Is he breaking up with me?

So.. theres a lot of background with this story... I don't really know where to start. I've always had a hard time trusting people, and it's got in the way of so many of my relationships. I never really understood why I was like this or tried to get to the core of the issue. But basically, I think it stems from when I was in 8th grade. I was at a friends house, and my mom called me and told me to get straight home. I got home and she was hysterically crying and hovering over our answering machine. She said please listen to this and tell me what this is. PLEASE, while in hysterics. So I'm listening to this voice message, and it's all muffled and I'm so confused at first. I finally make out my Dad's voice in it. I hear slight laughing and giggling. Then I hear another voice, of another women. At the time, he was on a business trip in Chicago. He travels to trips like this probably around 5 to 10 times a year. As the message continues on, there is still just laughing and I can tell that my Dad had been drinking. It was really hard to actually make out any words they were saying, but the slight sounds of giggling from my dad and another women haunts me to this day. My Dad had butt dialed my home phone, leaving this message. My Mom asked him the next day if he had gone out, and he said no. She told him about the message and he was on the next flight home. For the next month or two, there was constant screaming. My dad denies that anything happened with the woman, and says they were just riding a cab together. I heard so many terrible things that my Mom said to my Dad. She was in so much pain. And i really didn't want to believe that my Dad had done anything wrong. He truly is someone I look up to SO much. He is always giving me advice and is so wise. So to see that this was going on, and to see that he could have possibly messed up everything, has honestly hurt me so much. He is such a good person- Did he really do something that bad?? Did he cheat on my Mom? They are still together today, and doing well. But only until about a year or two ago did I realize how much this effects me. I just graduated college and I have a boyfriend that I've been with for about a year and a half. And there are so many issues with us.

First off, he has slept with a lot of girls. I'm not that proud of my number either but he has slept with around 20 girls and is a year out of college. He had insecurity issues for a while and always got called a mute or so quiet in high school which I think really got to him. He also cheated on his last girlfriend. He was with her for like 6 to 8 months and they went to college 7 hours away from each other so really only saw each other in the summer. But still- the fact that he has cheated on his ex has been in my head since day 1. He seriously treats me so well and cares about me a lot, a lot of people say that to me. But, I'm literally ruining our relationship. I can not handle him going out and drinking. I drink a lot too, and it's fine if we are together, but if he is with his friends and drinking, I'm like texting him mean things about how I can't trust him. I KNOW this is not right and I honestly feel so bad that I'm making him feel bad and being mean. I just can't shake the fact that he has cheated on his ex! He says I am like his first real real girlfriend, and has never felt this way about someone before. He actually lived in my college house for 6 months too, so he says he's never spent so much time with someone. But every time he is out I can't stop thinking about it. If he doesn't answer me within an hour I really do freak out in my head.

NOW.. we live like 3 hours away from each other but were in college this whole time so we've only spent a summer and breaks apart... but this past Friday, one week ago... he was back home (he had just been at my house Wednesday), and went out wth his friends that night. I went out with my friends too.. and ended up drinking way too much. I don't know what triggered me to do this but I started saying how this was over between us on text JUST because he was with his friends drinking.. i know how completely stupid that is. It's just we haven't been away from each other and like going out drinking in really like 6 months... We spent the first few weeks of summer together too. I ended up saying all of these mean things to him about how hes a cheater and to never talk to me again...he ended up stopping answering me and ignored my texts..which really upsets me.. and because im so used to having the upper hand i was still mad at him for ignoring me even though he had the right too with what i was saying.

The next day at like 6:00 I was like I know that I over reacted and im really sorry about that but i hate that you ignored me etc. etc. He was responding and saying how hes tired of being walked all over and that last night was out of hand... He stopped answering me at 8:00 and went out Saturday night and didnt say anything to me the entire night. I was SO mad he ignored me I texted him something like WOW you're ignoring me again! we're done. And in the morning he answered and was like im sorry im just really upset about all of this i dont know what to do.. and we talked that day and i was upset about him not talking and he was upset about me behaving lke that. And i asked him if he had cheated on me that weekend and he was like no but the fact that that's what youre concerned about here.. and just stopped answering til that night..

then I texted him and said like you're just not gonna answer? are you breaking up with over text? And he was like no im not ending this by any means id be devastated if we broke up. Then i tried calling him and he was like i dont have the energy to talk about this ill call you tomorrow.. he never called monday and we didnt talk at all. Tuesday I was like what happened to that call? And he said he was working all day and night and was working that morning too. I got so mad and was like you're definitely not working right now if you're lying and not answering me it makes me think you cheated. Did you hook up with anyone this weekenD? And he was like jesus NO that's all you're ever concerned about. and I was like i know im sorry i have an issue etc etc and he was like all i wanted to do was have a nice weekend with my friends and all you're concerned about is calling me a cheater telling me to never talk to you again and concerned if i hooked up w someone. I tried to explain a little that Im just scared and all this stuff but still how hes hurting me so much by barely talking to me.. no answer again.

Wednesday night I texted him and said Im really really hurt right now.. are we going to work this out ? and he was like "I am very upset too but clearly you will never trust me in this lifetime so what is the point of us continuing this if it's constantly going to be a battle" and i said iwant to work this out.. do you want to break up?? can we talk on the phone? I called him- he didn't answer and i just said are you serious im so upset i thought i meant more to you .. and he was like I'm sorry I'm just not ready to talk yet I'm still processing all of this.. and i said how upset again i was and if he was breaking up with me he at least has to tell me so im not stuck in the middle. I said is there something else going on?? And he said theres absolutely nothing else going on Im just really fed up at this point. You're never going to trust me no matter what I do. Then i said im really sorry i want to work on it so badly etc etc If you don't want to continue this please just tell me. Didn't answer AGAIN, didnt talk to me at all thursday. Friday I decided to try and say somthing nice... so I said " I went on a really nice hike yesterday, wish you coulda been there! miss you " he answered back wiht " I wish I could've been there too but I'm too busy working my life away" .... I asked a question about work... he just DIDNT answer again.

I knew he was like on snapchat he doesnt have any other social media so i Saw that he was on that (i know -creepy) and he was snapchatting a lot to people and it like drives me crazy im like who is he snap chatting?? is it a girl? is it someone he rekindled with on the weekend? ugh it drives me crazy. So I ended up going on another stupid rant about how its been a week since that happened and we need to have some kind of actual conversation..I really want to fix this, but it seems like you don't... I need to know where we stand Like are we together in your eyes? You can't just shut me out if we are in a relationship...I know you are seeing this you're on snapchat and like are you seriously breaking up with me bla bla bla.

No answer. I called him like 3 times and i was like ok. I have to just stop this. So i left him a voicemail about how i was going to stop contacting him and im sorry and i love you. He didnt answer until 12:30 that night saying "I miss you too you were my best friend don't worry I'm not out I'm in bed but after all that happened I just need to step back and clear my mind a bit"

I answered with "You were literally just here, now you’re questioning everything. I would’ve thought you at least would have called me. I get that your angry, but its been a week.. we’ve been together basically everyday the past year and a half and you’re not even telling me where we stand.. Idk. in a relationship you have to communicate you can’t just shut one person out of it, that’s so unhealthy.. If there’s an issue, we should get to the bottom of it and resolve it bc thats what we would do if we truly loved each other. I would never want to see you as upset as I was. Idk.. my mind is in a very strange spot too now... If space is what you wanted, I wish you just would’ve said that. I’ll respect you and give you you’re space now. I honestly need to think about everything too at this point and we’ll talk sometime on your terms"

Now.. it's just a waiting game. Do you think he wants to break up?? I KNOW HOW MESSED UP I AM. I know have problems. I know I have issues. I know i need to tell him about them too. like in detail. but i'm so stuck right now i dont know whether to move on or not ? He's sending me such mixed signals. Does he just want space? He's never done this before, and I understand if he is fed up cuz this kind of thing would happen a lot with me when he was out and I hate that I ever did that and was mean to him... Please please please I don't know what to do. It just sucks cuz he says ill never trust him and all i think about is like is going to hook up w someone else? are we still in a relationship?

Yeah I need to go to therapy....

Anyways.. does he really just want space? What do you think?

i hate this SO much

Please help

well number one you should cut back the drinking. Drunk dialing and texting while your upset causes you to say things you don't mean and regret the next day. I've been guilty of that with my ex.

If I were you I would just back off for now. Give him space. Let him miss you. When he contacts you don't be drinking. If your drunk don't answer. Your mind is in a different place when your drunk. You can't see things rationally and lash out when you imagine he's with someone else. He is probably exhausted from your constant calling and texting and demanding immediate responses..you need to back away and let some time pass so you can both get your bearings.

You seem to be flippant when you say you need therapy, but I think you need that perspective. It would be very helpful for you to learn how to deal with your controlling fears that are going to destroy every relationship you have until you can heal and learn other ways to deal with these panics. This isn't your boyfriend's issue to solve for you by changing his behavior - it's YOUR issue and it's ruining (or has already ruined) what you have with this guy.

I agree with kbb - back off and take this time to get some help. Badgering him and demanding he give you answers isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to take the pressure off of him (and keep it off) by working on your own issues (with a therapist) if you stand a chance of making this work.

Yeah I know I really want to stop with the drinking and lashing out for no reason... I agree that I should give him

Space, but do you think that this is a breakup? I feel like He's not giving me straight answers and have no idea what he's going to do. He keeps sending me mixed signals. Do you think it's because he just needs

Time to think About things but still wants to maybe be with me? It's already been a week of this barely talking stuff...

And thanks a lot I appreciate ur response so much!

Sophie, yeah I may have came off flippant but I'm actually serious.. I hadn't realized how bad my issues were until the past two years but I really do think I should see someone.

I'm just kinda scared. Do you think I lost him by the sounds of his responses? He's sending such mixed messages

Thanks for ur response btw!!!

He needs time and space to himself to think about whether he should break up with you. You haven't given that to him. You've been texting him and calling him. Keep this up and whether or not he has made up his mind already, he will for sure leave you.

You gotta tackle these trust issues with a therapist, not try to mediate them with your partners.

I hadn't realized how bad my issues were until the past two years but I really do think I should see someone.

Do you think I lost him by the sounds of his responses? He's sending such mixed messages

Two years is a long time to have put your issues on this guy, and yes, you may have lost him sweetie. Imagine being him. Put yourself in his place. He's at a bar with friends and you keep texting.

You: Are you cheating on me?

Him: No, I'm just hanging with the guys.

You: Are you sure? I think you are.

(one hour later)

You: Are you cheating on me now?

Him: Nope, still not cheating.

(30 minutes later)

You: I am upset, I don't think you are taking my trust issues seriously. I think you are cheating on me.

Him: I'm not.

You: You are ignoring me and not reassuring me; you must be cheating on me. You are an @#$, etc.

Do you see how exhausting this would be? Would you want to feel like you were in a prison of mistrust every time you left your SO's side to hang out with friends?

I know it's not easy to realize these things about yourself, but really this is an OPPORTUNITY to get help from a therapist. Your paranoia of being left is actually CAUSING your greatest fear to come true and he is pulling away. If, by some chance, he comes back, you need to OWN your crap - not start lashing out that he ignored you so you had a right to mistrust/badger him. And don't expect him to reassure you or solve your trust issues - this is yours to work through.

Best of luck.

Sophie, yeah I may have came off flippant but I'm actually serious.. I hadn't realized how bad my issues were until the past two years but I really do think I should see someone.

I'm just kinda scared. Do you think I lost him by the sounds of his responses? He's sending such mixed messages

 

Thanks for ur response btw!!!

Right now he is giving it very serious thought. And I would surmise one more accusation from you will end it.

Right now he is giving it very serious thought. And I would surmise one more accusation from you will end it.

I agree. OP, please consider my sig below, and please make an appointment with a therapist first thing in the morning.

So after we stopped talking saturday and most of sunday, he texts me last night saying " I dont think i want to do this" .. and i assumed he was breaking up with me and i said are we going to have a conversation on the phone now? He just doesnt answer. So that really hurt me and i want to have some closure and just talk about everything one last time, so I send him a message this morning if we could just talk cuz he means a lot to me and everything. He answers back "When i said i dont think i want to do this, i meant i dont think i want to be without you." I said " you're sending me really mixed signals." He doesnt answer the entire day .......and now its 11 at night. WHAT IS HE DOING? I called him before and then said why are you doing this? I cant take this treatment anymore..

what is he doing!?!?

[Misread post]

I didn't talk to him at all since the last message where i said i would give him space. Then he texted me last night randomly saying that! That's why I answered..

I didn't talk to him at all since the last message where i said i would give him space. Then he texted me last night randomly saying that! That's why I answered..

He's indulging in his share of the drama.

I can empathize with him, but you've got to assert yourself as well if he's going to be using the space you give him to send you cryptic text messages.

Let him know you're giving him his space and that you two can work it out and move on. Do not entertain these sporadic text messages. Do not respond to anything other than "let's meet up" or "I'm ready to talk."

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Yeah you're probably right.. this just whole not knowing this sucks a lot. Thanks for the response!

He is playing games. No one would have interpreted "I don't want to do this anymore" as "I don't want to be without you".

He is waiting for a reaction.

I would forget the "space" and accept that this treatment is nasty and cruel and this is not a man you can trust with your heart and take back your power and end it yourself.

I think it's more of him really not knowing what he wants or what to do. Probably going through the usual motions of "I should end this," "No I shouldn't end this." Eventually he will choose one way or the other but I believe right now he's weighing his options and going back and forth on them which is why you're getting mixed messages. Was in his shoes once.

I know i probably pushed him to this point but its crazy cuz literally everyone is always like wow he is obsessed with you he cares about you soo much its crazy and all this stuff. Maybe this free time feels good for him and getting to be with his friends is nice since the last semester in college he really spent a lot of time with me and my friends- His best friends graduated in December. But now he just hasn't contacted me at all since Monday saying "I meant I don't think I want to be without you."

Do I just like decide to move on in my head and if we work it out later on then Ok? I know this completely contradicts what I'm trying to get over but I'm still just thinking like he's going to hook up with someone this weekend. I know he's going away with his friends, (which he originally really wanted me to come with...) what if he's just waiting till this weekend to have fun and do what he wants and then try and get back with me?

Do I still just give it time and wait for him to contact me because its only been a week and a half?! It feels sooo long especially these days when we're used to communicating every hour. But I don't know the appropriate time to wait or how long I accept this behavior. I don't know what to do

And I know this sounds stupid but he also like checks my snap chat stories so he knows I see that ... but still doesn't say anything. UGH!

Do you think it is fair to you that he breaks up, ignores you, maybe has a random hookup and when he gets his jollies over, comes back?

Grab a handful of self respect and move on.

I know.. but we never actually broke up. He said he missed me and needed to clear his mind a bit.. and after two days of not talking he said how he didnt want to be without me. I'm just so confused. It's just so hard because this whole thing is probably my fault. But i don't know what he wants. He's been such a good guy this entire relationship. Is it okay to think maybe he needed a week or two to think about things? Ugh I know I probably sound so stupid I'm just so upset.. physically ill and I just want to know what he's thinking...

You have broken up.

Saying all the other crap is him wandering around looking for a hook up and keeping you guessing, sitting in a cage called Limbo at home. He said he didn't want to be without you....but hasn't done anything to show that.

It isn't your fault. It is both your faults. Who cares what he wants? Don't you want a guy that treats you with respect?

No, he doesn't need a week or two to think about things.

So... i ended up sending kind of a last text for me on thursday and i opened up about the issues with my family and everything and just said like i have to assume this is over and stuff. He was so shocked to hear about my issues and was so upset for me and told me the whole time he thought i was just being so mean to him for no reason ( i know its still not an excuse to be mean) but still, he thought it was crazy that that had happened and wish i had told him earlier. He said how much he still loves me but what i said had just affected him so much and he didnt know what to do or how to handle this because it wasnt fair i was treating him like that but he didnt want to lose me. He ended up calling me Saturday and apologized a ton about basically ignoring me for a week and a half. He said me opening up like really struck a cord in him and he wants to work everything out.. he was taking time for himself (he's also currently looking for a job) and doesnt have much confidence right now so everything was really getting to him and stressing him out. But now he is sending me sooo many texts about how much he loves me and how sorry he was. And called me a bunch of times tonight but I didn't really answer too much. I of course asked him on the phone if he had hooked up with anyone .. i know i shouldnt just keep doing that but he said that no it wasnt like that at all he didnt think of himself as single just that we were going through a rough time.

Anyways.. I'm not too sure how to go about this now? I know I was wrong initially for treating him poorly but he took the ignoring and mixed messages way too far. I love him so much and still want to be with him but he needs to understand what he did was wrong.