Ex wants to continue talking and try to "rebuild" but doesnt want a relationship

So my ex and I broke up at the end of February. I immediately went NC for one month and then ran into him at an event he wasn't supposed to attend. He wanted to speak to "clear the air" so I agreed and we ended up talking for 5 hours about everything. He ended off by saying that he wants to reopen the lines of communication so that we can work at "rebuilding" our connection and solidifying our bond. Basically he's extremely wishy washy in what he's saying but he's saying that he doesn't want a relationship now because he's got a lot to work on himself individually but he's open to short term dating with other girls. He is on every dating site you can ever think of, btw. Through all that, he expects to continue talking to me 24/7 (good morning texts, good night texts, compliment texts) just like when we were together except we're not. He claims there's no harm in us talking and sometimes hanging out and then in time seeing where that goes and where we both stand on our feelings for one another. Basically he refuses to let me go but he doesn't either want me at this time. So I'm extremely sceptical of this whole situation and I feel it's only end in more heartbreak. I also feel he basically wants a hall pass even if we're not together. Meaning we broke up, he wants to date others but doesn't want a relationship but also wants me still there and open for when he decides he's had enough and he wants to settle. He compliments me on a daily basis like he used to do, he talks all the time about all the good times we had during our relationship and never brings up the issues. He also makes it a mission of his to make me laugh every day so I don't know. We broke up because we were both going through a very rough time and we just couldn't keep the relationship going in a healthy manner. We didn't break up because we fell out of love or because we had too many issues. It was basically too much stress from both ends.

I want to also add that he keeps telling me he's not holding me back. He keeps saying "you can go on dates and if you meet the guy who makes you happy, then go ahead. I'm not holding you back from anything"

I feel like I should tell him this is over for good and move on with my life but a part of me still believes that maybe just really isn't ready for a relationship and needs time

he doesn't want a relationship

This is all you need to hear. You have gotten the "lets be friends" speech and as soon as he finds another chick, the daily texts will stop.

So ---- you let HIM go.

How does he work on himself if he's on a bunch of dating sites????

He wants the benefit of a relationship, without the relationship. He will USE and HURT you, and probably get some sex on the side - with no commitment. Don't forget you'll be able to see and hear about all of his activity with other girls. Very selfish, and he is not concerned how this will affect you!

He's not "wishy washy," as HE told you that he doesn't want a relationship.

This is a no win. Go NC. You CANNOT be friends with someone you have feelings for! Get some backbone and cut him off, or you will only hurt yourself.

Hahahaha, nice try

Yeah...no. Don't even go there. I would take the 'keeping the lines of communication open' to mean potential sex every now and then with no commitment on his side. Great deal for him, short end of the stick for you.

Hopefully you are not entertaining the idea, and you know that all this would do is hamper your process of moving on, building false hope for you, ending in heartbreak the moment he does end up meeting someone he wants to date.

Say no to breadcrumbs, you have better things to do than entertain him at his convenience, and help him fill his time until he falls for someone else. Don't ever be anyone's second choice, safety net, backup, last resort.

Reread all that you just wrote. Your answer is already there. The fact that you are sharing your discomfort in an arrangement of his design in of itself is enough to move on.

He may or may not have the right intention, but going about it all the wrong way. Tell him that the situation doesn't feel comfortable for you (because clearly it doesn't)

and that you would rather not have contact with him. This basically sounds like a demotion. You are better than that.

If at anytime he is in a different place and is interested in trying again to let you know and see where you are at.. .But for now. . you are moving on.

I for one would respect you for that. .

I understand all that but why does he feel the need to constantly say that he doesn't want to throw what we have away and instead he'd rather take time to work on himself then see if we can start talking about what went wrong with us and see if we can work things out? Also, I wouldn't sleep with him even if I life depended on it. I'm very strict when it comes to that and I know I wouldn't crack even if he made advances.

I will cut him off but I'm trying to understand why he constantly implies wanting to see if we work in time even if he's telling me that he's not holding me back from anything and if I meet someone, then great.

Because he wants the benefits without the responsibility of commitment. What is he going to "work" on and how is he going to go about it? On dating sites?

You are a back up plan. Not a place I would live voluntarily or under duress.

When a guy tells you to date other guys, he isn't holding on to you.

I understand all that but why does he feel the need to constantly say that he doesn't want to throw what we have away and instead he'd rather take time to work on himself then see if we can start talking about what went wrong with us and see if we can work things out? Also, I wouldn't sleep with him even if I life depended on it. I'm very strict when it comes to that and I know I wouldn't crack even if he made advances.

 

I will cut him off but I'm trying to understand why he constantly implies wanting to see if we work in time even if he's telling me that he's not holding me back from anything and if I meet someone, then great.

Get clear on what you want and act on it. Don't waste time trying to read between the lines of what he saying.

I understand all that but why does he feel the need to constantly say that he doesn't want to throw what we have away and instead he'd rather take time to work on himself then see if we can start talking about what went wrong with us and see if we can work things out? Also, I wouldn't sleep with him even if I life depended on it. I'm very strict when it comes to that and I know I wouldn't crack even if he made advances.

 

I will cut him off but I'm trying to understand why he constantly implies wanting to see if we work in time even if he's telling me that he's not holding me back from anything and if I meet someone, then great.

Good for you for being firm about not sleeping with him!

What he's saying is just words...his actions tell a different story. He doesn't want to throw away what you had? He did that when he broke up with you! I can't believe he thought you were gullible enough to buy into his way of "working on the relationship"! How exactly is he working on the relationship, by going on dates with other women and suggesting that you do the same? He doesn't sound all that intelligent, or diplomatic, for that matter. I mean...who even thinks to come up with this kind of BS???

Like another poster suggested, tell him you are not interested in that type of arrangement, and that if at some point he seriously wants to give you two another try, he can contact you then, and if you're still single at that point, you may (or may not) consider it. There is no such thing as a "sure thing", and you have no intention of being one. If he wants to date others, by all means, he's free to do so, but he needs to understand that you won't be keeping in touch and waiting in the wings for him to make up his mind. Then go full NC.

Because he wants the benefits without the responsibility of commitment. What is he going to "work" on and how is he going to go about it? On dating sites?

 

You are a back up plan. Not a place I would live voluntarily or under duress.

 

When a guy tells you to date other guys, he isn't holding on to you.

I agree! He doesn't sound like he has the same feelings, or he wouldn't chance the possibility of someone else coming into your life.

If he wanted to work on himself, he would get counseling, not go to dating sites. See this for what it is.

He's string you along. Doesn't want to lose someone he can go to for counseling, ego and possibly sex. This type of story has been repeated on this site a million times. it never works out for the best.

I think you need to do what you want to do. You are a single woman and you need to do what is best for yourself. If an ex confronted me about waiting to rebuild our connection, yet still see others on the side...well I personally wouldn't put up with that. But that is just me. You are the one that needs to decide what you want. Don't try to figure out his motives. If he is looking for what you are looking for...then it is time to close to door as you see fit. Good luck!

Let's look at his logic for a moment. You broke up because there was supposedly too much stress.

So how does him going off and banging a bunch of other girls equate to 'fixing stress'? It complicates his life rather than reducing complexity.

He trying to sell you swamp land. By that i mean he wants total freedom to bang any girl he pleases and look for a new GF, while keeping you on the shelf and back burner for comfort, security, FWB sex etc. He using you and refusing to work on the relationship or even commit to the idea of working on the relationship, while setting up a situation that works great for him (good old familiar you + any hot new girl he wants to chase) but is crappy for you and gets you no closer to your goal of having a loving committed BF.

Tell him to call you when he decides to commit to being your BF again and to being faithful as well. If he won't, then stop answering his calls, texts etc. Don't agree to be part of his harem. You are special and should treat yourself as such rather than being one of the herd, and so should he. If he won't agree to that, don't agree to be friends or anything else with him.

Bottom line, he's using you as an emotional crutch until he can find someone else to replace you. That's what that's always about if he's out there looking and on dating sites, but insisting you stay where he can keep tabs on you.

The guy is worried he wont' find anyone else, so even though he doesn't really want a relationship with you he doesn't want you to find someone else first before he does.

This is called being a selfish a**hat and a jerk. Tell him if he's not getting into an official relationship with you then he's wasting your time, block and delete him and move on. And do it before he finds someone else then tells you it just didn't work out and you two aren't together, so what's the big deal anyways. Because we can all see that train coming towards you when he keeps trying to tell you it's the light at the end of the tunnel where you two get back together and live happily ever after.

Shorthand for: he wants to keep himself comfortable while he shops for someone else.

Skip that. I'd tell him that if he's ever interested in a relationship with me, he can let me know--otherwise, I wish him the best, but I don't want any contact from him.

If you settle for crumbs, that's what you'll get--and it will prolong your misery.

Wow. He wants to demote you to one of his options so he can get his ego stroked. Don't allow him to degrade or downgrade you. Stay strong and check out baggage reclaim site. It's about dealing with emotionally unavailable men.

Urgh, urgh, URGHHH!!! I hate all that crappy spiel that ex's give that basically means NOTHING.

You don't need to tell him it's over. He knows it's over. He ended it. Your viewing it as NOT quite being over because of the connectionth that he is manipulating between you ... and that is why allowing him back in your life will just create confusion for you.

By saying that there is no harm in you talking or hanging out shows how extremely selfish he is being. He hasn't once considered the emotional impact this may have on you. He's alright about it so that's all that matters to him.

The reality is he doesn't want a relationship with YOU .... he wants to date others and have some fun until he meets someone else he really falls for whilst you float around in the background to fill in the gaps in between. He isn't hanging on to you for you when he wants to settle. He wants to use you as his emotional crutch. As things stand, he is now free and single, having fun dating around but he also has the security and familiarity of you when he needs it too.

He is being selfish and inconsiderate ... all for his own benefit. If he wants to move on and wants you to move on to then he should at least have the decency to allow you to do so.

I know you think you didn't break up because you fell out of love but don't you think if he still loved you in the same way he wouldn't want to date others? Wouldn't he want to continue to make things work? It is likely that things stopped working because he stopped wanting to try. I'm not saying he doesn't have any feelings for you at all but they aren't what they once were and it isn't "love". He certainly wouldn't want you to date others if he was still in love with you.

Don't let him use you to fill in the gaps or as his emotional crutch. If he wants to move on then let him .... but don't let him hold you back in the meantime. One day he will meet someone, fall for them and he will be done with you once and for all ... and you will be left feeling dumped all over again.

If nothing else resonates with you then look at it this way ..... remaining in the background of his life will never truly allow him to miss you. Therefore you are actually helping him move on from you.

He has made his choice .... let him suffer the full consequences.

As someone that's been through the above - Don't.

Mine was my best friend for 2 years before we tried dating which didn't really work out for various reasons. A month after we broke up she came back saying she missed me & the old us. I stupidly gave in when I still wanted more & after a while she said that all she wanted was the old friendship back, wanted to do absolutely everything to be as close as we were before & told me she didn't want to date anyone as she was going back to Canada in the summer (I'm in the UK) I was heartbroken but agreed because I missed the closeness of the old friendship, the daily txt's asking me how I was & having a shoulder to lean on

Few weeks later she's acting strange/distance & I call her out on it - She's dating a guy who she'd turned down numerous times over the past year or so (Ironicly we both used to poke fun at him for hanging on!) & we fell out again. I'm absolutely heartbroken & really struggling with it all - She's fine & sleeping with someone else now. I have nothing. Worse, she called to breakup saying "We'll talk again one day" & a few weeks later I was txt saying she'll contact me if she goes home else "At some other point"

I'm in an unbelievable amount of pain now, whereas if I hadn't given into her months ago I would be much further along with my healing now. No matter how painful it is, you must not give into anything less than what you want.

Your guy will drop you like a hot rock once he finds someone else.

He def wants his cake and eat it too. Hes implying youre good enough to talk to but not good enough to be with. Hes trying to turn this into a FWB situation and still have the option to explore. Go with your gut instinct and break it off. You deserve better

he is "monkey Branching" He wont let go of your branch until he has safely found another branch (female) to go to. And if he goes out looking and doesnt find anyone, he still has you there waiting for him...Dont be that person that lets him hold on until he figures out what he wants...It will be an awful rollercoaster ride of emtion that you do not want to be on.

I'd be offended if a man I had been in a relationship offered me this. I vote for cutting him out completely.

Break ups hurt, but you aren't made of glass, and you are strong enough to get over the hurt without him. Maybe he isn't strong enough to get over this break up without clinging on to you; but that is his problem to deal with.

Why I would be offended is, if I had been in a relationship with someone, they would know the kind of person I am, and that I would not appreciate this. I think it's important to show respect after a break up; it tells you a lot about a person. And offering up for you to be his bit on the side while he looks for another girl, and using con lines like 'but it's for our future, baby, to see us rebuild down the line' is not very respectful of you as a person IMO.

It may be telling you something about his deeper real self, or it might be he is just really really bad at break ups....which tells you something about how good he would be for a long term partner anyways.

. .I had something similar with my last serious relationship. . On and off again. We had parted for a few months and I was actually just starting to date when he came around wanting `to spend time with me and see what happens'

I told him straight up that in order for us to have any sort of relationship he would need to be -

"All in, emotionally available and consistent"

Anything less then I needed to keep moving forward - without him.

Result. . he stepped up like he never had before.

It ultimately ended for other reasons. . But I don't doubt we would have tippy-toed around the issue had I not been direct with him about my expectations.

I also believe he had a different level of respect for me

Thanks everyone for your input. It definitely helped and today I told him that I was cutting contact for good. That if somewhere down the line he felt like he actually wanted to give it a go, to contact me and if I'm still available and still interested, then I'll see where we stand. Until then it's time to move on and I refuse to be his emotional crutch. He's not accepting it easy and has tried to make me feel bad for my decision. He even switched his "I am looking for" on the dating sites to "New friends" and not long term or short term dating but it's not good enough for me. I'm worth more than this.

Good for you. As much as it may have been hard I imagine it felt really right at the same time

Thanks everyone for your input. It definitely helped and today I told him that I was cutting contact for good. That if somewhere down the line he felt like he actually wanted to give it a go, to contact me and if I'm still available and still interested, then I'll see where we stand. Until then it's time to move on and I refuse to be his emotional crutch. He's not accepting it easy and has tried to make me feel bad for my decision. He even switched his "I am looking for" on the dating sites to "New friends" and not long term or short term dating but it's not good enough for me. I'm worth more than this.

You go girl!!!!

And good for you for not bending under his pressure.