The man at the coffee shop...

I'm a Canadian that's been living in Australia for a few years. A couple of months ago, the Colombian guy at the coffee shop next to my work asked me out on a date. We'd been making small talk over the past few months and I was thrilled that he wasn't just being friendly and that he actually liked me. We ended up seeing each other a few nights a week and everything was fantastic. His English wasn't perfect but it didn't hold us back at all and the conversation was always so easy when we were together. At 33 years old, I felt that I had finally met someone who could possibly be a big part of my future. We never had the relationship talk because everything just felt right with us and I also felt like it didn't matter, because we were together and happy and shared heaps of chemistry. My frame of mind was so different than it had been in any other of my relationships for at least the past 5 years.

My parents came to visit me from Canada two weeks ago and are staying for two months. I am quite close to them but hadn't seen them in over a year and a half. Obviously I knew that this would change the dynamic of our relationship somehow, but I didn't think that is would be that big of a deal in the end.

Last week he started to act a bit different and on Sunday I asked him if we were still okay. He indicated that he needed to chat with me about a few things, so we met up that evening. The general gist of the conversation was that he wanted to end things because we weren't in love yet and he thought if we continued down the path that he would end up eventually breaking my heart. He thought that I was developing feelings for him so much quicker than he was. He did say that, with time, he could see himself falling for me. He admitted that my parents coming to town likely added a bit of stress and pressure to our relationship. He stressed how much he liked me and cared for me though, and that he really wants to stay friends as he doesn't really have a lot of people in Australia that he gets along with as well as me. We had a really honest conversation in which we were laughing and crying, and was just a big reflection on how well we get along. The last few days have been really hard for me, but he's been quite calm and kind which I have appreciated (I see him most days at the coffee shop)

I've had a few days to think about this and I think the where we are at now is so wrong. I don't get that you can share such chemistry and passion and great conversations with someone, and not want to give your feelings more of a chance to develop and grow. I am not usually one to fight for myself when it comes to relationships, but I really think that what we had is worth fighting for. I think I will regret it one day if I don't speak with him and let him know how much I want him to give us another chance.

Is there a good way to do this without scaring him off? My parents are here for another 7 weeks, so that needs to be taken into consideration. I want to let him know that I want to spend time with him and go back to as we were, but that I don't have any expectations for the future. If he isn't interested, in the end that will be okay, but I just want to make sure that he knows where I stand. Advice would be much appreciated as I don't want to make a wrong move.

Sure you can try, but I think I'd listen to the guy. He doesn't want a relationship with you, he probably enjoyed the light fun no string attached stuff...as soon as any kind of bigger part appeared he's booking it.

I re-read your last lines and you sound like you're contradicting yourself. You want to "fight" for "this relationship" but yet you want to let him know you don't have any expectations as well as you need to let him know where you stand.

Sure it's all fine and well, but he already indicated he DOESN'T want to lead down the path of love and a relationship. Give it another shot, talk it out, and "be sure," but I don't think you're going to change his mind.

Some things you can fight for- a career, an education. I'm not sure how you can fight to change someone's mind. Sometimes we just aren't on the same page with someone as much as we think we are. If he doesn't want it, you can't make him. I don't know why he told you that with time he could see himself falling for you. Maybe he's trying to let you down easy but that's not a good way to make your intentions clear. It's only been a couple months anyway. It hurts but just let it go. And no, don't try to be friends with him.

You want a relationship....he wanted a casual, sexual friendship. He isn't the man of your future. You are way more invested in him. Your parents visit gave him a convenient way out.

I don't get that you can share such chemistry and passion and great conversations with someone, and not want to give your feelings more of a chance to develop and grow.

The time to "give your feelings more of a chance to develop and grow"is before becoming intimate, IMO. This also will likely eliminate the question of where do we stand?

A person who is crazy about you won't take a break from you, won't tell you he's not ready for more, and won't break up with you. A person who is crazy about you will make an effort daily to stay in your life and makes plans to build a beautiful life with you. He is willing to let you go, so let him. If you stay in contact, in a moment of weakness, you will have unattached sex with him, and so he will get fun sex without the commitment. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. It hurts, but we all survive these things. Time to move on without him.

This is the bottom line--this guy was enjoying a fun time with you and had zero intentions of it ever getting more serious. And then the parents are going to show up, and suddenly it dawns on him, "Oh snap, she thinks there's something serious here! Oh gosh, I cannot look her parents in the face and let them find out this is just a booty call thing, her dad will kill me!"

I'm sorry, but you assumed an awful lot of things without really finding out if you and he are on the same page with what the two of you want or don't want from each other. And the fact is nope, you aren't on the same page at all, not even close. You want a serious relationship with a future. He doesn't. He never did. Even friends are happy to meet each others family and other friends and if he were really a friend then meeting your parents still wouldn't be a big deal or shouldn't be. That he doesn't says something very not good about him, in my books.

I always took someone not wanting to meet members of my own tribe as a direct red neon glaring sign of the "I have something serious to hide here and I do not want your people knowing what I look like, so they can't track me down later and kill me for hurting or deceiving you." This guy is hiding something like a girl back home would be my guess or else he really did think it was all just good fun and you're bed partners and then suddenly it's dawned on him, that's not what you think it is. But as he said he's lonely and away from home and you're a comfort to him and plus yeah, he gets to have NSA sex, so of course he's going to hold out just enough hope to basically ask you to hide him from your parents, but keep sleeping with him.

I'm sorry, but that's not a stand-up guy, a friend, or anyone I would want to have in my life. And chemistry all over the place is not an indicator of whether they want a relationship with you or you even should have one. I've had off the charts chemistry with men I didn't even like and nope, I wasn't going to introduce them to my family at all. As in ever. Although yeah, I did sleep with one or two of them. Sex and emotions are not dependent on each other and you can have plenty of one and not the other, sorry. I think you should take his words to heart, they are after all his wishes and what he wants. and you can't change that. He says he doesn't want a serious relationship means he doesn't want a serious relationship. But yeah, he's going to flatter you so as not to lose the sex and company either hence the whole "I could fall for you."

And yet, by this stage he should already have fallen for you and been thrilled to bits to be meeting your parents, don't you think? If he were really relationship material anyways. Plus do you really think you could ever be happy with a guy who so clearly bails on you the moment any of your family or anyone close to you shows up?

This situation is complex.

1) you are both belong to different backgrounds/mentality. If his English might be enough to communicate, I bet you both see r/s way differently. If for you r/s is "a big part of your future", for him it might be something else. And it is not because he does not like you enough. I am not saying this is what happened, but there is a good chance that is what happened, because that is exactly what he said.

I live in USA and I know that if you are single and he is single and you start dating, there is an unspoken expectation to create a family unit. Not always, there are exceptions, but those are rare. Overall society is focused on steady, proper, loyal, long-lasting and marriage-forming r/s. If one party knows that she/he does not want marriage, they are advised to make it clear as soon as possible and if another party wants marriage, then r/s has to be dissolved.

I lived in Europe, and the whole r/s thing was very different. People start them because they are interested in each other, they want to explore each other personality and gain this experience of doing things with another...and marriage is a big thing and it is NOT assumed at all. The driving force of r/s is not to get married, but to enjoy each other. It sounds weird when you put it in words, but this is exactly the difference.

Moreover, I have an example. I have a friend. She is gorgeous. Originally she comes from the same country I do, so we speak the same language and it seems that we have the same background/mentality. The difference is that she came to live in USA when she was a little girl, while I lived abroad till I was 29 yo. Definitely though we speak the same language we were brought up by different cultures. So she was dating and she had this inclination to date men that come from the country of our origin. Immigrants. But she never was lucky with them. Being gorgeous, funny, talented she would go for the date, everything would be fine for a short period of time and then the man would run away from her. She asked me - what is going on? She could not understand, why when I meet a guy, he sticks around and when she meets a guy, he runs away. I started asking her about her short-term dating. And very soon I learned why. She wanted to get married and it was the main reason for her dating. As for me - I wanted to find a great lover and playmate. I could care less about marriage. For me thinking about marriage is like thinking about PhD when you are entering kindergarten! I wanted to have fun, to play, to enjoy carefree-ness and she wanted to drive her r/s to the point of having kids together! So when I was having fun without a back thought, she was looking for signs that the man is going towards big commitment and if he was going towards that direction, she was also having fun. But that is a different type of fun.

It is as different as painting for a pleasure and for a business. It was impossible to explain to her this. She never could believe me that I am dating men out of curiosity only, that the main fun for me is just to get to know them. She thought that was a waste of time basically. Or something rather whorish. She has a heart of gold, but the truth is that she scared all those men away because she wanted to get married. She was ready to fight for them. She was ready to have kids with them.

The truth is we are who we are. I am not saying that one way is better than the other. We just have to be wise enough to recognize and respect the differences. They can not be underestimated.

In your case I suspect the man felt that you want marriage. And that what stopped him. He is probably a very nice guy and does have a crush on you. However he is overwhelmed by your driving force towards big future. If you start fighting for him, it will most likely scare him off completely. if you stop seeing him, there are different possible outcomes. You see, he is not "invested" in this r/s. He just started to LIKE you. He pursued you. He wanted to know you more. Positive dynamic was coming from him. And now he stopped it all. I have to say one more thing about those foreign r/s - they are not focused on marriage and 90% out of a 100% they are NOT leading towards marriage. it is okay to get closer to a person and then go separate ways. Because the main fun is to get to know the other. And not to build anything. Just to know. Keeping this in mind, imagine how many other women he might approach in the same coffee shop. And something tells me - he does it. He does not sound immature - he goes for what he wants and he recognizes when he does not want it anymore. It takes some maturity and confidence.

he probably would be more intrigued and less repressed if a woman would exude this future? what you mean about "future"? Do you know what will happen to you tomorrow? Do you? Lucky you! I have no clue. May be a brick will fall on my head two hours from now - why to waste time thinking about something that possibly is not in our cards? Hey, lets make some scrambled eggs! Can I wear your grey T-shirt? Do you know that you have the biggest collection of grey T-shirts that I know of? Why do you like grey so much? I will get you an orange one, so you will have to face a challenge of being colorful! Ha-ha-ha You are SO serious! Future in a grey T-shirt! Sometimes you scare me to death! ha-ha-ha!"

2) Your parents. Arrival of parents in the midst of starting r/s is challenging for r/s. I remember when I was dating and my parents also arrived for a month to visit, my r/s stopped to exist. I myself asked my bf for a break. it was too hard to mix two things together. When you live abroad and your parents arrive for a visit, they expect ALL of you. You will be taking them out, showing them places, being with them. You have to. There is not other way. You can not leave them at home by themselves on prolonged periods of time. if you are seeing someone, adding this someone into the mixture is not working. I tried. It was just weird. Me and my bf we both suffered. We were not a couple. We were a man and a woman having fun together and parents do not fit this picture. So I asked him not to come over and he was GRATEFUL. And my parents were grateful. They did not want to share me with someone else. With my bf then I kept it as if we were kids who look for a time to sneak away - so I would call him and say "I NEEEEEEEEED A DRINK!" and he would laugh and we would arrange that I sneak away from my parents this night for an hour to the bar and we will have a drink. But most of the time I was dedicating to my parents. When they left, I fell sick and my bf came back to take care of me. I did not invite him, it was his choice.

What you can do? I think the best is to let him be. Do no go to the coffee shop often. Start a new activity. Show up in a coffee shop sweating after a hot yoga class or something - with the mat and a big empty water bottle. Ask him to fill your bottle. Tell him that all you need now is a little corner full of peace and serenity. sit, pull out a big orange and a book, stretch your legs and peel the orange, smiling happily. Then start reading and eating your juicy fruit. Make him remember you like this. Then finish your little break, smile to him happily and say; "thanks! see you around!" and vanish for 2 weeks. If he will not contact you, then it is over. But if he will, you will get another chance.