I've decided to end my LTR, but what to do about our stuff?

Hello! Hopefully, this place is a little more active than other forums I've tried because I desperately need some guidance...

I've decided to end my LTR. My problem is I don't know how to go about dividing up our possessions. Now, I know it's just "stuff," but I have to start over from SCRATCH (he's keeping the apartment - something else about this BU I don't think is fair, but that's another story) so this stuff can go a long way for me. If I didn't have to completely furnish a new apartment I'd just leave it all, but at the moment, I have nothing: No couch to sit on, no bed to sleep in, no table to eat off of, etc. It'll take me MONTHS to be able to afford to furnish (not to mention get the little things like pots) a place.

I've talked to him about taking certain things when I go my own way (we've talked about breaking up for a few months and now it's just time to actually do it) and he was having NONE of it.

"I paid for it all," he says.

The thing is, he didn't... At least, I don't think he did... This is what I need help with.

As far as the furniture goes, we bought ALL of it, at the same store with one huge price tag. The plan was for each of us to pay half.

He paid the first half (the deposit) and I was to pay the balance when we went to pick it up.

We split bills, but he ran into some trouble for a few months so I paid for EVERYTHING. He had car problems, he switched companies (he's a labourer) and the new company didn't send him a check for SIX weeks (something surprisingly typical - it took him longer than that to get T4's) so he had NO money to pay his share.

HE proposed the idea of paying the rest of the furniture when it came in as a way to balance out all of the bills I'd covered.

Seemed like a fair request to me because although I don't make a lot of money (he makes 3x more) my paycheck was actually available.

What was left to pay on the furniture actually left me a few hundred short, but I wasn't (I am now, lol) counting at the time in a dollar for dollar kind of way.

Things between us were great so I didn't mind helping out - he's helped me out plenty.

This is where I run into trouble.

He thinks that because he PAID for the furniture, he's entitled to it, but I don't see how that's fair when the arrangement wasn't set up as such?

Even if it was, am I to leave with nothing?

Things changed, we adjusted, shouldn't I have SOME claim to something?

Even if he were to owe me "his half" of what I paid in rent/utilities in monies I think it would be a dragged out process - it usually is when cash is involved.

All I want is either the living room set or the dining room set and a few random things.

Hell, I'm willing to leave with the dining room set because I like it more than the living room set and YES it's cheaper (by about 400) than the living room set.

We were engaged so I guess we're common law and all that, but I don't want things to turn... legal. I just want to move on.

Unfortunately, the only options I feel I'm left with are to 1) Leave with NOTHING or to - as bad as this sounds - take my half when he's out for the day. I don't even care if he thinks I'm a crazy b**** for doing so. What he thinks of me doesn't concern me. What concerns me is trying to start over.

I can handle the breakup. People breakup, but the thought of starting over from scratch sends me into such a panic I want to cry. I have to find a place to live as well as stuff to put in it! The hardest adjustment for me to make is setting up house all over again. He'll be left with a lovely apartment that I helped pay for and decorate and I confess I'm so proud of it. I love it.

I should add that until recently, my ex fiance has never been a cruel or cheap man. He's actually a nice guy. He just stopped being nice to me (to the point I don't even want to be around him) which is one (there are more, obviously) of the reasons I'm leaving.

What would you do? Thanks in advance,

I've always found that being *really* nice gets me what I want. I broke up with a guy that had paid for the couch and kitchen table in my apartment, and when we split he was mad and said, "I'm coming to take x and x and MY table and couch!" And I just said, "I'm really sad about the way things are right now. I don't want there to be any hard feelings...I want us to part in good terms...so...yeah, I understand, take what you want. I'll be gone when you're here, just leave you key. I wish you all the best." And he came and took his clothing and stuff but left the furniture.

I've found the less combative I am....the more I express real emotions (other than anger- which is challenging during a break up) the more amicable exes have been. My daughters father left everything when we split...because we split on such good terms. *shrugs*

Normally, I'd agree with you!

The thing about my x is he's a nice guy turned mean. He's on a mission NOT to be a nice guy and I don't know why as I've NEVER taken advantage of him in that department. I've always bragged about how I'm lucky to have a nice guy. If I were to meet him NOW I wouldn't give him the time of day. Something has happened to him and try as I might to get to the bottom of it I just can't. All I know is that he does NOT want to play nice. I feel as though he wants to take advantage of me. His sister recently got jerked around by a bad guy who took her for a lot of money and his mom and dad aren't on the same page in life so that could be why he's turned so hard. Or, it could just be me. I don't know, I won't ever know I just want to exit with SOMETHING to make my future look a little brighter. I'm probably going to pull a disappearing act with my half of the stuff, I just wish it didn't come down to this. I'm afraid if I try to talk about splitting things up again he'll throw everything in storage so I won't even have a chance to take it.

Wait until he's out for the day and take your half (fairly! No more!) and split. Get everything that is rightfully yours so you don't have to come back.

You were common law so if he protests, the court will side with you and support you taking half, because that's what you do when a common law marriage breaks up.

I doubt he'll come after you legally, I really do. You're in the right. It's common law. Take your half and go when he's not there. Block his number so he can't reach you.

Well, that's what I'm saying. My exes were mad at me. Like the couch guy hated me. But then I was super nice to him and I think it was such a startling contrast to the way he was acting that he realized he was being disproportionately jerky...so he compensated by being kind. Same with my daughter father.....he did not want to break up. He was sad to be leaving our daughter and so mad that I was ruining our family. He kept threatening to get even in court....but I kept being super humble and apologetic...and he realized he wasn't being the kind man he usually was...so while he was mad at me, he was kind.

*shrugs*. Idk. You can play nice, and he still might keep everything. You can pull the midnight move and take half of every thing...and he might take you to court. You said he was a nice guy before all this...he still is...he's just a very hurt, sad, scared man right now.

So unless you pulled a jerk move, like cheating on him...my thoughts would be to try to call to his good nature. *shrugs*. That's what I would do.

It sounds like you just want to pull the midnight move...so go for it, you asked for advice, and I gave mine

If he did take you to court, the court would say that you were okay to take half anyway because you were common law. It may actually backfire on him because you did pay for the deposit in part and you're not getting that back.

That's why I think you're good to do the midnight move and take half and go. You're doing what is alloted by law. There is nothing illegal about that.

Morally, yes. Legally, no.

We are defined by how we conduct ourselves in our worst times, not in our best.

I don't think it's immoral. Immoral does not = "not nice". She's not hurting him and it is just. She's splitting it halfsies. She is entitled to that. Is it ideal? No. Of course it's best to have everyone get along. But that's not how life works all the time. It's not immoral to take what is yours and leave quickly and without drama.

I have some personal experience with this. When I moved out with my ex, his grandparents flipped out. His grandma is an alcoholic and his grandfather is a POS. They "forbade" from from moving out even though he was an adult and was making his own. So I got a movingly van and showed up. We loaded his stuff (his, not theirs) and left before they woke up. It was great!

It was the best thing we could have done.

When you are dealing with unreasonable people, do what you have to do and move on. I can promise you, talking to him won't do crap. He's clearly angry and doesn't want to deal with you. So do it yourself.

I think not giving him a choice in which "half" he gets is extremely rude *shrugs*. Your ex and his grandparents is completely different...it's not a break up...and they sound dysfunctional.

He's keeping his half despite her paying for the furniture halfsies. She's tried to talk to him about it and he refuses to let her take her just half. He's the one being rude and dysfunctional here, not her. At least she tried to talk to him. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

He's actually getting the better end of the deal because he gets the apartment and doesn't have to pay her the security deposit.

If she didn't talk to him, I would agree with you. But she has. And he won't budge. So it's time to take one and go. The alternative is to either take him to court, which would yield the same result, or sit around and hope he changes his mind.

From what I've read, she hasn't even moved out yet. Which means things haven't cooled down. They're both still really emotional...so...no? Negotiation is hard when people are still living together talking about a break up. It would be better if she moved out for a few weeks, then talked to him about it.

A dining set isn't a necessity. Honestly, most furniture beyond a mattress) isn't necessary, most of its aesthetic. And the stuff that is necessary, is easily found second hand....take that from the girl that refinishes furniture for a living.

When people have cooled off, it's way easier to talk about things. *shrugs*

I'm outta here though. Clearly I have a different moral compass...and that's cool. Like attracts like, right? So we date people like ourselves and all that....and I'm not like this...so I've had different experiences with my live in bfs and break ups

For the record, I'll be leaving him the sectional because he likes it more than the dining set. It also cost twice as much. I'm not going to take his TV or anything. Just things I paid for and maybe a few odds and ends in the kitchen since I do most of the cooking.

It's just so devastating to realize we've come to this! I'm plotting to take furniture because I'm afraid he won't be reasonable? I'm sure he'd come around in a few months or so, but I don't have a few months. I have a life to start all over and that will be hard enough without having to worry about replacing furniture.

Starting over at 28!

I just need to get a good cry on!

Well, that's the thing, she hasn't moved out so she's supposed to move out on her own, have absolutely no furniture whatsoever and then talk to him about things weeks later? That doesn't make much sense to me, especially if law dictates that she owns half.

Unfortunately, if you are limited in funds and don't have help from anyone, you don't always have the option to move out and discuss later when you have NOTHING. What is she supposed to sleep on for 3 weeks? The floor?

OP, get your half and get out. It makes the most rational and logical sense.

She's talking about a dining set, not the mattress?

She said she has no couch or bed to sleep on, no table to eat on... And she's low on money. So she has nothing.

At least a dining set is something to start. And legally, one set or the other is hers.

She could sell it if she needed to.

She needs something and legally she cannot be left with nothing from this. She gets half. Either she can take it herself or she can waste money having the courts tell him to give it to her. Pick one.

Because clearly, he doesn't given a damn. She can't wait around waiting for him to do so. Sometimes, you have to do things for yourself.

I agree with Fudgie. This poor woman deserves to leave with something. Why should he have everything because he is acting like a douche? They both contributed to the bills & the furniture, so why should he have it all?

Get a truck, some big strong male friends & do it.

Good luck, I hope things work out well for you!

Obviously a dining set isn't a priority, but it's all I feel I'm even remotely entitled to. At least I'll have a chair to sit on. (The bed is his, he had it before me and I tossed mine when we moved in together.) If I don't have a place to put it in time as I'm looking to rent a furnished apartment for the time being, I'll be forced to sell the set and get some cash value. I just CAN'T leave with nothing. I'd never respect myself if I did. If I had other stuff to fall back on I wouldn't relate a stupid dining set so much to my self-esteem, but the hard cold truth is I have NOTHING.

I don't know where his head it at. I've talked to him to the point that I've OVER communicated and little is resolved. We just take it day by day and I don't know how long I can live like that so I want some type of exit strategy. He may come around, but I don't want to take that risk. I'd rather be the crazy b**** who took half her stuff in the middle of the night than the sucker who created a lovely nest for him and the next one.

I was just wondering how (if at all) entitled I am to take anything.

You're not the crazy one here. He is. I agree with your thinking here. You have nothing. Take your something and go, girl!

You're not the crazy one here. He is. I agree with your thinking here. You have nothing. Take your something and go, girl!

Thanks, Fudgie!

I used to be much more... crazy, lol. I wasn't always so hesitant to do what I wanted! Although I don't care what he thinks of me per se, he's still a nice guy (to everyone excluding me, that is) and to come home to stuff gone is just... harsh. I guess it's no harsher than him asking me to be the one to move out so he'll be left with a beautiful bachelor pad, but still. I'm just depressed because if I do take flight like *that* it's literally the nail in my coffin. Swallowing this is SO hard. I could have a crying fit typing this!

I agree 100% with Fudgie. You are entitled to half. Take half. Talking to him hasn't worked and resorting to legal action is costly.

It sounds extreme - it may even feel extreme, but if you know he won't be reasonable about it, then this is the only option left to you. Get some friends together on a day that you know he won't be home and take what you are legally entitled to.

If he wants to fight you on it he can be the one to take you to court.

You'll be a lot more mobile with cash versus stuff. Seriously, furniture is very very easy to find unless you're trying to be the next Martha Stewart. The most expensive thing you can expect to buy in your future is a mattress, which you want to buy new, but even a twin is reasonable to sleep on.

Lol.

I actually am a little Martha Stewart meets Betty Draper which is why I'm so depressed that I may have to leave my house! I have everything the way I want it and I put so much work into setting it up that I'm actually happy to just SIT in it.

You're right, however, and I'll take the cash if I can get it...