Those places where the memories lay....

Hi all,

Not started many topics for quite a while, and been content to relate to other people and try and offer advice. However, I have got a small hurdle to overcome tomorrow that is making me nervous, so some reassurance from you good people would definitely help to put me at ease somewhat.

Basically, I live in the countryside of Japan, a two hour train journey from Tokyo. I used to make this journey most weekends over the course of three years as my ex-girlfriend lives there. However, we broke up almost exactly four months ago. To be honest, it still hurts, but I have been moving along sloooowly, hindered in part due to almost completing my Master's thesis which I have been studying part-time by Distance-learning. I can accept that we had different ideas about the future in terms of children, places we wanted to live, and there was an age gap, but what has really hurt is how she ruthlessly cut me out of her life and disappeared, so there has been no closure whatsoever. But that is something I am coming to terms with bit by bit, so I'm not looking for any advice about that per se.

Tomorrow will mark the first time I have been to Tokyo since her disappearing act, as I need to stay there overnight, before heading to the airport to fly back to England for a much-needed vacation. I'm not concerned about seeing her because Tokyo is so vast, but I am concerned about the memories that will come flooding back, even just getting off the train and she won't be waiting. In some ways, her cruel way of breaking up with me has soured the whole of Tokyo in my eyes, although I am hoping after tomorrow is out of the way, I will feel a bit better. I was all set to move there later this year to be closer to her, but to do so now would feel like moving right into the fire, so I am exploring my options in other Japanese cities after my contract ends in my current position.

So, it might sound melodramatic, but I would appreciate any advice about how to get through tomorrow, or how you have dealt with those places that bring up memories. I am 'lucky' in a way that we didn't break up after I had moved to Tokyo as then it would be a constant concern, rather than just a one-off tomorrow.

Thanks for reading...this site has been a huge support to me throughout the last four months, and indeed during my two previous break ups stemming back to 2004!

Rich

I understand all too well the fear you're having about being around a place you've made so many memories with your ex. I live in the town where me and my ex made all our memories. I live in the house where we made our memories.

It's not easy. So many times I'm afraid to go in town because I have to drive by every restaurant where we used to go on dates. Every store that I went in with her and watched her shop for and try on different clothes. The river walk that runs through the town where we first met up. My hometown has become this haunted place of painful memories. Then there's the fear of running into her. Or even just driving by her on the street.

I've cleansed my house of all memory triggers of her. Thrown away so many things. Burned things, hid things, locked things away. But she's still everywhere in every room. Every corner and crevice of my house. Some days I want to sell it and move states away. I really do. And honestly, if all my friends and family weren't here, I'd be gone by now.

The only advice I can give you while you go to this place, is don't try and fight it so much. Yes, this is place where you will be reminded of how much she hurt you, and how much you're still hurting. But it's also a place that you once found comforting and beautiful because of what you were feeling. You're going to go there and you're going to miss her. It's going to hurt and it's going to make you sad, there's no real avoidance of that.

But try and replace the painful memories with new ones. Go down different roads, go to different restaurants. Visit different places. Acknowledge the fact that you have beautiful memories made there already, but don't dwell on them. Think of it as a painting. There are many different ways to look at a work of art and an endless amount of ways to see it. Don't search for what you know, search for what you don't know. Even if the reason you're going there is bringing you to places you've already been, look at those places with brand new eyes. Make the experience your own.

It'll be tough. I promise you that. You're going to want to think about her. And it's ok that you do. It's ok to miss her and ok to remember. But don't dwell. Smile and find the beauty again in the place you now find frightening. Good luck. Keep your head up.

Glad I finally get to respond to your thread Rich. I thought you were a superhuman who never felt down!

I can really identify with the fear of returning to those old places. I even have the similar dread of returning to Tokyo because my ex and I had some fantastic memories there. However, what I have been told by a professional is to retake or reclaim those places again for yourself. Now sometimes this may not be possible, your not going to go to every place you ever went just to take it back! I'm not going to fly to Tokyo to kill her ghost there! But you shouldn't avoid a place or dread going there just because you were there together.

Don't go in with the attitude that it will be too hard or "I can't". Just go with the idea that you can do this and every time you see a spot where you sat or a place where you had a happy memory, just think or say to yourself in an almost comical tone "and then she left me!". The irony I find is therapeutic. I also find this happening with friends when I instinctively recall an event or moment with my ex (maybe something extraordinary or something bad) and then I might end with "and then of course you know.... she left!" and I'll put both arms up in the air and shrug.

I find that if I go to a place after the breakup then it no longer becomes a place of dread and the memory is somewhat covered by a new one.

I guarantee that you will wonder where it all went wrong when you see some spot. Some point where everything seemed perfect. It's both funny and sad that those memories are forever soured by her actions. There is no point being nostalgic of the past thinking where did it all go wrong. The same person who shared those happy memories was also the same person that left. Be careful not to separate the two (very difficult, I know). I always have to tell myself that there wasn't two of her.

Also be wary of getting to carried away with replacing memories or trying to destroy them. Don't make yourself go to the restaurant with a friend because you need to put a new memory there. Do more of what you want and not what you feel you "should" do.

Thanks so much for the encouragement and words of advice!

With all three of my main break ups, I have lived at least an hour away from my exes, and so while I think I am pretty strong when it comes to recovering, one area where I am kind of inexperienced is dealing with the places where we made the memories. So tomorrow will be a good test of my strength. In previous break ups, the girls in question were in places where I wouldn't venture anyway, or at least, not until years had passed by which time I was totally over them. It just sucks that my enjoyment of such an amazing city like Tokyo has been soured by this experience. Maybe a year down the line, things will have changed, especially once I do decide to try and meet someone new. Hopefully I will be over it come 2020 as I really want to be living there for the Olympics haha!

As you know, I've followed your story and can only begin to imagine the difficulty of being in the same place/town. When you do emerge from the other side, you will have gained so much strength from this though. It has happened to me each time in the past, but difficult to see when you are in the middle of it.

Likewise, keep your head up too

Glad I finally get to respond to your thread Rich. I thought you were a superhuman who never felt down!

Haha I wish I was! I've been doing a lot better the last couple of months, much more settled than the first couple, primarily because I got motivated to do my studying, and the progress on that gave me a self esteem boost. Also booked lots of trips for post-graduation! Lots of reading too. I do still think about her a lot though, too much, but I attribute this mainly to the fact that I haven't been able to get out and about because of the studies. Post-1st September, my focus is going to be on weekend travel and meeting new people, and that is when I believe I will make real progress. It really can't come soon enough!

I can really identify with the fear of returning to those old places. I even have the similar dread of returning to Tokyo because my ex and I had some fantastic memories there. However, what I have been told by a professional is to retake or reclaim those places again for yourself. Now sometimes this may not be possible, your not going to go to every place you ever went just to take it back! I'm not going to fly to Tokyo to kill her ghost there! But you shouldn't avoid a place or dread going there just because you were there together.

 

Don't go in with the attitude that it will be too hard or "I can't". Just go with the idea that you can do this and every time you see a spot where you sat or a place where you had a happy memory, just think or say to yourself in an almost comical tone "and then she left me!". The irony I find is therapeutic. I also find this happening with friends when I instinctively recall an event or moment with my ex (maybe something extraordinary or something bad) and then I might end with "and then of course you know.... she left!" and I'll put both arms up in the air and shrug.

Haha I like this idea! Sometimes it is good to have an attitude like that, or to smile at the situation, or to take a step back and realise how insignificant this all is in the grand scheme of things. Of course it hurts, but really, there are people all around the world in much worse situations, so I try and remember that. Just forcing a gentle smile when walking down the street also seems to help. I'll try to remember all this tomorrow!

I find that if I go to a place after the breakup then it no longer becomes a place of dread and the memory is somewhat covered by a new one.

 

I guarantee that you will wonder where it all went wrong when you see some spot. Some point where everything seemed perfect. It's both funny and sad that those memories are forever soured by her actions. There is no point being nostalgic of the past thinking where did it all go wrong. The same person who shared those happy memories was also the same person that left. Be careful not to separate the two (very difficult, I know). I always have to tell myself that there wasn't two of her.

Thanks for the advice, very wise. Even though her actions leading up to her disappearance suggested she was panicking and feeling guilty, at the end of the day, she did leave with little regard for my feelings. Maybe the first month or two, she was on the pedestal, but not anymore, and I should remember that as well when walking around Tokyo.

Oh man I know this feeling all too well...

Reading all the amazing advice left by previous posters helps me a great deal. I just want to add that another good way to look at it is the person you made those memories with is no longer, she was a different person when she left. Treasure those memories, not the person who left you. I keep reminding myself that. Best of luck!

Oh man I know this feeling all too well...

Reading all the amazing advice left by previous posters helps me a great deal. I just want to add that another good way to look at it is the person you made those memories with is no longer, she was a different person when she left. Treasure those memories, not the person who left you. I keep reminding myself that. Best of luck!

Thanks a lot, chram!

I must say that I just had the worst night's sleep for months...this has really disrupted my equilibrium! I'm going to crank up the punk music on my headphones just before I get to Tokyo later on haha.

I'll let you know how it goes............

I like the idea of retaking the places that you associate with the ex. I've done this with some music. Post-breakup, I tried to avoid love songs or any songs that had once had association with my ex. But I've since chronically not reached for the dial in the car when one of these songs come on, instead letting myself listen to it, and just absorb it for what it is: A song. Not her song. Not "our" song. But a song that's on the radio, that probably was written and recorded before my ex and I ever dated.

I like the idea of retaking the places that you associate with the ex. I've done this with some music. Post-breakup, I tried to avoid love songs or any songs that had once had association with my ex. But I've since chronically not reached for the dial in the car when one of these songs come on, instead letting myself listen to it, and just absorb it for what it is: A song. Not her song. Not "our" song. But a song that's on the radio, that probably was written and recorded before my ex and I ever dated.

I've been doing the same of late with music, my ex and I love RnB and when we first started hanging out would drive for hours listening to all the good songs and comparing which ones were the best. There are still a couple of songs I will not listen to at all due to the meaning behind them and I think I will keep those ones buried for keeps.

In time it does get easier, I didn't go to the local shops incase I bumped into her or somehting reminded me of her, my most treasured places that I only went to to clear my head before I meet her had become like a ghost town to me as I had taken her to those places, for me to show her was me letting her into my most inner sanctum of my life something I had never done even with my ex wife.

Slowly I have been going back to them, it may help if your with friends as it is a massive distraction.

There are a handful of songs that I probably won't be able to listen to for years because I never heard them until my ex put them on mix CDs for me. Sounds crazy, but I'm really excited for the day when I can do so and not feel melancholy about it.

There are a handful of songs that I probably won't be able to listen to for years because I never heard them until my ex put them on mix CDs for me. Sounds crazy, but I'm really excited for the day when I can do so and not feel melancholy about it.

Yeah my ex has inadvertently ruined a lot of great music for me! I'll eventually force myself into listening to it.

Incidentally though, there is still one album which I can barely listen to even now, stemming from my first break up in 2004! Of course I am totally over that even though she was my first love, and we exchanged pleasantries a few years later. That break up in hindsight was the best thing that has ever happened to me. But that one album still stirs up something inside me, eleven years later! Quite strange, but fascinating as well.

Well, it hasn't gone well!

I was fine on the train, and getting to the hotel, listening to my Mindfulness audiobook...felt weirdly calm and relaxed. However, I went to a restaurant for dinner and could feel the emotion building up, so I hurried back to my hotel afterwards and cried for only the third time in 4 months, but this was by far the biggest outpouring of emotion since the break up. Tears are still flowing as I type!

I have a couple of worries now:

Firstly, I feel like I will be emotional when back in England, and I don't want my family to see me like that, as they probably assume I am doing fine (and I have been doing well until today). I hate the thought of them worrying about me, but being so powerless as I live so far away, especially my Mum. She sounded so sad when the break up happened because she couldn't be here for me. Honestly makes me want to move back to the UK, but normally, Japan is an amazing place to live.

Secondly, I am already worried about leaving my family in a couple of weeks, and the comfort they provide, and returning to all the problems here in Japan. It always takes time to readjust after leaving them behind, so this time will no doubt be worse. I need to make more friends so I have joined a meet up lunch event a few days after getting back to Japan, and I am going to see an American therapist the day before that....got to put things in place to provide a softer re-transition!

Thanks for reading my ramblings. The crying has stopped and this may have done me good, as I was concerned about the lack of emotion I had let out.

As always, any comments would be very welcome.

Rich

Rich, do try to remember that your emotions are at their worst in these situations - i.e. change.

As soon as the day requires something different, that is when we feel stressed and unsettled. As soon as that happens - bang! all the emotions about the ex hit like a ton of bricks. I also find this happens when I get sick. You have to manage a different city to your normal place - Tokyo, and the weirdness of going home to see your family. It's also a time when a relationship is a comfortable anchor to it all as well (i.e. plane travel, stress).

Just think, this is a low/hard point and you are doing well considering. I'd expect to get emotional. Gosh, I even find it hard to talk about Japan, because I think my ex could be living there now. I can't even look at an ad with anything Japanese in it. I even get emotional when you say Japan is "amazing"!! My point to all this is.... it's totally normal to get emotional and totally overthink and react to all of it emotionally.

I make myself go to Japanese restaurants because you know what, I like them. I will still go back to Japan in the not top distant future. So, I think you are doing pretty well to be able to walk around Tokyo and deal with it all. It's staring your fears in the face.

Thanks again for your reply.

I have that calmness now that follows a good cry...feels good to have relieved that emotion, and to have got through the day.

If you need support and/or a local guide when you come back to Tokyo, let me know!

I think you're handling things very well, Rich. And I'd say don't worry too much about putting on a tough front for your family in the UK. Even if you break down, you can still reassure your mom that in the end you'll be fine, as you always have been before. But taking a couple weeks to lean on your family emotionally may be helpful, so don't deny yourself that.

Keep trucking along, just as you have this whole time. You're one step further on the journey!

Seconding not holding in your emotions. Just explain what's going on and that you're quite okay still, just processing things close to your emotional center, causing some shakeups. I just recently found how liberating it is to just let it go, but also show strong resolve to move forward and that being emotional is an inevitable part of it. There's a difference in hurting in the bottom of a ravine and hurting while clawing your way up. Hurting from misery and hurting from change.

I think you're handling things very well, Rich. And I'd say don't worry too much about putting on a tough front for your family in the UK. Even if you break down, you can still reassure your mom that in the end you'll be fine, as you always have been before. But taking a couple weeks to lean on your family emotionally may be helpful, so don't deny yourself that.

 

Keep trucking along, just as you have this whole time. You're one step further on the journey!

Thanks Amelie! Really appreciate the support. I finally made it back home and was unsure how I was going to feel, and thankfully I feel good and nice to be in a supportive network. Not sure if the break up is going to be a topic of conversation though. If needed, I will talk about it. However, I am looking forward to seeing the therapist upon my return to Japan and plan on working with her through my issues in the months ahead

There's a difference in hurting in the bottom of a ravine and hurting while clawing your way up. Hurting from misery and hurting from change.

Thanks, I love this analogy! I should remember that I have dealt with the last four months in a culture far different to my own, with zero support network on hand, plus the nature of the sudden break up, not to mention teaching through the whole semester without taking a day off, and writing my Masters thesis in between. The Tokyo trip did feel like a big release that had been building for four months, and though I did feel a bit shaky when I arrived in England, I have already found comfort being surrounded by family. Just got to stay focused when the time comes to return to Japan, but should enjoy the here and now at the moment.

I've had to do similar things and I can't give you any short cuts, unfortunately .

Exposure. . a little at time until the pain disputes. The only around it is through it.

Often it's a much more of a two headed monster in our imagination and not quite as fierce as we believe it to be.

I don't know. I guess a trick would be to not allow it have that much power.

I travel for work and needed to go to an area my ex and I would vacation. I pretty much had a panic attack and made excuses to leave early and catch an earlier plane. . I got to the airport and had a couple drinks in the bar while waiting several hours for my plane ride home. At least the airport felt safer.

The good news is the next time I had to go there the power it had over me was gone.

I am sorry you are going through and YES. .a good boo-hoo cry always helps purge those unresolved emotions. Hang in there!

Seconding not holding in your emotions. Just explain what's going on and that you're quite okay still, just processing things close to your emotional center, causing some shakeups. I just recently found how liberating it is to just let it go, but also show strong resolve to move forward and that being emotional is an inevitable part of it. There's a difference in hurting in the bottom of a ravine and hurting while clawing your way up. Hurting from misery and hurting from change.

yes! . . If you look at it this way and embrace the emotions then it's really the struggle to keep them in is what you are fighting. . well at least part of it anyways.

Rich46...I find my self in the same type of situation ...living in the same town where me and my ex made memories...the other two break ups made me recover faster because there were long distance , in places where I don't go for years at time....I was new in this town when I met my ex and also did not have many friends ...it crossed my mind to leave the state around the break up...but running does not make the pain go away.I love this city ...and as long as I can make it through the summer ,I can make it through the future as well...one day we will cherish those memories without feelling the pain...For now we just have to take a day at the time .

Thanks for your replies

I feel so relaxed and comfortable here, back in my comfort zone, and feel this break is going to do me so much good. I saw my five nieces/nephews earlier and my seven year old niece was asking a lot of questions about my ex-girlfriend, where she is, etc etc and I was calm and explained how we aren't together anymore. She is so caring and affectionate, because she then said..."well, I'll be your girlfriend then!" Haha kids can be so cute, and always help to lift me up, and I feel lucky to work with them every day when I am in Japan, and to have a great family here in England.