Still Struggling a month on - Lost my best friend.

Hey,

I'm really struggling still after losing my best friend almost a month on, I can't stop replaying the last few months in my head & doing the "Coulda shoulda woulda" thing & it's driving me insane.

We were best friends for two solid years - We met when both of us were going through bad breakups & we became each others shoulders to lean on. I didn't feel a thing for her beyond friendship but we txt & saw each other every day (Worked together) Eventually all our friends kept trying to get us together but neither of us really felt it (We used to joke about it) & dated other people during this time - But the one constant in each others lives was each other. If anything went wrong in either of our lives, we had each other & it was awesome.

She went home to Canada last summer to visit family & we kept in touch. We were both single & I missed the hell out of her. When she returned we met up a few times & I started falling for her. She'd moved a bit further away from the city I live in & I realised that if I didn't act, I'd lose her one day. So I kissed her randomly at the train station when she was leaving & it confused both of us. A few weeks later we met up in London & the chemistry was obvious. A few drinks later & I go to kiss her again & she stopped me saying she needed time to settle in her new town & promised to think about us when she was ready.

I was a bit hurt, but understood. We carried on talking like normal, but I knew her ex had been txting her as well over the summer & she insisted she needed "answers" from him first before she could move on & start a new relationship with anyone.

I struggled like hell with this as I didn't understand why it mattered, he had no intention of seeing her & was stringing her along.

I waited as long as I could (two months!) & eventually said I couldn't wait for her to make a decision. But she'd pull me back in & say it wasn't fair of me to not let her make her own mind up. Eventually we completely fell out over it & she said she needed a lot of time to think. I gave this to her completely, not a peep.

A month or so later she gets back in touch saying she misses us, hates how it's all gone & understands if I don't want to talk to her. I left it a week but eventually did get in touch. I told her that I missed her but couldn't see her right now if she wanted to date other guys still. She said she didn't & wanted to fix us. Her ex had disappeared on her & she realised what a mistake she made. I fell for it totally.

Eventually we met up again & a day later she txt me saying she didn't feel the chemistry with me, she was going home to Canada in the summer for good, didn't want to date anyone but she wanted to be as close as we were before.

I stupidly gave in because I couldn't stand the thought of losing her again & if she was leaving in the summer I may as well get what I can from it.

A few weeks later she went distant on me & eventually admitted she was thinking of giving a guy a chance who she'd turned down numerous times over the last year. But still wanted to be really close to me. I was heartbroken & told her how awful that was, that she'd ruined "us" last year by being hung up on her ex. She was angry, saw no wrong with this & we broke up totally.

The worst part is, when we broke up she called & said "One day we'll talk again" & txt a few weeks later saying "I'm ok but struggling, I'll call you if I go home to Canada else at some other point"

Now I'm totally heartbroken - It's been a month since that & all I can think of is her with this other guy who's getting the emotional support I used to get & he's no doubt slept with her a few times. A guy she used to joke to me about & say she had no chemistry with. He does everything for her without question & never calls her out on anything. I blame myself for not being strong enough to wait for her longer last year & go slower as I did get a bit needy towards the end.

Her messages about getting touch again have left me totally confused. The friendship we had was awesome & I miss it like hell but I can't go back to it without a massive investment from her part. It makes absolutely no sense that I still "want" someone who hurt me so badly & hope she gets in touch. Her friend says she knows she's doing the wrong thing & has lost something special but she clearly doesn't want a relationship with me, so why do I still hope? Why would she say these things?

You got together at a time when you were both vulnerable and were each others support system. But now that she's healed she realized you just aren't a match. She wants friendship, you want a relationship. I know it sucks but you need to close the door on this and let her go. Staying in touch will just cause you pain.

This exact same thing happened to my buddy. They went back and forth for three years. But in the end she wanted friends and he wanted more. He had to cut her off to heal but he's doing well in a very solid relationship with a nice girl. You'll get there too, just give it time.

Yeah - I know that's the best option. It hurts a ton because for so long after we kissed she kept saying she was thinking about us & if I said lets just be friends she'd get angry with me, panic if I asked her to leave me alone until she made up her mind

I feel like if I done things differently, just carried on being non needy/jealous about her ex as I was before her things would be different. It's very painful being told that you are the most important thing in someone's life, only for them not to take the next step to never lose you.

It hurts even more that she's now giving someone else ago who she once said all the same things about that she's just told me

When she lived near me she was always the one hinting at "us" but at the time I was too blind to see it.

As for closing the door, she has for now. I just don't know what to do if she gets back in contact or if she even will despite her/friends saying she will. It's so silly.

It's up to you to close the door for your own good. She was NEVER going to commit to you full time. You were her transition guy, her shoulder to cry on. No matter what you did it was always going to end this way.

And what friends say is never a real indication of what's going on in a person's head. I've heard that so many times in my life. Don't worry, you were a great couple, she's just going through a tough time, she'll get back with you. I've never seen it actually happen. Actions speak louder than words. Her actions say she's not coming back.

I feel like if I done things differently, just carried on being non needy/jealous about her ex as I was before her things would be different. It's very painful being told that you are the most important thing in someone's life, only for them not to take the next step to never lose you.

Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. She liked you in a platonic sense and just kept feeding you sugar pills so that you wouldn't break off completely and leave her without your friendship. She has never had a romantic interest in you --- not from the first kiss onward.

I know. I think that's what hurts, that after all we went through together & how close we were - that in the end none of that mattered to her.

Yet she falls in headover heals with guys that date her for a week, have sex with her & then run away. I used to tell her off for that.

It's the false hope she gave/gives now that we'll talk again. She left before/came back & the The text "I'm ok but struggling, I will message you if I decide to go back Canada but otherwise at some other point" I got 3 weeks after we split out of the blue makes no sense to me. What is she hoping to achieve? Why am I hoping she's going to change her mind

Nothing you could have done would have changed anything. She liked you in a platonic sense and just kept feeding you sugar pills so that you wouldn't break off completely and leave her without your friendship. She has never had a romantic interest in you --- not from the first kiss onward.

Yeah - She kept feeding me sugar until she felt confident to be on her own (or find someone else) It makes it even more painful she's now "trying" a guy she did exactly the same things with a year ago, kissed - went on two dates with & rejected, only he hung around her still waiting for more. She's now given in & trying to prove to herself she can have "a proper relationship" (tho apparently messing him around too - Difference is he won't walk away from her or make her make a decision)

It isn't that nothing mattered. Clearly your friendship mattered ----- she just never had romantic interest in you. She was hoping to keep your friendship and deflect your romantic interest.

You should be happy that you are strong enough to stand up for what you want. And she seems more than a bit flakey.

Yes that's true - I suppose I should be glad of that. I could have never done what the other guy has done, stay around an entire year after being rejected (Been there done that, got the t-shirt!)

The friendship mattered to me as well, it was the most important thing in my life. I just couldn't keep on doing it knowing it would end one day when she found someone she wanted to be with.

Having said that, here I am hoping she'll get in touch She swears she will. Why say that if she's not going to

The bottom line is she just wants her close friend back, you want a romance, and the two things are not compatible. She doesn't have romantic feelings for you, period. She'd probably like to, she probably wishes she did, but she doesn't.

You can't change what happened, only what happens going forward. You either go back to being just her close friend and being fine talking to each other about all aspects of your lives including your romantic interests in other people, which is what you both had before, or you let her go and go NC and heal.

By the way you sort of make her out to be the bad guy for not returning your feelings and that's a bit unfair. She never had romantic feelings for you and that was pretty obvious. She didn't want to hurt you and she likely kept hoping she could generate those feelings, but she can't make herself love you any more than you can make yourself just want her as a friend again.

Trying to stay in touch is likely just going to get you both hurt worse as each of you becomes more and more frustrated that the other one can't provide what is now wanted. Let her go, move on. The friendship was dead the moment you kissed her and then started trying to insist she catch feelings for you that she clearly never had. You took her ambivalence as a sing of hope and promise when in fact it was simply a sign she didn't want to hurt you or lose the friendship.

We do outgrow friends sometimes or the nature of a friendship and the people involved change drastically, just as they do in romantic relationships. The key in both is to let go and move on and move forward, hopefully a bit wiser and stronger, but understanding at the end of the day you cannot control another human being's heart and you cannot pretend one thing when you feel something else entirely. And yes, it's not fair, but it is what it is.

By the way you sort of make her out to be the bad guy for not returning your feelings

Yes & no. I did ask her right at the start if she didn't want anything to let me know & I'd go back to dating other people & keep the friendship as it was.

It's the dragging it out for so long I struggled with, leaving & coming back. I asked her to leave me alone when she got back in touch if she didn't want anything beyond friendship until I was fully healed but she was persistent in talking. Only for her to later say she didn't want anything when we finally met up later. It has left me pretty messed up.

then started trying to insist she catch feelings for you that she clearly never had. You took her ambivalence as a sing of hope and promise when in fact it was simply a sign she didn't want to hurt you or lose the friendship.

I don't think that's fair, I never insisted she catch feelings for me. I asked her to let me know if she didn't want anything else & that we'd be ok if she didn't. I truly meant this.

Like I said, if I made the decision & said lets just go back to friends & forget about it all she said that wasn't fair. So I ended up a confused mess

Because she is selfish. She wants what she wants (your friendship) regardless of how your romantic feelings being unrequited made you feel. So she doesn't care that spending time with her was hard for you.

Thanks for clarifying all of that, I do stand corrected. I agree she was selfish in that she wanted the friendship and tried to sort of hold out that as a carrot, likely thinking if she said no you'd leave her altogether. I know you wouldn't have, but she didn't know that.

The bottom line for the future, to save yourself heartbreak is this, if they ambivalent about you in any way then break it off and walk away. It usually won't turn into anything else and is the person wanting to keep you there for other reasons than wanting a romantic connection with you. People who fall in love have no ambivalence, even when they sometimes should. You didn't. She shouldn't have either and that honestly was the biggest clue that she was never going to return your feelings.

And it's not time spent or shoulders cried on or support or anything else that guarantees someone will fall in love with you. My sense is you could spend your life with this girl in it and she will never feel sexually and emotionally attracted to you the way she feels towards other men. And that's not something she can control and you can't either.

I do understand. I've had to table friendships before over this exact scenario, being the woman who would never feel anything romantic for the guy. It hurts on both sides, but the genie is out of the bottle and you pretty much know where you stand and so does she. What you both want isn't compatible with what the other person needs, so it is time to end things and walk away.

I agree she was selfish in that she wanted the friendship and tried to sort of hold out that as a carrot, likely thinking if she said no you'd leave her altogether. I know you wouldn't have, but she didn't know that.

Yeah - After the kiss & the initial confusion I said to her that she was my best friend, always has been & always will be - That I wouldn't go anywhere if she didn't want more.

But the longer it went on, the more confused I got & I ended up doing so after a while because I couldn't deal with not knowing where I stood but even then, I made sure she knew I pulling back to protect myself & give her the time she wanted, I was there if she really needed me. Else I promised to get in touch when I was in a better place.

I should have stood my ground & gotten my answer then but she got really upset & made me promise not to speak for her. So we carried on talking & weeks later I was still in the same position. Her wanting time & me wanting to know where I stood. Likewise I should have done the same when she got back in touch when we first fell out & still didn't give me a solid answer until I was back in deep. She lost all respect for me & I had been moving on at that point, now it's 1000 times worse.

I hate myself for trying to walk away, not being strong enough to stay & not making her feel more secure in the friendship the first time round but at the same time not doing so, thinking of myself a bit more & giving her the benefit of the doubt/trusting her. It's the "If I'd done X/Y/Z" that sucks.

I don't know how to forgive myself.

And it's not time spent or shoulders cried on or support or anything else that guarantees someone will fall in love with you. My sense is you could spend your life with this girl in it and she will never feel sexually and emotionally attracted to you the way she feels towards other men. And that's not something she can control and you can't either.

Yeah I know - It's a massive mindscrew that she told me she's going to give this other guy a try, despite her saying (When we were both dating others) that he didn't do it for her, she felt zero attraction towards him & he was annoying always wanting more. I suppose I should be happy I'm out of it as even when she told me, she said he "Wasn't sure he's what she needs" & she's probably moving home alone anyway - So he's probably going (or will) go through the same rollercoaster I went through at some point, just much deeper & it's good it never reached that stage with us.

But all I take from that is the above, if I'd waited & been more patient it might have worked out, but honestly that's not the kind of relationship I want. She's dated/pined over others whist he's been there doing everything she asks, it was really quite embarrassing at times. She's forcing feelings for him that she didn't have - For what reason? I have no idea. Why she told me? I also have no idea

I don't know how he's dealing with being directly rejected for so long & now her suddenly wanting him.

It sounds silly right? It's taking so long to unravel all this in my head, I don't understand why I hope we'll talk again one day as deep down I know our friendship can never be the same, no matter how badly we both want to be.

All I can think about is what to say to her when/if that happens when I *know* I need to move on because that may never happen, despite what she says & what all our mutual friends say. It makes no sense

I don't get it, some days I'm ok with everything & other days I can't stop thinking about it.

When does this end?

The longer it is, the less emotional I feel & I'm starting to order it all in my head. I just don't know how to forgive myself for the mistakes I made (Trying to walk away when it was being dragged out) & utterly ruining our friendship. I'm stuck in a loop

The friendship could not have continued. When one party has romantic albeit unrequited love for the other party....the friendship becomes untenable. Neither of you is to blame as neither of you could choose whom you love/don't love. Such is life.

The confusion and pain will subside in a few weeks.

It is the worst pain I've ever been through. I'm practically a zombie at times

I know the decisions I made at the time were the correct ones based on my state of mind back then but it doesn't stop me second guessing it all & wishing I'd behaved differently.

One night she told me she wasn't going anywhere - Did want to give us a try. The next week she's talking about her ex & her need for answers from him. I struggled so much with feeling second choice & pushed her away, that's when I got the upset txt.

Knowing what I know now, that fizzled out anyway & I should have been there for her like I always was before. Her other friend was & now she's dating him.

We ended up pushing/pulling each other away/in & it became an unhealthy dynamic. I'd be dealing with this a whole lot better if we hadn't done all that for so long. I blame myself so much for everything when I know it takes two

It's so illogical I still want to talk to her tho what I want to say has changed a lot over the past few weeks. I'm a lot calmer & thinking rationally about things (Some of the time!)

It's not knowing how long or if ever we will speak again that I'm struggling so hard with right now, even if just to say goodbye (we fell out via txt)

I don't know how to forgive myself.

You just take time and you heal and you stay NC. In the end I don't think there's anything to forgive yourself for. You only did what we all do sometimes, fall for someone who wasn't available. And yes, it can get very confusing, especially when it happens among close friends.

Forgive yourself by realizing you are human, you tried your best, she tried her best, but you both just wanted things that were too different. Like I said I think she wanted to fall in love with you, she really did, so she kept hanging on hoping while she did indeed jerk you around. But the kind of honesty and guts it takes to look a close friend point blank in the face and say, "I'm sorry, I just do not feel any romantic attachment to you," is a really, really tough thing to do. When I was younger, I know I couldn't probably have done it if it had happened. You weren't just some guy hitting on her that she could blow off. You were the confidante, her best friend, that's got to be tough.

In turn you hoped and you fell for her and that's totally normal and understandable as well.

It's called heartache and unrequited love. They suck, they really do, but the good news is it does get better. You're just in the throes of the early stages of letting go, those are the worst. Focus on moving forward, filling your life with support from family and other friends, try something new right now, and realize it will not always hurt like it does now.

Give yourself and her time. Don't be so hard on yourself either. And yes, vent about it and write it all out, because that helps too.

I suppose I did the best I could & waited as long as I could. We didn't really communicate about it face to face, instead only via the phone. When she moved we went from seeing each other everyday to just weekends & the longer it went on, the less able I felt to see her.

What do I say to her if she gets in touch? We've both said we will talk again, our mutual friend says she worries she's made the wrong decision but I'm so hurt by her dating this other guy after all she said about him/me & that she's giving it a proper chance with him.

She isn't one day goi g to all of a sudden see you as a romantic partner. She will be in touch because she misses your friendship and wants to skip over the part where you was to date.

Yeah - Even if she did I'm not sure I would believe her after everything. It really, really sucks as I miss her friendship an absolute ton - I have never connected with anyone the same way I did her & it was the most beautiful thing I've ever had.

I hate that I'm waiting for us to get in touch again tho rather than moving on. I wish my heart made sense

Once things are out of the box - they are out of the box. I am glad you took a risk - because then you will never have to wonder "what if..." I would not contact her any more - it will help with moving on. She is being honest with her feelings. In time, you will heal. This is why male/female best friendships seldom work. Casual, more distant friends who have a work or family context can, but having the opposite sex as your closest friend often ends in this way - someone with feelings/someone not, or interference in your relationships because you lean on the friend emotionally too much. chin up. Now time to make more new friends.

Yeah - It's silly really, we both used to joke about people trying to get us together. Until recently I still had the texts I sent her ages ago saying that we're friends, just friends & everyone else be damned - We were proving that it's possible. I realise now I was shooting her down without realising it but honestly that's how I felt back then. I remember a friend saying she'd told him that she would have been with me back then if I'd shown more interest. Damn That's why it's also so head screwy now.

I'm not going to contact her, I haven't since we fell out. The only contact since was that txt message (from her) Not knowing when or if she will & what she will say tho is tough

It's difficult - I'm forcing myself out with friends & I've managed to keep a fairly busy life but it's incredibly hard not to dwell on the past even when I'm out - Especially if I'm with mutual friends as she was always my +1 at these events. For years I was quite a shy person & she got me out of my shell, turned me into the life of the party - I am not the same person at these things without her She is the last thing I think about before sleeping & the first thing in the morning

I am kicking myself so hard now for missing all her hints & signs when she was living close to me (She's now 80 miles away), she'd always comment that people said we were a good couple & maybe they saw something we didn't. She'd ask me to spend the night at hers but I maintained boundaries I wish I had explored more.

I was too busy chasing girls who weren't good for me whist I had this wonderful person right in front of me who offered everything I wanted, my idiot self just kept turning her down. I took her for granted.

I've cried a lot over the past week, harder than I thought possible. It's been two months since we saw each other & a month since we last spoke.

I keep wanting her to reach out & say everything's ok, she's thought about it & we'll try it but I know that's not going to happen I am both waiting for & dreading her getting in touch. My friends say in time I'll be more rational/less emotional about it & know exactly what to say but it will probably just be her saying goodbye.

Some days I just want to txt her & ask her not to get in contact so I can fully move on on my own, others I want to say I miss her

Buddy as hard as it is to hear and indeed stop doing, there is little point thinking about what ifs and if only. You are in the position where you have two choices: either go full no contact and if she ever gets in contact with you again deal with it then and if she never does then so be it. Or, send her a text (or make a phone call) and tell her you miss her. Better to talk things through in their entirety with her than drive yourself insane.......

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that by contacting her she will decide to be with you or even that you two can be like you were again. I am simply saying, a good one to one with her could prevent you from blaming yourself and constantly questioning this and that.

I am in full no contact & have been for a month now. Talking to her now won't resolve anything as we're both still hurting & will probably just fall out even worse again. We tried that when we started talking again, tho I was afraid to speak my mind about certain things out of fear of losing her & more or less bent over which I regret as I did later in unhealthy way (I vented over the phone, tho admittedly she had started to get stroppy with me over small things - This is why we aren't talking now)

Some days I want to just call her up & say my final goodbye to her, I don't deal well with non absolutes. But I've made a promise to myself that no matter how hard it gets, I will leave it alone.

I've been seeing a therapist over this (& other issues from my past) & she has encouraged me not to "rush" anything by pre-emptively sending anything or second guessing what she will do in future - That the only way I will truly heal from this is on my own with time. Giving myself (& her) time to grieve the loss & then allowing myself the chance to cross that bridge in future if she gets in contact.

I have nothing to gain from saying goodbye, I won't get closure & I *know* I will regret slamming the door on her as when I'm healed as one day we might be able to be true friends again. I've been writing different messages every day or so, some days I just vent, other days I write about about the good times & how much I miss those.

I am very slowly healing - I can go a few hours now without thinking about her & the what ifs, tho I think I will forever blame myself tho for not being a better man when I didn't get an answer from her for so long & venting at the end but I'm slowly learning that I'm human, I make mistakes & so do other people. There's very little point in being hard on anyone for it & I don't think either of us ever wanted to hurt each other, it just ended up being that way.

I know I sound like a messed up person but this is the first real important opposite sex relationship I've ever had end & losing it/my best friend has hurt so, so much. Before I met her I didn't really bother trying to date anyone & previous relationships have been fairly short (Either I don't feel it & I get over it quickly or they don't, I struggle for a week or two & then get over it)

She was the first woman I truly emotionally connected with & without her I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be who I am now.

I heard today that she's missing me as much as I miss her & I nearly burst into tears again, I just assumed she'd moved on. I hate this >.