Stepson birthday and birth of baby around same time, husband wants to be there f

So my husband informed me last night that he is trying to arrange to see his son for his birthday which just happens to be around the same time our baby is due. Of course I want to encourage him to see his boy, especially on his birthday, but I really can't stomach the thought of him leaving the country while I have a brand new baby (first time mom too) or him being distracted because his kid and the kid's mom are here. This is something I really want to experience with my husband completely and with his full attention. I don't want others involved (my mom will be here, but that's the only extra person I want around). I know this probably makes me sound like a petty, small person, but I just can't help but feel stressed out and anxious about this situation

I don't think you're being pretty or small about it. Giving birth is stressful both physically and mentally. Even the preparation weeks prior to the arrival can be emotionally draining. Your husband probably doesn't see it that way because technically, this is his second child, and he has gone though this before. Nevertheless, he needs to be more sensitive to your feelings.

Is there any way he can visit his son before the latter's birthday, or even after? I know it would be nice to be there for the son's birthday, but would the world fall apart if your husband arranged for a visit independent of the child's birthday?

Know your are not being petty about the situation. Honestly best bet would be to sit down with your husband and explain how you feel calmly. He may not see your point of view as Nightshade he has went through this before. I f there is some tension between the stepson's mother and husband about the issue. May be talk to her calmly about it and explain how you feel and maybe work it out to where a different time, tell her that. Your husband is wanting to see his child for his birthday but explain to her you are a first time mom, you want him by your side for this.

He must have REALLY split loyalties here and I can see both sides. If his son is young, he would not be able to understand and see your child as a rival. If he is older, maybe he might be able to understand and might even be able to travel to visit after the birth for your husband to make a real fuss of him and see his sibling.

Good luck, you'll need it.

I understand your desire to have your husband with you when you give birth so the plan for him to leave the country is something he probably shouldn't do if there is any chance that you might give birth while he is out of the country.

However, when you took up with your husband, he had a child, and that child is and always will need to be a top priority and no less important to him than any babies you two have together. If you are looking at this child as an 'outsider' interfering with you and your own child, you will need to get over that and learn how to balance your lives to meet your needs and your child's needs while still thinking of this boy as an integral part of your family rather than as some 'outsider' interfering with you.

So I think it is reasonable to expect him to NOT leave the country for this birthday because you are about to give birth and you want him at the hospital with you, but it is not reasonable to try to keep him away from the boy if the mother and child are able to travel to this country for the boy's birthday. This boy is part of your family and will be a part of your life for as long as you are married to your husband, and he is your child's brother, so you need to find a way to incorporate him into your life. So you should tell him that you don't want him to leave the country because you are about to give birth, but it is fine if the boy comes for a visit for his birthday.

And your husband seeing this boy if he is able to come to the country for his birthday while you are pregnant is no different on any given day than your husband getting up and going to work (which you would not try to stop him from doing or be angry about him doing), so if he spends some time with this boy for his birthday while you are pregnant, that honestly is you being small minded if you try to stop it. Pregnancy is a NORMAL condition and you can tolerate your husband spending some time with his son on his son's birthday as long as he is available and local should you go into labor.

Now is as good a time as any for really understanding that his son is not 'optional' in your life, and there will indeed be times when his son will have needs that are not the most convenient for you personally, but a child's needs do take very high priority, and this boy will always be a priority and your child's brother, so he should be welcome in your life and home no matter what the circumstances, and you need to work on that mentally if you can't accept that.

If you had your own child with your husband you wouldn't expect him to abandon that child on the child's birthday if there is any way at all to work that birthday celebration into the mix, and you need to look at it that way for his first child who was already part of the package when you decided to marry your husband. That child is and should always be as important to him as you and your child are, so you need to figure out how to make that work in your life rather than seeing this child as someone you can push away whenever you don't want him around for whatever reason.

How people treat their other children is really a reflection upon how your own child will be treated should you not remain together. Really think about that. Recently I read a thread where you said your husband used to see his other son a lot more. And then you guys got together and he couldn't go as often. So this little boy hasn't seen his dad in a long time. That is really hurtful for a little boy. It really really wears on your self-esteem as a child. And should you guys not remain together your child could not see his/her father for a really long time. And you don't know yet how much that is going to really really hurt you as a parent. You would be absolutely torn apart for your child.

So while I do understand your need to have him there and the whole pregnancy hormone deal your husband is also somebody else's parent. And he should be allowed to spend time with his son as much as he can.

I do think he should make accommodations for the fact that you may have an infant at the time or be about to go into labor - and that either him being away or you having guests could be extremely disruptive. I don't know anyone who hosts guests while managing their first newborn.

You've said on previous threads that the most your husband has ever seen his son was once a month, and that since he's been with you, he's seen him much much less. I agree with you that your husband should do the most he can to maintain a good relationship with his son, but the insistence on the birthday at the time your baby is due seems odd to me given the state of the relationship with hugs don. Not to mention you posted two days ago that his son doesn't know you are expecting! How's that going to work if he comes to visit?

Can't your husband go visit him before his birthday, maybe a month before, and have a nice visit then? I think a week then would be much more meaningful than a birthday visit where everyone is focused on the newborn.

I think it's absurd that your husband just informed you of this. A conversation would be appropriate, so the two of you can decide TOGETHER. Honestly, so much of what you post about your relationship makes me think that it is bit healthy and that your husband does not respect you. I'm sorry to go off topic but it just worries me to see you in this situation and see you trying to convince yourself that everything is fine and normal.

Just to clarify, I do feel strongly that he should see his son REGULARLY. But to just inform you he's been planing this get together at a time of major disruption in your life is, in my opinion, extremely inconsiderate. I don't think he must be there right on the birthday, and I'm sure frequent visits would mean much more than seeing his son once a year on his birthday.

When I had a 2 week old my husband had to travel to another state 2-3 days a week for about 2 months. I had no help (he was fine if I wanted to hire help -for a number of reasons I didn't want to). I was terrified but really at that age there is no day/night -I was exhausted but I rested when he slept as best I could and I did have a few friends and family members stop by to help a bit but honestly socializing was really difficult for me at that time. I also had a serious medical condition happen when he was almost 2 weeks old so I was recovering from that. You manage. He has to be there for his child so whether he goes to the actual bday or soon after you will have to manage on your own with a newborn. It's very manageable. Obviously if heaven forbid the baby is unwell then there should be different priorities but let's hope all is fine.

I do agree that the number of guests around the baby at that age should be limited for both health reasons and your ability to entertain/socialize at that time.

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the responses.

When we found out the due date this was something my husband brought up as he was really stressed about it then. But he stopped talking about it so I didn't think it was an issue, until last night when he brought it up and told me he had been talking to his ex and they are trying to work around everything so that he can see his son during that time.

I am I no way trying to push this child away, but at this point I have absolutely no relationship with this child. We've never met, I know he doesn't know about the baby and I'm pretty sure he has no idea who I am. He is 6, and so I'm not sure how much of this situation he would even understand without meeting me. So as I said, I'm not trying to push his son away, but I don't feel like an appropriate introduction would be right when I'm giving birth. I'm sorry to say that it's just not something I'm comfortable doing right then and there.

I have pushed to meet this child, I have explained how important I feel it is and while my husband says he agrees, he just hasn't done much about it. So I quit pushing. I told him that when he decides he wants to bring us together then I'll welcome it with open arms. But I am living in a foreign country, where I don't speak the native language. I've never been admitted to a hospital before, and of course never had a baby before. This is a monumental thing for me, and I need my husband there with me 100%. I feel like after the baby has been here for a few weeks and things have settled then if my husband wants to go visit his son he can. But he's hoping the baby will come a few weeks early, or that the day after the baby is here he can go, if she comes after her due date. He did say there would be no way he would leave the country if she still hasn't come.

His ex is trying to be very accommodating by saying she will come here if the baby comes around her due date, but again, I just don't think I'm going to be up for this big introduction with her and this child right after I've given birth.

I agree that your husband should be there at the birth and right after as well. You'll be ready to go in the normal sense anytime after your 37th week from what I remember -these things can't be timed and from what I heard first babies often are late (mine was a little early).

 

 

His ex is trying to be very accommodating by saying she will come here if the baby comes around her due date, but again, I just don't think I'm going to be up for this big introduction with her and this child right after I've given birth.

I think this is a fair compromise. Is anyone saying you have to meet anyone? Why can't your husband just go out and meet with them while you're resting?

And even if you do meet with them, I think you are underestimating what you're capable of—an hour-long meeting just to let this child know his sibling seems small compared to the time you actually get to spend with his father.

I just want to say that my husband is a really good man. I post a lot of crap about him on here because it's my way of venting on honestly, don't feel the need to post all the good stuff! You guys only hear the bad.

I know my husband loves me immensely, he'd do anything for me and he is very excited about this baby. And I know he loves his son very, very much. He definitely could do better at seeing him, and it really bothers me how little he sees him, but I feel it's really not my place to push him about that.

I know he just wants to make everyone happy in this situation, but I do feel like this is a particular instance when we need to just forget about the actual date he sees his son and just make sure the get together happens either a month before she's due or a month after. I think trying to coordinate everything right around her due date is putting too much pressure on everyone.

Honestly, given what you shared I think you should suck it up and allow for plans for his son to come visit. You're going to be tired, drained, and in some pain after birth but life goes on. Not every household can focus solely on one child -- there are other children in the home, guests that come to see the new arrival, etc.

Don't try to micromanage the post-baby weeks. It's likely not to match up with anything you picture now.

Traveling to you and your husband is the best for everyone. Husband gets to see son. Son gets to meet new sibling and stepmom. Son's mother finally gets to know who you and hopefully heal wounds of estrangement between husband's earlier family and the new one he started. For the rest of his life, your husband is the father of BOTH of these children. It wouldn't be fair keep things separate rather then forging a blended family dynamic. The mother of his son will always be a fixture in his life, despite the romantic relationship between them ending because they created a little person together. Having a new wife and baby doesn't "replace" that fact. Get to know one another and co-parent peacefully!

I think this is a fair compromise. Is anyone saying you have to meet anyone? Why can't your husband just go out and meet with them while you're resting?

And even if you do meet with them, I think you are underestimating what you're capable of—an hour-long meeting just to let this child know his sibling seems small compared to the time you actually get to spend with his father.

You're right, maybe I am being too selfish in this situation. I don't have to meet them, my husband has talked about just going out and meeting them. But his ex isn't going to have a lot of money to do stuff and I feel like my husband will be distracted worrying about making sure they are okay and occupied and get enough of his attention too.

Ok, but you know your husband SHOULD be worried if his son has enough money and what his son is doing. His son is not going to be there with you for months on end. It is a little visit. Think about how you want your own child treated, then consider his son. If you would truly be happy to have your daughter hear from her dad once in a while and see him once a year, then keep the same course. But I don't know ANY mother who would think that was acceptable. And neither would you,so consider his son.

Yes of course. I am trying to consider his son. I just don't understand why we have to do this visit right when the baby comes. I know it's his birthday, but as a 6 year old, is he really going to care if he celebrates a few weeks early or a few weeks later with his dad? I've heard him talk about his birthday and Christmas before and it seems his only concern is what presents he'll be getting.

I have never stepped in the way of him seeing his son and I would never do so for any other reason. I just feel like this is a big enough deal that should be treated as a priority.

A six year old's bday is a big deal to HIM.

It seems like everyone is trying to accommodate you and the birth. Your husband will be there, you will be in the hospital and he can visit with his son. You don't have to visit with them at all, except when they come to the hospital for an hour to see the baby.

Okay, in a year's time when it's your own your daughter's first birthday you are going to understand what the big deal is. Also when your daughter is six ask her if she feels her birthday is a big deal. And if she wants to spend her birthday with her dad.

The reason he's talking about gifts is because he has no relationship with his dad!!!! Hello! Oh and he's six! Kids of that age do that.

Okay, okay. I appreciate the advice that you guys are giving me, but I feel like I'm being attacked here.

I don't know anything about children. I don't know what to expect with my own, let alone this other child.

I have never met this child before. He doesn't know who I am, he doesn't know there is going to be a baby in the picture. While I agree that he should be included and of course meet her as soon as possible, doesn't it seem like maybe not the most appropriate time to do this big introduction right after I've given birth? What if I'm tired or sick, and not very receptive to meeting him. He will pick up on that and it may make things worse in the long run.

You aren't being attacked. Just because no one is agreeing that your husband should shun his son in favor of you ---- isn't an attack.

Because your husband, his ex and their son have figured out a work around that makes everyone happy. Except you and that is because you don't want the work around to happen.

Right now, his son doesn't care who you are. You are the mommy of his new sibling. Period. He won't care a whit about whether you are sick, or tired or cranky. He will spend little or no time in your company. He will be there to celebrate his bday with his daddy. And maybe meet a half sibling.

Just sayin, this will all be very different in a few years from now when you know and understand what to expect from children. And believe me you'll be a mother bear when your child gets treated unfairly. Believe me it will piss you right off. And then you'll know what I meant.

I am not "against you" . I am trying to get you to see what is fair for a six-year-old.

Okay, and is it fair to bring his son into a an entirely new situation with new people who are going to be focused on the baby and not him? I just feel like he won't understand what's going on. And I'm sorry to say this, but right now these people are strangers to me. I don't know how I'm going to feel about them coming into the hospital to visit the baby when I don't even know them myself.

I feel like I have to defend myself here because I feel like I'm coming accross as the bad guy in this situation, when no one is.

And I'm not asking him to shun his son at all. I just don't understand why last year wasn't a big deal at all and now all of a sudden the birthday this year is huge.

Like your husband said he would go out and meet his son. But then you're not sure about that either because you're not sure if there's going to be attention left over.

This is life when people have children with different people.

I'm sure you are concerned for the boy. But I want you to really really examine how you feel. I think you do feel jealous and threatened by him but you just don't want to talk about it.

I don't feel jealous or threatened by his son. I'm not wild about the ex being here visiting, but the son doesn't bother me. I knew my husband was a package deal when I married him and I've always been very supportive and encouraging of their relationship.

Like I mentioned before, I have pushed and pushed to meet this child. I have never come between them and always supported the relationship. But I want this birth to be the focus, I'm going to need my husband 100%. He's really hoping the baby comes early so maybe he'll get his wish and she will and it won't be a big deal. If she wants to come here while I'm giving birth, then of course I expect my husband to go away while I'm resting or while he's kicked out of the ward to visit with them.