It is official. I have gone bat s*** crazy.

Hi everyone,

A little background: I'm 27, my "ex" is 34. I have a hard time accepting he is my ex because we have been in limbo since January. We have been together a little shy of 3 years and have lived together for 1.5 years. During our time together, we faced a lot of big life changes like getting new puppies, he became a police officer, and I committed to living with him in his state (New Hampshire) whereas before I was living in Boston, Mass.

My family is on the other side of the country. I only have friends around Boston but figured I could make more friends in NH. The commute to work got the best of me as it was 3 hours round trip every day so I found another company in NH and cut my commute to 1.5 hrs round trip. Still alot. We let the stressors of life get to us and I kept driving engagement deadlines, which made things very tense and sensitive and we bickered over it a lot. At the beginning of 2014, I gave myself a deadline - if no ring, I will move out by the end of 2014. But truthfully, we were not at our best and heathiest point at the end of the year and I knew the proposal wouldn't happen.

I was lost. I became confused. I needed space and because I had no family around, I couldn't pack up my bags for a few weeks for a breather. So I decided to move out. We decided we were going to stay together after I moved out, though he was reluctant as he saw this move as a HUGE step back. I didn't. I thought it would be temporary.

Fast forward post move out. We are telling each other we love each other. We don't want to break up but suddenly, there is a shift. He begins to grow distant, less phone calls, less text, until I begin to panic. Like - why aren't you around anymore? He tells me my move out was a slap in his face. We needed to work on things while we lived together and he feels I jumped ship. He is not sure about us anymore because he now knows he won't be able to meet my "deadline" and doesn't know if he can make me happy. I almost immediately turn around and say I am dropping the deadlines, I understand the value of QUALITY of the present vs. QUANTITY of years we've spent together.

Nope. He doesn't believe me. Says it is unlikely I've made a 180 on an issue I've been consistent on for an entire year. In my heart, I feel that I know I can wait for him and this move out has provided me that clarity that for lots of reasons we weren't engaged like finances, etc. everything is falling logically into place and I'm not driven by emotion when I moved out.

He says he is angry. He needs time to soul search. I say I don't know how to be in limbo as I am always either in a relationship or on the way to the next one. He gets angrier. He says if that's the case I'm free to see other men. That breaks my heart. I tell him I will wait for him.

Beginning of crazy:

End of January there is a night where I cannot sleep. I have nightmares every day, cannot eat, cry everywhere I go. The night I cannot sleep, I decide to get up and drive over to this place at 6 a.m. I call him, I tell him I want to see him. He says no. This infuriates me and I go there anyway. He answers the door seeing red in his eyes. Tells me to get out. Tells me this is how all of his domestic cases start. I am crying. I make up an excuse about needing to get something from the house and start to pitifully pack a box. He chucks all of my crap in a box and throws it outside. I'm left picking it up from the snow and loading it into the car and then he pushes me out into the blizzard. I drive back crying.

He later apologized for the incident and said he wasn't seeing/thinking straight because this was absolutely a crazy move from my side.

I agree.

I call him up and see if he wants to grab breakfast. OK. I come over. He makes me my favorite breakfast with strawberries. I see he still cares. We are sitting together on the couch and the entire time he tells me how he is a tower of erection right now and he needs to keep his head straight, doesn't want to confuse either one of us, and tells me to leave. I go.

That week, I ask if I can pick up one of our dogs for the blizzard. He says OK. I come over. We have dinner. He can't take his eyes off of my body. We feel strong chemistry. He again asks me to leave because he is afraid he will ravage me. I go. I feel good because I know he still desires me. I tell him I love him and I want to be back home - he says he can't easily flip a switch like that and needs time.

The calls disappear all together. Texts have gone to maybe 1 every other day never triggered by him. I tell him I want to have an honest conversation with him with where things are at and where they are going. He agrees to meet up but no longer at his place - he doesn't want to feel boxed in and as though he will ravage me again. He wants a neutral location. So we pick my new place - it's still unfurnished so it's harmless.

He comes over. It's awkward. He doesn't hug me or kiss me hello. We sit in silence. I have tears in my eyes. I tell him I really have changed my views on things. And shockingly, he says I haven't given him time to miss him and that he hasn't found the passion to pursue us or mend things between us again. It's no longer about me, it's now him needing the time - and there is no guarantee he will ever come to miss me because I have made myself so available. He says he is not sure he is doing the right thing when he takes the time. I tell him he is still amazing. We sit on the couch and he rubs my knees. Shortly, he leaves and kisses my forehead.

Days of silence. I write emails. I can't handle the break. I'm stressed out, I miss him, I want to talk and work on things - I don't know how to not contact him to give him the space to miss me. That weekend I make plans to go up to ski with my friends. On the 2.5 hr drive up, I call him - he didn't call me back the night before as he said he would. He doesn't answer the phone. I try him again. No answer. I text him. No text back. I freak out. I text him a slew of texts and tell him I feel ignored - are we really over or not? He texts me back to calm down. After I get close to the ski resort, I break down - I begin to sob uncontrollably. I know I won't be able to be around people that day. I turn around and head back home. I call him again, no answer.

Later that night, he finally returns my call and is visibly annoyed. He asks why I am spamming his phone. I said I was in a bad spot (emotionally) and needed to talk. This tells him I am needy and he is turned off (I assume). He tells me he doesn't want to get into anything heavy now because he is heading out (Sat night). I ask him where? He remains vague. I get annoyed. We hang up and I write him a long email.

Just so I am clear, whenever I write these emails, they are never mean emails. They are always encouraging emails about why we have been good for each other and why we would be successful moving fwd with lessons learned. But the way I end them always flip flops from "OK I will wait for you, take your time" to "I'm done, this waiting is BS, I don't get how you treat someone you love this way."

I don't hear back from him the next day and I begin to worry. I thought he was going to call me back so we could talk? I send him another email saying I will wait for him. I don't hear back. Next day I text to see how he is doing because he has been MIA. He texts me back that he is stressed, etc.

The next day, I text him about my financial progress - I am debt free, have a few gs in my savings. He texts me back and says that is amazing and he is proud of me. I feel really good inside. I take a chance and ask if we can celebrate our puppies' birthdays as it is the day after. He does not respond to my text.

Well - fast forward to last night and this is where it all hits the fan. One of his friends, let's call him Bob, hits me up and invites me over to his house to do some wine tasting with him and his girlfriend. Sure, I have no other plans. I go over, get there around 9PM. We are having fun. Talking about food, wine, etc. Before I know it is 1:30AM and I need to go home. Right before I leave, Bob tells me my "ex" is planning a trip to Texas with his band (he has it on a side) and I am infuriated. The trip is around our 3 year anniversary. Granted we are not together anymore, I am angry because he is always complaining about not wanting to go travel and yet here he is - traveling.

I leave Bob's house and text the "ex" with are you awake? Learned a piece of info and am just wanting to get my stuff out of your house. Obviously no response. My phone is dying at this point so I tell my car to take me home. It takes me through spiraling backroads.. all trees.. takes forever, I don't know why. Suddenly I realize I am 2 blocks away from my ex's house. Wow. I never reprogrammed my GPS in the car. It is now 2:00 AM. I am tired as can be and cannot make another 40 minute drive to save my life.

What do I do? Oh you know. The crazy. I decide to call my ex. He doesn't pick up. I call the house phone. Twice. He picks up in a sleepy voice. I tell him I'm tipsy and I need to crash on the couch, without getting into too much detail because he is cutting me off. He says absolutely not. I become infuriated. I am in ACTUAL need. I cannot drive right now. And he is refusing me a couch. I hang up on him. I send him texts along the lines of "wow really? I am in a need, I was there when you were low where are you now?" type things. I decide I need to sleep in my car. But I don't know where to park. I decide I am going to ask him if I can use his driveway to park my car. I call the house again. He picks up and hangs up.

I feel the pang in my heart and I am livid. Absolutely livid. I find a CVS down the street and park my car there. Before falling asleep I text him lots of texts saying how he is in the wrong, that I've never stopped caring or loving him, that I have a loving spirit that needs protection etc. I end it with I was ok withspending a few years in rebuilding out relationship with lessons learned but now don't think that will happen.

I took a power nap. Woke up and drove home. Have not heard anything since. In retrospect, I can see why he said no to me and why he was so annoyed. I'd be annoyed too at 2:30 AM if my phone would not stop ringing and an ex was asking if they can stay. The difference is I thought we were still in it together. By the way, I still love him. I just know I am behaving a psycho. I am seeing 2 therapists cumulative of 4x a week. When will my crazy urges just stop? I don't know how to give this man space and I am getting really pissed off with myself.

Hi, I am bat s*** crazy.

Only you can control your actions. You say you want to stop contacting him. STOP. Just stop. As of right now, make a pledge to not contact this man again. It is time to take some responsibility here. You can't undo what has already been done, but you can show some self-respect from here on out and move on with your life. You need to block him, delete his number, do whatever you need to do so that you will not contact him.

He has been upfront and honest with you this whole time that he wanted and needed space, and did not want to continue the relationship. So why are you pursuing it? You cannot force this man to change his mind. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Find a hobby and make some new friends. Build a life for yourself that does not include him.

Wow. This "relationship" is definitely over. Really in my opinion it was over when you moved out. I never could understand how moving out is moving forward. Anyway this guy is a cop? I would stop the harassment or you're going to find yourself in a legal mess. You need to leave him alone. Just leave him alone he's done. The odds of him coming back after this behavior are pretty much impossible. Delete his number and work on yourself, there has to be some things you enjoy you mentioned skiing and wine tasting so you're not a recluse. Get your mind off the cop, heal up and get yourself to a happier state of mind and then maybe try with someone new. No sense even going down this road again...

Stop any contact immediately. You took the risk of breaking the relationship when you decided to create engagement deadlines and moving out. Now you changed your mind but gave him a taste of freedom he actually seems to need and want now.

I agree with nienne, you can't undo all you've done, but you need to move on past this and save some dignity. The best of luck with your recovery.

When will my crazy urges just stop? I don't know how to give this man space and I am getting really pissed off with myself.

They'll stop when you decide to take the time to get off your high horse, and see this for what it is. (No offense intended) You're demonstrating how you're making this all about you, while refusing to give him the space he asked for, which he likely sees as being selfish.

In any event, he can't possibly miss you if you're constantly standing in front of him. In other words, if there is any possible chance of getting back together, your smartest move would be to disappear completely. Choose wisely...

Sheesh. You are bat sh*t crazy. I think you've probably destroyed any chance you ever had of repairing that relationship!

So, where to from here? You take control. Of course you can control yourself - you just don't want to, I mean really want to. You're actually punishing him by behaving as badly as you can.

See a doctor and get some meds or get counselling. The behaviour is over the top psycho stuff.

If you REALLY care about him, give the poor guy a break.

In my opinion, your real problem is a control issue. Many people these days in USA have it, and it is understandable because life is so hectic and demanding that people do not have time to sit back, meditate, get in touch with themselves. Life is pushing, society is unforgiving, success is hard earned and fleeting, or so it seems. There is no much time to make friends. There is no much time to spend with people really. And when it comes to love, people have a hard time because of all the above and pressure to get married.

If my lover would set up a deadline for me to get engaged.... it is unacceptable. It alone tells me that this lover does not love me. How about just enjoying being together? Without any guarantee? How about if you knew you would have never become married to each other but do have this time to be together - would you go for it? If that would be a true love, you would take a one single day with him - marriage or not!

I suggest to face the truth that you do not love this man but you are lost in your control issues. You try to control him while losing all control over yourself. You are trying to get out attention from him by putting yourself into needy situations where he had to pay attention to you. Stop doing it. It degrades you and you are achieving nothing else.

This man as majority of other people need a strong and happy partner. Not the one who pressures him into marriage. But the one who simply enjoys him! And when this enjoyment is the most important thing that matters.

In your situation, I would look at it as my own problem. I would do soul searching - why do I have this problem? What is REALLY bothering me? Of course, you have to stop all this stalking behavior. Not because it is ruining your chances, but because it is ruining YOUR HEALTH. This is BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. Get a grip and stop. This man is a trigger for you and you have to delete, block, eliminate any road to him. You should stop communication with his friends. Focus on yourself and your emotional and mental health. You NEED a breather. You need the time alone to get in touch with yourself.

Here's the point: I think that at his age (mid-30s) and after 3 years together and living together, if what he wanted to do was marry you, he'd have already proposed. So i think he didn't really want to marry you and you wanted to marry him, so you got into this tense stand off because your goals for the relationship were different. He's either not interested in marriage because he doesn't want it/believe in it, or has had sufficient doubts about the relationship that he didn't feel comfortable marrying you. Marriage is a natural progression for those who want to get married and see their other person as their permanent partner, and if it doesn't progress to that engagement after a few years, you have to accept that is not his goal for whatever reason.

And now this has all erupted into this crazy storm of emotions because you are power struggling with him to force the relationship in one direction, and he is frankly showing you that he is not interested in going in that direction, and in fact is actually getting out and looking for new women. He has seen how frantic you are to get back together, and how unstable you are behaving, so he is trying his best to keep you at arms length until you are able to deal with the break up and accept this is over and time to move on. He has not pulled the total rip cord on the relationship yet because he is afraid of your response to that. So the second that kind of fear enters a relationship, it is basically over. The problem is you think he is still 'playing' but honestly he is not based on the things he says and what he is doing. He is just scared at what your response will be if you he tells you it is over and there is no change, and he doesn't know how to get you to move and leave him alone so he is pushing you away as best he can without dropping that final bomb he is afraid will drive you around the bend emotionally because you are behaving in such an out of control way.

So your first problem is your emotions. You need to get the under control, and therapy is the best way for that. You also need to try to exhaust yourself physically as well so that you can sleep at night and not focus on him, so consider joining a gym and working out every day and going there every time you get the impulse to talk to him. Get some books, DVDS, hobbies, anything that you can do when the impulse to contact him strikes. You need to distract yourself and NOT keep engaging in this out of control chasing behavior that is only going to scare him and drive him away.

If he wants to talk to you, he has your number, and if he isn't calling, it is because he doesn't want to. You have to accept that and have full confidence that if he changes his mind he will call you, because he will. Chasing and hounding him will only drive him away, and that is about your emotions being out of control and not about trying to rebuild a relationship. He has to be receptive to wanting to rebuild the relationship, and frankly he just isn't, at least not at this time and not when you are behaving like a crazy stalker.

The bottom line is you can't bully a person into getting back together with you, and this kind of behavior will just annoy and scare him. So remind yourself of that, that your job is to manage your own emotions, and to not let yourself think that stalking him will make you attractive to him. It just won't, and will have the opposite effect. Focus on YOU and not him, continue with your therapy, and remind yourself that you are a young woman and will be fine with or without him once you get over this attachment to him, which you will if you get some therapy and learn how to manage your emotions.

I have to comment about this: 'I become infuriated. I am in ACTUAL need. '

You are relating to him as if he is a parent and you are a child and are helpless without him. You are not. You could have sat in your car and called a taxi, or driven a few blocks to a nearby hotel and stayed there. But instead you choose to call him and to try to FORCE him to take responsibility for you as if you were a child and he NEEDED to assume responsibility for you.

This is how a toddler thinks and behaves when Mommy or Daddy leaves the room and leaves baby alone for a bit. Baby is ENRAGED and screams and tantrums because they WANT Daddy there and they feel they NEED Daddy there and they just won't survive without Daddy there. But of course they will! You are not dependent on him for survival, and keep putting him in a very awkward position of making him responsible for your emotions (as in, 'Bad Daddy! why aren't you just letting me in again becaues you are my Daddy and it is your JOB to let me in again.'). You are not a child and he has no obligation to care for you or take care of you or let you in or anything else... and you are responsible for your own emotions and how to manage them.

So that is the mental hurdle you need to make, to understand that it is not his responsibility to fix your feelings or give in to doing something he doesn't want to do. You're both adults, and a relationship is by mutual consent, and if he is not consenting to be your partner or BF anymore, you have zero rights over him or his time or his house. So start working on that, recognizing that he is not a parent and not obligated to you, and you need to respect his rights and fix your own emotions rather than expecting him to yield and fix you. Let your therapists help with that.

You set yourself up here. Moving in with him but having these engagement deadlines and ultimatums, and then moving out as a power trip (of course moving out means breaking up!), it blew up in your face.

I guess you supposed that he would be so desperate to be with you that when you moved out, he'd propose. Instead he saw it for what it was and decided to bow out. Most grounded people would. You were being manipulative as hell!

And yeah, you added insult to injury by telling him how you couldn't handle the limbo of him deciding what he wanted to do when you moved out. When you said "I'm used to either being in a relationship or on my way to one", you basically reinforced for him that with you, it's all about what you want.

Crazy urges will stop when you acknowledge this is you who screwed up and not on him. You take time to yourself, have some good bawls, see where you went wrong, and learn from this and move on.

It may feel like the end of the world now, but it really isn't. And maybe this is something you needed to happen to get you to a place where you can take responsibility for your own choices. Moving in with him prior to an engagement - girl, your choice! This man doesn't owe you anything; it was two people who went into it together with the idea to see where it could go.

Well, everyone has told you the honest truth. As you already know your behaviors are out of control and unacceptable. I'm not sure if he would miss you because you left such a bad impression.

any News mimimobile ?

Hi – yes, news. I’m amazed at how negative everyone has been on this thread. He called me the next day and explained how he saw the situation, which completely changed my perspective on the events. I asked if we were done because that is what has been driving me nuts is just the not knowing. He said he just needs space and to please calm down and relax and not drink and drive. He said he’s been feeling like I’ve been pushing to hang out and he is just not ready. So in short – he needs time and we are not done.

Since then, I’ve gone NC and have increased seeing my therapists. I’m doing so much better and all of my friends are supportive. I feel more relaxed and comfortable with the circumstance. We love each other – that is the bottom line. He tends to retreat into himself and I tend to overly reach out.

I came to these forums for support / vent and all I got was really nasty comments. Thanks a lot.

Also - what is so unacceptable about reaching out to my best friend of three years when I needed a couch? The only "unacceptable" behaviors I see is I've been impulsive and reactive with texts and calls. But I've never been nasty.

You called yourself bats__t crazy, not us! So you obviously saw something wrong with your own behavior.

Again, this forum is not called "the Support forum" but an advice forum.

If you'd continued acting the way you had, do you really think you'd have a chance with this man?

What's unacceptable about "reaching out" to your "best friend" is that 1) it was some Godawful hour in the morning, 2) he'd previously asked you to leave him alone and give him space and 3) he said no to you staying over and you refused to accept it. If someone tells you "no", the appropriate response is not to bombard that person with calls and texts!

I'm happy to hear you've decided to change your course of action and respect his wishes. That's good progress.

I came to these forums for support / vent and all I got was really nasty comments. Thanks a lot.

First of all, talk to your friends and family for support. Come to a random group of strangers to tell you how they really feel with no filters. Having read the entire thread just now, I don't see where folks went out of their way to be nasty to you; they were just truthful. I won't comment on your first post only to say that by the time I got to the "deadlines and ultimatum" part, I said to myself, "Uh oh." Those are two things guys do not like. In fact, most of us absolutely hate ultimatums! I know I do.

Also - what is so unacceptable about reaching out to my best friend of three years when I needed a couch? The only "unacceptable" behaviors I see is I've been impulsive and reactive with texts and calls. But I've never been nasty.

Because he likely doesn't believe it was random. He probably believes it was a calculated move. He might not have even though you were drunk. He repeatedly said he needed space and you repeatedly kept inviting yourself over. He very likely believe you just wanted a foot in the door since you know he still finds you physically attractive.

People are giving you opinions based on experience of watching other people who had similar situations where 'space' was requested.. Frequently, when someone says, 'i need space,' especially if you are the really emotional type who freaks out, they are starting the process of breaking up with you and will start by getting you used to the idea of space, while they extend that need for space for longer and longer, hoping you will adjust to that idea of being apart and accept it when they make the final break without you getting too freaked out and emotional (or they never make that break officially, and instead they just never actually agree to start trying again to get back with you again).

So if this 'space' goes on for longer than a month or so, you should start recalibrating yourself to the idea that this might be the way he is easing you out in what he hopes is a kind way that will be less volatile than what has already happened when he tried to push you away. So keep working on you, working on staying stable and in control, and regardless of the outcome, you will be happier and better able to adjust if you respect his need for space, and continue with your therapy to help you adjust to whatever outcome comes your way.

Going to his house because you saw another woman walking out...taking your stuff and throwing condoms on his bed with a picture of yourself 10 days later...this is not healing!