GF left me - GIGS/rebound

Okay so here is my story:

I'm 21, my gf (23) were together 15 months, broke up with me shortly after New Years seemingly out of the blue. To first reflect on our situation, I am a senior undergrad student and balance commuting to college 4 days a week along with a part time job for about 30 hours a week while classes are in session. I usually limited myself to working 3 days a week (24 hours), but I studied abroad to Peru last Spring (we went LDR for the entirety of it and came out fine. Yet, I came back into the country broke and had to work 2 jobs for the majority of the summer and work more during the fall just to break even. My gf and I decided it was best if I altered my schedule so that we would have Wednesdays off together to do things (I had no class on wed) and I would work days I had class instead. Long story short this turned out to be a bad idea because I got more fatigued and became exhuasted. My gf doesn't go to school and lives in the same hometown and works part time, but at this time was not getting good hours and was living paycheck to paycheck leaving me to pay for most things. It got to the point I had to give her money for bills, gas, etc because she was getting absolutely no help from her family. This created a bad scenario:

I was paying for almost everything, and she DID NOT fel good about it. It got to the point she owed me 250$ (which she informed me recently she is able to pay me back now)

She was eating at my house alot after work, since her parents seldom bought food their kids/house and ate out alot

She was sleeping at my place almost every night (originally she could not sleep without me which I understand now is bad

Because money was tight we stopped doing couple stuff and I started to get really stressed and fell into a depression of sorts

Our schedules were becoming conflicted and it resulted in not seeing one another until 10 or 11 at night. At which point either one of us would be too tired to have sex, etc (many nights I was falling asleep much earlier)

We fell into the routine of a married couple

I knew things were down, but I expected patches of it to happen. Our one year anniversary was in August and we cruised through September in bliss. Then it came up that I was going to graduate this may instead of may2016 (I backed out of the dual degree program I had planned)and talk of graduate schools came around for me and us. Initially she was onboard completely and excited. She wanted to go with me and we were researching apartments and living conditions, etc. But things began to change soon after. I noticed she was becoming slowly wishy washy about grad school which was understandable. Her sister has a 1 year old nephew that she babysits and another on the way. She was close with her and did not want to leave. I tried to reassure her that things were going to be okay and that there was no rush, but she seemed unresponsive.

She slowly became distant and also was starting to talk about this coworker alot more. I didn't notice at the time. This was my first real serious relationship and she taught me alot. She came in with major trust issues,but I had no walls or baggage from the past. Alot of this I didn't notice until after, but she started to become really close to this guy and I missed a ton of red flags. She was still showing attraction for me and the spark was not gone, but we were not spending quality time together. We were too tired to get things going and we failed to communicate and make time for eachother. I knew once winter recess hit I could pick things up for us again and was just reassuring her things will get better, but I realize now you cannot just put off love for the future. You need to still have it in the present, though I am not sure I could have done much to save us since she did not tell me how she was feeling, she was just leaving subtle hints that I didn't catch. She always said she was never going anywhere even in October and November, and I believed her and in us.

We had a great relationship in general. We could tell eachother anything. We made eachother laugh and cry. She was my first so naturally I was obsessed with her and for the most part she was obsessed with me, but it clearly got unhealthy and we lost ourselves in eachother by not taking space for ourselves. She only had about a handful of friends she would hang out with and I fell out of contact with the few I had. I was in love and addicted to her. We both were. Anyway, we were great with eachother's families and her friends and coworkers loved me. She's had 3 serious boyfriends before me and told me I was without a doubt the best guy she was ever with. The chemistry was great, we had a lot in common and shared many of the same values. We did everything together and loved eachother's company. We developed several inside jokes and really bonded. Imagine my surprise when after one night she went out to hang out with her step sister and her coworkers (they all work in the same place) while I was home. We were fighting about something stupid and I went to bed without saying good night for the first time. I was annoyed she was being so distant as of late and ignored her. I knew things were getting worse in December. She was being distant, rarely said I love you, sex was almost gone, but still great when we had it, she was going out more, indulging herself in pot and alcohol again (more than ever), and I was too busy with school work and grad applications to focus on us the way I needed to.

After the holidays I came to the decision to take a year off before grad school. I'm skipping the MA and going straight for PhD. I needed to recollect myself fiscally and mentally and also thought it would give us another year to truly solidify our relationship. We were together from (August to January, LD January to May, and together again May to January). I felt we needed more time to be with eachother before making such a serious commitment even though we both seemingly felt strongly about it. Big emphasis on SEEMINGLY! When I told her my decision to take a year off she was not happy about it. I waited until she got home from work, and we had a party to go to. I know it was not good timing, but there never is a good time for those things and I was so excited.

Back to the night we were fighting. I get a phone call from her around 2am and she is crying her eyes out. She stayed home that night and the first thing I did was go and get her. Whatever this was I needed to be with her, but I was not allowed to sleep at her house, so we went back to mine. She told me about how she was with this guy again last night. I didn't know he was there. She was telling me how she has feelings for him and she confronted him and he said he did to, but didn't want to ruin our relationship. She said all they do is smoke weed in his basement and she doesn't want to do that and that she doesn't understand why she feels for him this way. I was speechless. I blindly trusted this girl from day one and never questioned her loyalty and commitment. She was all about those things with her trust issues. She said she was no longer happy and she was confused. We eventually went to sleep, but I did not know we were about to break up. We went to bed with the consensus we were going to fix us.

The next day we went to the mall to use up some of the gift cards from the holidays and this is when it hit me. I leaned in to kiss her when we parked and she ducked before coming forward with her cheek. We talked while shopping.. she needed to find herself. She had to figure out what her feelings were with this guy. She couldn't imagine her life without me, but was getting cold feet and didn't understand why. She didn't want to leave her family (I was not pressuring her for grad school at all). She said we were not on the same page for awhile, and that she was so upset because she did not want to hurt me. She loves me, but isn't in love. She said she didn't love me the same way I loved her and that it wasn't fair to me. It's not you, it's me, you were perfect. I need to enjoy my 20s and don't feel like I am ready to settle down anymore. The biggest thing that hit me the hardest was this:

"It's just a phase. I need to go out there, up and come back to you... but you cannot wait for me and I hope you can move on."

I realize now how confused she truly was and still is. Even after our break up we went out to dinner (her mom thought I was going to propose, they now currently arent speaking since she left me) likely we were planning to for the longest time and she flat out kissed me... she was giving me mixed signals, and said one night the same week she wanted to come over and spend the night with me. I told her no because it defeats the purpose and will only confuse me more and she agreed. That she needs to go out and explore what she is feeling, and that the door is open when she is ready to come back. Then hit the fan again.

I went into survival mode in the following days and did everything I could to 'win her back.' I wrote a huge letter, professed my love, promised her we could change.. This was before I realized how serious she was with this other guy already. He was talking about a new gf on his twitter one week after we broke up. (Though I confronted her on it and said she was flattered, but was not over me and was not ready for that just yet. Though she did express to me that it was possible something between them could happen). Long story short for Post BU, i made the classic mistakes any guy in love will make and pushed her away.But at the same time she was understanding and we while in NC now, left on good terms. She got her things and gave me mine. She knew that I wasn't crazy despite the stuff I did and understood where I was because she had been there before with her first BF.

This was all devastating to me, and I was still breaking down into tears when we met. The last time we saw eachother she hugged me and was almost in tears just seeing me cry. She kept asking me if I was going to be okay and if she needed to worry about me. She left me with a long hug. Now we have been in No Contact for two weeks and I don't intend to contact her for now. She contacted me once to ask how my dad was because she found out he went to the ER and another time to ask me if I would be available to get the money she owed me. She finally got another job that pays alot better (go figure) and I guess she is planing on liquidating all of her debt.

She is on some level dating this guy. I stopped stalking their social media after I realized how toxic and detrimental it was, but I could tell they were becoming romantically involved and its very likely theyve been a little too intimate already. He is the exact opposite of me. He just works and spends his spare time working on his car or smoking pot/ drinking/ partying. When I first met my GF she told me how much she was over that life and that I was perfect for her. At one point she quit drinking altogether, but she really picked it all back up over the fall. I didn't realize how much people change. Anyway, nobody that knows the situation thinks this relationship will last. They work together, and he has slept with other women at her job and she has not taken the time to get over me. It took her a couple months to get over her previous bf of 8 months when we started dating 3 months after they broke up. Overall, her dating history goes like this:

First love at 16 - Dated for 2 years (still good friends, but he lives accross the country and it was obvious he was not a threat, even to me)

Second serious BF - dated on and off for 4 years - he was abusive and cheated, she cheated on him with her ex to get back at him. he knew what to say to keep her around and she grew from it

3rd BF - dated for 8 months and he left her to 'find himself' though he cheated and left her for another girl

Me - dated officially 15 months - She said no one treated her the way I did and that I was the perfect guy and the one and all of that. Even my parents couldn't believe how much I did for her. We had that connection that people thought we were together years more than we actually were

I know people argue whether or not GIGS is real, but I really need to come forward and say it is. I could be here forever writing the full story, but things really changed once the topic of grad school came out of nowhere. We had issues that we needed to work out obviously, but I think they only became so much more detrimental for us because she was already fading away into this state of confusion and uncertainty.She latched on to the guy that was around her the most other than me for emotional support and as a getaway and began to go into this mid-20s crisis of going out, partying, drinking, smoking and all of the things she was never really about. Now she is likely in this rebound relationship and who knows how long it will last. I almost left her because of all the emotional baggage she had from her ex with me, so I can only imagine how much stress she is putting this new guy under..but who knows. I rebuilt her heart and now she is changing. Obviously the person I fell in love with isn't there anymore, but a part of me really hopes she will come to her senses and come back. She is ambitious and wants a bright future and stability to have a loving family and a guy that has no future plans and spends all of his money on drugs and beer is not going to go anywhere. I'm sure she will get tired of it at some point. What further cemented this was that like I said earlier. She knew this was a phase and she didn't understand it, but had to pursue it. I think she somewhat knew of what was coming over her, but that she wouldn't be happy unless she got it out of her system and that she also didn't want it to hurt me. She brought me down gently as she could and still wanted to be friends, but I have since told her I need time to heal. So when she has texted me I have responded in short messages that are not cold. I try to be sincere, but just convey that I am healing and also want to give you space.

I would give anything to get her back even now because I feel so strongly that we had a special connection that isn't worth throwing away. We had so many things going for us that all of her friends were jealous of and then she had this sudden change of heart. It's weird. I know that even if she came back to me today (not at all likely I know) that we would ned to approach things differently. I feel as though if I want a future for us, I need to move on. I have learned a lot from this break up about what it takes to maintain a healthy, strong relationship and it makes me want to be with her and really show her what we can be.But she needs to come out of this thing herself and whether or not I stay in the picture is not my decision. I don't blame her for leaving me for someone else because above all we both want eachother to be happy and she did try to hold on, but we had so many other outside issues going on, there really wasn't a fighting chance. The best I can do is wait it out, but move on and that's what I intend to do. I've been reading alot of stuff between this site and loveshack (this one seems to have people that are overall less bitter). I've read alot about GIGS, rebounds, taking exes back, not taking them back, reconciliation stories and how to move on. I just thought I should come here to vent and write my story for what it is worth.

I truly feel we will be together again. I know I need to go out there and meet other people, but right now I am not ready for anything serious and I'm okay with that. My ex has been respecting the fact that I need space and has not left me bread crumbs. She is happy right now and that is all I want for her, even though I'd rather she be with me only time will tell. For the time being I will do my own thing and work on my senior thesis and improving my life (working out, guitar, learning Dutch for grad school, etc) I am so anxious for what the I still think about her alot, but the pain is slowly going away and I finally have my appetite again (I lost 10 lbs, a good loss though). My heart longs for her, and I expect those feelings to slowly subside over time as the days continue to roll by. Reading on this site has helped, but I think too much of it just keeps you focused on future possibilities that may never happen which is bad. I have such a better understanding of love and what it means to be in a serious relationship with someone and although it's my first break u and it sucks, it is probably something everyone needs to experience. Though GIGS is probably the worst kind since the person you love not only fades away, the person that is there is then with someone else that is a clear downgrade from you.

It's a learning experience that I will never forget and I cherish the experience I had with her and that I had the privilege to be an important person in her life. A relationship with this girl was no walk in the park, but it only made me so much more attracted to her. To be that guy that was there when no one else is and to be that guy that was happy to be able to put up with things no one else could. I loved all of her flaws and she made me happy. Now, I am learning to love myself and I know that whoever walks into my life next will be the luckiest girl in the world, I just hope its her still.

I know that for me to take her back she will have to have changed into a better, more mature person and that I would need to fall in love with her again. I can forgiver her for what she did as long as she can acknowledge her mistakes and be willing to be more committed and work on issues openly. I know it's wishful thinking, but I just want you all to know I believe that people don't necessarily need to be punished for some of the mistakes they make. I believe in Second Chances and that if it didn't work out the second time then clearly we are not to be with eachother.

Thanks for reading this, if you made it this far. I will answer any questions or anything else and also update this thread if anything further develops.

TLDR: Great first relationship with GF, GF got GIGS during rough patch, left for rebound, I fought for her (big mistake), No Contact, I want her back still, I learned alot, I'm moving on slowly, hope to reconcile one day and will let you all know if I do

Well, let me say that I think you're well on your way to be a PhD student. You've done thorough research on your situation, and you have been able to reflect very well on your situation. You've learned to step back and properly analyze your situation, and have drawn countless lessons from the relationship. At the end of the day, that's the most important part.

I'm currently going through the exact same thing as you with regards to GIGS, except my temptations are dampened a little since distance separates me and my ex. I know what it's like to want nothing more in the world than her, even though she's hurt you and was by no means perfect. I'd give anything to have woken up with my arm around her this morning... Not for sex or anything, but just to hold her close to me and never let go.

Although, I must say... As well thought out as your post is (in fact, it's probably the most comprehensive post I've ever seen in my short time here), I'm a little confused as to what you're looking for. We can help with a lot of things here, but I'm not quite sure if you're looking for advice, sympathy, or something else.

Thank you so much for the compliments and I can really relate to how you feel. It is tough, but it is that fondness and connection that makes me want to forgive her and just hold on. She tried to push me away so many times early in our relationship because she felt like i deserved better than her, that she was broken. It only made me more attracted to her and it really stuck. It's a feeling that you were created specifically for someone else. I'm a selfless person and I've learned now the healthy and unhealthy way of going about life that way. It is true that you need to love yourself before you let others love you.

Yes, indeed I wrote quite a bit. Literally sat here for an hour typing it up, and I left a lot out. I posted this for a couple different reasons I think:

1. Being someone who recently has been all over this site, loveshack and others, I was looking for certain things. First it was people in the same boat as me and validation. Then it was for hope, reconciliation stories and what it takes to move on. I decided I would put my story here to give just another example of the predicament both of us found ourselves in and with luck, I may one day complete this post with reconciliation. People generally come here when their heart is broken, not when it is fixed. I hope to one day to be able to come back here and sign off this thread with the prospect that reconciliation does happen, but only time will tell.

2. It helps to write and vent. It made me feel better atleast to write to something that listens rather than microsoft word. I am not looking for any specific advice, but any is always welcomed.

3. I didn't touch on this as much in the post as I wanted to, but I know alot of people contest GIGS does not exist and separation is merely due to loss of attraction. While attraction is key, I think in my situation it was GIGS and the sudden fear of commitment that caused me to subconsciously become less attractive. In other words, she was already gone. The sweet little acts I did for her, our dates that were few and far between at the time, and our time together became numb to her. The attraction died because she became a ghost, and I like many other guys only came off as clingy and more desperate because I had this inner feeling I was losing something that was really already lost. Many people would argue that in reality, I just became less attractive, but the difference is this was not in my control. My gf even cited during our BU talk that I stopped doing special things for her which was not true, she just became numb to them because of her confusion and emotional absence. Many people also label those with GIGS as cruel, but I could honestly tell my ex was just as confused as me and certainly unhappy about it. It's human nature and that is not something I would blame her for even though she or we may not have done all the right things given the situation. A lot of people say there should never be a second chance for an ex, but I believe there can be if the break up was not really the fault of those involved or if both have improved into better potential partners that recognize their mistakes.

So I hope this post may even provide validation for others out there as to what happened, how to think about it, and ultimately how to respond. Thankfully for us, getting our ex back and improving ourselves start on the same street. It takes space, self reflection, self improvement, and the gradual build of inner confidence and attraction. You need to do these things regardless of what you want in the end. And if you don't attract your ex back somehow, chances are you will find someone just as good just by living the life you want (A truth I am not entirely ready to accept yet). It is a win-win (with the assumption a rekindled relationship will work out, as in my case I believe it would).

This was really well thought out, and I think I can relate. I was with my ex for the exact same amount of time as you, and she ended up getting confused and emotionally absent like you said. Over time, it just got to the point where she didn't really care about it much anymore and she didn't have a good reason why. My ex also tried to push me away quite a bit, and said things like that she didn't deserve me.

Space and self reflection is really the only thing to do, I see some of the things that I did wrong in the relationship more clearly now, but I still believe there is a chance we will get back together if it is what we both want. It was weird reading parts of your story and seeing how similar it was to mine, and I wish you good luck with whatever the outcome is.

Thank you, Palmer. I hope the outcome you are hoping for happens as well. I too believe that my ex will come out of this a better person and ready for something together, but only time will tell. There is always the chance that may never happen. Yet, I know she exhibited certain things that are not typical of GIGS behavior in that they seemed to conveyed something a bit more mature, so I have the feeling this process will not be as long for her. And considering I rebuilt her heart from the guy before me (I wasn't even a rebound), I know our connection is especially strong. I'm glad you can take something from my experience.

That being said I strongly encourage you to check out this link on LoveShack. It's author personally went through GIGS herself and sheds alot of light on the process and the mode of thinking for her while she was in it. It also benefits us in that we may have a better understanding of our ex's feelings as well as how to act in the meantime. This is the best stuff I have found to date. This thread is on a better understanding of GIGS, but you can search her posts to find her story as well. It wasn't hard to find at all.

I can't post links... look up LoveShack and the user Smokey Bear and a thread called Greater Understanding of GIGS, you will find what I am talking about. Trust me it is worth reading

Thanks, I really will have to check it out. For me, she was the busy one and had a lot going on while I didn't really. I think she almost felt like she outgrew the relationship because she was changing and I wasn't. Things kept getting steadily worse and she kept distancing herself, and that forced me to say it wasn't going to work like that, and then she ended it. I was the first guy she really ever opened up to or had anything serious with so after the honeymoon phase was over I think she started to wonder if there was something better out there or that we weren't meant to be together if she didn't feel excited by it all of the time.

I hope it works out for you, I haven't had the chance to read your whole post yet but so much of it is exactly the same. All of her friends were jealous for what we had, and were surprised that she was even in a relationship and happy. Her family loved me, and everything was great, but something just changed. I know that the connection we had was strong and I do believe we can be together again someday, but like you I know I have to move on.

Can I ask how long you have been going no contact for? It's been 21 days for me, and I know I need to wait much longer but I'm not sure when I should try to get back in touch with her, or what I would even say. Thanks again for the idea for that article, I'll check it out right now.

In reality we broke up Jan 5th, but we didn't officially end it until the 8th I think after we had what was supposed to be a final talk about it... at the time I had no idea what I was really in for. She wanted to be friends and so did I, so we would continue talking. She usually initiated the conversations, even went out of her way to do so some times, but she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. Then I went into survival mode and really f-ed things up for myself, but the thing is with my gf is that she understood it was not who I was and she did not hold any of it against me. Though there was one 5 am incident, she may still be holding back, but overall we had our last talk on good terms. Once I realized I needed time away from her to heal as well as the fact NC is important even if I wanted another chance, I dropped off. I told her I need time to myself and she respected it. That was 15 days ago as of today.

Since then I've heard from her twice. She found out about my dad going to the ER and texted me to see if I was okay, and I kept it short, thanked her for her concern and saidI had to go. That was Day 2. Then she texted me on like day 9 to see if I could meet up with her to give me the money she owed me. I don't remember if I put it in the post, but I pretty much gave her one of my credit cards for food and gas in case she had no money since she was completely broke.. she really has never been good with credit cards lol. (to be fair, I did also give it to her so she could go visit a girl friend before her birthday that lives about 4 hours away, that rang up most of it in gas, etc.)I only say all of this because this is how bad our position was and I really took a hit for it. It's not attractive to be completely dependent on a guy like that, though I don't think it would have made a difference. GIGS seems to be like a time bomb in reality. I am waiting for her to text me when she can give me the money again. Have made no effort to contact her and it is important that I don't for the sake of what I want. Any contact you give her will strengthen her bond with the replacement guy.

Sorry for such long posts! TLDR** 15 days NC/LC - I haven't initiated contact

Sorry Shaun. I left you hanging there. There are too many threads to keep track of!

How've you been holding up through it all? It seems like you're handling it quite well.

Ohhh okay. I also thought at first I wanted to try to be friends, and she did too. I told her I would text her in a few days after we broke up, and I haven't yet and don't plan to anymore. She hasn't initiated any contact with me either because she doesn't want to make things harder for me or she doesn't want to. I read through most of that thread and a lot of it made some sense. She kept trying to distance herself and would find things to get mad about that she never would have before, I think to almost try to validate the confusion she was having. As far as I know, there is no replacement guy right now and there wasn't in the weeks leading up to the breakup, but I really have no way of knowing for sure.

In my gut I feel like she is going to come around eventually and realize how great what we had was, but I can't let myself expect that. It sounds like GIGS, and people who went through that have pretty similar stories, but I really won't know until the hypothetical day comes when she wants to talk again about us. I made a post about my situation just after the break up a couple of weeks ago if you want to look at it and compare. Just how fast everything changed and how set she was on not being with me all of the sudden really blew me away.

@Denguin, day by day. I'm doing pretty good. The post I sent Palmer to really cleared up the rest of the confusion I had and I feel good. I am not at the full acceptance stage yet, but I know I've touched it atleast once. I can eat again, focus on my studies, haven't thought about her as much, but still quite a bit sometimes. I miss her, but I know right now she is happy. That is all that matters to me.I hope she comes back, but those feelings are being stored safely to the side for now. The more i've studied into this, the better I have felt.

@Palmer, I'll check out your story. In the mean time just focusing on creating the best possible version of yourself. Give her reasons to regret leaving you, but without the anger. If you want recon, you need to allow yourself to become empathetic to her situation which takes some time and a lot of thinking and discipline in the mind.

Yeah, I am definitely getting there. I know she didn't do it to hurt me or anything, she did what she thought was right. I think staying busy and improving yourself is the best thing to do here.

I'm glad to hear of your progress. Focusing on something you're passionate about and that you know will make your future better is always a good thing. Keep doing what you're doing. I found that understanding the dynamics of GIGS helped me as well - I'm able to walk away with my head held high, knowing I did everything I could to be a good boyfriend.

I, myself, am about 1.5 months into NC with my GIGS break up. I've definitely been thinking about it a lot less through the days, and my emotional swings aren't as big. Some days I feel like I'm completely over it and don't really care that she's likely dating someone else right now. That said, I do feel like I've had a relapse the past couple days. Up until then, I hadn't cried at all for about a month straight. The last few nights I've shed a few tears... Nothing dramatic, but still somewhat concerning for me. Perhaps it had to do with just the coming and going of Valentine's day, just because I had already planned something for us, but never got the chance to actually carry it out. Oh well, hopefully those emotions cease sooner rather than later.

@Palmer - just read through your post. I feel for ya man and it seems like you are doing well. If I were to shed some insight, I think your situation is not exactly GIGS, but more so a much more primitive version dealing with maturity as well as that early college stage in which most people just want to have fun and not be burdened with the emotional chores of commitment. Your ex doesn't seem to have much of a grip n what she really wanted or how she wanted to live her college experience and it happens.

When I refer to GIGS, it is more than just deciding a relationship is not what someone wants. It is a specific set of patterns that delve into emotional maturity and crisis. The person loses sight of who he or she is and does a complete 18 to find the missing feeling that brews in their heart seemingly out of nowhere. People who get this tend to develop a fear of commitment on a larger scale and are beginning the process of learning the difference between being in love and being loved.

Overall, this is not to discourage you, but maybe provide some thought that your ex is likely just conflicted about what she wants. She liked you and your relationship, but it seems to have conflicted with what her ideal college experience could be. Because you guys end on terms that were more or less due to circumstance, you could rekindle things in a much less predictable way because neither of you are going through a specific maturation process that GIGS is associated with. I point out some of the differences here to maybe give you some clarity.

Your ex is more than likely just breeding ideas in her mind about what she should be doing in college and regretfully for you, it did not include a relationship because from what I can tell she is not ready for it or simply cannot handle it. If such is the case then the reality is you are better off because you will not be wasting your effort and enduring pain for someone who is on the fence about your commitment to her. When she is ready, and if your bond was strong enough, she may come back, but do not wait for that. College is an unpredictable beast in the dating world and a lot of it is almost anything goes. It is a time when people just reaching the beginnings of adulthood begin to experiment and cultivate their own identities and persona. Use this time to develop your own as well and enjoy it. Take the time to meet people and become socially involved, you may find yourself happier and the process more rewarding.

In the mean time I wish you the best with this. If she comes back, great, but the ball for that is in her court right now and you need to let her hold it for awhile. Just keep doing your own thing in the meantime and making a better version of yourself.

I just realized I was assuming in my post that you both just started college as freshmen...forgive me if these assumptions were wrong, you did not indicate an age and I assumed you really meant starting college as in new to college

@Denguin that's good to hear you are doing well for the most part. And I have used the same logic, I put my best foot forward in the relationship and that's what matters. I know she will be back one day because I rebuilt the heart she uses to breathe every day, but whether or not I will be available for that is not my concern anymore. If I am great, if not I will likely be happy with someone else. That is what has been the most satisfying, finally recognizing the importance of making yourself happy.

I can relate to the pain. I have my moments. Valentines day doesn't help, even though she always said she hated it (most women seem to, but not really...). If anything I can remind myself that I saved a couple hundred bucks from my credit bill. I'd still like her back, but she needs to go through this growing process. Sometimes moving on feels weird because you feel yourself losing affection for that person and it feels wrong, but it's all a learning experience I'd rather live with than without. I'm happy just being me most of the time and it feels good

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. And we are both just starting college as freshmen, the second semester started slightly before the breakup. She isn't into parties or drinking, so that was never something she wanted to go out and do. She plays basketball for her school, and that took up a lot of her time and she really just focused on that mostly. She always knew how committed I was to her, and we always had a good time when we were together. Whenever we were apart she was unsure about things I guess, and then it seems like she just kind of made a decision that we shouldn't be together. She said that even though she wanted things to be different she could never focus on being with me because she would think of a bunch of other things she would rather be getting done instead of making plans to hangout with me. Can I ask what you mean by rekindle things in a less predictable way? I really appreciate the read and the advice though.

You are definitely correct about her being conflicted on what she wanted. We would have a good night and she would be happy with things for about a week, then she would just get cold and distant. I started to resent her and I wanted things to change or for it to end, so remembering how unhappy I was at times helps.

What i meant by 'rekindling things in a less predictable way' is that your circumstances are much different from mine. my ex needs to go through a very specific set of phases that involve self exploration and reflection that takes months to years depending on the person. yours is just conflicted. one minute she wants this, next she wants that. she needs time to figure out her priorities.. how much time does she want to spend devoting to herself, her future, her interests, the present, and then at the end of that trails potentially another someone. Once she figures that out things can be different. College can be overwhelmingly tough for people your age because for the most part its like another 4 years of high school and you are still maturing a ton. everybody responds to it differently and your ex is no exception. that is why it is unpredictable.

what you have going for you is a history and in time your ex will disassociate all of her inner confusion from you. she will remember the good moments and may one day be swayed to come back, or test the waters so to speak. in college almost anything is possible because it's essentially 4 years of using newfound freedoms to make impulsive decision after decision. After her first year she will likely reflect over break as to whether or not her experience was satisfying and that reflection will include you to some extent. college is almost anything goes, but it is a double edged sword too

Okay, yeah that makes sense. She wasn't every really a boyfriend having kind of girl ever, and she definitely didn't plan on having one in college but we stayed together because we were so close. It was rocky at first, then it evened out, then it got bad again. I always assumed it was GIGS because I just thought it was a person not being sure anymore and wondering if there was something better out there. Towards the end, she started dropping hints that she wasn't sure about us, and was having doubts. She said she didn't know how long we would be together, but she was happy with what we have now. I think some kind of GIGS could be a part of it, but I don't think she has another guy lined up or anything.

I agree, anything is possible in college right now. I could end up meeting someone that is better for me than she was, and the same for her. Her basketball season is winding down now, and I was thinking about getting in touch with her after that or after spring break. I guess I don't want to wait long enough to where we don't have any kind of bond anymore. And some mutual friends have told me that she thinks that I hate her, which I definitely don't.

I know what you mean, I did everything I could to make her happy and always put her first. I know that this wasn't something I could control and that I did my best and was good to her. It's at least good to think that it would take her a while to find someone that treated her as well as I did, and if she does find someone that does, I guess he deserves her. Thankfully, Valentine's Day was never something she really cared about but it has gotten me thinking about her more.

If she thinks you hate her that is generally a good clue on her emotional maturity level (being an indicator that it is on the low side). you can reach out to her, but ideally she should be reaching out to you. actions represent two things on a visible level as well as an invisible one. her coming back to you sends a very different message from you trying to fish her back in. If you get her back, she may very easily leave again. if she comes back out of her own free will, it could be different because she has made the decision herself and weighed her options and priorities. That being said though, she still seems like she is too unpredictable and the underlying factors which I just said might not matter. At your age it may not matter who reaches out to who...

Feel free to give it a shot, but wait for things to calm down for her first. Her season is winding down, let it end and then give her some time to herself afterwards so she can reflect on things when she is not as busy. I honestly think that she will reach out to you sometime when she has less going on.

Oh yeah I am definitely going to wait a while, both so she has time to miss me and I have time to get over it and think about it more rationally. She is pretty stubborn, and I think it would be hard for her to admit she wanted to be back with me after the mess everything was in the last month. But, that is not what I am going to worry about right now.

UPDATE:

My gf and I adopted a rescue kitten together who has grown in to a healthy, loving pet over the past year and change. Received a text from her yesterday (I haven't initiated contact with her in over 2 weeks) saying "The cat is doing well..if you care at all."out of the blue... and I know she was babysitting that day so she wasn't even with the cat lol. Regardless, it was really about me not talking to her and has nothing to do with the cat (I know she isn't that crazy as some would be led to believe). She is using the cat to reach out to me and is angry at me because she is now in the Anger phase. She is angry at me and others who have become distant instead of following through with her new GIGS life. I ignored the text, given it was disrespectful and uncalled for. She is also confused and doesn't know why she is angry because she doesn't understand what she is going through and won't for some time. She is trying to find ways to reach out to me in general as well, yesterday she also was texting my cousin about something completely different related to just us.

The next phase is Bargaining as she goes through the break up stages with her old self. She will likely start reaching out to me more and start saying things about missing me or friendship or what not. I would say that is about 3 -4 weeks away.

UPDATE 2:

Today she asked to meet with me to give me the money she owed me and some other stuff she decided she no longer wanted. She seemed like she was holding back something. Meeting when fine and I held my own really well. I used the cologne that she finds irresistible and every time we have met she has initiated a hug with me that I just went with. This time she didn,t but as soon as I motioned she jumped on me for one. Contact makes it hard to move on, and I knew this, but I'm also enjoying messing with her because I know I was coming off as attractive. I'm not sure if I'm playing this right, but it was definitely better than the last interaction we had in which I completely broke down. Now that I came off as confident again and what not I can pull back a bit more. I don't like playing games, but I do believe there is a time and place for things. After all I do want her back in the long run, but I know what that takes and its no guarantee.

When I got home I opened the envelope the money was in, and she left a note inside saying 'Thank you for always helping me in every way you possibly could.'...I cried. I'm not sure if she's not over me (in her head) or if she was just being nice, but that one dug deep in the feels. Anyway that's all I have for now. Will post more as she progresses through this.

Definitely sounds like she's having second thoughts. That's not to say she wants you two to start up again, but I think she's beginning to realize all that you were to her. Great job, you've played it really well, and it seems you hold all the cards now.

Keep us posted.

That's what I'm thinking too. It's weird because I wasn't expected this to come until a bit later, but this process is different for everyone and it's only the beginning. She is a hyper emotional person so in some ways it makes sense. Either way I will make myself a little more distant and wait it out. She's not out of it yet and has quite a way to go. Just caught me off guard to be showing regret this soon, but again everyone is different. It was certainly a good sign

Really glad you are seeing some kind of results here, hope it goes well!

Upon further reflection, I think her writing the note she left raised some emotions in her that she has been putting off and thus in this moment she was more vulnerable. I do not believe this is a reflection of herself as she 'normally' is for the time being. Regardless, it tells me she is not over me by any means and she is transitioning slowly into the bargaining phase since she was making comments about the cat and trying to convince to ask about her more.. as silly as that sounds, but again it's not about the cat lol. regardless as Denguin said, I hold all of the cards.

will keep you posted.