Closure

Why would a dumper need closure after 6-8 months after break up? We we together for 20 months.

He doesn't. The closure is for you....see below.

I read your other thread....he didn't reach out for closure. Your friend reached out to him and he is offering to talk to give you closure so you will move on. But it isn't high on his list of things to do.

Yes my friend reached out but he said he needs closure.

Has he directly told you that he needs closure?

Yes my friend reached out but he said he needs closure.

Your friend told him that you two should talk and he said he would think about it and hasn't reached out to you since then...over a month ago.

How you are framing this is that he is reaching out to you when that is not the case.

Yes he emailed and said he would like to talk and needs closure. But that right now he is not in a good state with work stress and be better to talk next month when things settle.....ok..

I'm so bored of people playing games with others and saying, "OOOOOh I'm soooo sorry I huuuurt you. Thanks for all the sex. But I'm sooooooo busy with wooooork. Silly me, I guess I'm very important and needed by people … Let me see if I can just pencil you in." Pathetic.

I know it's just lame.

I know it's just lame.

Then stop.reaching out to him through your friend

My friends would like to see us back together. So I did not ask the friend to reach out.

My friends would like to see us back together. So I did not ask the friend to reach out.

I am sure she thinks she is doing you a favor but it can be seen by your ex as a thinly veiled attempt at attention. And now that he has put the conversation off for at least a month, you are left thinking you are in limbo and he is going about his life.

Your threads have been about hopes for a reconciliation and at best he is looking at closure.

Why can't he tell my friends it's over and I don't want to get back together rather to delay this talk that he wants to maybe have.

Why is he obligated to tell your friends anything? If I were him I'd tell your friends to stay out of it. Why do they need to be involved at all? OK, maybe they "want" you two back together, but don't they realize they're not helping the situation?

So now you're going to be stuck for at least another month. Until your friends meddle again and get your hopes up once again and he says to wait yet another month. This could go on for years!

You're right I give up. I can't communicate because I'm blocked on all mediums. He can only email or message me. I don't think work is that stressful I think he's just trying to put it off. Thank you for the input but yes I give up.

Why can't he tell my friends it's over and I don't want to get back together rather to delay this talk that he wants to maybe have.

Because your relationship or.lack there of is likely none of their concern in his eyes. IF he is going to talk about your relationship, it shouldn't be through a third party.

You're right I give up. I can't communicate because I'm blocked on all mediums. He can only email or message me. I don't think work is that stressful I think he's just trying to put it off. Thank you for the input but yes I give up.

Blocking you is kind of a huge sign that he doesn't want you to be in contact with him.

Correct. Thank you

Mhowe.

I know it's just lame.

I'm so bored of people talking to ex's through their friends and not taking into account a person's actions.

Actions speak louder then a friends words and his lack of action to be with you, his blocking you are both good loud and clear actions that your friend should stay out of his life and you two should stay out of each other's.

Move on, luv. It's done like dinner. If he wants to talk to you he'll reach out to you without the help of your meddling friend.

Here is a transcript of a conversation my friend had with my ex a few days ago...I'd like to see if there is an opportunity to discuss reconciliation (together for 20 months, broken up for 6 months). He broke up with me:

Friend: i wanted to let you know i met with lostinamore today

Friend: we had dinner

Ex How is she?

Friend: you mentioned a while ago that you would maybe contact her after march

Friend: she is better

Ex be honest I am not there yet

Ex: Which is weird

Friend: she is interested in talking to you

Ex: I think I'm so wiped I'm not in a good state

Friend wiped from the tests and work?

Ex: Tests, then work

Ex: It's horrible right now

Friends: are you done with it?

Ex: the tests

Friend: but i'm assuming work is challening

Ex: I need to change offices

Ex: I'm stretched too thin and not doing what I want

Friend: ic

Friend: i know she wants to talk to you

Ex: Okay

Friend: to gain some peace of mind i think

Friend: and to appologize

Ex: She shouldn't be concerned about apologizing

Ex: But I understand closure

Ex need it

Ex maybe next month

Ex: When things settle for me

Friend: Ok

Friend: I know she misses talking to you.

Friend is doing a lot more self care

Ex: That's good

Ex would like to talk to her too

Ex: But I need more time

Ex: And if she misses talking to me that worrys me a bit.

Based on the above there is no chance of reconciliation and he is worried that you are not moving on.

NO... I Don't see where he is saying HE needs the closure in this instance, just that he understands that you do because he sometimes needs it as well.

It worries him that you still need to talk to him because he wants you to be at the point where you've moved on and are not still hoping he'll reconcile with you.

He's too busy and stressed out with other things to be worried about soothing your need for closure at the moment and he doesn't want to open up HIS old wounds either.

Okay, thanks for the input.

I think he feels he needs to tell you himself that you need to move on, based on his statement that you wanting to talk to him worries him.

Can you ask your friends to please stay out of it and stop talking to him about you? Maybe they have good intentions but they are contributing to your inability to move on, and that's not helpful.

I remember your earlier thread on this. I think you misunderstood his intent when he sat down and talked to your friend. He was feeling guilty that he had hurt you. That's it, that's all that was. He was schmoozing the friend to find out just how much you may have been hurt, and whether or not he could let go of feeling guilty. And in the heat of the moment and relief at finding you weren't totally devastated or burning effigies of him he felt generous enough to say, "Of course, she can contact me" when in truth, once the itch of dumping his guilt was done, disappeared.

He wasn't seeking closure at all. He was seeking to alleviate his guilt and never really had and still doesn't have any intentions of contacting you. He broke up with you, it's done. Let it go and move on.

People are often also afraid to tell an ex's friend things that will result in them being yelled at by said friends, so no of course he's not going to tell her, "No, I never want to hear from her again." He's going to do the whole, "Sure, no problem" that so many people do.

That does not mean he ever wants to hear from you again and his actions, not his words, show that very clearly. I'm sorry, you need to let this all go and heal and move past it. And I know how hard that can be, but for your own sanity and healing you need to do that.