Commitment phobe or just not that into me?

Hi all,

I’ve been browsing these forums for a couple of days now – you all have some fantastic advice and your words really inspire me, so I just wanted to share my story and get your advice and support. The hurt is just unbearable.

My boyfriend of just under 1 year split up with me on the weekend. Absolutely no warning and completely out of the blue. We’re both 26.

Things were fantastic with us. He was the one who drove the relationship to where it is today, I always felt safe and secure with this man and knew he would never hurt me. We were very much in love. Throughout he has always ‘set the tone’ of the relationship – he was the first one to tell me he loves me, he was the one who was keen to make future plans and he invited me to away with him and his parents next month, because he was really keen for me to meet them – they live abroad.

Throughout all of this, I’ve been the one who has been cautious, and kept my guard a little high, to save getting hurt. In the last couple of months however I completely fell for him and was excited to make all these amazing plans with him too.

However, a week ago, out of the blue, he suddenly freaked out. I had received a ‘Save the Date’ for a wedding next year - his name was also on the invitation. In the last couple of weeks/days I also started talking about other plans we had made for the summer – a group holiday we were hoping to plan (which he was very keen for) amongst other, smaller things. To my complete surprise, he started talking about how making these future plans scared him. One thing led to another and we ended up completely breaking up.

He claimed that in the last couple of weeks he’d had a few niggling doubts, and that all these ‘plans’ just freaked him out – even though he arranged them in the first place. He said he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. He couldn’t go through with me meeting his parents next month if he wasn’t 100% sure about this anymore. He said in the last couple of weeks he’d been a little distant with me – but I hadn’t noticed anything at all. He was still loving and affectionate and making plans with me constantly.

This is the longest relationship he has ever had and the only time he has ever been in love. However a previous girlfriend threatened suicide when they broke up many years ago and that has affected him – if he has any doubts now he sees no other alternative but to ‘end it’ because he’d be scared of hurting me further down the line.

He stated that he is just not in a happy place right now generally and that his priorities have changed. He is ‘too reliant’ on me and it stops him from getting his social life in order, which I’ve known has been stressing him out for a while. He needs to get that happiness back in himself before he can be with anyone. It scares him how I’m lower down his priority list at the moment, and that gives him doubts about our relationship. However I must point out we are not a couple who are together constantly, by any means. I have a very close group of friends and we had a very balanced relationship. However knowing I was “there” in the wings didn’t motivate him to get out and socialise and build the foundations for some solid friendships (he has a big circle of friends, but not a close group).

Now our relationship has been amazing throughout and just 3 weeks ago he was still telling me that he loves me. However approximately 3 weeks ago he also bought up a conversation about how ‘I’m not affectionate’ enough with him, and am I really into this? He has always been fairly ‘needy’, for want of a better word, but I’m not good with communication and as this felt like an ‘attack’ I just got really upset. We talked it through and it was ok – but I was upset because he felt I didn’t initiate sex enough and we didn’t have that ‘raw passion’. However he did say that our sex life was great – there wasn’t an issue there. It was more about him feeling wanted. The conversation ended and he said he was glad he discussed it and we got everything out in the open – and that he loved me and not to worry. I vowed to work on this, which I did. Naturally I think I just like the lead to be taken by the guy in relationships – I’ve never had a conversation like this with any boyfriend before – it has never cropped up as an issue.

I’m now eating myself up inside, that this is my fault – and that my lack of body confidence/not initiating things and consequently the fact he perceives that I don’t desire him has made him fall out of love with me. However he didn’t even give me the opportunity to change things since our conversation about this. Ironically since the break-up, my lost appetite and obsession with exercise means I am now far more body confident and have had a bit of an epiphany about it. All I want to do now is show him physically how much I want him.

Friends tell me this isn’t a reason to break up with someone – not at least without trying to amend things first. However I just can’t get it out of my head that

I ‘pushed him away’ and that I am to blame in all of this… ‘if only’ this and ‘if only’ that. I know these thoughts aren’t healthy but I am tearing myself up inside.

I was extremely upset and in floods of tears when it happened and tried to stop him going ahead with the break up but at no point begged or pleaded. He left it by saying he wants to talk to me, he wants to meet at some point for a coffee to see how I’m doing (patronising). He then text me in the evening to tell me he knows he can’t be the one to help me through this but he’s devastated seeing how much he’s hurt me, and that he’s so so sorry. I didn’t reply and it has since been 5 days of NC.

I just don’t know where to go from here. On one hand I’m trying to keep the NC to help myself heal, but I also want some answers about why he had doubts and if the ‘affection’ issue was anything to do with it. I’ve made this into a HUGE deal in my head and have a mental list of a million things I wish I’d done in the relationship to show this love and affection, but I don’t even know if I really was doing anything ‘wrong’ or if this is the reason for this breakup.

I just need to know. If it ISN’T this, and it’s ‘all his issues’ (which is what he told me) – that would at least stop me blaming myself. By completely going NC on him also I don’t want him to think I don’t care – that might just validate his reasons for breaking up with me, if the “lack of affection” was something to do with it.

I just don’t know how to move forward from here, I guess I’m just looking for support. Can anyone make sense of this? Is he a commitment-phobe or just not that into me? Do I meet him to try and get answers, and hence closure, or continue NC? I hate to say it but deep down I hope there is a chance of reconciliation one day.

This isn't your fault....his issues, as he stated them, are the reasons. And future commitments...the wedding and meeting his parents and even a holiday...u derscore "a Couple" to him and he just isn't feeling it.

Though it is hard to see now...he is doing you a favor. You want a part er who is fully invested a d not just going through the motions.

You mentioned that he has set the tone for the relationship, perhaps because you are now comfortable with him and have started to kind of take the reigns a little bit he feels like he isn't in control anymore. Some people feel the need to control everything, not necessarily in a dominant or deceiving way; but just as a coping mechanism. It is just a way they deal with things. If they lose that control it can cause anxiety amongst other things and cause them to rethink everything. There is so much more I could say regarding your situation but I think at this point one of two options would be best. Either continue the no contact and let him come to you. He might surprise you and say now that he has had time to think he realizes what the real issues were and wants you in his life. Or you might never hear from him again. Second option, send him a short and to the point text telling him that you love him and care about him and that you'll be there to talk if he would like to... the tricky part is to not wait around for him to text or call cuz you will drive yourself crazy. It could be a day it could be six months from now. It doesn't mean you put your life on hold and not date other people for the small chance he might come back

.. if in six months he texts you and wants to get back together you evaluate the situation then, bit again don't put your life on hold.

I think he just wanted to date and not have a serious relationship. So your goals were different. When it came right down to the trappings of a serious relationship (lots of future talk, meeting his parents, going to weddings together) he balked and ran, because he knew that after a year together your expectations for moving to the next stage were there, and he was just not interested in that. It sounds like he had a point in time where he asked himeself, do I really want to take it to the next level (at which point he looked at you a bit crticially) and then he decided, nope, this 'serious relationship guy' is not me after all, i don't want to be in a serious relationship.

So your goals were just different. He sounds like a sequential dater, where he just wants a string of GFs and to not get really serious with any of him. This was his pattern in the past, and apparently is still his pattern since he was only with you for one year. So I'd let him go rather than trying to reel him in. He's just not interested in the same end goal you are.

I just need to know. If it ISN’T this, and it’s ‘all his issues’ (which is what he told me) – that would at least stop me blaming myself. By completely going NC on him also I don’t want him to think I don’t care – that might just validate his reasons for breaking up with me, if the “lack of affection” was something to do with it.

Stick with the NC, it's your percentage play. It gives him the opportunity to settle into sentimentality in his own time and way. Anything you do to will stir up more guilt, and that's the stuff that needs to fall away before he can view you and his memories through a more favorable lens.

While none of this negates the desire he voiced for affection and more sexual interest from you, that was only something he raised recently after no earlier complaints. So while it's something I might consider for future use, it's not something I'd beat myself up about or tag as the thing that unravelled him.

Someone mentioned loss of control, and it's a good point. He thrived while he was the relationship driver, but once he arranged the visit with his parents, the summer trip and then a wedding rolled in from your side, it started to occur to him that this thing was rolling on forward regardless of how well he could steer it--so he put on the brakes.

I'm not one to lean full boar into slamming shut all hope after a breakup. I've used hope as a carrot for moving myself to higher ground with the idea that if ex ever wants to step up to meet me there, I'll need to get to that place on my own first.

Meaning: I can't expect ex to counsel me through my hurt if I'd prefer for him to retain enough respect for me to reconcile someday. So meeting to rehash the breakup would be OUT. Sending him any kind of miss-you message or questions or anything of the sort would be something I'd skip as well.

I'd rather surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from this. Even if that means faking until I make it.

Grief is natural, and I'd privately lean into that, but I'd avoid ripping myself up in the process. If ex and you are a meant to be deal, I'd allow life to teach me that, and I'd consider any shortcomings of my own as human and something that someone who loves me would decide are worth dealing with along with their own. I'd liberate myself from the idea that there's anything I can 'do' to get him back, other than to build my own life with pride.

Head high.

I personally don't believe that anyone is a commitment-phobe. I think it's what we tell ourselves when the other alternative is too painful.

I also think that events like weddings, meeting parents, etc., will force someone to look at the relationship with eyes open. For whatever reason, something didn't feel right to him.

What you have to remember is that it's about the relationship, not about *you*. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that you did something wrong. It means that the situation wasn't right for him. I know it's difficult, but you deserve someone to be as into you as you are into him.

Thank you all so much for your replies and insights. I really needed to hear this and you have all helped in some way or another.

I think I agree with both of these points. This loss of control over the relationship has seemingly freaked him out and made him re-evaluate whether this is what he wants. I do feel that in the last month or two I've really begun to open myself up to him and let my guard completely down. It is worth mentioning that we did go away on a city break early in the year though - so making plans together wasn't a 'new concept'. That having been said, it was only planned a month in advance.

I'm really trying my best not to beat myself up and blame myself here but these negative, toxic thoughts unfortunately keep seeping into my head like fungi, however hard I try to keep them out. With regard to the 'lack of affection/sexual interest', I remember he did bring it up on ONE other occasion, about 5 weeks previous, when we were drunk and had been out with a big group of about 12 of his friends. He complained when we got home that he didn't feel I was affectionate enough with him that evening in public. I couldn't understand this - we were out in a big group, we had a fun night, I had made a HUGE effort with his friends the whole day/evening, most of whom I hadn't met previously, and I'm just not big into PDA. It was one comment - I reassured him and we moved on from it quickly. However as I write this I realise how ridiculous this all sounds - I'd like to think I'm a stable person and these sound like the sort of issues that would crop up in a teenage relationship - not between two adults. At the time I thought he was just being petty and was surprised he'd bring something up so silly, but now I'm worried these were deeper routed issues and I cannot stop tormenting myself over this behaviour. I've never been in a relationship with a man who has these sorts of insecurities and it's just making me doubt myself and my personality. Was I 'closed off' without realising? Am I physically 'cold'? I hate that he has made me feel this way.

It has been 9 days now with NC. Really struggling - starting to feel absolute hopelessness now as it sinks in and I realise he isn't coming back (or at least not before it's too late). This is mixed with feelings of anger, that he didn't respect our relationship enough to tell me how he was feeling and let me rectify it. We had a deep emotional connection and I am just missing him like crazy.

Hopefully time will heal.

This is a lovely sentiment. Thank you again for all of your input and support.

I think you should stick with at least 30 days of NC, minimum. We can only speculate what's going on in his mind, but know this -- this is more about his issues rather than anything you could have done differently. He clearly lacks a certain maturity that is necessary to go into a healthy, committed relationship. He should have communicated and addressed any concerns along the way instead of waiting until the last minute to express total dismay and abandon you. You deserve more respect than that, as you given your time and your heart to the relationship. If there truly are issues, a partner will come to you to work through them, not just criticize you and dump you instantly. Issues crop up all the time in relationships and it doesn't sound like he has the maturity just yet to be there for someone and work through them. The 30 days NC will be just as good for him as it will be for you. He needs to experience the loss of you and what that entails. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have been through a very similar experience at the age of 41 and it doesn't make it any easier having a bit of age on my side. Hugs to you! You will get through this...

Yes, I think he is a commitmentphobe - I have been through similar, and I let myself get roped back in - he would miss me when he didn't see me. Over a period of time, people like this have the potential to do your head in. Stick with NC and save your live for a person who can give their live more freely. All the best.