Going to see ex bf tomorrow at a group 'meetup'....yikes

How should i be acting? I have written very few threads on here...i always hijack everyone's elses...ugh...so most know my story. In fact one thread i wrote was May 29 last year...saying it's over, he's bringing my kayak....etc.

Well...throughout the year last yr. he ran hot/cold. Everytime he wouldn't see me for a few weeks (usually i maybe had a date or two) he'd come around. In the fall, after he said he didn't want a relationship with me....and basically yelled at me to get out of his house...i left, and thought hell with you....and focused on a relationship with a different guy who was newly divorced and crazy over me.

But the feeling wasn't mutual....and a month later...the old guy started calling and txting. I wouldn't answer. Finally one night i did. We talked for 2 hours. He said he knew he had been pushing me away, but it was because he cared so much...and he was afraid he'd get hurt. He said he didn't have a good track record with relationships. (married 3 times) He said he realized he LOVED ME! He had never said that before. Back story...friends for 9 months....now have been lovers since April of last year.

Ok. So then he said he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship and what did i want. I said i wanted a FUN summer and give me the summer he took from me last year...having all that FUN with the other girl. (but having sex...ugh...with me) He said he would commit to one year. We laughed and even wrote it on a piece of paper and signed it. Commit til Nov. 1.

Well....that didn't last long. Back to hot and cold. Finally he realized his idea of a relationship and mine were two different things. He would distant himself. But as recent as the first week of march he was txting me he loved me and missed me. He was out of town....lol

Anyway, as of March 23....it's over...even tho it was unspoken. Just 'poof'. I want to try NC...but it is hard for me. All of our friends are shared. We were a closeknit group and he and i were part of a 'couple'. Now they are siding with him....and i'm suppose to just get over it.

Now here is the Question.

I have read everything on here that NC is the way to go to heal. He wants to be 'friends'. I think its his way of having his cake and eating it too. He gets everything he wants...i get nothing. The gf i was talking to today...married since she was 19 and is now 63...thinks we should all be able to hang out as friends. I should suck it up....and they don't want to enable me anymore. Basically, I'm draining them.

I went for a walk on Easter...he was there. I could hardly stand it and almost went home. He came and talked to me, and said he would leave...i said no...he was there first. I walked with a girl...he walked with a guy. But that night...i drove to his damn house...and we made love. At one point i said...my head is swirling with emptiness, can you say something to me...and he said, "Carla...you know i do love you".....and what did i do? I burst out crying. geez.

Haven't seen him since. So there is a picnic tomorrow. So many people...old friends and new folks going. I'm going to have a few close friends that have my back come with me....

Now.....how should i relate to him? Should i ignore him? Should i talk to him like we are friends? (it about kills me...I'm on the verge of tears daily...and going thru quite a deep depression over this...so I'm not at a 'strong' place)

We always use to have a very fun, silly, goofy friendship. He fell for me cuz he felt like i was strong, and independent. Little did he know i was weak and needy...lol

Part of me wants to go and pretend I'm HAPPY...show him the woman i use to be...and toss my hair as if to say....there....eat your heart out.

We always had very passionate sex....and he always desired me. But i think he's going thru a midlife crisis....something else i wrote on here about.

so again...i know i write to much. Should i try to do LC....once or twice a month in meetups? I mean..i really want to kayak...and my damn boat is still at his house!

Or will this keep me from getting over him....because i 'dwell' on the 'old days' when things were good.

Heck...it took me 2 years to get over the ex fiance who cheated and dumped me...and that's only because Tom came along....lol

So just give me some confidence to go in....and should i ignore....be friendly...pretend everything is peachy keen...just like he wants? I mean, sometimes i think that would make me the bigger person. Just suck it up...let him go....forget that he told me he loved me a month ago...and promised me he would do all these wonderful things with me this summer......then crapped on me.

I'm not a happy camper. But i can't stay holed up in my house all summer feeling sorry for myself.

>>We were a closeknit group and he and i were part of a 'couple'. Now they are siding with him....and i'm suppose to just get over it.

First, I'm really sorry... those 'do-overs' that explode in your face can be doubly painful, because you not only are hurt by the break-up, but you also feel stupid/used for taking the person back for a second round.

re: your friends saying 'get over it,' that is about them and their own convenience and not about you, and in fact they are being insensitive to the reality that this guy buggered you over TWICE. They want their little group to just remain unaffected by the fact that his guy is a jerk who manipulates and uses women while pretending he wants a real relationship rather than just a FWB situation to get his sexual needs met.

I suggest you NOT be friends with him. That is for his convenience and the convenience of the group and not in your best interest. You need to really let this guy go and heal and move on, and the way to do that the quickest it to cut him out of your life entirely. And you frankly need to cut out these friends who are telling you to 'suck it up.' Just quit talking to them about him. Contact a therapist if you need to still talk about him or the relationship, but stop doing it with these friends, and stop going to group activities where you know he will be there. Maybe some of these friends you can keep as one on one friends if you don't talk about him (i.e., go to lunch with them individually), but find a new group for new activities.

Maybe in a couple years you can not care about him or maybe when you have someone new you can bring the new guy to these group activities, but until you are healed, you need to think about YOU and what is right for YOU and not indulge their unrealistic expectations that your feelings and pain should just go away at the drop of a hat because it is not convenient for the group of friends.

And you just need to STOP seeing him. No FWB sex. No 'I love you's' when on the one hand he is saying that but still rejecting you and not actually agreeing to be with you as a couple. This is a toxic situation for you so you need to get out of it, because he doesn't love you the way you want him to love you so you're wasting your time and heart on him and need to stop seeing him. So today, don't go to the picnic. Just stay home, have a good cry, and find something else to do besides seeing him or thinking about him. What good is going if you're going to spend the whole time miserable and obsessing about him? No point to that.

And start looking for new hobbies to replace activities with this group until you've gotten over him. Make new friends. Search for new people to kayak with. Or take up rock climbing or scuba diving or cycling or volleyball or caving or boating (whatever sports are big in your area) and join a group! Tell him to drop your kayak off at your door or another friend's house. See your closest friends in the group one on one and if they try to bring him up, tell them it is not open for discussion and you are doing the right thing for you, which is cutting him out of your life until you are healed.

btw, this is not a mid life crisis for him. He's been married THREE TIMES. That is your biggest clue. And he told you the truth about himself, he doesn't do 'releationships.' He's one of those guys who can't stay faithful or interested in a committed relationship for long, and has already ruined 3 women's lives with divorces and is now taken up with you TWICE via empty promises and messed you around and dumped you TWICE, so don't keep telling yourself excuses for why nasty piece of work 'this isn't him.' This IS him, the guy who messes women around in order to get sex and then loses interest, when all he really wants from women is a FWB situation. At his age, he'll keep doing it until he's too old and sick to do it anymore, then he'll hire a nurse or settle down with a woman to take care of him in his dotage, but not before then.

Take your power back! You don't need him or that particular group of people to be happy and survive! Your life is stretched out before you and you can choose to go any direction you want, and there are a million sports, activities, groups you can join that don't involve him for fun summer activities. Instead of going on that picnic, go shopping today and look at mountain bikes and spelunk around looking for a group of weekend cyclists! And try taking a weekend yoga class to relax and meet other women to widen your social group.

Thankyou Chickadeedee.....I am going to the picnic. Another 'friend' who i hiked with yesterday is going with me. And a gf who i was out with last night, is going. We don't have a lot of 'meetups' in our area. And THOSE people don't want to talk about him...it's ME who drives them nuts! lol I was going to go before i found out he was going. There is only ONE kayak group in our area, but i will go with maybe one or two. I loved it last year when we were in a big caravan...i felt like i 'belonged'. He said he doesn't want friends with benifits....lol...it is ME who throws my body on him. But he'll take it! The problem is....is that i want it. HA!

When i tell my two closest gf's things like what you said, they disagree. Well....one thinks i need to heal more. But they're under the impression that lots of relationships just don't work out, and we move on....but doesn't mean we have to quit doing the things we did before.

I joined this meetup group over 2 years ago, and it was the best thing i ever did. Got me over the ex that brought me to this place. I live in a smaller city 100,000....and since I'm 60 and he is 57....the guys are dying off.....or they're married...or they're sitting at home in their recliner with a beer in there hands.

It's not like when you are young and there are hoards of singles milling about!

well...gotta go frost my cake. Just had wanted to know if i should IGNORE him....or if i should be FRIENDLY and treat him like i did back in the day when we were friends. I will have a couple of people that will hike with me....so i don't have to be close to him. About 15 people are going.

I think what you have to do is be true to yourself. If you can go on the hike and be fine and spend your time with others and ignore him, then go. If it is going to turn you into a crying lump when you return home, then don't.

My goal when breaking up is to get over someone as quickly as possible so that I don't emotionally torture myself and can free myself emotionally to find someone new rather than wistfully longing for someone who is in my face frequently because i have to see them at parties etc. Most people do leave their exes behind and don't keep them in close social contact, at least until they are over the person and it doesn't bother them anymore.

As long as it doesn't bother you, then go ahead. But if you find that you think about him more or pine for him after these meetings, then i suggest you find something else to do until you no longer care that you're not together. With some people, that 'not caring' comes quickly, and for others it doesn't. I've had some breakups where i was better and over it very quickly (or before I even broke up if I was the dumper), and others that took a long long time, based on my level of attachment and how deep my feelings/future expectations were for the man. Only you can judge that and decide whether seeing him is little or no impact on your emotions when you do see him in these social situations, or whether it is setting you back and keeping you from healing.

My level is not what it was with the ex fiance....that took 2 years...until i met tom. But since he and i have been on and off for 2 years....with just march we were proclaiming 'our love' to each other....i was very attached. Didn't help that he was the best kisser...and best sex...I've had in all my 60 years either!!!! ugh. But yes....emotionally unavailable.

This guy is taking up too much of your mental, emotional and calendar real estate. I'd reconsider that, as your preoccupation with him is not leaving you enough focus to heal and move forward and find someone worthy of you.

You're a beautiful woman, Nut, inside and out. How much more mature do you need to grow in order to learn to stop wasting yourself on men who don't deserve you?

I'd skip this guy--completely--and move FORward.

Love,

Cat

My instinctive reaction -I hope you go and I am glad you're going. I would hate that he would have such control over you as to have you miss this fun picnic. You go, you act polite/pleasant but in a distant way and let him see that you are a creature unlike any other and eat his heart out. But keep your heart far away from him -he does not deserve it.

Hope you had a great time or at least a good time.

I'm too ashamed to even let you all know what happened.

Lets just say....I was wrong...you were right. Hurt again. Empty promises...wonderful day. So romantic later.

Never heard from him the next day. or week. Now he's on dating sites.

I'm so stupid. Yep...he even talked about 'seeing' each other again. But he didn't want to be smothered. But he had come to my house about 2 weeks ago....i wasn't home. He let my dog out to pee...but he never called or txted.

He's given me mixed signals for a year now. Emotionally unavailable. But he seems so LOVING and CARING and PASSIONATE when we were together. Then ice.

I'm so sorry i couldn't follow through the 'going but not caring' part of it all.

At first i walked and ignored him. Then talked to him at the picnic. Then asked if he wanted to walk more later.....ugh. dumb.

I so believe in him.....because i want too. And then he turns into another person.

It's not mixed at all - it's clear that he is unavailable if he flip flops like that. The first time it happens -ok - but after that, then it's clear that he's not available. It gets mixed when you keep up the rinse/repeat cycle because then you give yourself mixed signals of "I know I told myself that he was unavailable but THIS TIME will be different so let's go for it". He's been perfectly consistent. I'm sorry it's so disappointing. I don't think you're behaving in a stupid way at all -you benefit by getting the short term gratification - that has some worth to you.

Why does he have access to your house?

Honey, it's confusing because your emotions are involved. But not confusing to observers.

What's going on it this: This man only wants FWBs. He doesn't want the responsibility and boundaries of being in a relationship. He doesn't want a permanent relationship. He wants a recurring FWB, someone he can focus on for a little while, get his physical needs satisfied on a particular day, then zip off for more fun and stimulation somewhere else with someone else. He'll take you off the shelf now and again to play with you, but once he's even a tiny bit bored, he zips off again. So he's getting exactly what he wants from you which is to have occasional hookups with you (and other women) with no reponsibility or commitment attached, but you are NOT getting what you want from him at all.

So you are repeatedly bruised by him because what you are looking for and what he is looking for are entirely different. He enjoys the freedom, the flirting, the fun, the sex, but he is not interested in being your BF or future spouse. You on the other hand are in love and want to make him your one and only, your man, your full time partner. Those goals are not compatible.

So don't focus on 'not caring.' Your feelings will take a while to detach from him because you had high hopes that he'd be your permanent beloved. So your task now is moving on, putting him in the past, stopping seeing him so that your feelings can gradually dissipate and detach from him. If you're seeing him all the time and having these hookups, it is not going to happen. You'll see him just enough to keep the fire alive and want more. So don't focus on 'not caring' because that will take time, but you can focus on stopping going to social events where he is, deleting him from your contacts, FB, phone, email etc. You need to do this for your own mental health and to speed your healing.

He'll toy with you forever if you let him, or until he finds a woman he is really really interested in, and then one day, she'll just pop up at your group events with him while you have to watch them hugging and kissing and holding hands while you're expected by everyone to be 'OK with it.' Don't put yourself thru that. Think about YOU and your needs and not him. So stop attending events where he'll be, and delete him everywhere, and spend your efforts finding new social activities to fill the gap of the activities that used to involve him. Mayve one day you can rejoi the group and not care about him or let him mess with your head, but clearly right now you need time and distance away from him.