Been 6 months since my last post, but I still can't pull the trigger.

Hello all,

I made the below post last Fall. Long story short - my gf of 2+ years is a single mom. We're in an almost- live-in situation. I've tried to adjust to her son, but he annoys and frustrates me, and I find myself feeling resentful/angry toward him most of the time. Also, my physical attraction to her is all but extinguished. Every night I go to sleep, knowing she feels deeply hurt because I don't want to have sex with her, and it eats me up - I do care for her, but if the attraction's gone, it's gone, and I can't force myself to want to engage in anything sexual with her. Meanwhile, I fantasize about having sex with other girls constantly.

I know it has to end, but, though I think she knows deep down as well, she keeps trying to pretend everything's going to be ok and that we're just going through a 'rough patch.' Well, that 'rough patch' has lasted about half of our relationship. I know it has to be me that ends it, but the thought of doing it, of hurting her that deeply, makes me ill. I just don't know how to do this. If you have the time, please read through the below post, and if you have any constructive advice to offer, it would be deeply appreciated. Thanks!

Here's my situation. In the spring of 2012, I moved from Maryland to Boston to take a job. At the time, my grandfather, who'd helped raise me, was gravely ill. Three weeks after I moved, he passed away. I went home for the funeral, and after returning to Boston, I was a mess - grieving, lonely, desperately homesick. I tried to find a job in MD for months afterward so that I could return home. The job I had landed was stressful, and, combined with the stress of mourning, my anxiety levels were sky-high.

In the fall of that year, I re-connected with an old friend from my high school class - for the sake of anonymity, let's call her Megan. She had recently returned from living abroad for nearly five years. While she was abroad, she'd adopted an orphaned infant - we'll call him John. John, now five, and Megan were living with her parents in our old hometown in Maryland while she figured out what her next move was. While I was home for Thanksgiving, Megan and I got together for drinks. We had a good time, and so when she came to Boston a month later to visit a friend, we made plans to hang out again. This time, it was she and John, whom I hadn't spent much time with before. He was hyperactive, loud, whiny, constantly interrupting - in other words, he was behaving like a typical 5-year-old who's not used to competing for his mom's attention. Not having had a ton of experience with young 'uns, I took it in stride as best I could.

Megan then came to visit me for New Year's. She stayed for 3 or 4 days, and we had a great time. After that, a pattern was established - Megan would come to visit me once every 3 or 4 weeks, and stay for a few days to a week each time, leaving John at home with her parents. We enjoyed each other's company, and the fact that I'd known her growing up helped me feel more grounded and connected to home in the wake of my grandfather's passing. This setup worked for a while, but I began to have my doubts - she began to talk about moving to Boston. I knew this would mean that I would be spending a lot more time with John, which I wasn't sure I was ready for or even wanted. I let her know that I had doubts about her moving to Boston, that I didn't want to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood, that I didn't want to be spending all my free time doing 'family-friendly' activities. One of the primary reasons I moved here was to indulge in the cultural opportunities of living in a big city - concerts, dining out, art museums, etc. I didn't want to have to compromise my weekends for the sake of a kid. I told her that I was worried that, if it didn't work out, she would have moved 700 miles away from home for nothing.

Megan assured me that she understood my point of view, that she wasn't trying to pressure me into taking on fatherhood, and she convinced me to 'give it a shot.' She assured me that, if it didn't work out, she was a 'big girl' and could handle it. I acquiesced, but remained doubtful.

Megan and John moved up here in January. Since then, things have not improved on the John front. I find him intensely annoying. Every weekend, it ends up being the three of us hanging out, usually doing something outside (Megan and I love to hike). I spend most of the time feeling frustrated and angry. I do my best not to raise my voice with John, but he is VERY trying - constantly challenging everything Megan and I say, asking the same questions over and over (and OVER), constantly calling attention to himself. Every moment needs to be about him. Megan tries to keep the peace, but most of the time I end up disengaging - I avoid engaging John when I'm out with them or at their apartment. I know it's ty and juvenile, but I can't help it - at first, I tried to engage him, but his behavior frustrates me so much that I find myself ignoring him. Very often I feel the need to get away from the situation, but if I want to do something by myself after work or on the weekends, I feel super guilty about it.

The worst part of the situation is that I come from a broken home myself. My mom's been married four times (almost five - we lived with a guy she was engaged to for two years), and my dad wasn't around when I was young. I've seen my share of neglectful behavior from male role models, and it makes me feel awful that I'm exposing to John to some of that myself. I've tried to cultivate patience, to establish some sort of rapport between John and me, but it's not working. I find myself feeling incredibly resentful toward him, and I can't shake it.

I've been mulling over ending this relationship for months now, but the longer we're together, the more difficult it becomes. Megan has become close with my brother and sister-in-law, who also live up here, and I fear that if I ended things, it'd negatively impact my relationship with them. I think she has a pretty good idea of how I feel, but she puts on blinders and tries to put a positive spin on everything. Whenever I envision ending things, I'm filled with anxiety - her heart will be broken, and, though she has many friends who live all over the world, she doesn't really know many people in Boston (she 'un-schools' John and works from home, and so hasn't had much opportunity to form a solid social base). Almost all of the people she knows up here were my friends first. I feel like, without me, she'd be almost completely isolated up here. It devastates me just to think about it. I still love her, but I feel trapped and full of resentment and guilt.

Also, I know this is selfish and petty, but I'm afraid of the reaction this will garner among people both of us know (we have a lot of friends in common). I fear that I'll be seen as a noncommittal who lured a single mom all the way to Massachusetts, only to break her heart. I don't know how I'll handle the negativity that'll flow my way as a result of my ending things.

I haven't discussed this with anyone, and so I haven't been able to get any outside perspective on it. I'd welcome any and all feedback. Thanks in advance for taking the time!

You didn't lure her --- she bulldozed you.

Your brother isn't gonna give a rats butt if you break up with your gf.

It has been 7 months ---- she clearly has money from mommy and daddy or she wouldn't have been able to adopt....and she left MD at the drop of a hat.

Her life, her choice.

Put on your big boy pants and tell her you don't see this working out.

Would you want a woman to stay with you even though she had no interest in having sex with you, but went through the motions? She doesn't know it now, but will realize it later, that you're doing her a favor by breaking up with her. This will free her to find someone who will be crazy about her and meet all of her main needs. Of course you will sick breaking up. That's always a difficult task, but it's the right thing to do when you've outgrown the relationship. People survive breakups all the time, and then they heal over time. Rip the band-aid off and get it done already.

You hurt her more by staying with her. I think you are more concerned with not looking like a bad guy, than hurting her. That's terrible.

I do not understand why you even starting dating someone with a child, knowing how you how you feel about children in your life at this time. You should never have started dating. That's on you.

End it! Do the right thing.

I would not want a man in my life who did not like my child. That is a deal breaker and awful for the kid. Kids do ask questions over and over and need constant attention. PLEASE break up with her now so she can find someone who loves her and John and will want sex with her too. To me, you sound very selfish and immature. Also I would suggest that you do not ever date women with children at all.

No, it really is the thought of hurting her that's holding me back. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm gonna look bad - I can handle that. It's the thought of causing her such deep pain that I can't bear. I do love her, care about her, want the best for her, but the nature of that love has changed - the physical spark has died.

I knew in my heart I didn't want to deal with a kid, but allowed myself to be convinced. You're right - I should have listened to my heart in the beginning.

I'll fully admit that I'm both selfish and immature - I tried to stress both of those points to her when we first started dating, but she wanted to give it a shot all the same. You're right though - it's on me that I didn't speak up sooner, that I've let it linger this long.

I know it needs to end; I need to sit down with her and just do it. Maybe getting a kick in the pants from some strangers on the internet is what I need, which is why I'm back here.

Just DO IT today! Get it over with.

Better a short time of intense pain now than a lifetime of discontent and resentment. And this coming from someone who just got dumped from a 2.5 year relationship! In spite of the pain I am feeling now, on some level I remain confident this was the right thing for both of us. Like your gf, I knew I couldn't end things, in spite of the red flags. I am loyal to a fault. So I think one day I will thank my ex for doing the job I couldn't do.

Thanks, AmelieM - I appreciate your honesty and perspective, and I'm sorry to hear that you're currently in pain (even if you do recognize that it's ultimately the best thing for both of you). If you're amenable, would you be willing to offer any guidance or tips on ending things?

OK, the reality is you don't really love her the way you should someone you could take to the next step of engagement and marriage. You're not even interested in sex with her anymore. And you really really really don't like her kid. So she's really not suited to you as a future wife, and you definitely don't want her kid as your son. So it's all over but the shouting.

I know you're squeamish about this, but there is never an 'easy' way to break up. And i think she did manipulate you a bit by hot footing it from MD to MA and saying she would be fine whether you decided to stick with her or not. It does put an extra load of guilt on your shoulders because she moved, that you actually shouldn't feel because she's an adult and pressured you into the idea that you should get more serious than you were comfortable being.

So what you need to do is just stay true to yourself and tell her that it just isn't working out because that you don't feel strongly enough for her to take it further into marriage, and her son deserves to have a man who really enjoys him and wants to be his parent, which you just don't want to do and it wouldn't be fair to her son for you to marry if you really don't enjoy being around him or the idea of parenting him.

She probably won't like it, but you shouldn't marry someone out of guilt and martyr yourself for life just because she moved. She can move back. if you want to be really generous, you can offer to pick up the tab for the moving van back to MD if she decides she prefers to go back there after the breakup. Then there is no financial harm done, you gave it your best shot, and it is now time for you both to get on with your lives so you can both find someone better suited for yourselves.

Thanks, AmelieM - I appreciate your honesty and perspective, and I'm sorry to hear that you're currently in pain (even if you do recognize that it's ultimately the best thing for both of you). If you're amenable, would you be willing to offer any guidance or tips on ending things?

I know it will be hard, but be direct and be firm. Don't give any wiggle room, saying, "maybe one day we will be together" or "I'm not 100% sure". From what I've learned on these boards, one of the biggest barriers to people moving on is holding onto false hope. So even if it seems kinder at the time to leave the door a tiny bit open, it really isn't. You have to be willing to be the bad guy in this moment; it's ultimately in both of your best interest.

Give concrete reasons why the relationship isn't working for you; do not negotiate. Avoid saying anything cruel (for example, my ex told me he regrets getting back together. This hurt me. Even if it didn't work out, I believe we benefited from our experience together.). Tell her she and her son have wonderful qualities and you are certain they will find someone who values them, but you are not that person, and you are not interested in wasting her and your time preventing both of you from finding that right person. Again, be direct, be firm, be confident, and don't allow her emotions to drive you to give her false hope, because that will only hurt her more in the end.