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15 years. She's gone. Never felt so bad in my life.


brokenguy

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Never in my life have I felt so much pain, emptiness, and sorrow as I have these last several weeks. Brokenhearted from broken trust. She broke up with me out of the blue. I thought everything was fine. I'm intensely depressed, sad, lost, and lonely. I really thought we would be together forever. I have been blindsided and my hearts been shattered. 15 years together thrown away without even a shred of effort by her to work on whatever was bothering her so much. I would have moved mountains to make her happy. After a couple weeks, I asked for a 2nd chance at us and said that what we have is worth the investment, but she said no. I thought I was strong, but now feeling very weak. Yuck that's not the real me! I suspect she met someone else and left me for him based on what friends say through the grapevine. The intense burning inside just wont go away. My own mind tortures me with thoughts of her with someone else. I want to be with her where I belong. But, I know that can most likely never happen now. Lost, down, feeling like I've been thrown away like garbage by the one I trusted most, my heart is only filled with apathy. I want the pain to stop, but my heart cannot be instantly turned off. I wake up each morning, with little sleep, and have a burn and sense that all is wrong and it just cant be real. Hard to imagine a future without her. Death of loved ones hurts very much, but this is the death of our love and commitments and the future we had envisioned to be definite. I'm in my late 40's and out of my relationship and out of the business we were doing together. Must start from zero on an income. Job? New business? Feeling especially down due to having to move back to my parents house, til I figure things out. Although I know deep down it will all get better and I'll find a new income and new relationship that will hopefully be even better, I'm in the initial blast of the pain and it's quite unbearable. How can someone just leave your without any indication or even try to work things out? If she did leave me for someone else, how unfair is it that she's most likely in a happy honeymoon period, while I suffer like hell. My friends are in shock too and tell me she'll never find someone as wonderful, giving, considerate and thoughtful as me. Wow, now that I've typed that all out I am realizing how many steps my life just took backwards. ouch. I realize that what I just wrote is fragmented, but it's due to my hurt heart and I don't have the strength to go back and polish it. Feeling very lost with a terrible burning inside.

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Hey,

 

Don't worry about how "fragmented" what you wrote is. Sometimes it helps just to get it out. No need to dwell on what you wrote (although I'm sure the emotions continue on, for the time being), but use this and others support as a way to get help and to feel whole again. I know it sounds like an eternity away but it can happen. There are some truly great people on here (some of whom may beat me to even responding first) and others who have been through the pain of divorce, infidelity and even worse heartbreak. I know that doesn't always help on its own but it can be somewhat therapeutic.

 

Much like others, I wish you the best through your trials. Hang in there

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I know it's an unbelievable pain, my wife left after 24 years a year ago ..I was in your shoes.,.no sleep, couldn't eat,,it's a huge adjustment, I spent far too long hoping for reconciliation but after 5-6 months found out there was someone else all along.,.i wished I had known the truth from the start. But.,.it does get better. You just have to adjust. It takes time and everyone is different but the sooner you accept the reality and can let go the sooner you can heal. Good luck, it really sucks but it is survivable, I actually enjoy my solitude now and my freedom to do what I want and not deal with her crap. Let someone else cover her overdrafts and over spending, once u take her off the pedestal and accept she dumped you the better off you will be. Work on yourself and make her regret her decision, that's the best revenge,

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Here for you.

 

I'm still working through it. Everyone is different so try and accept your path. Its the worst thing I have ever had to deal with but I am still here. Just.

 

I can give you some practical ideas later but I think it's too early for you to really do anything. It needs to sink in first and that takes time.

 

Be as kind to yourself as you can just now. Make sure to eat even if you have to force yourself protein shakes. Sleep as best you can. Speak to your doctor if your struggling. Be around people and call on friends. If you feel strong enough get busy, make plans, get outside.

 

Also protect yourself. Both financially and emotionally. Because just now you are vulnerable. I made the mistake of putting my ex first even when we were breaking up and I was used, manipulated and the abuse got worse while I let it. Until I put a stop to it.

 

If you have kids get a contact order NOW.

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When she broke up with me she said she'd still like to be friends, but if I don't want to that's okay. I'm going to see her this Thursday one last time to pick up the last of my belongings. I have a small shred of hope we can rekindle at some point in the future. Am I fooling myself? Should I not say anything pickup my stuff and go? Should I tell her I'm not interested in being friends and am only interested in getting back together or nothing and mention my door is open if she wants to call? Should I just remain friends be amiable and go into no contact mode and go from there? Thanks!

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When she broke up with me she said she'd still like to be friends, but if I don't want to that's okay. I'm going to see her this Thursday one last time to pick up the last of my belongings. I have a small shred of hope we can rekindle at some point in the future. Am I fooling myself? Should I not say anything pickup my stuff and go? Should I tell her I'm not interested in being friends and am only interested in getting back together or nothing and mention my door is open if she wants to call? Should I just remain friends be amiable and go into no contact mode and go from there? Thanks!

 

Retain as much dignity as you can and let her go. No friendship can be currently possible. She fired you as your boyfriend.

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Okay I need to vent. I'm kinda freaking out tonight. Pacing back and forth. Heart racing. I just can't believe this is real. I'm nervous because I'm going to be seeing her tomorrow. I'm hoping for some magical change of heart on her part, but I know that's unrealistic. The reality of this is starting to settle in and I DON'T WANT THIS. It's obvious that I'm madly in love with her, but she's leaving. It's such and incredible feeling of all being WRONG. I want to fix this, but there's nothing that can be fixed. I'm having a terrible time letting go I guess. I just have an all new appreciation for people going through this. The pain and angst is truly truly unbearable. We exchanged some texts earlier, verifying our meeting tomorrow and for a minute I felt comfortable as if she was back. I guess I'm still in the denial and depressed stages. If she really is gone, I want a fast forward button on life, so I don't have to feel this way. Sorry everybody, just freaking out.

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I know the feeling, man. I'm still living in the house we've shared for years. It does get better and that too shall pass. Your mind is your enemy right now. Read up on meditation! Right now is the perfect opportunity to assess what went wrong and what you can do to not make the same mistakes again and grow as a person. One advice: never get attached to somebody like that again. People come and go, that's just how it is.

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Yeah it one of life's cruel tricks.

 

You invest your soul into someone else because you think that's what your supposed to do and they eat it up, take your spirit and then it out.

You should have kept it to yourself but we all do it.

 

You don't need anyone but its going to cause intense pain to get to that place of understanding.

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So yes, we finally met up to exchange stuff. It was a one hour drive for me to get out there. I was just totally numb the whole drive out. What I thought would be about 15 or 20 minutes turned into 4 hours of talking. I thought she'd be in a nasty attitude, but it was calm and amiable. We got a LOT of stuff out of our minds. It was very therapeutic. Although I'm tremendously sad and depressed over this and don't want it, I'm glad we got everything out in the open. I then did what most might not agree with, I gave her a letter, I had written the day before, thanking her for all the wonderful moments we had shared over the past 15 years. Although I feel tremendously hurt at her final action of breaking up out of the blue and feel it was a selfish act and unfair to not even give a chance to fix things, I can't deny all the wonderful times we've shared. After I drove back to where I'm staying now, I'm kinda okay 20% of the day and the other 80% of the day comes the shock and terror feeling and burning inside. Too be honest with myself I'm still holding on, but know I'm going to have to let go to move on sometime soon. It's just so hard and feels so wrong.

 

We were not married. It was a long-term relationship, that I thought would be forever. She had been previously married before we met and did not want to get married again. I mentioned getting married at least four times over the past 15 years, but she said no every time. In retrospect I'm sure glad we were not married or that would have made this separation much worse. As far as we were concerned we were married and had all the same commitments a married couple has, just not legally.

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I only ask because sometimes people refuse marriage because they have doubts about the relationship lasting forever.

 

For some reason, people can live together, have kids together, even buy a house, but commitment to marriage is a whole 'nother thing.

 

And you should read "Uncoupling." She didn't end a 15 year relationship out of the blue. It was a long long time coming.

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I feel like I need to post something and get feedback from anyone who understands what I'm going through. I mean in general, not about a specific issue. My friends out here are starting to get annoyed at me bringing up my sadness over losing my love. It's been about 6 weeks and I'm just sad as can be. Feeling disappointment in her and in myself that we are not still together and thriving happily. Feeling abandoned and discarded. I have a tremendously hard time getting up in the morning, feeling too depressed to get out of bed. Once I finally do, I drink down a liter of water and immediately go for a 1 hour brisk walk. It's the only thing I know to do to release some of the stress. I am sad the whole walk. At least until some brain exercise chemicals come into play and then I feel a tad bit better. To make matters worse the neighborhood I'm living in now is very much a step back in quality form where we had lived together. Some might say its kinda ghetto here. Not real dirt poor bad, but just very low middle class in a deprived bankrupt city. I'd rather not say where. Needless to say it's not helping me to keep my spirits up. I guess I'm wondering is 6 weeks too long to be depressed over a breakup? I'm thinking not, due to our 15 years together. I'm just wanting some advice on what I should be doing and how long this depressed feeling might last. When I get home from my walk I shower and then scour the internet for videos and articles on how to deal with and or overcome heartbreak. Is it unhealthy to spend several hours a day doing this?

 

The other major issue I'm having is letting go. Cant seem to do it. It took me several weeks of staring at Facebook to finally change my status to single and even that was painful. I'm keep holding onto a thread that maybe we can get back to the way it was. I guess you'd all say its denial. Even if we did get back together it could never be the same. So I'm firmly still in shock, denial, and sadness/depression. Have not reached any angry moments yet, but I suppose that maybe when I do finally let go I will get angry. I was so dedicated to her through any thick or thin, that I'm just in disbelief that she bailed without even trying to fix or spice up and repair the relationship. Anyway, enough rambling, I'd be happy to hear from anyone.

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I had an 8 yr relationship end and it took me a solid two months to get over the initial shock. I too walked my lunch hour every day for an hour and promised myself I could cry on the way home from work. Eventually you will get sick and tires of being heartsick and accept it is over and that day marks the first day of healing. Right now you are still grieving. Time heals. Unfortunately there is no fast forward button.

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It's been a year for me and it still hurts some days..after 24 years so we are about in the same boat there. I did the exact same thing you did for a long time..scoured the net for videos, articles, anything to bring some relief. My problem was I spent far too long in a state of false hope about reconciliation. The sooner you accept it's really over the sooner you can really start to heal. The agonizing pain lasted a few months and then when i found out the truth about someone else that was a new kind of hell I wished I had known from the beginning as it set me back. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna take a long time but it DOES get better. Exercise helped me (cardio at the gym) as well as taking up golf again and spending time at the driving range working on my golf shots. My ex still gets in my head sometimes, go as much no contact as possible.

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This site helped me very much too. Read this guide.

Take care! You'll make it!

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I am 1.5 years. Still hurts me because we need to be in contact for our child. Constant pain and issues due to this.

 

Stop scouring the internet. I done the same thing and I can assure you there is nothing that will make it stop. Just keeps you going round in circles.

Plenty to help you grow on there so use it for moving on and ideas how to improve yourself or be happier because believe it or not after this period your going to be the best you have ever been.

 

Keep busy, be around people, exercise as much as you can. Take up hobbies, arrange to meet people, travel, walk, meditate, do martial arts.

 

Read and try and develop as much as you can.

 

Here anytime you want to talk

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She didn't end a 15 year relationship out of the blue. It was a long long time coming.

 

That's a matter of perspective maybe. From my view point it was out of the blue and I was hit like an instant unexpected car crash on the highway. I was fully dedicated to go through thick and thin, ups & downs, sickness and well being with her forever. I expected the same from her and she should have communicated with me any unhappiness and we could have worked it out together. It seems selfish to me to hide your thoughts and communication and just leave without warning. But, that's my perspective. If things were so bad, she had no problem enjoying a nice valentines day that I provided, with a coastal drive in a rented sports car and then a fancy ocean view dinner. Roses, her favorite chocolates, the whole works. One week later she breaks up with me, quite unexpectedly after fifteen years. Ugh! Maybe if I read the Uncoupling book you mention I'll have a new view, but for now it was most certainly out of the blue for me.

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I went through something very similar to you a couple of months ago and I'm a similar age. It will get better, but the first few weeks are really raw and horrible. Initially relax, take long baths etc, then start to take control of the situation with a level head. I would consider telling her that for your own sanity you are going in to no/low contact with her just to preserve your dignity during this period when you could get very emotional and say the wrong sort of things. It's best to be silent for a while rather than say things you may regret, words are best saved for when you're in a more equal headspace and this may take a couple of months. In the meantime eat, sleep, and relax as best you can. No doubt you'll be on the Internet looking at various charlatans stating how to get her back, these people are just financial vampires feeding off unhappiness. The one thing I did find distracting was on YouTube though, a guy called Corey Wayne who has loads of quite funny relationship videos to watch, I played these on a loop and it really helped me get to a more resilient frame of mind. Just pick yourself up, and rebuild your new life as a more independent and experienced version of you and put yourself first. Good luck.

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I just went through my first moment of anger. All my hurt feelings finally just hit me and expressed themselves. I decided to try something I saw in a video and write a journal of what I'd say to her if she was here now, in front of me, and not hold back any feelings. It started out nice, but quickly I realized what she's done to us and it turned into extreme anger regarding her selfishness, uncaring, and mistreatment of me. All the negativity that she has. Throw me out like garbage? After all I've done for you? I deserve better, because I'm good and righteous and full of love. Turned into about a full page of lots of cussing and angry words. Kinda surprised myself but it was a healthy outlet and I feel I've taken a baby step forward.

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In my 5mo relationship, I asked her at the end when I was blindsided how long she had been thinking of breaking up, and she said a month. So 1/5 of our relationship felt like a lie to me. In your case it was probably a longer period of doubt on her part. But think about it: even stating as much as "I'm thinking about breaking up" is going to change the entire relationship - possibly forever. Even just bringing it up could mean the end. So I don't think people tend to say it until they actually mean it. They stay in the existing pattern and hope that the feeling goes away - they may even try harder to make the relationship work, hoping that it's just a phase. So yeah, of course she is going to go through the motions on valentines - in hopes that the great valentines day will take the ammo out of the gun she keeps trying not to load. But if she tries harder and the feeling doesn't go away... from your perspective it looks completely insane! You were even more in love with me than ever, and then you just want to break up!?

 

If it's not meant to last 16 years, it's not meant to last 16 years. An earlier warning is always nice - but you would still have been blindsided.

 

You are doing well brokenguy. It is a lot of time to throw away. It sounds like she is not treating you too badly after, it's a small comfort maybe, but you should see some of the stories people have of how people can turn on you. The anger can be helpful, because part of the loss is thinking that you have lost something really amazing and irreplaceable - which is true in a sense, but false in that there are a lot of things about her and your relationship that were actually not so amazing. And even without her, YOU can be amazing and find in yourself and your life ways to fill the emptiness that work as well as she did.

 

Ultimately, it sounds like she never was as fully committed to the relationship as you were, and you just were not able to see it, or she was good about convincing you otherwise. Be strong in the fact that you were able to devote as much of yourself as you did, even though in the end perhaps she wasn't worth that devotion. You will slowly reclaim the pieces of yourself that you feel you have lost, and you may find new pieces you didn't know were there. Good luck in your journey - 20% feeling OK after 6 weeks is pretty good I think. But don't worry so much about how long the process takes. It takes how long it takes, whatever that means for you.

 

Hugs.

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I'm realizing I need to thank everyone here so much. I'm going though hell and you guys are there for me with amazing words of wisdom, experience, and encouragement. I'm a stranger and you don't even know me, yet you are willing to listen and give feedback. I appreciate and have so much gratitude for you all. Thank you.

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