Girlfriend Gets Mad At Me For Working on Music

Im 19 years old, and I've been with the same girl for over two years now. Let me try to start off by introducing myself and my history:

This is my first girlfriend. When I was 13, my older sister passed away and I went through a few good years of depression and feeling completely alone. So as you could imagine, when I was 17 and had finally found somebody that liked me, I was very excited... Things were good for the first year, but now they're starting to get a bit distorted. I'm an aspiring musician/producer. My whole life I've always been a smart kid.. high school was interesting as I would never show up and yet pass all the tests lol. But anyways, I want to be an amazing musician. I know that if I truly devote myself to this goal, I could very well achieve it(Not to be dramatic), but this requires me to spend a load of time studying, practicing, and working. Which is fine. Because for once, I'm truly happy and feel like I have a purpose in life.

So here's where the problem comes in. My girlfriend is under the impression that by pursuing music, I'm taking time away from her and our relationship. This really sucks. I work 40 hours a week, and see my girlfriend probably 3-4 times throughout the week. Every day that I come from work I would LOVE to work on music, but instead it becomes this awkward battle in which my girlfriend makes me feel bad for not being with her. It gets to the point where I either hang out with her, or I end up feeling terrible and dont really feel like working on the music anyways. Another thing she doesn't understand is that I'm still a very depressed and lonely kid. Yes, I may have a companion, somebody that likes me and wants to spend time with me, but that doesn't quite fill the void that losing a family member creates. My point is that when I'm writing music, I'm truly happy. For the first time in ing years. I just find it hard to believe that somebody who truly "loves" me would try and take that away from me. Yesterday we got in a big fight, and she finally asked the ultimate question:

Do you love music more than you love me?

We got in a fight over this, and I refused to answer because it's a completely unfair question. I don't know what to think at the moment... I know that if it comes down to it I obviously have to pick music. I just don't want to hurt her feelings at all and I do still love her. But if she continues with this attitude I doubt we'll last too long, and that scares me. I don't know if I'm just being dramatic because it's my first relationship, I'm just trying to figure this all out and what would be best for both of us. If anyone has some advice or an opinion about this I would seriously appreciate it

Thank you for reading

You aren't being dramatic. Music is a big part of you and your happiness. Which means she is not accepting you for who you are. I think she wants a full time bf...and that is very unrealistic. She should be an addition to your world...not try to be your world.

Perhaps you have outgrown her. There will be girls that are very supportive of your music and your dreams....not trying to detract from them.

If you truly want to be a professional musician, devoting a lot of time to that is a reasonable thing to do. Especially at a young age. If your girlfriend thinks of it as a choice between her and that goal, the answer is clear.

So let's say you stop spending so much time preparing yourself to be a musician and spend all your time with her. Two things could happen. She gets bored with you and you don't reach your goal. What will you do when she says you are hanging out too much with her? And you are no closer to achieving your dreams?

She is not a bad person for wanting more of your time. You are not a bad person for being devoted to your art. It may be that the two of you cannot compromise on this.

But you ought to sit her down and tell her of your dreams and how much dedication it takes to get there. Can you set up a calendar of when you need to be working on music and stick to that? Maybe if she knows when she has you would help?

I'm generally in agreement with MHowe on this one. Many people want a full-time partner and that's OK as long as they find someone who also wants one.

I would suggest that you draw up demarcation lines with her so that you work on your music at certain times of the week and see her on others. For example, you could have 2 hrs a week after work for music and 4 hrs a day at weekends.

If you can't come to an agreement that you can both live with, it's time to say goodbye.

Good luck.

Wow. Thank you for all the quick responses. I really appreciate the advice. Trying to figure out how to discuss this whole thing with my girlfriend without setting her off. The way I look at it now is, if she's going to flip out it's not because of me. That's on her. I just obviously don't wanna throw away the first serious relationship I've ever had, even if that's over-dramatizing it. I just wish we could see eye to eye on the subject.

Again, thank you to everyone.

It might help if, when you talk to her, you say something like, "I want to respect the way you feel, because I love you and I want to make this work", from the outset of the conversation. Make it clear to her that she is still a priority and you do still care about her. That might go a long way toward getting her to meet you halfway on this. She fears that you will change and outgrow her, and she is afraid of you pulling away because she loves you. Try to address those fears, it might help.

People who have found a passion can understand exactly how you feel. If GF has no interests that absorb her, then she's forming a bottomless pit that even you can't fill.

I'd incorporate Spotti's suggestion to discuss how much you love and care about GF, and that's why you want to encourage her to learn how fantastic it feels to be absorbed by something that feels like play. Ask her how you can best help her to explore new interests and hobbies that she might find fun.

Give GF time to let this idea settle in. See if she turns up anything.

If GF turns into a dour one-note, and that one-note is you, then you're not 'wrong' for feeling suffocated by that, and you may need to consider that this relationship has run it's course.

Someone who holds you back from pursuing your passion is not about 'love,' that's dependency--and it's not healthy for either of you.

I'm expert on this one. Faced that many times. There are more diplomatic answers suggested above, however the one I always give is "Yes, I do love music more than you. It was there for me before you and it'll be there for me after you're long gone." They never ask again. Beware also the jealousy fits and guilt trips if you start gigging or touring.

I can only speak from a male perspective... being busy with various things, and having friends that are the same, it seems that women are attracted by these traits and brag to their friends that they've bagged a musician, athlete, businessman, etc., but as soon as they've got their hooks in you then they want you to give it all up to sit around with them and watch tv or something. Maybe some men pull the same thing on women, but I've never heard of it.

I tend to find women who don't hassle me - they realize time apart doing positive things is healthy for a relationship and they use that time to do their own positive things. The trick is to establish from the get-go what you're about and don't give in to the temptation of pouring all your time and energy into the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship then later back off to do the things you've been neglecting. Be consistent in your lifestyle, maintain your friendships, and avoid anyone that hassles you.

If your current situation is going to last, basically you're going to have to work out a schedule that feels good for both of you - not one that appeases her, but one that makes you feel at peace with the time you spend on you and your passion and with the time you spend with your gf, and it might need some adjustment and flexibility over time. Be careful however of giving an inch then she demands a mile, then another mile.

If you're on eggshells, which you seem to be as you fear "setting her off", go to a counsellor together and have some resources recommended that will help you both communicate better about all things and... I don't like the word "compromise" as it sounds like both sides lose... find a mutual and individual "balance".

Kudos for being so self-aware and focused at your age! You'll need to find a woman that has the same good traits and her own passion, so she can respect you and yours.

You say you are "still a lonely kid" - well, logic would state that spending more time with another person would help that. But have you been to grief counseling or any kind of counseling? Also, as far as music, could you agree to spend a certain amount of time of night after work on music, and a certain time on her and other family relationships (getting dinner with family or her, then doing the music thing the rest of the night to create some balance).

Also, is your "doing music" a lot something that is paying off? Are you practicing an instrument that will get you an extra college scholarship that will open a door for you? Are you working with the right mentors that are pointing you the way - not just sitting at home practicing to be a rock star someday, but are you taking the right opportunities to get yourself maybe teaching music as your 40 hour a week job so you feel nourished and open for other relationships while you work towards your big break in music - or having the connections to introduce you to the right people to get to be a substitute performer for the symphony as a stepping stone, or to play in with a rock band, if that's your style of music, that is professional, etc?

What I mean is - being a professional musician is a pipe dream for many, even if you are really good ( - how are you spending your time solitary and alone putting yourself in a direction where at 40 you won't be a lonely guy never married who "works on music" 8 hours a night after work, to someone who has a viable career AND nurturing relationships whether its with this girl or someone else?

I am at that age and have had a career in the performing arts and have seen people take off, and some people continue to be that lonely kid at 40 devoting a lot of time to music and broke or working a day job that is unfulfilling and still hoping for a break. So yeah, she needs to understand how important it is to you, but its not unreasonable in a relationship to see eachother for at least a short time each day either - or to at least have a partner who you share your breakthroughs with instead of closing yourself off as well.

Sometimes I regret giving up a hobby. True, it was never going to be a moneyspinner, even though I wrote for magazines about it. When I met my wife, I did it less but could no longer do enough to remain an "authority" on the subject.

I now have another hobby that I write about. I don't make a lot from it but it has sometimes turned up a bit of extra money at critical times. I've had to cut down on writing and the hobby for family reasons. Sure, it causes tension at times but there's lots of clichés about "golf widows", etc.

It's about balance and that's a hard thing to achieve in life and I've rarely been in a situation where my life is balanced.