Had enough after 6 years - help appreciated

Hello, and thank you for reading this

I’m having a bit of a rough time right now.

I’ve known my ex-girlfriend for about 6 years. We have broken up once before, 4 years ago, for 3 months. She ended it then, but then she re-established contact, and stupidly, I caved.

We have a long-distance relationship, she lives 2 states (about 3 hours) away.

She has a horrible past, with childhood molestation, and her father dying when she was 9, foster homes too. This does seem to reflect in her behavior. She is codependent, rude, irritable, dismissive. She has a history of being abusive to me. I’m probably the most stable people emotionally in the world (when not in a breakup!). I treat people 100x better than they treat me. With her, it’s the opposite. She rarely even reciprocates gifts, which I never complain about. I tolerated her abuse for the most part, and just try and ignore it, because I didn’t want to go through a breakup.

You might wonder why I want to be with someone like this, and I wonder the exact same thing.

Last week she came over to visit me (we usually see eachother about once every 3 months). I was really, really looking forward to this trip. I recently have been making a lot of money, so we could do literally anything we wanted. Our trip was supposed to last 6 days, it lasted 3. The first day, it was fantastic. We shopped (I bought her a bunch of gifts and myself some clothes), we got a lobster dinner, and we saw a movie. It was when we arrived back at the hotel, that something was off with her. She was extremely upset that I “walked too far ahead of her” when coming into the hotel. I admit that I did do this, and it was inconsiderate, but it caused her to act cold and rude toward me for the entire night. We went to sleep without saying a friendly word to one another. I was really annoyed that something so trivial ruined our first night.

The next day, she was very irritable. Keep in mind, she has a long history of this, irritability (and with her, there is no “little deal”; she’s either apathetic or obsessive over trivial events). I really pressured her to tell me why she was acting so incredibly rude and cold. She finally said it was because she was homesick. I offered her support on that, and she even asked if it would be alright if she went home a day earlier, and I said it would be fine.

The day after that (our final day), we went to Atlantic City to gamble (using only my money, which I never complained about). We lost all the money pretty quickly, so we ate there, went home. We went to a restaurant later, and then went bowling. On the way home from bowling I suggested that we go get some ice cream or something, because it was still early and I really didn’t want to go back to the hotel to watch TV for 3 hours straight (I hate TV, she’s addicted to it; she knows I’m not interested in TV, but she was watching a hell of a lot of it the entire trip). She refused to get ice cream, or anything else (she never does things I want to do). This seriously ing pissed me off. I shut down and was inside my own head for like an hour. She has done this many times in the past, but this time was different, I’ve never felt such a repulsion to her and her personality. I wanted to be away from her as soon as possible. When we got back to the hotel, I listened to some music on my computer for awhile, and then I told her that I’m miserable, and I’d prefer if she drove me home and to end the trip now. She said she wouldn’t drive me home that night, but would the next day, and she would just go home. I said I’ll just take a taxi, because I really did not want to spend the night with her. When she realized I actually wanted to leave, she got very upset and went into a shock. I started to feel sorry for her, and tried to talk to her, thinking maybe we could talk it out, instead of me leaving. I tried again to get her to say why she has such a difficult time showing me respect, and she said because I’m not a “man” in terms of personal responsibility (I have a history of being lazy about taking care of my personal business, which she has known about since she’s known me). She also mentioned how I walked ahead of her the first night, and said that my "abandoning her proves that I'm not a man". I think this was a cop-out. When she sensed that I was weakening on leaving, she started to tell me to go. So I left, and took a cab home.

When I got home, I literally threw away my phone, cancelled my email and deleted my facebook. Not because I didn’t want her to contact me, but because I knew that this was the end, or should be, and I didn’t want to be constantly wondering if she’s trying to contact me. When we broke up before, I was always looking at my phone and facebook, and it made it so much more difficult for me. Another reason why I know that it really needed to end soon is that I will be starting medical school soon, and she wanted to move with me wherever I went; I knew this was impossible and would probably result in me getting thrown out of med school. She distracts me from school, she is more concerned with her own life than my schoolwork. I know I couldn’t have that in med school. Also, she wanted an engagement within the next 2 years, and I know I could never marry someone like her.

Anyway, I’m wondering if you guys think I acted too rash, or should have done something differently. I keep questioning my actions. I still feel like I want to talk to her, probably because I’ve talked to her almost everyday for about 6 years. I'm afraid about her finding someone else, even though logically I know I need to move on.

Also why do you think I wanted to be with someone like this? Do you think I have self-esteem issues?

Thank you so much for reading, you guys are true heros and sorry for the length. I can't see how to condense it

I think that for someone so smart, you have allowed this toxic mess into your life for far too long.

Buy a new phone and focus on your future. Your past with her should stay that way.

You're miserable so why continue. Love isn't always enough to sustain a relationship. It has to be there of course, but respect, mutual interests and goals, sexual compatibility etc. all have to be there.

Sometimes, even if people care about each other, it just can't work.

Next time, be a little bit more discerning in who you choose.

In a similiar situation as you, been together with my g/f almost 7 years and have "put up" with the abuse - I read the title of your post and body, and can say you nearly mimic what Im thinking.

My decision is to end it. It'lll be super weird at first, but I hope things will turn up.

She has issues she needs to work on. Don't feel guilty and question your decision. You did the right thing. You know that you can't spend the rest of your life with a woman like that. So it's time to just focus on yourself.

No worries. We've all made decisions to be with people that were not right for us.

 

Also why do you think I wanted to be with someone like this? Do you think I have self-esteem issues?

 

I think that's an extremely complicated question. You would have to do some serious introspection to get the answer, and even then you still might not get it. But you stated in your post that she abused you, and you stayed. That's pretty serious.

Maybe look into your past. What was your own family like? What other relationships have you had? Were those abusive?

You state that you are one of the most emotionally stable people at the beginning of your post. Don't fool yourself...the rest of your post contradicts your statement...quite a bit in fact. I think you have self respect issues. I think you what to be a care giver, but at the same time you are depend on others and especially toxic people. your interaction with her sounds like it would suck the soul out of any self-respecting person. In fact anyone that respects themselves would not put up with this for 6 years. You need to wake up and focus on yourself. Don't wallow in such a miserable existence. Live life man!!!

I agree with all the posters here. She's had a terrible past, granted, but that doesn't mean that you should saddle yourself up with her and her problems. You have bent over backwards (and then some) to please her in every way possible and she doesn't reciprocate. Really? She needs to grow up. In fact, it seems that she goes out of her way to make you miserable. Plus, I think she's manipulative, rude and unappreciative. You don't need this bull and stress in your life. She will ruin you. Don't let that happen, dude!

IMO, I don't think you have self-esteem issues. I simply think that you genuinely cared and loved her and you were hoping that, one day, she would snap out of it. Six years! Enough. You know deep in your heart that she is not going to change.

Please do yourself a favour and leave her. Perhaps you've stayed so long in this toxic relationship because you thought that you could help/change her. As a future physician, you probably consider yourself a healer, so you gave it your all. Now STOP, and take care of yourself!! You are embarking on a long, hard but very rewarding career. You need to keep your head on straight.

With all your wonderful qualities, you will find a soul mate who will love the caring, loving, considerate and thoughtful person you are. Best of luck to you in medical school, dude!

She possibly has a personality disorder....like borderline. I know from experience...me. You mentioned her bringing up abandonment. That's the number one quality. And having someone walk ahead of you...hahaha...no big deal to MOST people, but with people who have mental/personality probs....kicks in that ...OMG he's ignoring me...etc. etc. I'm sure she has lots of highs and lows....moods change just like that....and i could go on and on....

People get sucked in because when they are GREAT....these people can be super fun, super good in bed....your dream woman. But as time goes on, they get more abusive...verbally first. Can get physical, if you allow it.

Your time has run it's course. Let her go. You will never win....or find happiness. You both need help. You for allowing this to happen for so long...and her...cuz she's a mess.....good luck!

I think that for someone so smart, you have allowed this toxic mess into your life for far too long.

 

Buy a new phone and focus on your future. Your past with her should stay that way.

Thank you, i plan to!

You're miserable so why continue. Love isn't always enough to sustain a relationship. It has to be there of course, but respect, mutual interests and goals, sexual compatibility etc. all have to be there.

 

Sometimes, even if people care about each other, it just can't work.

 

Next time, be a little bit more discerning in who you choose.

yes I agree, I will choose more carefully next time xD

In a similiar situation as you, been together with my g/f almost 7 years and have "put up" with the abuse - I read the title of your post and body, and can say you nearly mimic what Im thinking.

 

My decision is to end it. It'lll be super weird at first, but I hope things will turn up.

glad to see that you can relate to this (unfortunately )

She has issues she needs to work on. Don't feel guilty and question your decision. You did the right thing. You know that you can't spend the rest of your life with a woman like that. So it's time to just focus on yourself.

 

No worries. We've all made decisions to be with people that were not right for us.

Thank you!

I think that's an extremely complicated question. You would have to do some serious introspection to get the answer, and even then you still might not get it. But you stated in your post that she abused you, and you stayed. That's pretty serious.

 

Maybe look into your past. What was your own family like? What other relationships have you had? Were those abusive?

I don't really know of any abusive relationships in my past. maybe my mother - she is very verbally abusive. Other than that, my dad left home when I was 6, but not sure if that has anything to do with it.

You state that you are one of the most emotionally stable people at the beginning of your post. Don't fool yourself...the rest of your post contradicts your statement...quite a bit in fact. I think you have self respect issues. I think you what to be a care giver, but at the same time you are depend on others and especially toxic people. your interaction with her sounds like it would suck the soul out of any self-respecting person. In fact anyone that respects themselves would not put up with this for 6 years. You need to wake up and focus on yourself. Don't wallow in such a miserable existence. Live life man!!!

Well what I should have said is that when I'm not with her I'm extremely emotionally stable (at least I think I am). but yea I agree, my actions would suggest that i'm not very emotionally stable. and yes I agree with everything else, I think I must have some sort of self respect issue to allow this relationship for so long

I agree with all the posters here. She's had a terrible past, granted, but that doesn't mean that you should saddle yourself up with her and her problems. You have bent over backwards (and then some) to please her in every way possible and she doesn't reciprocate. Really? She needs to grow up. In fact, it seems that she goes out of her way to make you miserable. Plus, I think she's manipulative, rude and unappreciative. You don't need this bull and stress in your life. She will ruin you. Don't let that happen, dude!

 

IMO, I don't think you have self-esteem issues. I simply think that you genuinely cared and loved her and you were hoping that, one day, she would snap out of it. Six years! Enough. You know deep in your heart that she is not going to change.

 

Please do yourself a favour and leave her. Perhaps you've stayed so long in this toxic relationship because you thought that you could help/change her. As a future physician, you probably consider yourself a healer, so you gave it your all. Now STOP, and take care of yourself!! You are embarking on a long, hard but very rewarding career. You need to keep your head on straight.

 

With all your wonderful qualities, you will find a soul mate who will love the caring, loving, considerate and thoughtful person you are. Best of luck to you in medical school, dude!

Wow what an amazing post. thank you very much.

She possibly has a personality disorder....like borderline. I know from experience...me. You mentioned her bringing up abandonment. That's the number one quality. And having someone walk ahead of you...hahaha...no big deal to MOST people, but with people who have mental/personality probs....kicks in that ...OMG he's ignoring me...etc. etc. I'm sure she has lots of highs and lows....moods change just like that....and i could go on and on....

 

People get sucked in because when they are GREAT....these people can be super fun, super good in bed....your dream woman. But as time goes on, they get more abusive...verbally first. Can get physical, if you allow it.

 

Your time has run it's course. Let her go. You will never win....or find happiness. You both need help. You for allowing this to happen for so long...and her...cuz she's a mess.....good luck!

Yes she's exactly like that. always accusing me of ignoring her, taking the most trivial thing very personally. She did go to a psychiatrist a few times and he diagnosed her with anxiety disorder, nothing more. She was a bit better when on the anxiety meds, but she stopped because she said that they're potentially dangerous for her health, despite the doctor telling her she can continue (I think she just prefers to feel angry).

Thanks so much for all your replies, it's extremely helpful. I'm setting up contacts with a therapist and psychiatrist to see if I have something going on with my self respect/self esteem which they can help.

Best advice I can give you...

If youre planning on going to medical school.. no relationships... med school is hard enough without having to worry about a relationship on top of it. My aunt is a doctor. 8 years in med school to get her PhD. She stayed single the whole time, had a few flings here or there but as soon as they started looking to get serious she ended it, I asked her why and she said Med school was stressful enough on her own emotions she didnt want to drag another person along with her.

She met her husband during her residency - dated casually for a year until graduation, officially for 2 years, married now for 10 years.

Best advice I can give you...

 

If youre planning on going to medical school.. no relationships... med school is hard enough without having to worry about a relationship on top of it. My aunt is a doctor. 8 years in med school to get her PhD. She stayed single the whole time, had a few flings here or there but as soon as they started looking to get serious she ended it, I asked her why and she said Med school was stressful enough on her own emotions she didnt want to drag another person along with her.

 

She met her husband during her residency - dated casually for a year until graduation, officially for 2 years, married now for 10 years.

yeah trust me I know. it's one of the reasons I knew I was eventually going to have to end it. she drains me in the classes I'm currently in, which is like 1/4th as hard as med school will be

She needs therapy like there's no tomorrow, but will likely never get it as long as other people give her a pass with the whole "abuse excuse" and let her be abusive.

While yes, it's true abusive personalities often come from abusive backgrounds, there are just as many if not more people in similar situations, who are not abusive and they go out of their way to treat others better than they were ever treated. Her actions are a choice and yes if she wanted to change them, if she suddenly found herself in a situation where she was shunned for mistreating others, she would possible choose to change them.

Frankly, you are codependent on her and an enabler by putting up with her abuses and not simply dumping her out of your life. She will never change, because she has no reason to change--you put up with it after all, so why should she. Suggest you go get therapy to understand why you need to have someone abusive to you in your life. It's not love causing this, it's not.

I think that's an extremely complicated question. You would have to do some serious introspection to get the answer, and even then you still might not get it. But you stated in your post that she abused you, and you stayed. That's pretty serious.

 

Maybe look into your past. What was your own family like? What other relationships have you had? Were those abusive?

This.

You keep shutting down when you're not comfortable in discussing issues. That's a big one. I can see that you didn't want to engage her in verbal abuse, thereby not communicating with her. You need to be able to express yourself and not allow others to talk down on you. Stick around and read some material on here. Purchase some literature on relationships as well. Many good examples on the board, if you look around.

I don't really know of any abusive relationships in my past. maybe my mother - she is very verbally abusive. Other than that, my dad left home when I was 6, but not sure if that has anything to do with it.

Yeah, it has a lot to do with it. You either took on or were inappropriately given the burden of stepping up to be the man of your household to a nasty Mom. You're playing that out by accepting this relationship.

Consider working with a therapist to help you make the transition away from this woman and to work out the unconscious stuff that may otherwise have you involving yourself with another woman like this.

I think you'd be wise to stay out of contact with your ex and keep your focus forward.

Head high.

Yea I agree with everything you said. her poor past explains her behavior but does not excuse it. I am definitely codependent on her. I hope time will take care of that. I'm making contacts to see a therapist now. I'm really going to try and make that work

Yeah it was really difficult to discuss issues with her. She would get extremely defensive and eventually just be dismissive. And yea I do plan to stick around here. Some great people on this forum thankfully

yea I'm not really sure exactly what affect my past has had on me, it's unconscious if anything, it doesn't actively bother me. I don't plan on ever contacting her. If she contacts me somehow, I hope I have the strength to ignore it.

yea I'm not really sure exactly what affect my past has had on me, it's unconscious if anything, it doesn't actively bother me.

Sure it does, it's actively kept you in a mess for 6 years--what could be more active than that? A healthy person walks away from the first mistreatment, they don't stick around to complain about it for years.

I don't plan on ever contacting her. If she contacts me somehow, I hope I have the strength to ignore it.

She's developed 6 years worth of expertise in how to bait you. So when she contacts you to lay accusations and blame on you, consider the actual value of responding to defend yourself--it's a trap. Also consider that she's just as likely to use the tactic of apology, she's got zero to lose if you're already gone. So before considering that, remind yourself that you can never get any of your wasted time back again--so how much more of your life to you want to waste with this person?

I'd also consider any exchange of valuables as something that can be done through shipping rather than meeting, and if she won't send yours, write it off as tuition for the most valuable gift you can possibly give yourself--liberation.

Head high.

Thanks for your input

I cancelled my phone, email and facebook so I don't even know how she would contact me. I think I've sent her emails from my school email, but she's not the type to research. I doubt she wants to contact me anyway - remember - she feels like I "abandoned her". Or maybe that was just another manipulation that night to get me to feel guilty. It didn't work. I know I didn't abandon her; she abandoned me by sending over her rude, cold personality, instead of the person I fell in love with. She's pretty good at buying her own bull. Hopefully soon I won't give a care what she's thinking or doing.

the likelihood of her contacting you is very high. Do not forget that the first time she also broke up with you and then came back. She will find you. Sooner or later you will get a new phone. She will know the number through friends or something. She will show up at your school. She knows where you live. Do not trick yourself - she has all avenues to appear in your life again.

You need to work up a determination to stay resilient under pressure. I hope you will liberate yourself from this mess.

She is toxic and is bad for your health.

the likelihood of her contacting you is very high. Do not forget that the first time she also broke up with you and then came back. She will find you. Sooner or later you will get a new phone. She will know the number through friends or something. She will show up at your school. She knows where you live. Do not trick yourself - she has all avenues to appear in your life again.

 

You need to work up a determination to stay resilient under pressure. I hope you will liberate yourself from this mess.

 

She is toxic and is bad for your health.

Thanks, I really appreciate your input. I'm putting all of my focus into myself now. I had my first therapist appointment today which went very well. I want her out of my life forever.

I had my first therapist appointment today which went very well. I want her out of my life forever.

And you don't want to find another one like her.

Catfeeder's advice to dig into your experience with your mother was not just because of your now-ex gf. It's because dealing with a female parent like that set you up to play out your issues with women in romantic relationships. You mention recognizing that, and justify it as "well, it's not conscious". I don't think you're getting that makes it even more concerning; your subconscious is choosing your mates, not your conscious. Your subconscious chose your ex because she is verbally abusive and needs a caretaker. Early on, she gave off signals of these things, and it drew you in because her issues - which you hadn't noticed consciously - felt familiar.

The solution to break free from dating versions of your mother is to work with your therapist to heal the pain you are still carrying around from having a mother who didn't raise you with loving concern and support. If you don't deal with the issues with your mom, if you blow it off and say that it doesn't matter because it's in the past, you are doing yourself a great disservice. It could not be more clear that you are selecting toxic women to try to heal wounds left over from your experience with your mother.

If you keep running from what you need to confront, and keep trying to use logic to say that everything is a-ok with you, you'll wonder one day how you ended up with yet another crazy girlfriend.

Thanks for your input

I'm trying my best to be 100% honest with myself. Maybe there is a serious issue caused by the fact that my mother is verbally abusive. All I'm saying is I don't consciously perceive the effect.

In any case, I won't be seeking another girlfriend until I'm in a far more comfortable position. Luckily the girls in medicine for the most part have their heads screwed on straight. I'll definitely be paying attention to the red flags, which I ignored all of with this girl

Luckily the girls in medicine for the most part have their heads screwed on straight.

...Yeah, that's my field. I can tell you that there are unbalanced people in every profession. Be cautious, because they do tend to be drawn to the 'helper' professions more than others. In medicine, there are a higher proportion of narcissists, those from entitled backgrounds who have never heard the word "no", and extremely competitive people who will not hesitate to use you to further their goals.

You are driven by logic and are entirely uncomfortable with emotions or acknowledging that you're capable of being driven by your emotions. You also mistakenly believe that women in a setting that is academically difficult will be driven by logic and therefore "superior" (by your definition). It is not the promise land of logic and emotional balance that you imagine it to be.

"Logic = good" is a fallacy that you're going to continually run into in your personal life. Examine your beliefs if you want to grow as a person.

I appreciate your input, but the bolded portions of your post are false. I've long recognized emotion to be a key issue with me, and realize how important it is for me to control.

I don't consider women who aren't in a vigorous academic setting to be inferior to women who are in any respect.

I do think logic is good, but it is not the defining factor of good in a relationship of course

I was only speaking to my own personal experience with respect to women in medicine for the most part being easier to have a relationship with. It's just my observation over 4-5 years of interacting with people in science/medicine; maybe it would statistically suggested to be false. I wouldn't bet against or on it.