Advice for self-love/finding oneself.

Hey guys ,

I feel a bit lost right know and was just wondering if anyone had any advice for me. Basically I was in a 2 year relationship which at the beginning was amazing but my ex became emotionally abusive and we had on an and off relationship that went over the last six months. Each time he broke up with me and I went back. Its over for good this time though as I have realized just how unhealthy that relationship was. He had all the control , I was constantly anxious and terrified of doing/saying the wrong thing in case he would end things again.I loved him a lot more than he loved me and he knew it.

I'm doing okay now as I've just gotten so sick of being manipulated and treated badly.However , I'm at a loss as for what to do.

I feel like I don't fully know who I am and that I lost myself in the relationship. I find that I'm "latching on" to the idea of other guys and using them to try and fill the emptiness. I also l like I'm becoming needy in all aspects of my life. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but its all I can think about. I guess I feel like I need attention from guys to validate me or something. I just want to know how to build up my self-esteem /self worth. If anyone has any suggestions I'd really appreciate it!

Also I started to reconnect a bit with an ex from 2 years ago and we became close friends.I started to develop some feelings for him but knew that it wouldnt be a good idea so I never mentioned it . Last week I bumped into him at a mutual friends party.He was dancing with another girl for the night who seemed really into him. I just was dancing with his friends who were lovely and I really liked hanging out with them . However as the night progressed I got a bit tipsy and it started to really bother me that they were dancing. Against my better judgment I interupted them and asked to talk. I basically told him that I still had feelings for him , he said he didn't . He was sweet about it but it was a bit awkward so we just had a quick hug and went back upstairs. The club was closing so I left with my friends without saying goodbye to him and his friends. The minute I got home , I felt so guilty about what I had done and felt so bad for the girl he had met . I am so humiliated by my behaviour which was completely out of character.I texted him the next day and apologized. He sent a quick text back saying not to worry . But I am worried , Im worried I look desperate , that Ill lose him as a friend and that his friends will dislike me. I really liked them and would hate for them to have a bad impression of me. Obviously I cant do anything now bur if anyone had some words of wisdom they'd be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

I have some advice. This is what worked for me when I was at my lowest:

Learn something new. For me it was learning to play the cello. For you it could be anything you'd really like to learn to do: French cooking, speaking Italian, taking great digital photographs. Mastering something new gives us confidence and makes us more interesting to others.

Volunteer in your community for a cause you care about. Become part of something outside yourself. Sometimes we're so self-absorbed that we become, in effect, invisible. When we give to others, fight for something, we become highly visible to others through our actions and not for our appearance.

Do positive affirmations every day. They should be short, positive, present, specific statements about yourself. Write them out in a notebook every day (I did it at night, made it part of my bedtime routine). By writing them out, you use two areas of the brain and this helps to "set" the affirmation. Here's how I did it:

Write out 30 statements.

Read all the statements every night.

Write one of the statements at least 30 times each night for 30 nights. (Sometimes I'd write a sentence out 50 to 100 times.)

Here's a good affirmation: I have a cute nose. (Specific, present as opposed to future or past tense, positive, and personal.)

Here's an OK affirmation: I am beautiful. (Not specific.)

Here's a bad affirmation: I will not call my ex. [Refers to someone else, contains a negative word ("not"), and is future tense instead of present.]

Good: I'm a great writer.

OK: I'm smart.

Bad: I don't need attention from men in order to validate me. (A bit long, contains a negative word.)

There's a pretty good book on affirmations. Here's the link: link removed

Affirmations don't have to be true, either. They can be what you wish were true about yourself.

I also recommend you play around with your hair and makeup and make some slight changes. This helps others as well as you see yourself in a new light - fresher.

When my daughter was in high school, she once told me she was going to tell a boy she had a crush on that she liked him, even though she was certain he would reject her. In fact, he had a girlfriend. I asked her why she felt she wanted to do it. This is what she said: What's the point in having feelings for someone if you don't tell them? So she told him. And he rejected her (sweetly, though). It's easy to tell someone you care when you're sure they care for you, but it's a brave thing to tell someone how you feel when you know you risk looking foolish. Life is more interesting when you take chances, so forgive yourself for being brave, for being human, for caring for someone. (And who cares what anyone thinks, anyway?!)

Learn to laugh at yourself. When you really do mess up, it's a fine trait to be able to laugh and point at yourself.

Become well-read, if you aren't.

Read The Rules (or at least read what they are: link removed)

Be kind to yourself. There are plenty of people in the world who'd love to emotionally beat you up. Don't be one of them.

Good luck!

Atum's idea about affirmations is a great one. I wasn't disciplined enough to do all that writing, but I took up a simple mantra, "I can do this..." before every situation where I felt resistant--such as heading out the door for work.

We had a coach on my job who wrote a book about it taking 21 days to form a new habit. Your brain needs to form new synapses to form new behavior patterns. He said to keep a running list of the habits you want to change, and only work on one at a time. This avoids glomming things into a giant abstraction--nobody can resolve those.

My first change was the critical voice I ran in my own head. I shifted my judgemental and self defeating thoughts into the voice of a supportive, encouraging coach. It's the most important change I've ever made.

Self esteem is one of the few psychological terms that is clear and literal. It's not parent esteem or boyfriend esteem or friend esteem--it's self generated. So you'll need a two-pronged approach: 1) build the self UP, 2) ditch the habit of seeking attention and validation from anyone else.

When you can adopt a quiet observer mode, you start to recognize encouragement from others because you no longer 'seek' it. People can sense neediness. It feels manipulative and obligatory--which shuts people down--which only confirms the original premise that "I must keep searching for someone who won't reject me."

Skip that, focus on The Self, and practice getting comfortable with the idea that most people are simple NOT a great match. True simpatico is rare. So don't try to 'win' a new best friend or lover, just relax into meeting people where they are.

Adults cannot bond the way we could when we were kids. We adopted one best friend at at time who was our 'everything'. We were blank slates then, and we could homogenize with anyone. But as we mature, our personalities solidify, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea.

We can match certain interests and build limited friendships around those, so we'll enjoy a variety of 'partial' friends to meet different needs. Our tennis friend may not make great conversation, a shopping friend may not care about our spiritual beliefs, and the confidant with whom we share our secrets may not want to go to parties with us.

Appreciate the limitations of others--including most men, who will NOT have the right lens to recognize your unique value as a lover.

Love is rare. If it were not, there would be nothing special about it.

Skip the song and dance--it won't 'work'. The right guy for you will have the right vision. He will 'get you,' even when you're quiet. You won't need to 'try' to win his interest. Sure, he will be the needle in the haystack--so pipe down, learn resiliency, and trust that allowing wrong matches to pass early is a skill. It demonstrates self esteem--and patience.

Relax and liberate yourself from trying so hard for a match with the right friends and the right lover. It will all fall into place once you can get comfortable, get quiet, and allow relationships to come to you gently.