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Struggling to move on and understand what happened and why


lara1235

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We are seniors in college and graduate in 4 weeks. We dated 6 months. We started out really happy though he was worried because it's senior year, he had 2 relationships in college that didn't work out. He was worried because he has anxiety and depression and has this thing where he wants to make people happy to his own detriment, or that's what he claimed.

 

We were happy through our spring break trip together, though he is pretty critical - he's a neat freak and would call me dirty or disgusting sometimes even though I'm pretty organized. He also locked me out of his room one time because he didn't like something I said. However, he was also really caring, wouldn't have sex with me once when he thought I was too drunk, told me how much he cared about me and wanted me to be happy and be able to tell him everything I was upset about, planned stuff to do together, etc.

 

At the beginning of APril, he told me he doesn't see this being long term and that when he goes out he looks at other girls and feels like he's single but still dating someone but doesn't want an open relationship because those hurt people. I agreed in the sense that I'm religious and he's not and he was annoying me during our trip because I noticed at this point that he spends all his free time watching tv (including while at school) and we weren't having the deep conversations I wanted to have.

 

HE later apologized for hurting my feelings and that it made things weird between us and spent two weeks telling me how much I meant to him and how much he cared about me, wanted to spend time with me, was happy being with me, etc.

 

But then he got sick with a cold/fever for like 2 weeks and kept complaining about being sick, wanting me to take care of him, asking me to bring stuff over, being depressed, refused o go to the doctor, skipped classes, etc. I was studying for the MCAT and felt really burdened and like I didn't really even have a boyfriend anymore. He kept apologizing for his issues, for being sick, thanking me for taking care of him. I remember him saying "I like you more because you take care of me," which was obviously a bad reason and I fel like he wanted a mother.

 

He got better, but he snapped at me for not understanding something he said right away on the Monday when he started feeling better since he had misexplained something and said "God, it's so hard tp explain things to you!" He later apologized for projecting his feelings onto me. We were hapy for another couple of days. Then we went to his friend's birthday party. He drank too much and spent a lot of time with me but also kept touching another girl's back. He said she was cute when we left, and when we were going home (he was kind of drunk and zig zagging), he blamed me for not looking out for him, for letting him drink too much, said I was bad at taking care of people, told me to shut up.

He didn't really apologize other than thanking me for not slapping him for being rude, and when I tried to talk to him about it the next day he apologized but then blamed me for it, saying he was upset because I had supposedly "encouraged him to drink" to compensate for my not drinking. That wasn't true at all, ane he was blaming me for his actions. He also interrogated me about how i got back from my friend's house that night, where I stopped on the way, why, etc.

 

I was gone the whole weekend (this happened a Friday night) so we didn't get to spend any time together. I had a bad week the following week because I had my period, midterms, lots of work, was worried about recommendation letters, etc. So I was coming over to his place pretty late (11:30) to sleep. I kind of joked around and laughed with him before bed just to get some relief from the stress.

I didn't let him know i was stressed because he had said before things like "We can't both be sad," or told me it upset him that I was worried about getting into med school when I do so much volunteering and he doesn't do as much. He has a low GPA and he's worried about finding jobs, still doesn't have one. He also started making fun for me for not knowing a medical abbreviation and stuff like that during this week. But he was also rolling oer in the night and really tenderly touching me and I was confused.

 

On Thursday he wanted to get dinner but I couldn't make it since he asked at like 5. Thursday night we were laying in bed and he asked to get dinner Friday. When we got dinner Friday, he told me he didn't think he could be in this relationship anymore, we weren't growing together, the religion thing (I'm religious and he doesn't really think deeply about it), this relationship was stressing him out a lot (he had been saying he wasn't doing well that week, bit his nails way down... actually he usually said he wasn't doing well througout our relationship because he has a bunch of issues IMO) and that was it. He told me to let him know if I wanted to talk.

 

I haven't reached out to talk, I've noticed from his online activity he's online kind of randomly throughout the night. What I"m curious about too is he used to rarely post snap stories but he's posted two since we've broken up that I haven't clicked on/ "viewed" but I could tell was him taking a walk around campus and another was a video game. Is he maybe reaching out for my attention? (or attention in general, he doesn't have many friends here). He also has issues trusting people but told me he trusts me.

 

I'm still struggling to make sense of this. On one hand, I agree with him that we're not long term compatible. On the other, I'm realizing how poorly he was treating me and how he seemed like he wanted other girls, and I don't know what to make of that or whether to label him as abusive or whether he was just frustrated with me and taking his frustrations out because he didn't want to be with me. I always thought he end of our relationship would be a discussion and instead he just did this. I'm not sure if it has to do with his control issues or him being kinda depressed and erratic or what. It's also sad that HE broke up with ME after he was being kind of mean and I didn't stand up for myself and I took care of him for a while when he was sick and clingy and whiny.

 

I keep feeling like I could have been more honest about my feelings or done something differently. I also keep wondering what he's doing, whether he feels freed, wants to enjoy the single life, stuff like that. I know we weren't compatible but we didn't even talk about it and he made a snap decision when we were both stressed (which I guess was easier to cut it off then and he felt in control). Can someone please just help me understand and process this better?

 

I also found him on Tinder this morning and he became fb friends with a pretty girl last night which sucks.

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He's an abusive, self involved brat. Other than that, I'm sure he was fabulous.

 

It shouldn't take you long to recognize that you've dodged a bullet and you're far better off without him.

 

If it does take you long to recognize that, I'd suggest therapy. Your bar is too low.

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Wow, be glad you are free of this mess of a person. The best thing you can do is block and unfriend him, remove all connections through social media so you don't torture yourself stalking him digitally.

 

I understand it hurts and part of it is your ego saying "!? That guy dumped me, I should have been the one doing the dumping for all the crap I put up with" It stings and it's a blow to your self esteem.

 

But really you've been accepting scraps all this time. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.

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Wow, be glad you are free of this mess of a person. The best thing you can do is block and unfriend him, remove all connections through social media so you don't torture yourself stalking him digitally.

 

I understand it hurts and part of it is your ego saying "!? That guy dumped me, I should have been the one doing the dumping for all the crap I put up with" It stings and it's a blow to your self esteem.

 

But really you've been accepting scraps all this time. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you.

 

Thanks for answering. I don't know if you have any advice for this situation, but I guess like the fact that I thought it was something more while really he was stringing me along until he felt better is really painful to me. I remind myself that he's not in the place for a relationship and he would treat anyone like that and this is about him and his issues not me, he can't have a healthy relationship, etc. but I still just keep missing him desperately and wishing he missed me the same.

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You miss the good things about him, you didn't want the relationship to end. It's natural to be grieving now. Keep doing what you're doing, reminding yourself of his treatment overall and how that is no way to be living. Do whatever you have to do to stay away from him- take up a new hobby, reconnect with friends, make new friends. You have a void that he's left and it will take time for that to heal.

 

But stay away from him. Make a commitment to yourself to go strict no contact. Don't check up on him. Don't moon about on his periphery hoping he'll suddenly realize he's let a really good thing go and come crawling back. Remind yourself you are much better off without him.

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You miss the good things about him, you didn't want the relationship to end. It's natural to be grieving now. Keep doing what you're doing, reminding yourself of his treatment overall and how that is no way to be living. Do whatever you have to do to stay away from him- take up a new hobby, reconnect with friends, make new friends. You have a void that he's left and it will take time for that to heal.

 

But stay away from him. Make a commitment to yourself to go strict no contact. Don't check up on him. Don't moon about on his periphery hoping he'll suddenly realize he's let a really good thing go and come crawling back. Remind yourself you are much better off without him.

 

Thanks so much for responding and listening. I do miss the good things about him, I think I was also kind of looking for his approval and there was a power imbalance in the relationship since I was trying to support him and he probably knew I wouldn't break up with him.

 

I also just miss what we /were/. I'm looking through old messages and even like a couple week ago he was telling me I made him happy, asking me to come over, etc. and this was all so sudden. I feel so bad wondering for how muhc of that time he was working up the courage to dump me. We have a festival at our school next week and before when I had mentioned what I'd be doing, he corrected my "I" to 'we." And now he's just gone.

 

I will stay away, and I haven't contacted him since the breakup but do you think he'll ever regret this or say anything to me? His decision just seems a bit erratic and based on his online activity he doesn't seem to be sleeping much.

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That's one of the worst parts of being the one who was left. You feel somehow invalidated and judged not good enough. Wondering if they'll ever regret it. Sometimes you will never know and you have to learn that it's OK and it doesn't really matter. I know - I married an incompatible man. Years of eggshells and twisting myself into knots trying to please him. In the final year he. treated me horribly after having our baby. He left when she was 5 months. I still miss the good bits. I remind myself I will never get the validation from him I want.

 

Try not to torture yourself trying to get into his head. He has removed himself from the equation. Concentrate on you and making yourself happy and whole.

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Thank you so much again. I'm also wondering one more thing but if you don't have a chance to answer it that's totally okay, I've really appreciated your help. I just wonder if the breakup was a reaction to the stress of the week since I was coming over late and we were both having trouble sleeping and stuff and weren't talking much. It makes me really sad to think about that week and how we'd go to dinner and wouldn't talk much, and how he was really down and texting me about how he was stressed, we weren't having sex (he wasn't initiating anything) etc.

 

But he'd still ask me to come over and just sleep and cuddle every night. Like we're both going through a stressful time and I just wonder if I had pointed that out when we were breaking up - instead I just agreed with him that it was sad that this went in this direction, that we weren't growing together, that I'd still miss him. I was very accepting and told him it seemed to me like he was acknowledging thoughts I had in the back of my head but wasn't accepting. I just wonder if I fought more for the relationship to talk it over ora nything it would have been different, but it didn't seem like there was hope for that when he started off with "I don't think I can be in this relationship anymore."

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Hi guys,

 

I'm really sorry to post again but he just messaged me saying 'hi.' I've been feeling good today about moving on and realizing I deserve better. Should I respond, or should I ignore it? I don't know what kind of conversation he wants to start or if he regrets it or what.

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Hi guys,

 

I'm really sorry to post again but he just messaged me saying 'hi.' I've been feeling good today about moving on and realizing I deserve better. Should I respond, or should I ignore it? I don't know what kind of conversation he wants to start or if he regrets it or what.

 

Don't allow him to toy with you any more. Don't respond.

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