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Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.


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I just ended another relationship with someone that I didn't trust. Actually, they ended it. I couldn't do it so I pushed with the negativity until he did. I had valid reasons for not rusting him. He cheated and he was a compulsive liar. On the other hand, he was good to me and I think he loved me but I'm not really sure of that either.

I'm devastated and clinging miserably to the 20% of the relationship that was good. I was in it for the wrong reasons and I knew very early on that it would have to end. It wasn't hard to find things to be negative about, but I wonder if I took it too far and the real relationship was not allowed to blossom.

In the end he refused to take responsibility for his mistakes, used double standards and was completely uncompromising. I have no desire to be with someone like that.

So why is it so painful? Why am I such a mess and actually hoping we can still work things out??

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I was in it for the wrong reasons and I knew very early on that it would have to end.

 

You compromised your integrity and logic to stay in the relationship. You are probably feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance right now: You know that you chose to ignore screaming red flags to be with him, for whatever reasons, and this goes against your view of yourself as a competent person who is strong and stands up for herself. So your mind is attempting to reduce the dissonance by trying to mold him into a logical choice. Hence its focus on his good qualities.

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Because self-deception is one of our greatest faults and also our greatest talents as a human being. Because you want a good relationship and since none appear to be insight you are going to try and be resourceful and see if you can't get that round peg to fit into that square hole after all. And because it's easier to think and hope, "It could still work, right?" than it is to simply say, 'Well, I saw that one coming, I knowing slammed my fingers in the door repeatedly and now I don't get to cry over why it hurts."

 

The fact is you can't change who this guy was and those are some pretty huge red flags he wasn't willing to take responsibility for. So no, it would never have worked unless you enjoy being a total yes person who lives only to please your partner and your own needs, desire and heck even safety be hanged. And most of us aren't like that, because I thin we all inherently recognize that slavery is a bad thing.

 

But yeah, letting go of that fantasy is usually one of the toughest parts of ending a bad relationship. It's also the most necessary, so indeed let it go. It will get better and soon enough you'll be looking back at it and wondering what you ever saw in the guy to begin with.

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You compromised your integrity and logic to stay in the relationship. You are probably feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance right now: You know that you chose to ignore screaming red flags to be with him, for whatever reasons, and this goes against your view of yourself as a competent person who is strong and stands up for herself. So your mind is attempting to reduce the dissonance by trying to mold him into a logical choice. Hence its focus on his good qualities.

 

I see you possibly read "Mistakes were made (but noy by me)" ? Great book.Op (and everyone else, actually), you should give it a shot.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all for your input, it has been very helpful.

SottiOtti: Your explanation really clarified what I have been feeling lately. I needed to put a rational explanation to it, but couldn't find the words. Are you a psychologist?? I quoted you to my ex.....it was very satisfying...thank you.

Paris Paulette and mhowe: I do want to be in a good relationship and I'm afraid of being alone, so I keep trying to jam those sqaure pegs into round holes ...

sky09: Thank you for the book recommendation...I ordered it from Amazon

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