12 year relationsip ended help

So here's my story:

I've been with my girl for 12 years and through out this time she has mostly been the chaser not to say I wasn't nice to her. About 7 years ago she broke up with me because I was acting stupid, I gave her a month of no contact and she told me she began to start seeing someone. I stuck with limited contact and we eventually got back together after 7 months. It wasn't easy by no means but I stuck through it and we got back together.

I was recently laid off and I let it affect my demeanor. Last month on June 26th she took me out to universal studios for my bday and we had a blast. Later that night she sent me text saying " I hope you enjoyed your bday. I love you with all my heart. I hope this year can bring you closer to me. I want you to be happy and I want both us to be happy and closer babe. I hope you open up to me, when that happens I think everything will be better." About a week later she sent me a text saying I wasn't as sweet and attentive anymore and I take her for granted. And that every time she bring up commitment(ie;marriage) I would avoid the conversation. And that it sucks that there is nothing she can do to change back eveything to what it was.

About a week later she appeared in her friends wedding and I accompanied her. We had a blast and danced the night away. The next week we were going to go the lotus festival but instead went to the beach with her family. It was cool we had a good time but I got really sunburned unfortunately. Towards the end of the day when I left her house she asked me if I had fun and I said yes but maybe we should have gone to the lotus festival instead. She immediately said " you really should not have a girlfriend" and walked in her house. I walked away and drove home. I tried calling her everyday for a week and she would not answer. On Friday night I saw a post on her Instagram that she went out with her friends to a bar we would frequent. I texted her the next morning: " why aren't you answering my calls? So you're just going to go out with your friends and ignore me? I thought we were together." And she responded with : " I can go out with whoever I want it's not your concern. I can no longer do this with you enough is enough. I can't anymore. The chances have all run out. I don't want to spend my life fighting and being taken for granted. I thought I wanted it but I don't anymore. Wehave no future." For the next week I would text goodnight I love you in the night and goodmorning. I sent her flowers on thursday. And I sent her a message on Facebook apologizing for my behavior and telling her I was so immature and not compromising and putting her needs first. And not appreciating eveything she has done for us and taking it for granted. She responded with : " it's obvious you don't get and don't care how you have been with me this year. Therefore you don't see the damage that won't be undone or forgotten. The damage is done and it's way too late now. I need to break from this relationship. She then said she is not talking to me or seeing me so cut ur losses". I tell her I love her with all my heart and that I want to be with her for the rest of my life. She responds with " it's ridiculous how you think all these text messages and gestures are going to change my mind. Maybe if you would have been more attentive while we were together then we wouldn't be here right now. But no you love doing this after the fact and it's every single time." I respond with I'm sorry for being an idiot and I know these texts are trivial to you but that's the only thing your allowing me to do. I'm not just going to show up at your house or job unannounced that would make things worse. I dont want to overstep my boundaries but I want to fight. She responds with why do you even bother saying this we are not together. You only say this stuff when we fought. How am I going to believe you whenever I woiuld bring up marriage you would freak out and avoid the topic." I tell her because I was an idiot and I know now i have an issue with vulnerability but I am going to stop it. I tell her I'm working on myself in all levels , mentally , spiritually and physically. I want you to be my wife" she responds with that she has heard this before and doesn't want to put up with broken promises and I tell her I'm not going to break any promises now that is why I am going to fight despite everything you are telling me that is tearing me apart. She responds with if all this was remotely true we would have been married and living together and maybe with kids already. I respond with you have no idea how much I'm trying to find a job to take us to the next level. I'm trying so hard for us right now and I want you to be the mother of my children. She responds with "you are only doing this because you think it's what I want to hear. I won't and will not believe anything until I see it and that's not to say I will be there for you. You had your chances with me and I'm being honest with you to tell you I'm done." I respond with I know and that's a gamble I'm going to take because I love you with all my heart and love and hope is what is helping me stay on the path even while reading your texts which are breaking my heart. She responds with: " see you are only saying and supposedly doing these things because that's what you think I want. You're not doing it for yourself." I tell her not I'm doing it for myself but I'm in love with you and of course I'm doing it with you in my mind. You are part of me, you are part of my drive. You're in my heart and soul. She responds with "that doesn't coincide with how you were treating me and we are no longer together and she is free to do what she wants and have no right to question that. I'm no longer yours. You lost that privilege it's done." I respond with " no I'm bullting you it's how I feel. I had issue with vulnerable and expressing myself before but I'm not letting that hold me back anymore. I ask her if we can see each other and responds with no we are done. I respond with " how will you see the change in me if you don't want us to see each other. I love you baby and I know you love me and it is my responsibility to change this. I know I'm I your heart just like you are in mine and I want to make this right." She responds with if it's meant to be it'll happen. But I am not seeing you. You do not have the privilege be with me not see me. I respond with in going to do eveything I can to regain that privilege. I will continue bettering myself for me and us. I will regain that privilege. I love you with everything I have in me." She responds with this is what happened seven years ago. I want someone that will make me their top undivided priority. I don't want to be disappointed again. I respond with I'm not wasting my time anymore there's only one step I want to to taken. i want to make her my top priority and my wife. She responds with yeah right"

I tell her I'm being serious and I've moved past my issue with vulnerability and letting someone in. I tell her I will accomplish my goals. You are my best friend now I want you to be my lifelong partner. I want to grow old with you. She respond with all those times I didn't appreciate her, tell her I love her it made her push herself away from me. When I wouldn't bring down that barrier I had she made one of her own. Enough already that's it's too lateThat's it's to the point that she is willing meet new people and give others a chance. ( this really killed me inside) you let me down enough. I ask her if she is seeing someone and she says no but she is open to anything and not holding back.im not going to wait for you anymore. I tell her I love and it is my responsibility to make this right. Love and hope is going to give me the strength to fight for us and keep me through this. Lifelong love isn't easy and it's something worth fighting and that is what I'm going to do baby. I want to make things right and break that barrier.

I then sent her the screenshot of the text she sent me on my bday saying how she loves me with me all my heart and that she hopes this year can bring me closer to her. And that eveything she does is for us to be happy and closer. And that once I open up to her everything will be better. I tell her I read it every night and that I do feel closer to her already. She responds with " yeah that was before, I was still trying and still willing to make it work. I'm not anymore. So stop .( she sent that three weeks ago). I didn't respond. This morning I sent her a goodmorning text again saying the only love worth having is one worth fighting for because anything short of that isn't love. I'm going to didn't love you baby.

The only reasoned I haven't gone No contact id because last time this happened 7 years ago I went no contact for a month and she later told me when we were together later I was most likely picking up sand nothing came through that's why I came back. I went through limited contact and that's how i got her back. I don't know what to do honestly. A million thanks to anyone that reads this and responds.

She's broken inside. Your words are sounding like "The little boy who cried wolf" she does not believe you, who can blame her?

She's waited 12 years for "Something" and nothing has changed. What can you deliver to her that is of change, and not just proclaims of love?

Sorry dude, but sounds like she made her choice pretty clear, and it seems like the right one to me. If you wanted to marry her, you could have done that while you were with her but you didn't want to. Honestly, I'm shocked that she actually waited for twelve whole years. Let her go and find someone who actually wants the same things that she does. Anything else is just selfishness on your part.

I know and its my responsiblity to make this right. For one Im interested in getting closer and moving in together but at this point she does not want to see me and I feel I should respect her decision. But at the same time something is telling me to go find her and talk to her right now.

your word salad is annoying and meaningles to her after 12 years with 0 results.

instead of making more promises about the commitment that never happens how about

blocking her

and reflecting on why you invested so little into the relationship.

Jesus, you guys were together 12 years and you wouldn't even live with her? Cut your losses and leave her alone hun.

I know and its my responsiblity to make this right. For one Im interested in getting closer and moving in together but at this point she does not want to see me and I feel I should respect her decision. But at the same time something is telling me to go find her and talk to her right now.

you cannot talk your way out of this after not having acted on it since the first break up 7 years ago.

she's done.

I honestly really do love her and I just want to start my life with her and deep inside I know she does too. Im going to give her everything she wants, she is my best friend.

It is now your job to leave her alone.

When you had her around, you admit that you avoided any discussions of marriage. What is the reason for that? Whatever the reason is, it didn't change just because she broke up with you and doesn't want you any more. You were actively avoiding marriage and 12 years is a REALLY REALLY REALLY long time to spend with someone and have NOTHING to show for it.

I don't blame her at all for moving on. I would too if I were her.

Right about now, I think it's broken. Let's say that you run out and buy her a ring right this second. She will always know deep down that the only reason you did this was because she left you; not because you really wanted to marry her. You just didn't want her to move on with someone else.

You can't just keep someone and disregard their feelings and long term goals and this is exactly what you have done. I'm not saying she's been perfect in the relationship but there is a reason you didn't want to get married and maybe you should explore that further - alone - before you go knocking on her door again.

Otherwise, I wouldn't blame her for being skeptical, since you're only reacting to her breaking up with you and not actually seeking marriage from her by your own accord.

Well, you're not because she's already decided she's done with you. She gave 12 years of her life to you, and isn't interested in giving you anymore, so its much too late to start it.

I honestly really do love her and I just want to start my life with her and deep inside I know she does too. Im going to give her everything she wants, she is my best friend.

If that is how you treat your best friend and a woman you love...I cannot imagine how you treat people you don't respect.

Your words are worthless. A decade of inaction has taken its toll.

You only decided you wanted to marry her after she dumped you.

That does not come accross as sincere. It sounds like you're just saying that so she'll come back.

And if I were her I'd be skeptical too. 12 years together and you didn't want to get married or even live together and all of a sudden you decide you do want to? Of course she thinks it's just a tactic to get her back, once she's back you'll go back to taking her for granted and stalling her.

You do not have the right to try to fix this if she doesn't want to. You had 12 years to "fix" it and you chose not to. I doubt she's going to give you a 13th year.

12 years and you don't live together, are not engaged or married, no children?? Of course she left. I would have left years ago! I think you really have taken her for granted and she has been deeply unhappy for a long time. She has told you numerous times what she wants from you and you have never taken any steps forward. This relationship is dead. All the words in the world wont bring her back. I am 25, in a 7year relationship, living together for 4 years with a 6week old son, planning our second baby, trying to get a mortgage and engaged.. that is what people in love do!

You words don't mean anything dude, because your actions don't follow. So she doesn't believe you any more.

You can say that you're working on yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but where is the evidence of change? You've taken her for granted and BS'ed her for 12 years. Sure it takes two to tango and she hung around putting up with you and caring about you, but she's finally had enough.

I feel for your pain. It's hard to be kicked in the stomach by someone you love. But this one has been coming for a long time, you were just too stupid to see it.

You actually need to focus on yourself and get therapy to find out why you're so blind.

I hate telling you this, because in your heart you wish you would hear a different advice...but.... My friend has been there and done that. 8 Years of her life and the guy did not commit. They lived together, never had kids because he didn't want them with her. He was scared of committing, unsure because he went through a bad marriage and breakup and didn't want to make the same mistakes again.

He told her it is just a piece of paper and doesn't mean anything, that he can be committed without getting that last step done. After 8 years she had enough of it and told him that she is not in love with him anymore. Later on she fell in love with someone else..

As he realized he is loosing her, he went and got her a ring and asked her to marry him. She said no and told him it is too late. She also believed that the only reason why he asked her in the end was because he was scared to loose her. She didn't believe him to be sincere about his feelings for her. Turned out that he bought that ring for all the wrong reasons, because this was not what he really believed anyways. He just did it as a last resource to "save the relationship". She knew that, and held that against him. Needless to say...he lost her in the end. Her heart was not with him anymore.

If you really wanted to marry her, you would have done it. If everything inside of you had told you that this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, you would have asked her to marry you, or least move in with her. You didn't feel this way...which just shows that this is not the right relationship for you in the first place.

She is done waiting and in the end the right thing to do for you is to leave her be..respectfully.

What I am going to say is not what others have posted here as a response.

I am seeing something different because I took the time to read this several times over and break it down since you have a lot written here.

First, You've been together 12 years with a break at the seven year itch mark. Let's round this out using simplicity....

She breaks up with you because you were admittedly acting stupid. In hindsight, most people have acted stupid around their significant others and did not break up. That's what a good strong relationship exemplifies. As I read on, I don't believe you "acting" stupid was the real cause of the break up.

When you go no contact, did she re-establish contact to relay to you that she is with someone else? This is a big red flag here. Not on your part but on hers. You say she came back after seven months, however, she dated someone else. This doesn't imply that you were the problem in the relationship. So far, it implies she used the excuse that you were acting foolishly to gain freedom to roam. This is gas-lighting in another light. She was smoke-screening blame to your court to have justification to branch out into new areas. I summarized this from your most recent breakup story as people have moreover a habit of reinstating past behavior.

You recently were laid off (loss of income) and it effects everyone's demeanor. Doesn't matter who you are, if you are gainfully employed and lose your job it effects even the most strong willed individuals. It seems somewhat shallow to break it off after your recent loss of income, of which in any relationship is not a reason to dissolve the relationship but it's a test of the love between two people that they are willing to stand behind their significant other in hard times... She did not do this. She has a weak constitution concerning you because of this endeavor of dissolution but shielding it in a vacation trip scenario because it was already planned, she wanted a vacation and did not want to go alone and puffed you up about it. most people have a habit of doing this out of guilt because of something they had done or were about to do.

Just because you are not easy flowing with intimate conversation, is something she should have considered before attacking you with blame as to how you are the cause of the demise of the union.

This is a serious narcissistic trait. This is not your fault and perhaps you may not be the one to blame. She doesn't understand your emotional language and is dependent on you changing who you are and how you communicate to suit her ideal relationship. This is a farce. You don't try to manipulate someone you love into change to assimilate into a desired mold of their choosing.

For her to be happy with you one moment and cold turkey on you the next is another big red flag. Again, you are not the problem but her blame is smoke-screening the truth. She is smoking you out from seeing what is really going on. If she can blame you and make you feel like the bad guy, she has you in her back pocket at the back door for when her other issues fall through. She blamed you of it but she is the one actually doing it.

From what you wrote, she dumped you behind your back. She has someone else on her mind that you are being attacked to justify. She claims your not attentive, not there for her on an emotional level, blames you for your lack of vulnerability, blames you for everything that she thinks will keep you in tow. Don't fall for it.

If you go no contact, don't do it to get her back. Do it to heal yourself from the emotional damage she has inflicted on you. She has you calling yourself an idiot. From what I have read, she is a stone cold narcissist that is bored with you, does not respect you, and only needs you when others want you or she doesnt have anyone else. Fair weather woman.

Pack it up and go no contact and work on yourself. Don't worry about her and don't fuss over her because she is toxic and narcissistic and will continue to blame you in the future no matter how much of a relationship you would ever regain. Her respect for you is gone and that does not return. I have been in your shoes in a round about way. You deserve much better but for now, work on getting yourself stable with a good job, work on traits of your personality for YOU, not for HER benefit. She should not reap the rewards of your healing, someone who deserves it should. She doesn't.

Her hateful words will never leave your heart even though you may feel you love her.... You are feeling unrequited love... that's not really love at all... it's the need for justification buy someone you were in love with because they truly do not love you and it hurts... This time you need to open your eyes and love yourself. She isn't worthy of it. You tried and she smacked words in your face to make you hurt deeper and harder. This is not love, this is toxic swill that is worthess in forever. No future deserves it.

Work on yourself. You can love yourself to a point that you don't need a relationship for validation and love. When you finally love yourself and proud of yourself from getting away from this emotional monster of baggage she is, you will feel a love and pride for yourself that she can never take away..... and it will change you... you will open up.... to the ones who deserve it... and you will love it... it will be the best moments of your life to come. Don't waste another day in the shadow of her manipulative angry soup.

You will get through this. You will love what you will become... and so will someone who will love you more than you could have ever dreamed.

OP she is not a narcissist and has done nothing wrong. She has given you 12years! You say she is amazing and you love her etc then why have you never made any attempt to commit?? Why have you not lived together at least in all that time?

Iv'e known several couples who have been together 20+ years without the legality of marriage and are still in love and fully "committed" to this day with well adjusted children. One persons belief of commitment shouldn't be judged and weighed against another persons belief of it. Some people fear marriage like some people fear heights or spiders.

If he had commitment issues why did she even bother going back? After three years is enough for anyone to say no if it is not what they want and believe in. For her to drag it out, break up with him, rub another relationship into him as punishment, disappear cold turkey, demoralize him and belittle him just because she want's a piece of paper, that's not a relationship made in heaven. He has rights just as much as she does, and for her to stick around and cause all the drama to get her needs met is no way to build a relationship. There is no foundation here. They are oil and water on this issue. To say he is wrong and it's all about a ring and a piece of paper is another smoke screen. There is more to this than that..

You can say that you're working on yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually, but where is the evidence of change?

This.

Honestly all I could think of while trying to read your post (paragraphs would help) was that you don't know why you do what you do, or even seem to have an awareness that you keep doing the same thing, so you keep doing it. In other words you have no understanding of yourself or your patterns. You take her for granted, she pulls away and you beg for her to come back saying you have changed and *this* time it will be different. Yet it never is... you don't want to commit and you don't want to lose her. She now sees that pattern loud and clear and realizes it will never change; you still don't.

I agree with Gollum - I think therapy would help you immensely in understanding yourself. If you stand a chance of ever meeting her in a different place, that's the first step to owning your issues.

OP she is not a narcissist and has done nothing wrong. She has given you 12years! You say she is amazing and you love her etc then why have you never made any attempt to commit?? Why have you not lived together at least in all that time?

I was going to school and I've been one of the breadwinners in my household up until recently. I was in no position to pay the high rents we have here in Los Angeles. I wish I could've but at the time my job wasn't paying me enough to cover my responsibilities, tuition and rent and expenses. I've graduated already with my bachelors and I'm working on getting a well paying job. I really do love her with all my heart.

If you want her back the right way, you both need couples therapy. If she isn't smoke-screening you and really loves you, she will do it without you having to prompt heavily for it. If she still is combative and punishing it's not going to work. As far as going to school, your job issues are expected in transition from college to gainful employment. You need to air out your issues with a third party where blaming or avoiding is pinpointed. You need to prepare yourself for her feelings not being what you hope them to be. You have a lot of water under your bridges here. You know you need to address your own issues, but also, do not take all the blame here. I have many years of experience to know when a woman is a toxic blamer. I used to be one and I am glad I no longer am and THERAPY works but only if she is at the stage of admitting her own faults and failures here.

Right now your communication is prompting her for more attacks. You need to take a few days to break that pattern. She is giving you mixed signals, on one hand she exhibits her desire for you to chase her like a dog after a bone, then when you begin the process verbally she slams the door. Why? If a person loves someone, they take notice to the sincerity of someone when they truly know they are on their last leg. She isn't even tying.

If she is agreeable to therapy, then give it a go. But, if she is not, there is no win scenario here as she has deep seeded issues of her own that she needs to be willing to face. Take care and good luck.

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this yet, but if my boyfriend and I were spending a whole day with my family, and at the end of the day said "...maybe we should have gone to the festival instead", I'd be SERIOUSLY offended and pissed.

Like, WTH? Why would you even say something like that to someone you love? Basically it translates to "meh, spending time with you and your family is just mediocre, something else would have been more fun".

It seems like that was the last straw for her, seeing as that was when she stopped all contact with you.

If your partner is close to their family, then spending time with them will be part of the relationship - you making an effort, spending time with them and actually having a good time, shows commitment.

Saying "we should've gone to the festival" however, does not.

In fact, it shows her that you are not the man she wants and needs you to be, but rather someone who prefers to engage in party behavior (festival) instead of showing her commitment by integrating in her family.

She's right, your words are meaningless at this point. And I think deep down inside you know that things would continue just like they always have, had she not broken up with you.

I hung out with my ex on Sunday. I went over to her house and brought her family frozen yogurt as well as herself. We spoke for a while and hung out. She was a in a good mood seeing me but I could still sense that she was hurt . I apologized to her and told her everything I felt. She asked me to give her space and I said I will because I love you. I I texted her the next morning when I woke up goodmorning and a photo from an art show she was talking to me about yesterday.

She asked for space, you agreed...then you texted her the very next morning?

I'm not sure you understand what giving someone space means.