I called off my engagement. So terribly sad. Did I make a mistake?

Hi all,

Background story:

I guess I am just writing to see if anyone else has gone through this and how long it took them to heal. About two weeks ago I called off my engagement to my dear fiance. We had been fighting ALOT for the past 6 months and I was growing very unhappy in the relationship. His drinking was out of control, he would get super mean when he drank and come back the next day apologizing and begging me to not leave him. He is also super controlled by his family (more so his two older sisters) his oldest sister is a b**** and can convince him of almost anything. The straw that broke the camels back was when I switched our wedding date back to its original date. It went from Oct. 2015 to May 2016 and then it was only in discussion to move it back to Oct. 2015. When I discussed this with my FI he was ALL for it and always talks about how he cannot wait to marry me and what not. Well two days later he did a complete 180 after speaking with....you guessed it ..his sister.

He went onto say that he felt too rushed, his other sister would be having a baby that month, he wanted to be financially stable, etc. etc. When just a month prior he wanted to go get married at the courthouse. And we had a place to live, we would've figured it out financially, but he was set on his decision now that it was "too rushed" and I call BS on that because I have letters, text, and memories of late night conversations about how he couldn't wait another day to marry me. So I flipped. I saw my whole future flash before my eyes and how I would ALWAYs come second best to his sisters and that made me sick. He proposed to ME, he made the commitment to marry ME, I never would've said yes had I known and 3rd party would almost ALWAYS be involved. I am all about family and am totally supportive but they became a huge part of our relationship and it made me very uncomfortable. He is two years younger than me so maybe he was just getting cold feet i don't know? But if he wasn't putting his sisters before me he was putting alcohol before me and that flashed DANGER in my head and it was a red flag I couldn't ignore any longer.

Which led me to calling off the engagement. Which sadly enough happened on my birthday weekend and he had surprised me with some amazing gifts. However, I just could not shake the conversation 2 nights prior about his sudden change of heart on the wedding date. So, when he asked me where we stood I said we could talk about that after all my semester finals were over. HE took that as we were OVER completely. He didn't show up on my birthday night and we exchanged the fewest amount of texts ever in our entire relationship. He was convinced I wanted nothing to do with him and I only said we should call off the engagement until we can get our relationship to a healthy level. We didn't talk for two days and I decided that if he didn't reach out to me with two days of silence, perhaps this is really what he wanted deep down too. So, I returned all of his things in a box along with my ring and other jewelry. It was awkward because he avoided it and I had to drop his things off when he wasn't home.

Two days later I flew back to my home town for a week and NO words have been exchanged. He blocked me on the snapchat app and was already snapping other women and partying away. He also deleted almost all of our pictures together on instagram and the ones he chose to keep he erased all of the captions of him saying "i love you" blah blah. It was like I had meant nothing to him and our relationship was BS. Even if this was his way of coping it was a pretty horrendous way to deal with it. After a week passed in my home town I flew back to where I live currently. I texted him when I landed explaining to him that what he was doing was hurtful. I stated that the situation itself was not a good one but I would still never purposely do anything to hurt him.

Deep down I know it was the right choice. I couldn't live with this man forever if addiction and other things came before me. I was bound for a miserable life if that was the case. I thought me walking away would be the catalyst that made him change his ways. But NO his family has convinced him that I was the problem and he doesn't need fixing. I haven't made contact with him since the day I txted him from the airport 6 days ago. He also responded so, it was complete silence. I just am missing him like crazy and am second guessing if I made a mistake. All my friends are saying that HE is the one that had been hurting you and he wasn't changing. You were miserable in your relationship so this isn't you missing him its missing having something and being lonely. And while I agree with that I just can't shake the thought of what he's doing, who he's texting, if there is another girl in his life already, etc. He's been in my dreams every night since we split and I wake up with the most awful pain in my chest, an ache that just longs for his presence again. I'm so confused. I don't plan on making any contact since I was the one who broke it off and don't want to send mixed signals. But a part of me feels so sad he didn't even try to fight for me. I know he's stubborn and has a lot of pride but the way he always said he loved me made me think I meant more to him than what he's doing now. So hurt and so confused. Has anyone out there experienced similar situations?

Thank you!

Well you broke up with him so it sounds like he went immediately into no contact mode. You really only have 2 choices, either apologize for breaking up with him and tell him you want him back OR let him go and leave him alone. The rest of the dreams and aches and all that is normal after a split and will stop in time. Good luck.

I called off my engagement. So terribly sad. Did I make a mistake?

Absolutely not. You made the only choice a sane person who doesn't want to marry someone, get cheated on or worse, live with a potential alcoholic and end up in ruins credit-wise and in divorce with family members making even more trouble could do--you walked. This guy was never going to be faithful to you and you know it. If you want a happy, fulfilling relationship filled with trust and loyalty then this guy isn't it. And he lets his sisters control his life, likely because that way he doesn't have to take any responsibility for any of things he does.

This guy was no more ready for marriage than the man in the moon. It would have been a terrible mistake to marry him as it was to stay with him as long as you did. If he ever indeed did marry you and didn't keep switching the dates on you.

I know all breakups are hard and the love doesn't die out as quickly as the brain sometimes shouts "Get out of this now, now, now." You need to allow yourself to go through the grieving process, to allow yourself time and distance from him via NC to really begin to see the relationship not through rose-colored glasses of emotion, but in the cold light of day as it really was. What you describe is something toxic. You would have been miserable, you already were miserable, it's why you broke up.

Now is the time to gather your friends and family, to go NC, to focus on your own well-being, to journal everything out, look at all the missteps and missed red flags in a new light and proceed forward. But did you do the right thing in breaking up with him. Absolutely yes, anything else is what would have been a giant mistake. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but soon enough you'll look back and be glad you saved yourself a ton of grief and a divorce or years wasted on empty promises of a marriage that never materialized.

And yes, I loved an addict once with all my heart. I told him the drugs and the booze had to go or I would walk. He refused to get clean, I walked away. It took me time to recover, but recover I did. I'm married to a great guy now and it's everything I'd ever hoped the relationship with the ex addict would be, but never was and never would be. So yes, you can survive the heartache and you will recover. Just give yourself time, lots of TLC and let your friends and family comfort you. They aren't wrong, he doesn't want to change so anything you said of did was never going to make a difference.

His drinking was out of control, he would get super mean when he drank and come back the next day apologizing and begging me to not leave him. He is also super controlled by his family

Yep, instant deal breakers that do not make him marriage material.

He went onto say that he felt too rushed, his other sister would be having a baby that month, he wanted to be financially stable, etc. etc.

Great, she's planning to have a baby. But life isn't going to stop for her pregnancy. I would still carry on with my wedding plans regardless- if she comes great... And if she doesn't then that's her choice. She should NOT be dictating to your FI when to get married, and you guys should not be dictating to her on when she plans to have a baby. It would seriously rub me the wrong way if I were you. As for financial reasons... That's why you guys pushed the date back.

None of his reasons make ANY sense here and if he can't stand up to his family... Why marry him?

He didn't show up on my birthday night and we exchanged the fewest amount of texts ever in our entire relationship.

If your relationship is based on number of texts... You're gonna have a really bad time. Pick up the phone and call him. No wonder you guys have communication issues prior to breaking up.

I only said we should call off the engagement until we can get our relationship to a healthy level

To be honest, you don't call off an engagement and stay together. It doesn't work that way and it's a relationship ending move. If you have multiple problems within your relationship to make that call, you guys might as well go on your separate ways because you can't accept each other. You can't expect someone to change by hanging marriage over their heads. If I were a guy, I would be like "Then F you B" and would not hesitate to walk out of the relationship. It says that you just don't ACCEPT him the way he is and that YOU are trying to change him right before getting married (and honestly, that freaks men out). So really, how can you blame him.

This guy isn't right your you. You deserve so much better.

Focus on the addiction, family, emotional abuse and immaturity. Too many deal breakers, here!

Good that you got out!

Stay away from alcoholic.

His drinking was out of control, he would get super mean when he drank

This is the dealbreaker that makes all else irrelevant. The guy could have the sweetest family in the world--doesn't matter. If he drinks and turns nasty, THAT will not improve, it will only get worse until someone gets harmed.

You dodged a bullet.

Head high.

Thank you It's very reassuring to hear I made the right choice. Because I'm only remembering the good stuff right now and it's making me think I made a mistake.

Yes, you made the right choice!

I understand your feeling, I am thinking the good things about him too, and I just come here to read people's advise again. Stick to your gun, you will get over it.

My mom has told me that my father was the guy who came along after she had all but given up on finding real love. He was everything she wanted in a partner. He was intelligent, witty, a musician (as was she), and well-read. He was also an alcoholic who never went a day without criticizing her after they were married. She loved him so much that she remarried... him, only to have that end in divorce as well. At the root of it all was his drinking and the person he became because of it.

You can feel like you've met your perfect match, but an addiction will cannibalize even the most beautiful union.