How could he leave me after surgery?

My ex and I were together for eight years. During this time I supported him financially and emotionally. Although I had a more difficult job and would come home much later than he did, I still acted like a housewife. I would cook all his meals, clean the house, wash his clothes etc.

Then we decided to both do graduate degrees, but unfortunately we got into schools that were in different states. It was difficult trying to maintain a long-distance relationship but it was for the long haul so we were willing to make it work.

About a year ago I developed a debilitating illness that ultimately resulted in me having to get surgery. The surgery would leave me incapacitated for six weeks and as a result I had to take a leave of absence from my graduate program. I lost all my funding and was unemployed. Luckily, my mother was willing to come up and help with my recovery for the first two weeks and my ex would take care of me for the remainder of the time.

After the surgery, I was very depressed, which led my ex told me to "suck it up". This got me upset and we had an argument. After the argument, he refused to answer my calls and ignored my texts.

It has been three weeks and my mother has left and I am all alone. He has not attempted to contact me or check on me. I am usually better at breakups, but it is hard if you can barely walk.

Is it wrong of me to expect that someone who claimed to love me to try and check on me. Yes, we argued, but shouldn't he at least be worried about my well being?

I am confused.

welcome to ENA.

first off, i am really sorry to hear about the surgery. I hope you get better soon and return to your studies soon as well. Unfortunately, a lot of men run when it comes to the caretaker role - there have been studies showing that women with cancer are far more likely to be left by their husbands than men with cancer being left by their wives. The upshot is that you found this out now before you married him. Good riddance. If this is how he acts, you don't need him at all. stay strong.

Sounds like he's being a . After all you two have been through and then he runs away like that.

No it isn't wrong of you. Of course you would want your partner to help you through this tough time. He is being an ar$e ... but then again this this is the same man who has let you cook for him, clean up after him and wash his clothes for X amount of years despite you BOTH working.

There is a chance that the distance was beginning to take it's toll on the relationship and he is using the argument as an easy - albeit extremely cowardly - exit from the relationship. Whatever the reason, this guy doesn't haven't the compassion needed to offer you the support you've shown him all these years. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now but you are better off without this guy. It doesn't sound like he brought much to the relationship in terms of either emotional or financial support anyway.

Hope you feel better soon .... both physically and emotionally.

He sounds like a selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, pompous, self-centered son ** * *****. He's had it too good with you. A relationship is taking and giving. He just took and took and took. It's unfortunate that you gave so much to him when he gave you so little. I am truly so sorry that he's left you in your time of need. If he were a person with a good heart, he would not have left you. And, yes, he should have had the common courtesy to check and see how you are doing. What a pathetic example of a human being (sorry).

I hope you recover from your emotional and physical wounds. I hope that time lessens your heartache. Stay strong, and I wish you the best of luck with your studies.

Yes, it's extremely wrong of him. My suspicion is he loved you when you were taking care of him, but having to take care of you--not so much. Consider he's shown his true colors when the going gets tough and that this is why it wouldn't have worked. People who are there only when their needs are met and it's all good are not people who genuinely have your back.

I know this is a rough time for you, but it's time to block and delete him. And maybe learn that in the future you might not want to play total housewife to someone if they aren't doing something in return for you of equal value. I'm not talking money, I'm talking about caring for you the same way you care for them. If you were doing all the housework and cleaning and holding down a job, just exactly what was he doing in return? That's what you need to watch for, because you want equality--not slavery or a one-way street. It's true 1950s housewives did all that, but the men also worked while the women stayed home all day and raised their children. This doesn't even sound like you had that.

This may be a time to look out and see if there are support groups in your area and also to get some help for your depression, although it sounds to me like that was more just situational to the fact you've just had surgery and that alone is traumatic. It's not something someone with empathy wouldn't have been able to handle and understand, which again sort of points to the fact there is a problem, a really big one, with him. I think as time goes on you'll start to see there were red flags all along there.

Post here whenever you want, lean on family and friends, go NC and heal and honestly if he comes back around after you're better I'd toss him out the door since then you will have total proof he's a fairweather (bleep) only.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. It is really hard being alone and it is comforting to hear your support. What confuses me is that he was there for the surgery. He slept in the room with me every day I was in hospital. So him just blocking me now out just confuses me

Wow, you must be reeling with all that has happened to you. That's really a tough set of knocks. Are you able to take care of your basics such as shopping, laundry, and cooking? Can you get an aide of some type if not, or even a friend to at least get groceries?

I think you have to consider your own needs right now. It sucks your guy isn't there for you. One good thing is that you won't be getting stuck with someone who you take care of, because you are going to be very busy getting your health back and resuming your graduate program and catching up with all that work you had to put off. You need all your time and energy right now to take care of yourself. Buh-bye taker dude.

I can barely walk so I can't really do anything for myself. I want to get an aide but I really can't afford it. That's what hurts me the most. I helped him so much when he had exams and research. I would, in the middle of my graduate program, get up on the weekends and cook for him and carry it to a different state and freeze it for him. I feel like this is a poor reflection on me because I was stupid to do those things for him. I am a good looking girl, funny and smart, but I acted as if I was desperate. At the time, I thought that was what people in relationships do, look out for each other. The fact that he knows that I cannot help myself and he, my boyfriend of 8 years, does not worry about my basic well-being hurts me to my core. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me and why he didn't break up with me a long time ago. I guess he used me until he didn't need me anymore. I feel so bad about the situation and I am afraid both not being able to help myself and my emotional state will adversely affect my recovery from the surgery.

Thanks guys. I appreciate the support. It is really hard being alone and it is comforting to hear your support. What confuses me is that he was there for the surgery. He slept in the room with me every day I was in hospital. So him just blocking me now out just confuses me

OK, now you really have me confused as well. I am still of the opinion that he is a son ** * ***** for leaving you in your time of need but perhaps he's freaked out by what he saw at the hospital and was overwhelmed by it. Again, I am NOT condoning his horrible behaviour, but I've known guys who are just freaked out by hospitals. Perhaps he will realise how thoughtless he's being at some point. That said, he's still a p**** for leaving. I will say that you were too good to him and he took full advantage of that. He sounds like a spoiled brat. But, I will also say that you went overboard with him (sorry).

I wish you a speedy recovery. A few years ago, I was on crutches for five months after my surgery. I can empathise with you. Sending you a big hug.

Thanks Goddess for your honest opinion. Not trying to make excuses for him but he did say that hospitals and illness freak him out. I am definitely going to use this time to focus on myself. I haven't done that for a long time. I am done with him because I think it is a toxic relationship and I think he has some issues to deal with as well. But I think in time I will be able to forgive him and myself.

Sounds like a plan! Sometimes when we are in a particular situation we are unable to see clearly. It's after something unfortunate happens (like his leaving); it's then that we become acutely aware of what was wrong.

Again, best of luck to you, dear girl.

I can barely walk so I can't really do anything for myself. I want to get an aide but I really can't afford it.

Contact the hospital and ask to speak with a case worker, and explain what happened. They should be able to hook you up with a volunteer group.

(((Holding you in my thoughts.)))

Thanks catfeeder

Do you have friends in your area that you could ask to help you out during this time? I don't mean like daily help, but even if you could get a few friends who each came by once or twice a month to help you do things around the house, that would be a help.

I have asked for their help, but honestly I am tired of explaining why my ex isn't taking care of me. Depresses me all over again.

Ex has contacted me. Says that he wants to come and check up on me. I haven't responded. What should I do?

I would, in the middle of my graduate program, get up on the weekends and cook for him and carry it to a different state and freeze it for him. I feel like this is a poor reflection on me because I was stupid to do those things for him. .

Doing good for someone never makes one stupid. It was very sweet of you and is a good reflection on you as it is a bad reflection on him how he treated you when you needed him. Take time healing, both physically and emotionally and look ahead, not back. Good luck!

Ex has contacted me. Says that he wants to come and check up on me. I haven't responded. What should I do?

Ask him what took him so long first. Maybe he realized he's been a duck. (And, no, I don't mean duck.) But maybe he's hoping to absolve his guilt.

Ex has contacted me. Says that he wants to come and check up on me. I haven't responded. What should I do?

Do you want to see him?

I don't want to make the wrong choice. Right now I am weak and lonely. I don't want to let him in to fill that void and end up being hurt again

I don't want to make the wrong choice. Right now I am weak and lonely. I don't want to let him in to fill that void and end up being hurt again

You may be getting ahead of yourself. He asked to stop by...he hasn't offered a reconciliation.

As mentioned, it may simply be to relieve his guilt. Not attempt to fill a void.

You may be getting ahead of yourself. He asked to stop by...he hasn't offered a reconciliation.

As mentioned, it may simply be to relieve his guilt. Not attempt to fill a void.

Yet another reason not to meet with him. I don't think I am mentally ready.