Big move, big job- Great, only thing is its Abu Dhabi- MUST GET MARRIED (law)

I have great girlfriend. My second proper relationship, 18 months we live together, I love her, life is good! HERES THE PROBLEM:

I have been offered an amazing job in UAE and cant wait, we have traveled there and we loved it. Plan is we stay there 3 years make lots of money (tax free) and move home. However we MUST get married (by law) if she wants to live with me and get a visa etc.

At first I was cool with this, she is totally up for it (OK a bit nervous). Now I am getting nervous! The job is a no brainer I must take it, it essentially triples my pay. But now getting cold feet re the marriage. I am not going without her. She is quitting her job etc and I think its fair I make commitment. Recently (last few weeks) I have been irritable and finding faults in her etc and having doubts. I would probably have proposed in 12 months if all was good. Now if she is to come with me we MUST get married next 3 months (small ceremony).

Its all or nothing though! There's no middle ground. I know we will love it there but what if?????

ARGHHHHHHH!

Ant advice?? Am I crazy doing this? Doubts?? Not how I planned engagement/marriage

Bigchief:

You say: "I am not going without her". So, nothing more to be said. You have to be married to her in order to live in Abu Dhabi.

It is a great opportunity.

You also say you love her.

How HAD you planned engagement/marriage?

There is nothing wrong with a small ceremony. The nerves and cold feet are normal.

GET MARRIED!

If the pay is triple, ride it all the way to the bank. You love her, and she loves you, so get married. Not the most ideal way, but you got to do the best under the circumstances.

Nervousness is normal, so dont fret about that. Marry the girl and go to Abu Dhabi and have an awesome time there! Anything I've seen of it on tv, well it looks great!

I have been irritable and finding faults in her etc and having doubts.

I guarantee the pressure is making you see her under a microscope. No one is perfect. The only person who's perfect for you is YOU. Things to think about, do you life goals, how you handle money, raising kids, views on religion, and leisure match? Do you enjoying eachother, are friends, able to confide in eachother, and got eachother's back?

If yes to above, then the nitpicking is your way to stay commitmentphobic. If you two are not getting along, and don't have the same life goals, get on the phone right now, and tell her to NOT quit her job. So at least you can move there, get settled, and see how things go between you two long distance.

Now if she is the one, don't be lame, and get married!

perhaps airing some doubts to strangers can help you alleviate some of the worries?

for example if sometimes she makes this annoying noise, potentially not a deal breaker

but if you're dealing with, sometimes she doesn't come home for 3 days, and tells me to eff off when I ask her where she was

well then, that's a different story

go for it chief ...

maybe after the 3 years and you are both blissfully happy , married and rich and you leave, you can have one god almighty blessing and knees up with your family to re marry each other under no pressure as it where .

Life is short ..love is sweet ..

You're doing it for legal reasons....so keep it purely legal for now. I'd say no ceremony at all.

Tell her when you're ready for the real wedding ( which you said you thought you would be within a year anyway) you'll purpose just like you normally would have and you can start there again as far as everyone else (the law, family/friends) is concerned. I'd also make sure you sign a pre-nump since it is a purely legal decision. This way you can keep going forward at your own pace without as much pressure to jump ahead to the next step....that might hep you feel less anxious. Talk to to her tell her how you're feeling and be open about it.....you think you do want to marry her....just not RIGHT NOW.....that's not so terrible.

Ok, you'll be making three times your salary right. So if you have to give her half when you get divorced you'll still be doing better than you are if you don't go.

I say go for it.

The point is, he wants her there with him living in Abu Dhabi during this time. Marriage is the only way this can happen. And since he's not turning down the job for love, he's gotta do, what he's gotta do to keep his lady love by his side.

Ok, you'll be making three times your salary right. So if you have to give her half when you get divorced you'll still be doing better than you are if you don't go.

 

I say go for it.

hahaha brilliant

I would not marry her "just legally" and make it so that it isn't "real." Either you want this woman, or you don't. If you are not sure about marrying her - leave her behind with the idea that you will make sure this job is for real and settle in and if you decide she is the one - propose to her and have a timeline for a wedding. Even come back to the states in 6 months to a year, etc, for a vacation and marry her. You should never marry someone if you are not sure about it. But on the other hand, both of you made the 3 year plan with eachother like a married couple would. Either marry her now with the relatives present and the white dress - or marry her later, but don't get married at the courthouse and tell her its just a legal formality and its not the real thing.

I came accross this a lot in the army ..to bring your girl/man from home to settle with you it involved marriage and that was all there was to it . Marry or have a LD relationship .

Totally agree Abit. But he has said he will NOT go without her. Also Chief only has three months for them to get married, and the legal requisite is there, so get married one way or another. They can throw a party some other time.

Why can't she move there on her own merits? And you live in different apartments? Has she lined up a job there or what?

I wouldn't marry someone in this situation. I think saying I won't go there without her is a little silly. If the relationship is strong, you figure something out. If you aren't ready for the real deal marriage, don't do it just for a visa.

I actually think it's pretty gross when people marry to get into a country. You are moving to that country; so you should be offering more anyways than "I married him/her". Just my opinion.

Why can't she move there on her own merits? And you live in different apartments? Has she lined up a job there or what?

 

I wouldn't marry someone in this situation. I think saying I won't go there without her is a little silly. If the relationship is strong, you figure something out. If you aren't ready for the real deal marriage, don't do it just for a visa.

 

I actually think it's pretty gross when people marry to get into a country. You are moving to that country; so you should be offering more anyways than "I married him/her". Just my opinion.

UAE is a muslim country. Although it appears a lot more western and less conservative than other places, a single gal making a go of it for a career does not have the rights she has in the US or in Europe, etc. I think it would be hard for her to just go on her own merits, I know you have visited there, but being a tourist and living there is not the same thing. Unless she is very familiar with the culture and really can in her field get something on her own merit and can live alone etc, I wouldn't do it. o

Muslim countries are super strict like that. Heck, even if she went "on her own merit" and they didn't marry and they lived separately, they could bristle against the locals for dating. Dating and being alone with the opposite sex when you are not married is frowned upon.

Honestly, I'd take the job and marry the woman for legal reasons on US soil. Consult a lawyer about a prenup and make sure that it's airtight and sign it with lawyers. Don't even think about impregnating her in UAE. Then, when you come back to the US, if you want to divorce, you can do so without too much financial repercussion.

UAE is a muslim country. Although it appears a lot more western and less conservative than other places, a single gal making a go of it for a career does not have the rights she has in the US or in Europe, etc. I think it would be hard for her to just go on her own merits, I know you have visited there, but being a tourist and living there is not the same thing. Unless she is very familiar with the culture and really can in her field get something on her own merit and can live alone etc, I wouldn't do it. o

If this is all true, then why is everyone so gung ho she move there and he marry her?

Maybe I don't understand...because that sounds like a horrible situation to put herself in, then.

The OP mentioned in first post that they've both already been to Abu Dhabi and love it there. So, they are aware of what it's like. Indeed something like 80% of the population there is expat.

I think the OP is just suffering from a bit of nerviness.

Maybe some of his nerves are knowing though that they HAVE to get married for this to work with her there, and that she may be more dependent on him once there than she would be at home?

Repeating: He said he would NOT go without her....

"I have great girlfriend. My second proper relationship, 18 months we live together, I love her, life is good! "

Sounds good to me.

Chief: It is your call. Also, your wife can work in Abu Dhabi, just depends what here area of expertise is..

She is quitting her job etc and I think its fair I make commitment. Recently (last few weeks) I have been irritable and finding faults in her etc and having doubts.

This is what made me think he already is starting to feel responsible for her. She's quitting her job, leaving everything....feel like I gotta commit.

Seems like a bad way to go forward, IMO.

Wow thanks for the advice all.

RE Prenup- not required (I wouldn't believe in it)

RE- her getting a role there She is very skilled will probably make more money than me after a year or two! (if she has work visa ie married to me!)

If it wasn't for the marriage thing it would be so easy, she would definitely come etc. Its just making it official is kinda scary. Its a big break for us both to be honest.

I have no choice I must MARRY her to make it work. Its black and white.

I think I need to man up and do it! Cold feet is natural I hear but I would be lost without her over there!

I think you are doing the right thing ..

do you need a house maid ?