A (horror) story of my relationship

Hi guys, this is more a letter to self than a real question because at the end, nobody can really tell how my relationship was, but I need to at least not feel guilty. The pain of losing her is already big enough.

It will be a long thread, but I dont intend you to read it all. I just want to remind myself, keep MY reasons for this break up well fresh, as they only seem to vanish with time over the good things.

I am talking with my friends a lot these days. It's one of those break ups that for one reason everyone around you understands and encourages you to go ahead and be strong. They tell me I have some kind of "stockholm syndrom" with her, but I don't see it and all I see is the good things she did for me. So, since we re broken up and I don't need the positive ones anymore (which were a lot and VERY good), here's the (only negative) story of my relationship:

THE FIRST PART:

I had a previous ex I had just broken up with her one year before meeting this girl. I was still very hurt and didn't want to have any kind of relationship, but when we met, she wanted it so much. She would do anything and made sure I would like her. I had to go to live abroad, so for 2 years we had a long distance relationship, full of drama.

The first red (RED) flag was once when she came to visit me. She was using my laptop and left her facebook account open. When I went to use it, I saw that she had sent a heart to some random guy on chat... this obviously shocked me so I confronted her and asked her to let me read the whole thing... I learned that evening that she had been sexting with a guy for 6 (SIX!) months all the time. This stranger knew how did my ex-gf shave her vagina, what would she like him to do her more... SHE was asking him to meet several times, and for some reason I *believe* they didn't make it. Obviously I asked her to leave. She was desperate, cried and all, but I was so hurt. I didn't want to lose her but this was too much.

Few days after it, I called her again (we lived in different countries). And we somehow decided to continue and retake the relationship. But from this point, the trust was gone and I made the mistake of invading her privacy checking her cellphone constantly during a long time. This, of course, brought a lot of arguments and I consider this event, the basic reason for our doom, since it happened in the first year of the relationship.

When I checked her cellphone I also discovered that she had invited a guy she liked to visit her a couple of days at her place... Apparently that was totally normal for her and he would have slept in the couch. I never believed that completely, but I had no proof against it. I also learned that she lied to me in the way we started our relationship: for me it was important to know that she had been single for a few months at least before me, but she actually dumped her previous ex for me. I hate this and she knew this, therefore she lied so I wouldnt think bad of her.

In one of my visits we had a big argument. I wanted to leave and she took the key so I couldnt leave. I was freaking out so I slapped the door very loudly. She stood up like a spring and came to me shouting "what's wrong with you!!" and slapped me twice (because I stopped her before more) with ALL her strength. I pushed her against the bed and we both realized what had happened. I dont even remember how we got over this "argument".

Another time, same place, I visited her. It was snowing a lot. Her parents came to visit and we had an argument before we had to go with them for dinner. I am also a proud guy sometimes, so I left the house and started walking to some place because I didnt know the city. She catched me with the car and asked me if I wanted to come, I said no and she left. Knowing that I had nowhere else to go. I was sitting under the snow for 3 hours at night before she came.

After that... a lot more drama came. We always thought it was because of the long distance, so we ended moving in together... bad mistake. She got me to move to her city. An awful city in the ex-communist germany. It's gray, dirty and full of abandoned buildings... I HATED it so much. But she told me we would move after 2 years if I wanted so. Then I had to look for a job and got one that was an absolute crap compared to my previous job. I fell into depression and got addicted to a videogame. My life was so dark and so useless that I only wanted to play to stop thinking. After a few months...oh my god, the Monster.

We broke up. And I call the Monster to that thing that my ex-gf turned into during that month before I left the house. I was crying in front of her and she just couldnt stop being mean PAM PAM PAM! as if I had cheated on her or being phisically abusive.. I was begging her to stop and she was just not able. I was once in bed and she just came and turned on the lights, took the blanket I was using and shaked it. I was so angry and humiliated then..

But the worst.. worse than the slaps, the sexting with the guy, the days of aggressive silence... the WORST I have ever had was a sentence that pierced my hert like nothing else has done: We were in bed, in that last month, she had told me to leave the house and we were

broken up, basically, but still shared the bed. I turn to her and start petting her head (she used to love it) and was telling her that we should try fix things, that we could make it.. She told me then that I should start looking for a place because I needed to leave. I turned then around, I was broken and desperate, and started crying in silence next to her, but she could probably notice the bed shaking a little bit. Her next sentence made me lose any kind of sense of reality, and I think that was the very moment my last amount of self esteem was crushed to pieces. She noticed me crying and with the coldest voice said: "Can you just go cry to the couch? I can't sleep".

Shortly after that I left the house. I took first a 3 week trip to visit my old friends in Tenerife. I was like a ghost in this trip and I cried a lot, but at least I was not in that city. When I came back, I had no place to stay so I decided to stay in a hotel for one month. It was ok price and I was just not able to take care of a house. After one month, I found my own appartment and I had to write her to get all my stuff. She didnt even let me pack my own things. She packed everything and put it in boxes in the basement of our old house. Then, put the key in my mailbox and told me to leave it in hers when I was done.

Time went by...5 or 6 months. I was alone and miserable in that city that I loathed and I didnt have yet any friends. This time was so sad. The lonelines...Eventually I started meeting some people but I was never happy. I had deleted her in facebook but a friend told me she was posting sad songs and stuff. I missed her everyday, even if I was with some kind of rebound that, just physically, was ten times better than her. But I missed her, my sweet girl.

We met once, by accident. We saw each other at the mall and it was like a movie. The world around seemed to stop and I was moving in slow motion towards her. She was beautiful. I had to sit in a bench next to her and asked her if she wanted to go have a cofee.. We kissed that afternoon. And after some more months we decided to get back together.

THE SECOND PART:

We started together again and I was an ocean of insecurity. I still hated the city and specially the job, but I was happy I was with her again. The first months...well, I "had" her again, but she seemed very decided to show who was in command now. Even though she did, she really did become more reasonable in arguments and more willing to give up, there were now things that she would just not allow. I understood that.

The first shock came when she told me about a trip that she had planned to do alone. She had changed her mind during our time separated and decided to do it with a guy friend. I was angry, but I didnt want to show much. I asked if I could join, but she told me that he (HE!!) would feel bad and like a third wheel if I went. When I asked her how they would do it, if they'd share the room she told me "well of course, and if we have to share the bed because it's cheaper I will do it. I'm not going to change it for you". I knew the guy wanted something with her and she kept on denying it. The evening before they left, we all went for dinner... it was awkward but i didnt want to show i was angry. My ex went on a moment to the toilet and this guy looked at me and told me that he was happy to see that we got back together, he hoped I wouldnt screw again... Then he said "but I have to admit I would have also been happy if you hadn't got back together, because I am also interested in her". This guy was taking my girlfriend to a trip for a week to Spain.. I wanted to punch him so badly but my ex came just in that moment and noticed of course my livid face. When at home, in bed, i told her this and she was getting mad at ME and didnt believe that I was saying the truth... I felt so rejected then.

To this day I am not 100% sure she didnt cheat on me on that trip. Physically the guy isnot attractive at all, but also not a deformed monster.

(I'm writing this and feeling like crap because I'm thinking that maybe she cheated)

Finally after that trip we could say we started our relationship again. It was bumpy but somehow we made it better than the first part. We both had learned how to deal with arguments better and we had a lot of fun together. After some months of clearing this, the other problems in my life came and I focused on wanted to change jobs. The job was making me more and more unhappy and i wanted to change it.

She kept on being absolutely independent and disregarding my opinions when she was doing something I thought wrong. She went to a class meeting from old classmates and told me how she meet this and this guy... I was still very jealous by then but played ok. She then told me she would meet one of them for a cofee. Weeks went by and I didnt hear anything about it. And I asked her when was she going to meet this guy "Oh, I already did". I felt bad she hadn't told me..but that was her showing me how little she needed my validation. I know she takes pictures of basicaly any thing she eats, so I asked if she took of the meeting.. she did show me. There was him, a pretty attractive guy, she was taking very cute portraits of him. I told her that I dont think this is normal but somehow it ended up as me being paranoid.

Now I dont know if it was the job or not being able to trust her completely. In this second part of the relationship (and in the first one) I have felt SO lonely. I rarely got calls from her, just Whatsapp messages, and she is not someone who would like to have a sweet talk on the phone if I'm gone.

Anyways, the job problem brought more and more arguments to us, because she didnt want to move from her area and I was not finding jobs here. She said I was not searching enough. I remember telling her often that I felt that with one hand she was petting me (helping me find jobs in her region) and with the other one suffocating me (by not allowing me to search outside).

Eventually she gave in, and *said* that she would come with me if I get a job outside the region. Which I did (almost). A few weeks ago I got the call of a huge company. It's a car maker, and I'm sure some of you have a car of this brand. The job is exactly what I wanted, and I would literally double my income plus other advantages. It is also extremely beneficial for my career and... it's what's keeping my spirit up these days when I've lost everything.

I went to the interviews. The previous week it was even more arguments because I was so scared I wouldnt get the job. But 3 weeks ago we went on holiday and things were just so perfect between us. She wanted to have kids with me she said and things were looking better.

Then finally I get the call for the interview. She and I start to argue and this time I know she's scared because she doesnt want me to get the job. We argue the whole week of the interview and she tells me when I come not to come home (we were living together again but I was keeping my old flat)

After a couple of days we meet shortly, in a park. She breaks up, again. She says that I'm arguing too much, that I dont help enough in the house.. I say, ok, I dont want to lose you for this, let me fix it, you know I'm unhappy here because of my job. But no. It was "too late". Doesnt spend much time about it and leaves me there... She then did the same play of packing my things and leaving them in the basement...

I am sad, I miss her, but this time I'm not so desperate. I keep thinking that someone who wouldnt come with me for such a great opportunity is just someone who doesn't love you enough. I am NC since I picked my things.

I got fired that same week. Had to happen. Then I posted in a facebook group that I am leaving my flat in one month and if someone wants to take it. She saw it and send me an email asking me if I got the job. I didnt reply. Not out of pride, but out of fear. I am scared of her. I am scared of getting a patronizing answer like "Ok David. I wish you luck in your life" that would only make me feel like crap. The next day she wrote me again asking if dont want to answer her. If anyone is still reading at this point, should I answer her?

THE THIRD PART:

There is no third part. But I whish there was. I whish she would come with me. I know this is crazy and I have all the reasons in this world to want to finish this off for good. I am a fairly attractive guy, always moderately successful with girls, but this reltionship has finished my selfesteem off and I think she's the best I will ever do. I need to convince myself that I will be happier without her. That maybe I've been unhappy all this years because I felt that I was with someone who didnt actually love me but just wanted to have me under her control. I need to get in my head that this is not a healthy reltionship. I need to hear it, I need to hear it's bad and shouldnt be rekindled again. If anyone read this far, please help me out.

Have some pride and tell her to do one. You can't live like this. You've experienced her at her best and worst and at her worst she'll hurt you again and again. Take a deep breath, continue with NC and do what makes you happy. Move. Think of yourself for once and block her. It's tough and horrible but better than stayin with her. You'll heal and will be stronger for this experience. Leave her to damage some one else. You've suffered enough

Dude, this post is wayyy too long. Can't you simplify this please?

Don't answer. Maintain no contact till the end of time.

Ok, I read to the end. Re-read your Third Part. You know you need to stay away from her, she's very toxic to you. She likes to be in control and you let her have that control for way too long.

It's time to do something for YOU! Go NC, every way you can. Move, get a better job, start to live life on your terms. You put up with her for way too long. Good luck!

Thank you guys...it really feels good any kind of support at this time. I try to rationalize but sometimes all I think is in her beautiful smile or just the good moments. I think that maybe *I* was just bad for her and she will be absolutely happy with someone else, I imagine her doing all the things she doesnt do with me, like jogging, with someone else and being happy and relieved that I left the city...

Such a f*cked up psychological trap

You need to move on. You've allowed this woman - 'your sweet girl' - to dominate your life, your thoughts, your emotions.

You're addicted to the drama, and yes, you've got a form of Stockholm Syndrome. You think you'll never be anythig without her, and that she's the best you can get.

You can do a lot better, and you will. Take your balls back from her grip and get some counselling. That will help you with thinking about her all the time. Move somewhere you like and change your environment. Look for work that you enjoy. Go to a doctor and get anti-depressants, if you need to. Stop being passive in your life and take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. You have no one to blame now.

Of course it will be hard and it will take some time to recover. Start by taking the first steps. You're free now.

My thoughts exactly, but Gollum stated it far more eloquently than I ever could.

I'm taking some of those answers I read and write them down in my journal... yeah, it's not the most masculine thing to do but it helps me a lot.

I'm moving soon to another place, to a much better job, a lot more money and much nicer city, but I will still be a foreigner (I'm a Spaniard living in Germany) and I'm afraid to miss her too much being all alone there.

How long does it take? I had a way worse break up before her that took me so long to move on. In fact, that breakup and the fear to abandonment that came from it, could have been the reason why I was no able to let her go.

All I needed to read was the beginning where she was sexting some guy and he knew about her grooming habits. The rest is just you being way too desperate. Dump her for good and move on she's not relationship material at all.

Why, after all these things, do I miss her so much????

And trust me, there are more. In every argument she would belittle me, not letting me talk, leaving the room when I was talking (or switching off the lights of the room with me inside...)...etc, etc, etc.... Man, why if there was so much horror can't I just MOVE ON???

3 weeks ago you were on holiday with her and things were good? It's going to take a long time to get over her, probably feeling back to your self in about a year after that much drama. 3 weeks is nothing. It will be months before you start even feeling better. That's the cold hard truth. In the meantime stay away from her 100% or it will take longer. They call it heartbreak for a reason. You need to break the addiction of her.

I hate that I'm even considering the idea of asking her to get back together! It's crazy I know, but all I can think it's that she's the best I can do: She's got a nice face, an *awesome* body and we are just so much fun together.... I miss her and I know she's bad for me

I'm afraid that I'll never be or feel like that with someone else

Why did you say that getting fired from your job "had to happen"? I guess you didn't get that other job you interviewed for? If you're currently jobless, why don't you get out of that city you hate so much? A new start, far away from her will do you a lot of good.

@sargon, I have 2 answers for this. One is the realand one is the excuse...

The excuse is that due to my appartment contract, I still have to pay 3 more months.

The real is that somewhat I dont want to leave her...

God, I started well, thinking of all the bad things... Now all I can think of is of the good things and that we had such a strong connection. I literally don't imagine myself with another girl (this is not post-breakup, I had already told this same sentence to a friend). Why am I going backwards? Why do i miss her more everyday???

You need to get away from this girl as far and as fast as possible. She is literally ruining your life. Especially if you got fired and failed to get the new job because of your emotional state from all of the relationship problems.

i never thought she was bad for me. She did help me so much and tried for me to be happy in her city... I'm having a hard time trying not to take all the guilt

I want to remove the idea from my brain of getting back together!!