me. One step forward two steps back sorta thing. There's no more booze left in my house so I won't be going back to the store to buy anymore. Funny thing is, I've never even been much of a drinker...

I know I'm better off but it's so hard to feel like I am when I have days like today where I'm sad all day long then the sadness turns to anger. I shouldn't even be giving her anymore of my time by now but man, I had so much of my heart and soul invested into her, her daughter, and that relationship. I felt like a family. Had something to do every weekend. Had someone to talk to every day. Now I have nothing except an empty house...

I think you need to reread your post. over and over. I don't understand what you're missing, other than an unhealthy relationship.

 

This woman was not over her ex, and this should have been a huge red flag, among many others.

 

Get some therapy! I would also look into co dependency.

Yes, yes it should've been a red flag. And it was when I first went to her about it and she got furious at me for even bringing it up then kept doing it knowing how much it bothered me. That's when I should've dumped her. I should've been stronger and wiser. I knew better, I knew to trust my instincts and values but I'm always the one to be a push over and give her the benefit of the doubt. Believe it or not, she told ME I was raising "giant red flags" for her whenever I'd bring him up. And it was only 4 or 5 times I ever did because I hated the fallout from it and knew she'd never stop texting him anyway. She'd get soooo defensive and angry. I let her manipulate me into thinking I was insecure and pathetic.

I don't know what I'm missing... It was an unhealthy relationship. My sister has told me the exact same thing you did several times. Almost word for word. One day I'll get it in my skull and it'll stick...

Loyalty is an admirable trait to those who deserve it. This woman was a yard sale.

Thank you. I think I just stuck around for so long because she wasn't always so bad. There was a lot of good times I had with her too. We laughed a lot in those early days. She was super into me and me into her. That lasted for almost half the relationship. I think I just hung onto that and the hope it would come back...

AJ,

 

If you want to be angry, be angry. But don't be angry at yourself. It takes courage to love someone and while I'd encourage you to take every lesson you can from this situation, beating yourself up isn't going to help. It's just going to keep you angry and depressed.

 

You tried to love someone who for whatever reason was unable to treat you fairly. That's on her, not on you. You should never be ashamed of yourself for trying to love someone, even if they don't deserve it.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I broke NC and sent an email today.....and it's been much longer since my split, so I win the pathetic game! ;-)

I always punish myself for things like this. I shouldn't. But all my instincts go straight to blaming myself and hating myself and feeling like a failure. I have days where I stand proud of how good I was to her and how much I tried... But they're few and far inbetween unfortunately....

And not breaking NC is hard. So many times I've wanted to break NC and either tell her off or beg her to love me again, depending on the mood I'm in. But I don't. She walked out of my life. It was her choice. I'm not gonna let her back in by having any contact with her whatsoever. Especially since this whole thing has taught me once again, that exes can't just be friends. It causes so much damage.

Thanks for your kind words. We all have our slip ups. Don't beat yourself up for it. Don't be me!

I really felt the pain/anger in your post. I can empathize, and agree with the previous poster that claimed it can be harder to let a bad/uneven relationship go. I think we put more of ourselves in relationships like that, hence the imbalance.

It definitely has been/is going to hit you in waves. Been there, done that, and recently. Sad for a week, angry for a few days, then sad, then OK, then depressed, etc. Try to ease up and not depend on the alcohol to temporarily numb the pain. I went through the same process so I know what im asking you to do. It isn't at all easy, and its much easier to tell someone its the right thing to do than to do it, but I did. It makes things worse, and ultimately will make you feel worse over time. Also, do your best to keep NC with this one.. that was the hardest part for me but in the end im so glad I did it. I will probably never forget her but it takes time and effort to convince yourself that she isn't going to come back. If she does, you should also know she wasn't good/right for you. From the thread it sounds like you went through a lot for her, even when she mistreated you. Been there too.

Just know that NC and time WILL eventually make things better. You might not be happy about it for a long time or ever, but time will help as long as you don't contact her or keep tabs on her via any social media. You don't want any reminders. Im sorry youre going through this, but keep going.

You took the words right out of my mouth. I'm sorry about your situation and that you're knowing where I'm coming from first hand. My ex is doing the exact same thing. Moving on very easily and quickly and more than likely, jumping right into another relationship so she doesn't have to face the failure of it all or the pain. She's a coward. Always has been. And you're right, it's hard to let go of that person when you feel like the whole thing is a huge injustice. They treated us like crap our whole relationship then get to walk away with their heads held high? It takes control of you. Eats you up inside. Makes you angry. Then couple that with all the sadness and you're just a wreck...

I think another part of it is the psychological effect it has on a person to be emotionally abused for so long. You convince yourself you deserve it. That there's a reason they treat you so bad. That you don't deserve any better. So you stay with them and let them continue to abuse you. Then when they leave you, you're left feeling like trash and you're dependent on that abuse because it's what has become normal for you and you don't even have that anymore!

I'm definitely going to great lengths to make sure I keep NC. I don't check up on her on social media, have her blocked on Facebook. I don't go to places I think she might be. Have her phone number blocked on my phone. I don't want any contact with her. I'm not sure what I'd do if she reached out. More than likely I'd ignore it. But it's hard to say considering I'm always all over the place with my anger/sadness/resentment/loneliness ect.

My family would never let me take her back even if she did want to, which she won't ever want to. She's too proud to ever do something like crawl back to a person. Not too proud to be friends with a man who took a spiritual and legal vow to stay loyal to her in front of all their friends and family and then broke it les than a year later. But definitely too proud to come back to a man who treated her right.

Ajhurst I wish I could tell you some magic words that would make you feel you are so worth it of so much better. You are ok. It is not your fault. Read the forums about bipolar people. They will make you feel better. I was married to one he beat me about once a month but the good times were so good. I could not leave him. Until he tried to kill me. And I still love him until this day. I however know that is not him that I love but the idea I had of him. He does not deserve me. She does not deserve you. You need to be treated the way you would treat somebody you love. Please get help and never contact her again. I know it is hard but you have to be strong/ I promise you you will be happier in the end. Good luck.

It's time to focus on you! You can't change her, but you can change you.

You can go over this a billion times, but nothing will change. You need therapy to understand why you were with someone so dysfunctional.

You said anther key thing: she was your life. Never lose yourself in another. Get involved in activities volunteering, classes, whatever. Make your life full, and keep it full.

Get off the crazy train and stop obsessing about her.

Thank you. This made me tear up. I'm so sorry you were abused physically and emotionally like that. That's so awful. She was only physical once with me and other people that I ever saw. I rationalized it as she was drunk and not in her right mind. But she became a monster. And I mean a total monster who's rage could not be calmed down until the midway through the next day. I didn't know she was capable of such hatred towards me. It was very damaging to our relationship. I was always afraid to be around her when she was drinking after that. I would ask her to watch how much she drank for a little while after, not tell her she couldn't drink, but just to watch the amount of it. And she would get extremely defensive and angry at me for even suggesting such a thing.

At the end, when she left me. The incident was brought up again somehow with me saying "I stood up for you and defended you and stayed with you after your episode at my family's party" and she scoffed at it and said "as if that night should've been a determining factor of whether or not you should be with me"

I believe that girl was a wild animal underneath this sweet exterior that she fooled everyone, including me, with. She used to be a real real wild party animal growing up. Even after she had her daughter. During my extremely paranoid state thanks to her ongoing "friendship" with her ex husband where I was looking through her phone, I caught a glimpse of a conversation she had with another one of her guy friends who was asking her if she was gonna go to this heavy metal show and she responded with something like "if I go to that that'd just be an opportunity for me to get drunk and really wild and crazy and start punching people and end up getting arrested lol" I originally thought of it as her joking around with a friend and didn't take it too seriously... But I actually think that's just how she really is when the lights aren't on her. That that was the real version of her. She thinks that kind of behavior makes her appealing to people. A 32 year old mother talking and acting that way.

After she started dating me she admittedly told me I "calmed her down" ... That she's older now and doesn't want to be going out to bars and parties every weekend anymore so she was glad I wasn't into that kind of lifestyle. But I caught her many many times using me as an excuse as to why she wasn't going to some party saying stuff like "oh Aaron isn't into that kind of thing" ... Her own mother didn't even like her doing those kinds of things and she made it sound like it was because her mom is controlling and some super strict catholic type. But I never saw that in her mother. I think she just has seen first hand how her daughter is in those environments.

There were so many red flags that I saw and just ignored because the gentle sweet side of her was so good and I had already fallen so hard for her. And now I guarantee you, the way she's gonna make me sound to others, the reasoning behind why we broke up according to her, is gonna be that I was some controlling manipulative guy who was too insecure and sensitive and she was the one trapped in the relationship. These people didn't experience the relationship or see the sides of it that I did. And it's just so unfair. She's a million times more social and popular than I am due to her years of partying. She's gonna tarnish my name by making me sound like the unstable crazy one and all I'm gonna do is reveal the truth about her on a message board online. It's such an injustice

It's time to focus on you! You can't change her, but you can change you.

 

You can go over this a billion times, but nothing will change. You need therapy to understand why you were with someone so dysfunctional.

 

 

You said anther key thing: she was your life. Never lose yourself in another. Get involved in activities volunteering, classes, whatever. Make your life full, and keep it full.

 

Get off the crazy train and stop obsessing about her.

I've been looking into therapy. My insurance covers certain ones in the area. I definitely don't think it would hurt at this point to go talk to someone. Maybe they can teach me how to not give my heart to crazy people anymore, because this isn't the first time this has happened. This ex was actually the best and longest relationship I've ever had, if that tells you anything.

I don't know if it's just bad luck or that some part of me just feels like I deserve this kind of treatment or what... but I keep finding myself in relationships like this. I see the signs. I see how I'm being mistreated. But I don't leave. I just take it and voluntarily live a miserable life with this person until they end up breaking my heart or cheating on me or doing something else completely unforgivable. I rationalize, make excuses, blame myself... I lay down and become a doormat. And after each and every abusive relationship I've said "never again" and become very cautious and guarded when dating again. But still don't leave when's start getting mistreated. I just become unhappy instead and live that way.

Again, pathetic.

Hi AJ, I've been reading your posts since the start. I know your story. We don't have everything in common but we have some things.

My ex had a similar approach to things as your ex. I can almost guarantee you that she has never taken the time to process things or look at what she did wrong. I can honestly say I did very little at all wrong in the relationship. However, she never took the blame for anything. I used to think there was two of her. The sweet loving one and the other one who could be so mean. Now I realise it was all the same person. The truth is that these types of people feed of people like you and me. They don't do it intentionally, but we treat them well and with love and they soak it up like a sponge. They reply in turn. But every single time where you need them to step up a little then they are gone. My ex's mother was the same. In truth, it can be exhausting. That doesn't mean I don't cry too and feel sad every day and miss her every day. I do.

I see you mentioned therapy here. Do it. Please do. It really helps, especially as a man. I tell things to the therapist who I couldn't tell any friend or family member and look them in the face again, and I'm the kind of guy who likes to keep to himself on certain things. My therapist was very kind at first, hearing all my stories. Then she turned into this person who kept saying "but she left you!!!" every time I said anything about my ex.

Don't feel bad about how you have been feeling and acting. Think of it as necessary. You keep doing it and eventually you will get sick of feeling that way. It's like laughing at the same joke. When you think of a something sad you cry. However, when you keep thinking of the same sad moments over and over then you just can't make yourself cry over it anymore.

This is a woman who on numerous occasions when drunk would be so cold and cruel to me that I'd break down and cry and she'd actually mock me. Making a mocking crying sound right in front of me. Then deny ever doing it the next morning.

Wow dude! This is called ABUSE. No wonder your self esteem is so broken! What a poor excuse of a person would do that. Could you imagine doing that to HER? I guess no, because you seem like a sound guy.

You will start feeling better once you start recovering that self esteem she destroyed. But stay away from her

Sports and working out helped me build up my selfesteem. When I feel really bad and down and missing her (she also did some pretty f**ed up things to my selfesteem), I go swimming. That mkes me relax and release endorphines. And along the way I get a fit body for when I'm ready to date again, maybe in a few months.

Come on man. We both know our ex's were NOT the person we once thought they were. But it's hard to get that clear picture all the time. 4 Months is not much. Just assume that it'll take you between 12-18 months. Consider it a time to improve yourself.

NOTE: It wouldnt improve yourself if it was easy. The pain will be the motor for you to move.

((((hugs)))))) she sounds like a doozy!! seriously, texted her ex husband to send him pix of the sunrise on your vacation????

well, four months is hardly anything, really, given you guys were together for so long. don't assume she's perfectly fine. she may seem like it (although, I hope you're not checking to be sure ) but, seriously, she sounds like a piece of work. I highly doubt she has grown up any since she broke off with you; she will have to live with herself, and maybe right now she isn't able to face her childish behavior, but one day she is gonna have to! we all have to face ourselves sooner or later.

don't beat yourself up! it makes a lot of sense that you're still sad. keep posting here; do what you need to do for yourself. it will get better! I know that is said a lot here, but we say it because it is true!

p.s., I really feel sorry for her kid!!

I used to think there were two sides to my ex aswell. Like yours, the sweet and loving side, then the side of her that could be soooo cold and self centered. After so long I started to rationalize this as being my fault. That I brought out the worst in her because why would she ever treat me this way if I didn't deserve it? If she can be capable of so much tenderness and love, then that's who she MUST be underneath and my actions just make her someone worse.

So many times I got called the unstable one. So many times I heard the words "I don't need this" from her.. as if I'm the one who was being unstable. When I think back on all these moments, they all have one thing in common. Everytime she said those words it was because I was bringing up something she did to me that was either mean, cold, or selfish. It was NEVER said to me because of something I was doing in the relationship or out of a way I was treating her. I battled with that for most of the relationship... Who was really manipulating who. Who was really being the instigator and who was really being the one who's causing all the problems. I always pointed the finger at myself because that's what she trained me to do, and because I'll let it happen. Never once did she admit to doing anything wrong or in the end take any of the blame for how bad our relationship had come. It was ALL me. She said things when she broke up with me like "you brought this on"... I'm the one who came to her and told her I was unhappy in the relationship and wanted to fix things and what does she do? She tells me it's my fault that I'm unhappy. Plays off of all the personal I've told her about myself and makes me sound like I'm just messed up and incapable of being happy.

I was SO good to her. I know that in my heart. I won't convince myself again that I was the one who messed up. Because I wasn't. I'm not perfect. No one is. I made a mistake here and there like everyone does. But nothing to the extent of the ones she made. I never hurt her like she did me. Never chipped away at her self esteem or self worth like she did mine. Never made her paranoid to the point where she had to sneak looks at my phone. Never called her too insecure or crazy. She cannot say one instance, even in her warped selfish mind, where I mistreated her in that relationship. I know she can't. Because there was none.

I couldn't imagine doing that to ANYONE, let alone someone I claimed to love. No matter how drunk I may be. I'm not capable of that kind of cruelty. I never thought she could be either. I can guarantee you that if I ever did that to her, she would've left me. There's so many things she did in our relationship that I never would've ever dreamed of doing to another person. I care so much about what the people I love feel like on the inside. Their mental image of themselves, and their security and peace of mind. But she would rationalize moments like that as me being too sensitive.

It will take me a long time to rebuild what she spent 2.5 years breaking. I'm doing what I can. Working out and volunteering at the hospital. But I struggle with it all, a lot. I fall up and down. I know 4 months isn't very long when it comes to recovering. I just wish it would all go away sooner.

Again, this was an instance where according to her, I was being over sensitive. She got furious with me and incredibly defensive again. But I know she would've been furious if it were the other way around. I KNOW that. She just never wanted to admit she was doing anything wrong or inappropriate. Here we are, trying to make memories as a family, with my family. And she's specifically targeting him out of all the people in her life, to share in those memories she's making. No one else in her phone got a picture of that sunrise. Wasn't even posted on Facebook. But him. He got it.

But no no no. It meant nothing and he meant nothing to her. What a crock. I was soooo stupid to let her manipulate me into feeling bad for getting upset over that. For thinking she still had feelings for him. For becoming insecure and paranoid because she wouldn't make the choice to stop even-though she could see it was bothering me and affecting our relationship. So stupid.

I can almost guarantee she's perfectly fine. I can't KNOW that for sure, no. But from what I know of her and based on how she acted when she broke up with me. She's not giving me or our relationship or the mistakes she made in it a second thought. She's gonna go out and live it up, and make it appear like she's finally free from being in an abusive relationship with some whiny, over sensitive, self conscious, baby. And no one but me and those closest to me are gonna be the wiser. But I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll continue to be respectful of someone who was never respectful to me and not trash talk her beyond writing about it on these message boards where no one will ever know her name or ever know who she is. If anyone ever asks, and people have, I just tell them it didn't work out. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for those moments when she has them.

I shouldn't really care about that. It's a waste of life and energy. I shouldn't care about any of this anymore. It's the past. It's over and done with. But I just can't shake it off. Some people leave marks on you in this life. It's a scar I'll always carry.

You should go on Loveshack and read some of "downtown"s posts....it's mainly about women with personality disorders. I'm not saying your ex has a PD, but maybe it will help you.

Those posts have helped me a to keep in perspective that you are better off without all that crazyness in your life, regardless if your ex has a PD or not....first step is to take her off the pedestal and realise your life will be easier without her in the long term...my heart goes out to you. I hope you will feel better soon!

You need to understand that you are the common denominator. This is who YOU are choosing. You don't feel like you deserve more, or feel some sort of comfort in this dynamic - could stem from upbringing.

You need therapy to understand your patterns. This is about you. Stop focusing on the women you have been involved with, as you're not a victim. When we see ourselves as a victim, we don't address our own problems.

I'm not calling myself a victim. Rest assured I understand that I'm choosing to let the women I date treat me this way for as long as I do. So the way she treated me has just as much to do with me as it does with her. I could've left at any moment.

But I don't think there is some deep rooted problem with me that welcomes this kind of behavior from women or seeks it out. Some people are just devoted to love. Devoted to relationships. Devoted to their partners. And by the time they start getting mistreated, they're already committed to the person. Mistreatment and abuse rarely ever starts right away. It's always months in or when the person gets comfortable enough to start showing their true colors to you. I hadn't started experiencing some REAL abuse from her until around the 1 year mark, though the ex husband thing started within the first 6 months but didn't become a severe issue until later. By then I had already adhered to the idea that we would be spending our lives together and that we loved each other. So you try and make things work when the sh*t hits the fan because that's what love is isn't it? Working through issues and seeing the ugly in a person and choosing to still love them and stay with them?

So while I know I let this go on for as long as I did and that's on me... I don't wanna confuse my loyalty and commitment as a problem. Because I don't think that is a bad trait to have in a person. Giving it to the wrong person is a mistake we all make at some point. Me, I just believe It's a combination of bad luck and being loyal to a fault and wanting that happy ending too much that makes me make that mistake again and again.

Also, I tend to always put my partner before myself in a lot of ways... So when I'm stuck with the battle between is it me or is it them when something happens where I feel like I'm being mistreated... I have a tendency to listen to them more because I'm so used to putting them first.

I stood up for myself almost every time I felt like I was being mistreated by her. I would tell her what it was doing to me emotionally and that I thought it was wrong. I let myself be heard. But she didn't ever want to listen. Didn't ever want to compromise or talk. It was always just about me being over sensitive or insecure or whatever else..

Your life gets to be this one giant fog cloud. You don't know what you deserve anymore. You don't know who you are or they are anymore. You're always battling with your emotions, your feelings of being hurt by someone you love, your inner monologue of if you're just over reacting to every situation. You're paranoid, you're hurt, you're scared. It's just the perfect trap.

Love really is blind.

You do sound rather emotionally unstable and oversensitive and overly emotional.

On your initial post on this thread you talk about how she'd get drunk and say cruel things to you and you'd break down and cry.

To me that seems way over the top for a guy. A girl, maybe.. but us guys we gotta be strong and tough, and she was obviously baiting you and being cruel just to get a reaction out of you for kicks and giggles, and you played right into it by breaking down into hysterics. You gotta learn to man up, this is probably what killed the relationship, a girl like that needs a guy she can't push around.