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It is very painful, I still live with the hope that he will come back


BalticGirl

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Hi All,

 

I am not usually much into posting on forums like that, but I think I just need an advice from people I dont know- I feel drained with all friends comments and advises

I feel very pathetic, I really do. Here I am. 28 year old girl with successful carrier, and maybe not Miss World, but really looking after myself (gym, food, beauty…)

 

Here I am, after 3 weeks of break up with the guy I was seeing for only 4 months (I know this sounds even more ridiculous) still crying and not being able to enjoy life.

 

I have to say- I had the most beautiful 4 month of my life seeing this guy- we did all the nice things we both really enjoyed. One BAD day, where everything just seemed wrong (work, family issues), he also cancelled our date on Friday, which I was so looking forward to due to work event. I failed, I put all my anger on him until I pissed him off. I was wrong and realized this next morning, went back apologizing by texts, calls and eventually went to meet him by his office with tears in my eyes, saying how sorry I was.

 

He was stressed working like crazy for nearly 3-4 weeks. It seemed OK, but not completely. I knew he had a friend visit that weekend so I was not supposed to see him either Sat or Sunday. But still tried. Being very annoying went on and on and on with my texts trying to meet him at least for lunch. Eventually he said he is not sure about all this thing- “getting too much- work & stress”.

 

I asked to meet him and talk in person, so we did. He seemed very depressed and tired from work (only could come and meet me for 20 mins and had to go back to work), we had a calm chat, I offered him Space and some time off, but he said he does not need this. That week we were supposed to spend Valentines weekend together. I had cinema tickets and dinner table booked. When I texted him a day after our chat- he said he had another day in hell at work and he doubt he can deal with work and relationship at the moment, his mood is really down now. Me trying with the last hope to fix the situation, still asking to go to cinema and have some proper time together, and if he doesn’t feel like it after that, I would back off. He said he will confirm tomorrow, maybe will have some better sleep. No we did not go to the cinema or dinner- he said he can’t enjoy anything at the moment and he is really sorry.

 

I asked him if we can still have some time together, he said right now he only feels like getting some good rest which is not even possible.

I was never a naive girl, always had a feeling when something wasn't going right. Never had one here. I was never a needy girl, it was enough for me to see him during the weekend- I have a lot of my life too. I have never pushed him to anything- he was the one sending me post card while being abroad.

 

But now, after so many advises I am totally lost. I feel very down and lost absolutely all of my confidence.

 

Lots of my friends are telling me he will come back, he will realize. But maybe all this situation was just an excuse to break up? Maybe there is someone else. Hard to believe that though…

 

I am angry at myself that I feel this way. Last our relationship week, he wasn't treating me properly.

I would love to hear some advice from guys (of course girls too). Can stree really be the cause to end the relationship when we were this much in love?

 

Many Thanks in advance

 

BalticGirl

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I have never, not only once, throughout the years, seen a guy respond positively to his girlfriend being clingy, begging to see him, and being sent walls of texts. It just screams neediness, and most guys run away from it. Nobody wants their partner's world to revolve around them to that extent, and most healthy people would prefer that their partners had interests of their own, and that they are given their space, especially when dealing with stress. The best way to push a guy away is to keep asking to see him, especially when he doesn't look all that available.

 

Having said that, I get the feeling from your post that this guy wasn't as invested in you to begin with. He refused to spend Valentine's with you, and you yourself said that towards the end he wasn't treating you well. You were much more invested in this, while he was pretty casual about it.

 

To answer your question, no, stress by itself cannot end a relationship, if the partners truly love each other. But the way it's dealt with can. In all fairness, the guy asked you for space, and you refused to give it to him. Couples who are truly in love may be able to work through it; unfortunately, given the fact that your guy doesn't sound all that invested, I'm afraid you pushed him away for good.

But who knows, he may reconsider things. Your best bet is to back off completely, and let him come to you. Don't put your life on hold though, waiting for that to happen, because honestly I have doubts he will. Move on, and if and when he decides to contact you again, you can decide then what you want to do.

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Hi Greta

 

Thanks a lot for the reply. I must admit- deep inside I very much agree with with what you are saying. Yes, I can accross as needy girl. The reason for that was me being scared of the situation.

I must say- I was never a needy one, I always had my life and many things going on there. For those past 4 month he was my priority.

On the other hand he is 30 year old- didn't he have a situation similar to this before? It's a reaction of weak moment isn't it?

When I talked about space- it was me coming to him and offering that. I said I am ready to leave him alone and give some space if he needs that. The answer to that was no, I dont need this. And the last time we met we had a calm chat, I explained why I reacted like I did, and he said he know why I did this.

Going through all this, I read tones of advices online, of what would be the right way to approach your ex again after some time (given at least 30 days) not of those have really convinced me to be honest. But I still would want to have coffee and hear about what had really happen at some point.

Regarding your point that he wasn't invested in me and thought of more casual thing- this is were I also have doubts (not trying to bring situation to better side though)I was the one finding excuses not to be FB friends yet, I have never introduced him to my friends since I wanted the thing to be real first, while he was saying that we should go here and there with his friends.

I tried to keep a bit of distance and dont meet him too often- weekends always worked for me enough.

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Hi Greta

 

Thanks a lot for the reply. I must admit- deep inside I very much agree with with what you are saying. Yes, I can accross as needy girl. The reason for that was me being scared of the situation.

I must say- I was never a needy one, I always had my life and many things going on there. For those past 4 month he was my priority.

On the other hand he is 30 year old- didn't he have a situation similar to this before? It's a reaction of weak moment isn't it?

When I talked about space- it was me coming to him and offering that. I said I am ready to leave him alone and give some space if he needs that. The answer to that was no, I dont need this. And the last time we met we had a calm chat, I explained why I reacted like I did, and he said he know why I did this.

Going through all this, I read tones of advices online, of what would be the right way to approach your ex again after some time (given at least 30 days) not of those have really convinced me to be honest. But I still would want to have coffee and hear about what had really happen at some point.

Regarding your point that he wasn't invested in me and thought of more casual thing- this is were I also have doubts (not trying to bring situation to better side though)I was the one finding excuses not to be FB friends yet, I have never introduced him to my friends since I wanted the thing to be real first, while he was saying that we should go here and there with his friends.

I tried to keep a bit of distance and dont meet him too often- weekends always worked for me enough.

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He may have had a situation like "this" before --- and he likely responded the same way.

 

In real life, NO ONE wants to be the priority in someone's life. Dating is supposed to be fun and carefree and getting to know someone. Not be the focus of their every waking minute.

 

No one will convince you to leave him alone. And so, you will keep checking in with him --"are you ready, can we get together??" until he finally says "Leave me alone".

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Hey mhowe

 

Thanks for the reply. No I have actually left him alone- I have never contacted him again since we had this last message before Valentines weekend, which is 2.5 weeks now...

 

I was only thinking to maybe text him after the month has passed (or so) if I still feel like

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There isn't. And it was you, thinking you could "manage this" to begin with (after the initial blast) that ended it.

 

Next time --- when you apologize for that kind of thing (which likely ended it right there), attempt to contact and apologize. Once.

Not texts, calls, VM ---- and for god's sake -----don't show up at his office and demand time.

 

That is what sealed the deal.

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I think my post was misread a little bit- I did not go to his office in the middle of the day I agreed to meet him after work, the only think - he needed to come back to do more work...

 

After all what happened,which I know I have acted horrible, at the end of the day, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't cheated on him.. I was stressed over many thing, and I thought I had a man which will take me as a girl, who is sometime vulnerable..

 

Trust me, I went through lots of things in my life- dad's suicide and many other problems, which made me to be a strong woman, for once I feel really weak and hopeless...

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I think my post was misread a little bit- I did not go to his office in the middle of the day I agreed to meet him after work, the only think - he needed to come back to do more work...

 

After all what happened,which I know I have acted horrible, at the end of the day, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't cheated on him.. I was stressed over many thing, and I thought I had a man which will take me as a girl, who is sometime vulnerable..

 

Trust me, I went through lots of things in my life- dad's suicide and many other problems, which made me to be a strong woman, for once I feel really weak and hopeless...

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And that is fine --- but you cannot expect a relationship of 4 months to withstand that kind of pressure.

 

And I expect he thought he was dating a very capable woman --- that he was attracted to. And then on a cancelled date --- an out of control girl showed up.

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I know I know u dont do this.. But I guess I have done a human mistake.. He also seemed to understand that the last time we spoke, and said that he is not being himself either and I dont need to apologize anymore..

I guess you know I am very down and hoping to hear all good things, which are not always the case and everyone's opinion..

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Yes, it is a human mistake.

And yes, he did understand. That doesn't mean he needs to give you a second chance.

 

And -- no more apologies. One and done.

 

That being said --- there aren't any "good things" to be said, except that if you take this as a learning experience, then some good will have come from it.

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I think my post was misread a little bit- I did not go to his office in the middle of the day I agreed to meet him after work, the only think - he needed to come back to do more work...

 

After all what happened,which I know I have acted horrible, at the end of the day, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't cheated on him.. I was stressed over many thing, and I thought I had a man which will take me as a girl, who is sometime vulnerable..

 

Trust me, I went through lots of things in my life- dad's suicide and many other problems, which made me to be a strong woman, for once I feel really weak and hopeless...

 

So sorry you are having a hard time....what i have learned however is not to make a priority someone that makes us an option.

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Going through all this, I read tones of advices online, of what would be the right way to approach your ex again after some time (given at least 30 days) not of those have really convinced me to be honest. But I still would want to have coffee and hear about what had really happen at some point.

 

You already know what happened, and what's in it for him to meet with you to rehash that? It's hard enough to break things off once. Offering him the need to do that again is dismal, not appealing.

 

The man knows how to reach you. If he ever decides that he wants to do that, he will. Scratching open a scab never 'heals' anything, but it's the perfect approach if you want his door to slam rudely shut for good.

 

I'd reconsider the 30 day thing. Seriously.

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Hi All,

 

Can stree really be the cause to end the relationship when we were this much in love?

 

 

BalticGirl

 

No way could you two have been "this much in love" after only 4 months.

 

You were infatuated. You were attracted. But in love? Not possible. You mentioned seeing him on weekends which means you saw him a total of approximately 16 times. Texting and emailing does not count as spending time together.

 

I'm guessing things got way too intense way too fast for him. Not to mention with extreme work pressure, the very last thing this guy needed was pressure from someone he'd barely even started dating.

 

Lesson learned hopefully. Don't push for so much so soon (even if the guy seems really interested in you) and don't react to a guy who's under a lot of stress by giving him even more stress by acting needy, clingy and demanding.

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The reason he shut off is not you. I am sure. He was not invested to begin with. It was you planning movie and dinner on Valentine's day, not him. It was him being your priority and not the other way around. And there was a good reason for that. he was not that much interested. Man can forgive to a woman he is interested in almost EVERYTHING. If he was interested, you were not that scared that he is swallowed by work. I think, deep inside you knew that he was not and that what actually bothered you as opposed to his busy schedule.

 

I would recommend taking it as he was really interested in another woman, not you and was hiding behind his work to escape your r/s. It is a good enough reason to erase him from your life and move on.

 

And really why would you need a man who is constantly stressed and needs sleep? Who is constantly saying "no"? R/s should bring joy and not a disappointment.

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