I thought I'd feel free, but I'm just hurting and confused

I finally got the confidence to leave my 25 year old boyfriend who I was living with for 6 months.

He was affectionate, very good looking, loved me dearly, had a house, car and good job but he was a man child - selfish, immature, very controlling and jealous, spent his money without thinking of the consequences, got arrested for drunk and disorderly on my 21st birthday, wasn't comfortable with me moving to uni to study my engineering degree (even though I was going to see him, 4 days a week).

My family and friends came to dislike him, but his family loved me. In the end, I felt leaving him was necessary when I realised we didn't have that much in common - although he says you can't measure compatability and it just happens.

Now I've left I feel like there is a hole left. I miss all the good times we had, his smile, his eyes, his querkyness and the way we laughed together. I miss the great sex, the cuddles at night, his hugs and the way he made me feel when things were good (I'm crying just writing this). I miss everything and it hurts so much. People are asking Me why I left as he seemed like a great catch.

When I went round to collect my stuff yesterday he told me he was now going to the gym everyday, saving money and seeing his friends now I'd left - all the things I wanted him to do while we were together. He apologised for his behaviour and said he didn't want anyone else but me even though other girls had been messaging him. I'm so confused, could he have changed? Have I done the right thing?

Coming from a semi-reformed man child, I say YES!

You're hurting now because you miss the good stuff, but I promise you, you can find all of the good stuff and a partner who will treat you as an empowered woman and not as something to control or be jealous of. And screw what people say, they didn't date him.

If he is a man child, and good looking, he will coast on that for a lot longer. The fact that he needs to tell you other girls message him is validation of his narcissism. Don't fall for it.

You clearly have done the right thing if it made him better. If he really has changed, then you can start dating again and see if it can work again. Seems like you still love him very much. Did you leave because your family and friends didn't like him? Because he's not the perfect boyfriend? Do you want to get married soon? Or do you want to enjoy life?

And were you happy, truly happy with him? If yes, get back together. But if you weren't that happy I fear that the problems will come back, and you will be miserable again...

Well I'm not sure if it was just an act or not? And yes I do love the guy still.

I left because I felt this gut feeling that we weren't right. After everything he'd done, my walls just went up and I wasn't happy - especially him being immature, selfish and not emotionally supporting me. It felt like it was all take from his end. I do miss him terribly though

You did the right thing. If he really only wants you, give yourself some time to figure stuff out and maybe try again? If he really changed for good - you will see. He can be telling you all this just to get back with you because he knows that this is what you wanted to hear from him. Give yourself some time.

And good luck to you. It will get better, believe me! Hugs!

First, you are only 21 and need to focus on other things like school rather than dealing with a man-baby.

Having said that, i think part of the problem here is you were getting too serious with him when you are only 21 and need to have an education and career under your belt before you think about settling down with anyone.

So if you are really unsure about your feelings and really unsure whether he has the capability to change and improve, you can just take your time to decide what is right to do here. Instead of leaping back in with him with both feet and focusing on him all the time and having to make a big decision one way or another, focus on school and yourself. You might agree to see him CASUALLY for a while to see if he has really changed or whether it just words to try to get you back, but in the meantime you do need to make sure you don't get pregnant, and don't make any major commitments to him, and don't move in with him, and don't assume he has changed for the better until you've seen a PERMANENT change in his behavior for at least a couple of years with no backsliding into his former behavior. And if he starts to backslide at all, you're out again and move on and enjoy dating in college (other people).

But if it gets back into any drama at all, you need to let him go because you need to be focusing on your school and career and discovering who you are rather than getting sucked into the drama of dealing with a man-baby. Make it very clear to him that you know where you want your life to go and the type of person you want to be with, and if he goes back into any of the other behavior at all, you are 100% sure it will be over.

Nobody feels great after a breakup, even when it was the right thing to do.

Trust your gut. Someone who takes you for granted and only sees the light after they've lost you isn't a great bet for reconciliation. Sure, they'll change their behavior and try to manipulate you back--but how much of that is ego, and how much of that comes from a place of genuine concern for you, which if present, would have motivated a demo of that concern in the first place? And how long would the good behavior last?

Allow yourself a lousy time of grief before making any pivotal decisions. Create a goal fo surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resiliency and ability to bounce back from this. Time and distance from the ex is less about testing him and more about testing yourself and learning your own potential to build happiness and a well-rounded life. THAT is the platform for decision making, and if the ex is a 'meant to be' deal, the time and distance will work in your favor. If not, then it really-really works in your favor.

Head high.

Great advice Catfeeder as always and your signature line is SPOT ON. Your a true asset to these boards I've saved several of your posts in my clipboard.

I felt leaving him was necessary when I realised we didn't have that much in common - although he says you can't measure compatability and it just happens.

Another nail in the coffin of his immaturity. Compatibility doesn't "just happen". It either is --- or isn't. And you don't need a boy in your life.

Personally, I'm a little appalled that people have been asking why you left. That is not their business at all.

Also, them saying "he seemed like such a great catch" is a rude thing for a person to say when their friend (you) has just left him. Obviously, he wasn't that great and these people who are saying this need to grow up a little, in my opinion. These words sting to a person who has just left a relationship, and it makes them question their actions, such as you are now doing.

It goes without saying that they do not know the inner workings of the relationship that you had. When this happens, when people say these things, remember that you don't have to answer these invasive questions. Just answer the questions they should have asked.

As far as everything else, I agree with the other posters. You did this for you, and relationships are more than just those good days. Give yourself a little time and stay away from toxic people. I wish you the best.

Be strong. I once broke up with a trust fund baby who was immature and addicted to gambling. He seemed to change, he seemed to have women at his disposal, he seemed like a catch. It was the worst, messiest breakup of my life and it took me a full year to crawl out of the pain and emptiness that a broken relationship can leave. But in hindsight I was 100% correct.

Sounds like you made the right decision for now. No one changes overnight and breakups really hurt even when the person is wrong for us. Good luck.

Man baby as described won't change for years. Trust me. You did the right thing.

Catfeeder - You should start charging by the hour ... because this advice beats any advice a therapist can provide!

OP, don't make the same mistakes I've done. When you are 21, you think you know everything and that love is forever and that life can be an exciting ride. Not to say that none of these things are right! But, at the same time, love can last forever when it's right and when it's healthy. Life can be an exciting ride but it does not have to include stupid, immature drama in order for it to feel exciting. At 21, you are still almost a baby. Finish that degree, try that first beer with great friends who won't mind helping you get back home in a taxi (LOL), go on camping trips, travel internationally to places you've never been before, date guys carelessly and freely and have fun. If only I can be 21 again, what I could have knew back then over what I know now. I wasted it on a manchild and now I can't do anything but deal and find a way to live a life without him in it.

Manchildren are tough cases to crack. If they ever change, it's only when they are significantly older, and by then, you would have already moved on. So, enjoy your youth and get that education; because you can lose everything, friends, boyfriends, husbands, pets, houses, materials, etc... but you will never lose your education.