What a strange, winding road

Hi all. I'm sure like most here I stumbled onto the site / forum looking for answers and help.

I'm 31 years old / professional and my fiancée was 30 / professional. We aren't perfect people but we both have good jobs and our heads screwed on right. We met in March 2012 and were almost inseparable since. After moving in with her in October 2012, we had the absolute best time of our lives. Talk soon went to marriage and kids along with planning out our future. I proposed to her in April 2014 and we were slated to be married April 2015. Might go without saying but our lives joined to one and everything from our pasts didn't matter. Everything was going perfectly. We would argue briefly about things, as everyone does, but the matter was resolved quickly and we never went to bed angry.

October 2014 I noticed she wasn't acting quite right one evening after work. As we sat on the couch she began to tell me "I’m not happy with who I’ve become and how I am right now. I don’t like being judgmental towards people, I don’t like having cynical views on things and it just isn’t who I am” – I am paraphrasing because I don’t remember exactly what was said. I didn't quite know what to say but I tried to be comforting.

Early November 2014 I come home from work and she's in the kitchen cooking dinner (she often did because she got home before I did). As per the usual routine, I came in, set my things down, pet the dog for a sec, go over and kiss & hug her. I don't exactly remember how it transpired but I remember leaning against the counter while she told me " I don’t like how I am anymore. I don’t feel like myself. I’m overwhelmed with having to do everything around here, nag you to do things, and take care of you. I need help. I can’t do it all and you blow me off. I told you before, if I am not 100% certain than I cannot marry you. If I’m not 100% certain I will not marry you.” To me, in my mind, OK. No problem. Things are going to get fixed. The wake up call was noticed and things are going to happen.

I started stepping up and being more proactive. In this time span I actually did very little (wasn't much to do) but I did put forth the serious effort I knew she wanted. I made reservations for a very nice dinner on Friday night, it was wonderful. We both had an awesome time. Next day we spent with mutual friends at a beer and bacon festival. Another wonderful time.

Couple weeks later, it happened. I knew something was up the day before when her parents, who came in from out of town, went to breakfast with us to meet my dad on Saturday. My ex was very noticeably agitated. I was a bit of a jerk earlier that morning because she was giving me the cold shoulder and I was reluctant to help do yard work because I literally just woke up. Later on we got in a fight because there was an important (to me) thing I wanted to do with my friends on Sunday. Which I ended up doing. I got home from that and was met with the cold shoulder, but her parents acted normal to me. Anyways, that night I ask her what was the matter and she said we'd talk tomorrow after we get home from work. Great.

Next morning went as usual. Kiss goodbye, grab coffee and out the door. All day long I had this immense feeling of dread. I couldn't eat lunch because of the heavy feeling in my stomach. For the first time, I didn't want to go home. Got home, the feeling in my gut had worsened. I don’t even remember if we ate dinner or not. All I remember is sitting on the couch with her and the talk started. Again, I don’t remember the exact words that were said, but:

She was crying the entire time - “I told you that I am not myself anymore. I am so overwhelmed with having to do literally everything around here. We should be able to take pride in our home and WANT to make it nice and not be ashamed to have people over. It hurt me every time I’d ask you to do something and I’d get blown off. Its hurt me so bad. I told you countless times that I need help with things or I’d ask you to do something and it never got done. I told you if I wasn’t 100% certain than I could not marry you. (SHE TAKES THE RING OFF AND HANDS IT TO ME. I DON’T ACCEPT IT AND SHE PLACES IT ON MY KNEE) We need to take a break. I need time to heal and focus on the things I need to focus on if there is ever going to be a chance for us again. We have to do this. You need to move out.”

Needless to say I was at a loss of words. I was devastated. I was crying too and I could not tell you the last time I cried. Maybe when I was a small kid and I got hurt. Of course I tried to reason with her and said what little I could think of. “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to be proactive since out talk in the kitchen. I can fix this. I can change my ways. I’m so sorry for hurting you. Please don’t do this. We can work this out.” She said something like “I can’t. I can’t be with you right now because I will continue putting you before myself and I can’t do that. If there is going to be a chance for us again we need to break up” I sat there trying to comprehend everything and taking it all in. I asked her “Does this mean we’re done?” She was still crying and barely got out “I guess so”. I got up. We both were still crying. I asked her if I need to go right now and she nodded yes. I went on the back porch, smoked 3 cigarettes and started calling and texting people looking for a place to stay.

To make a long story somewhat shorter - She tells me the earliest she would be able to talk about "us" is January or February. To me, that means suck it up for a few months and work it out. My aunt died just before Thanksgiving, I called the ex, the conversation went south because I needed comfort and I needed it from her. More time goes by and we had to talk in order to coordinate me moving the things out. Each conversation always went back to me asking about us and how to fix things.

She went up north for Christmas, I didn't talk to her for 3 weeks. I was doing what I thought was NC. We talked again, mostly about us splitting the phone plan and getting the items there as I was awaiting my apartment to become available. She asked me to come get them and I did. Conversation went back to being about "us" and not understanding why she won't talk to me at all when she said she would.

Anyways, we met a couple weekends ago after another downward spiraling text conversation when I asked her if it was 100% over, to which she said it was. We met, I told her I was miserable since we split but I am working on and making progress on the things about myself that she didn't like. She still said she didn't feel like she could depend on me. Of course I tried to plead my case but to no avail. I've been a bit bitter about everything the past few weeks because it seems as if she's being petty about some things and sometimes I would make my feelings known while we talked.

I have to see her again soon to pick up something she forgot she still had of mine and I have a box of things of hers that was mixed in with my things.

I am sorry for what you are going though, but by the sounds of it she has shut down and has no plans on giving you another chance.

I am sorry for what you are going though, but by the sounds of it she has shut down and has no plans on giving you another chance.

Yeah, I'm seeing that too. I just found out the other day she unfriended me on Facebook, yet all of our pictures still remain. I know the guy she was with before me and they're still friends on there. I don't get it.

There are about a billion details I left out of the original post.

I think that she became fed up with YOUR behavior, which resulted in her feelings about who SHE had become within the relationship.

The sad thing is, your behavior could have been changed if you had put any effort into it.

I do not disagree with that statement. I don't disagree with her reasons either. Being able to take this time and look back on it, she was right. I got complacent, and thought everything was good to go. I was no longer being proactive.

She felt like I would blow her off when I was asked to do something. In reality, she would ask me to empty the dishwasher for example, and I'd tell her "sure. no problem" and I would flat out forget or get sidetracked with something else. I never intentionally did anything to harm her.

Two things:

She shouldn't have to ask you to empty the dishwasher. Even at my bf's house, if I go to get a fork or glass and the stash is low, I check to see if the dishwasher has been run and just empty it. If he hears me doing that, he gets up and comes in to help. She also shouldn't have to ask you to cut the grass, empty the gutters or take out the trash. You are a grown man, engaged. A partner. Not a teenager whose mom has to tell him to do his chores.

By forgetting or getting sidetracked --- your behavior says "what is important to you has no importance to me. Including just doing it to make you happy".

I think it is interesting that she commented about the responsibilities of keeping a home, and you responded by planning a nice dinner out, and then a day with friends.

She needed to see in you the ability to be responsible, to take care of daily living, to plan time for the yard, the garage, the grocery store, etc. Sometimes, you get up so the bulbs can get planted and the grass cut before you go to brunch. Same as, sometimes you get up early to get 6 miles in before work, or before Saturday's brunch with friends. Working out, keeping up the house, making plans for each other - those are responsibilities that facilitate sharing a life together.

She was right to go, I'm sorry to say. Her words were clear. Your response was... off base. You didn't want to get up to work in the yard? Well, maybe when she comes home, she just wants to sit down and relax, instead of working in the kitchen. What is the difference?

OP, btw it wasn't about you being complacent, not making an effort for her.

It was about you not being responsible for yourself.

I wasn't really expecting this to go like this lol.

I'm saying I see all of that now. Yeah, it's probably too late, but I see it. There is a problem with me and I am in the process of fixing it. Not to win her back, but because it needs to be fixed. I didn't see it with her.

I was staying with a friend and his wife for a month and a half while waiting on my apartment and I was proactive while there. Not just because I was a guest in their home, but because I needed to do my laundry, and make my bed, and show them appreciation for helping me out by randomly cleaning or cooking. Basically what a normal person would do in that situation.

She did the laundry, cleaned the house, and the like because that was one of her ways of showing love. As she stated those were the "little things" that show people that they're loved. I had always thought of the "little things" as the certain looks, sneaking to hold hands, etc. It just never crossed my mind that by not doing chores it was hurting someone.

Usually Sunday was chore day. I would mow the grass, weed eat, edge, trim trees / bushes, whatever. Did I want to do it? No, especially in the summer in FL. I still did it because it needed to get done. It's not like I never lifted a finger around the house. I could have done more though.

SxPxDx, I don't get it. Why didn't you guys get a handyman or housekeeper to take some of the pressure off both of you? My Mister doesn't help around the house, either, but he's willing to pay professionals to do what he won't (or can't). Easy fix.

I get that she did everything around d the house as a way of showing love. If you assume she will always do it, it stops being a gift from her and starts being an obligation.

Hey I think you would benefit from reading the 5 Love Languages. It would help you understand what and why she needed it from you. And now you will know better in the future.

Seems like you took advantage of your gf and used her as a free maid and cook while not even stopping long enough to consider that it's wrong or that she is not happy. In fact, you were pretty much oblivious to her growing distress and dissatisfaction with the relationship. Your demeanor is basically, "oh goody she is doing this so I get a free ticket out of chores." Basically like a little kid happy about getting a snow day from school.

Also, you don't seem to get that when you say "Sure. No problem." and then proceed to "forget" or "get distracted" and not actually do what you've promised, the message that you are actually sending is "eff you I don't give a carp".

I would also dispute your belief that she was doing all these things out of love. Yes, she was loving it all so much that she dumped you. It sounds like she fired off plenty of warning shots accross your bow, but none of them worked. Even at the very end, last straw - she asked you to step up at home, your response was to take her to dinner and hang out with friends. You showed her clearly and conclusively that you just don't get it and it sounds like you still aren't getting it. The correct response would have been to go scrub the toilet, wash the floors, text her when she is on the way from work telling her to relax, pour herself some wine, because you'll be making dinner and not just once, not because you feel in trouble, but on a regular basis.

You did your own laundry at your friend's house because you had to, aka nobody would do it for you....that pretty much says it all....smh.....

How clean was your place before she moved in?

Perhaps I should clarify some things since it seems as I just painted a big target on my back.

The point is it's not that I refused, or otherwise declined to help do anything. It really is the simple fact of I wasn't paying attention to the clues she was leaving me and I didn't have as much internal importance of those things as she did. It wasn't like we had a chore list to do either. We would both be sitting on the couch watching TV or something similar and she would get up to go to bed and ask if I'd empty the dishwasher before I went to bed. I said I would of course and yes, I should have got up right then and did it but I didn't. I kept watching the TV or would go let the dog out and it would slip my mind. There were never any "I have my man jobs and you have your woman jobs", nor were there any defined roles. Also, FWIW, it's not that I never did anything, I did plenty of times, it was just to me those things did not have the highest priority to me.

I've always been a big picture thinker. I knew she didn't want to live in FL anymore (she's from IN, I'm from FL), and I was trying to get another job somewhere within her preferred geography. I was trying to find a job that not only would I tolerate, but one that could provide for us both and the future family we planned. Please do not take this as me making excuses. I am simply stating a few facts / rambling on.

Last time we met up to talk she told me about how happy she is that there is no more aggression or negativity around her. She cited an example of going to the tasting for our wedding. Back story to that is I borrowed something from a friend of mine and we had an agreement I would use it for 1 match then return it. During this time I was unable to attend any matches because of an injury I suffered, which also left me sidelined to do the yard work and pretty much I was useless for a couple months while I healed. The tasting fell on the same day as the match and I was kind of upset about it. I gave my friend my word, but at the same time the tasting was more important. When we were at the tasting, it wasn't my cup of tea. I don't do well in fancy settings and I was very apprehensive. I came accross as negative I know. In all honesty, I'd give anything to be there with her. The first room was all flowers and settings. I don't know anything about that stuff and I want her to have what she wants. We looked at all the samples, talked to a minister, and all that stuff. I loosened up when we got to the food. I was taking notes as we went from station to station along with plenty of samples. It was better than I expected. From there, my responsibilities were to figure out the guy's tuxs, the DJ, set up a cake tasting, and we plan the menu together. I picked out some tuxedos online, but it was way too early to get fitted. I would look for DJs during downtime at work, which was few and far between. I got quotes from a couple, and the 2 cake vendors we had to choose from never responded to me.

I know none of that makes any difference. She's gone and there isn't anything I could possibly do to get her back, although I hope and pray that one day I have a chance to show her I've changed and that it could be better than it ever was. I hate myself for hurting her, and I'm ashamed it took this to happen for me to have a true wake up call. I don't blame her for resenting me or anything, but I just want her to at least let me try and make amends and tell her how sorry I am.

And how would you do that? Prove that you "hear" her?

No. Just hope that one day we reconnect somehow and she sees the changes. I'm not going to take daily pictures and email them to her or anything.

When it all boils down, I know without a doubt she's the ONE and if I never see her again, she will always be the one that got away.

SxPxDx…I'm sorry you're going through this. This isn't all your fault. You have to accept that. Forgetting to empty a dishwasher. Big deal. You had an injury that prevented you from working in the yard. Understandable (but someone really should have called a service while you were down). I can't believe things like this, so small really, could make someone reconsider their entire life.

I think she expected you to be into the minutia of the wedding and what man is? In some ways, you were set up for failure there.

AutumnBorn, I dont agree. It is not just the chores, but her attempt to resolve her discomfort and his utter inability to understand. It's a funDamen talk inability to connect.

AutumnBorn, I dont agree. It is not just the chores, but her attempt to resolve her discomfort and his utter inability to understand. It's a funDamen talk inability to connect.

She was overly critical of others (him) and didn't like how she'd become (her words). She feels so much better without the negativity and aggression surrounding her (her words), but I don't know, I didn't read anything so concerning in his behavior that I'd call off a wedding. She was unhappy with herself, it seems. He loved her just as she was, though she complained about things that didn't matter and could be so easily resolved.

He's not a mind reader. He listened and gave her comfort. Usually, we don't need someone to "fix" us. We need them to listen. He did that. If she needed more, she should have said so. And, in a way, she did.

For what it's worth ..and there is no harm in getting lots of differing opinions , that is what makes our forum magical ..we all do have a different view point ..

I think she has made much a to do about nothing .....I think she was dissatisfied with life ..with the reality of being in a partnership , with the whole housewife malarky , with taking care of someone , with working together , with realising that yeah ..you can clean your house then your man/woman/kids/dog/7 cats can walk in and destroy all this within seconds .

I think you inadevertently slipped into "sunday husband" routine ... get your chores done on a sunday while mum does a sunday roast routine ..

sadly you didn't realise that her telling you these things where actually as serious as they where ..you love her and want her to be happy and after your chats I dont think you quite realised that it wasn't getting better .....while you carried on , she seems to have been getting more and more irritated ...sadly you didn't see this till it was too late . But honestly , I don't know if you could have ever achieved what she wanted ..the dynamics to live together where just not there and I feel that it would have exploded over something else to be honest .

You havent got a target on your back darling , dont think that ... the people posting have good heads on their shoulders and are just giving their view point .

You don't sound bad to me! Maybe she needs a different type of partner, but to me you sound quite normal and not lazy or irresponsible at all.

I'm having a lot of trouble my ex and I started dating 7 months ago things got really hot and heavey she is going through a bad bad divorce I have been there for everything we have never fought never argued nothing.. 4 weeks ago I have never felt more loved by a women in my life the 2 weeks ago she text me we need to slow things down. Then she needs time to get herself back and don't have no time to b in a serious relationship.. so Saturday we talked a bit and I ask if she wants me to wait she said she would not ask that of me because it's selfish then I ask so r we done and she never answered well we have talked a little since then and I don't know what's going on we were perfect we laughed we have same sense of humor we laugh all the time I love her what do I do

dport , you need to start a thread yourself ..as this is someone elses thread asking for help ,so each person who needs help , starts their own ..so the other posters can concentrate on one thread at a time ...also this wont be seen by many , only the people who want to answer to this thread ...

are you having problems seeing how you start your own ..I can help if you are .

If you go back onto the main page , you will see a list of subforums on the right hand side ..pick which one you feel is appropriate to your situation and click on it ..at the top you will see it gives you an option to start a new thread ...

so you will need to name it something as the title ....then write your problem and post it ...it will then appear on the main page giving everyone a chance to see it .

if you have any problems let me know and I will start the thread for you .