My sad story and some questions...

Here's my story...Was with my ex for 5 years, engaged for 2. The engagement was so long because she said she wanted to get settled in her new job and have time to plan it out properly. However, 2 months ago (not 2 weeks after she posted on Facebook requesting family and friends' addresses for wedding invitations), she drops the "I'm not happy, I need space and I'm confused" bomb. I was completely blindsided. She proceeded to tell me she had not been very happy for a year (she hid it well, I guess...she always told me she loved me and seemed happy enough). Not to mention, she had recently begun chatting with a "friend" quite extensively (yeah, I didn't buy the friend thing either).

Fast forward to one month later: She had already moved out of the house I bought for US and drove off in the car I co-signed for and headed straight to an apartment that she rented with her "friend". Not 1 week later I saw a picture on Facebook of them driving in her car and holding hands titled "So In Love". I had already blocked her and the other guy on Facebook but a mutual friend posted the picture. He's blocked now too (side note: I ran into him in town last week; he at least had the good graces to look embarassed when I walked up and shook his hand. lol). I haven't seen her in over a month, and the last time we communicated was when she texted me wanting more of her stuff, followed by a "Is everything good your way?" to which I never responded.

She has not introduced the new guy to her family and seems embarassed for her parents to find out about him (I spoke to her dad when I dropped off her stuff and he had no idea what was going on). I have a full-time job making decent money, a house and I'm a responsible guy...her new guy has no job, no reliable vehicle (he drives her car everywhere), a 12-year old daughter his parents are raising for him and no money. He has a reputation around here as being a lazy, good for nothing mama's boy...and that's not me talking but many people who know him. I'm moving on, but I just can't understand how you can be with someone for 5 years and just drop it like it meant nothing for a POS like that.

Questions:

1. Don't you think if she was that unhappy for a year she would have, I don't know...said something? I told her that and she just said, well I guess that's on me then...

2. I'm not sure how long their relationship has been going on but I'm sure it started before we broke up...maybe not physically but there was definitely some emotional cheating going on (which is in a lot of ways worse). Do you think my assumption is correct? I don't see any other way she can just leap into a relationship with this guy if there wasn't something there to begin with.

3. Also, she's 26. GIGS or something else? She gave me no indications she was unhappy and said she felt like she was missing out on too many things. That could've just been BS, though.

Like I said, I'm slowly moving on and wouldn't consider taking her back. I loved her and she threw our relationship in the trash. I have no room in my life for people like that. I'm just wanting an outsider's perspective on the situation.

Thanks.

It is likely gigs and the fact that you guys have been together of 5 years, she never sewed her wild oats and the pending marriage scared the bejesus out of her. Her emotional maturity seems a bit...off.

Im currently going through the same as you although we weren't engaged she left me for someone else and I believe he was there during the hard times of our relationship. I wish I saw the red flags sooner but hey you dodged a bullet. She didnt respect you enough to tell you and she lied to you the whole time for almost a year im assuming. You are better off without her bro and I know that there is someone better out there waiting for you that will treat you with respect. You never know too she may come back running to you once she sees she has mad a mistake but I wouldn't take her back or least Id make her work for it for a long time. People usually think the grass is greener when it is not. Keep busy and live your life to the fullest.

Im currently going through the same as you although we weren't engaged she left me for someone else and I believe he was there during the hard times of our relationship. I wish I saw the red flags sooner but hey you dodged a bullet. She didnt respect you enough to tell you and she lied to you the whole time for almost a year im assuming. You are better off without her bro and I know that there is someone better out there waiting for you that will treat you with respect. You never know too she may come back running to you once she sees she has mad a mistake but I wouldn't take her back or least Id make her work for it for a long time. People usually think the grass is greener when it is not. Keep busy and live your life to the fullest.

Yeah, I definitely felt the no respect thing. Looking back, I was a bit of a doormat and too comfortable in the relationship I guess. She always told me she didn't want me spending money on flowers or gifts, but I guess I should have done that stuff anyway. I realized it when I bought her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day and she looked so happy and surprised (then again, could've been an act). I was always "whatever you want to do" when we'd go somewhere. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Lessons learned.

Her dad got very mad when he found out what she was doing, by the way. He kept saying what she was doing was stupid and she needed her butt kicked for leaving me that way and that's not how she was raised. He also told me if it was him he wouldn't take her back either, which surprised me.

This happens so many times going through these posts.

My ex wife after 24 years dropped the bombshell 15 months ago. 5 years, 15 years, 25 years seem to be landmark years for the atom bomb. Not sure why. She also said she'd been thinking about it for years and wasn't cheating but 6 months later I found out that was a lie. But water under the bridge now. I'm enjoying single life and you will too or find someone else if your younger, personally I'm in no great hurry after 24 years I'm just gonna chill. Take care.

Wow I was the same way with my girl. I guess being to nice sometimes can push them away or make them feel we are "wussies" but we shouldn't have to change who we are to be with someone. Once they get treated like crap then they realize how good they had it. Well her dad even told you so there you have it. Make sure you go into no contact for awhile and just focus on yourself and bettering your life.

Wow I was the same way with my girl. I guess being to nice sometimes can push them away or make them feel we are "wussies" but we shouldn't have to change who we are to be with someone. Once they get treated like crap then they realize how good they had it. Well her dad even told you so there you have it. Make sure you go into no contact for awhile and just focus on yourself and bettering your life.

Yeah, I guess there's such a thing as "too nice". Those days are done for me.

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who was unaware of our breakup. He was shocked when I told him and even more shocked when I told him who she left me for, because he knows him fairly well. According to him, her new guy is bi-polar, has OCD, is very clingy and controlling and has attempted suicide once or twice. All I could do was shake my head at the choices she is now making. It sounds terrible, but for the first time in a long time, I had a smile on my face. It sounds like I got the better end of the deal.

NC question: I received a call from the car finance company that her payment is 11 days past due. Should I break NC to see when she's going to pay it? This will affect my credit since I'm a co-signer.

Heck yes, call her about it. If this continues you will have no choice but to take possession of that car. chi

I texted her about it and she said she's in the process of refinancing it with her mom. She was very cold and impersonal...the woman I loved is definitely gone but I'm okay with that. Back to permanent NC.

Another question: I unblocked her on FB to send her a message (if she's at work she has no cell reception so that's the only way to get hold of her). It appears that she blocked me as well. Why would she do that if I had already blocked her? Was she pissed that I blocked her, or was this her attempt at NC? The old her would've probably gotten pissed that I had blocked her and retaliated; this new her I have no idea...

Anyone have any ideas behind her reasoning? It's bugging me and I don't know why.

She blocked you because she doesn't want you to contact her.

It's not rocket science.

Yeah, I figured that out for myself. My question is, why now? I haven't made any attempts to contact her up to now, and this was only because I had to.

So you CANT contact her. She is making sure of it.

Yeah, I figured that out for myself. My question is, why now? I haven't made any attempts to contact her up to now, and this was only because I had to.[/quote

 

Why she did it doesn't matter. . You two are done. That's what you should focus on . .moving on and taking care of yourself. Not trying to decode someone's intentions.

In the end . .it doesn't change anything, does it?

So you CANT contact her. She is making sure of it.

I was able to text her, and she responded immediately. She could have blocked my number if that's the case.

Like reinventmyself said, it doesn't matter or change anything. My mind's just working too much today I guess.

I was able to text her, and she responded immediately. She could have blocked my number if that's the case.

 

Like reinventmyself said, it doesn't matter or change anything. My mind's just working too much today I guess.

normal in the scheme of things. . it will pass. .Carry on!

I swear, exes do the weirdest things . Today I had to drive by the other guy's parents house to go to the store. Apparently they had been visiting and pulled out as I passed. I didn't give them a glance at all but they drove waaaay out of the way to avoid me. I think she's giving herself too much credit.

Anyone have any ideas behind her reasoning? It's bugging me and I don't know why.

She knows than the new guy is below your level, and most guy would think, hah, he is the one?! She doesn't want you to think the way that devalves him.

Sometimes, love is blind, when you really like someone, you don't caculate money, job, social class or reputation etc. I am not saying she is right or making the right choice, it is just when you like someone, it is not a choice you make.

And, it is good for you that things turn out this way, you can find a right partner once you healed.

Well, she broke NC today. She texted me and asked if I still had her treadmill. I told her I did and it would be on my porch. We chatted a little (catching up I guess) and that was it.

I thought I would feel bad afterwards but to tell the truth I was kind of ambivalent. It was nice talking to her again but I didn't feel panicky or hurt, just a little indifferent. The conversation was cordial at least. I'm not going to be contacting her anyway. I realized it wouldn't be so bad with her not in my life.

Update: Her and the new guy (I call him Dildo Baggins because he's very hairy and seriously under 5 feet tall) came and picked up the treadmill. I came home from work, changed clothes and headed out. After shopping I was heading back home and who do you think I passed on the road. Yep, there they were. The funny thing is, I didn't get anxious or upset. As a matter of fact, I waved at them which I think freaked them out. I felt nothing.

I think I'm getting my power back, and it feels pretty darn good.

I was on my computer and went to Pinterest (which I hardly ever do). She was apparently the last person to log in because it brought up her account, which was full of "Love" posts. e.g.: "Don't let the heart that didn't love you keep you from the one who will". W.T.F.? That's one thing she could never say, that I never loved her. I seriously don't think she even knows the meaning of the word. It stung a bit, but I went for a walk and feel better. I know this crap is meaningless but it still hurts that she would think that.

Why would someone who I was committed to spending my life with even think that me not loving her was a possibility?

P.S.: Nope, not breaking NC, no illusions of ever getting back with her. Just confused why she would think this. Trying to convince herself of that perhaps? Hell, she's also got posts of engagement rings and things like that. She's moving WAY too fast...it's almost like she's trying to get the current relationship to the level we were at. Crazy.

She probably misses you and wants to know that you miss her too. Usually if some trys to spped up the process of the relationship it never ends well. Trust me on this one lol.

I think emotionally driven people have difficulty with the conversion from limerence and infatuation to comfort and stability. They take the absence of that heart-fluttery, "I can't stand being apart from him" oxytocin high as proof that they're not in love, so they stop putting as much effort into the relationship. And relationships are equally, if not more about what you give than what you get, which is why the people who are still giving and get blindsided have such a harder time of it.

Long story short, I think she stopped "feeling" your love because she stopped investing as much of hers into you.