Need advice on possible breakup

Hi eNotAlone,

I'm writing to you all for some advice. I'm nearing the conclusion that it might be time for me to end things with my girlfriend of 11 months. Oh and my apologies in advance if I'm a bit wordy with all this.

In terms of the breakup, it's not particularly anything she's done wrong (or at all), but rather I feel like I'm not in a good place with myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. I've been dealing with depression for most of my adult life and while its not really been an issue in the recent past, its crept up a lot lately. It should be noted that I smoke marijuana to help deal with some of my anxiety (something I've only started doing in the last few months, which helps a lot), and I have taken anti-depression meds in the past (which also helped sort of, temporarily at the beginning: ie. SSRIs).

Sometimes I feel great and she and I will have a great day together. Sometimes I feel really low and, while I enjoy her company while she's at my apartment very much, sometimes I just want some space and need some introvert time. She is aware of this and supports me if I need that time.

Honestly I feel like breaking up with her won't really change much for me, other than kick start me getting into a “rebuilding” mode post breakup (something I've become too familiar with). I've had a chain of unsuccessful, short-term relationships in the past 3 or 4 years (this current one being the longest since my college days when I was in a relationship for 3 years), and I notice towards the end each time that I just get down in the dumps and can't seem to bring myself out of it.

As for my gf, she's going to be going to grad school soon, and is focusing on finishing that whole process. She also works full time during the day. That and she commutes at least 40 minutes both ways to come see me (because I'm closer to her work/school. She lives way outside town). She's a busy bee to say the least.

On top of that, the lease on her apt will be ending soon, and her parents (who also live in the same town) have asked her to move back in with her. She and I briefly discussed it last night, and we both think this is a good idea for her situation: save up cash, no need for new roommates, comfortable environment etc. In light of this news, I feel like this has prompted me to think about the breakup even more.

Overall, I just feel like the stars are aligning for us to breakup. If she's going to be in grad school, living with her parents, and I'm over here in a rut trying to figure my life out, I just see this as a good time to initiate the breakup and see if we can both move on.

I'm lost with my job and feel really insignificant with where I'm at. I know that I need to go back to school (online or otherwise) and increase my skill-set first though before I go back to look for a new job. I already have a degree in Electrical Engineering, but I'm stuck in the software world as a glorified ticket creator. It pays the bills for now, so I really can't complain too much. My current job is good in the sense that I can work from home and self-study in the meantime. Overall, besides the job, I feel really aimless with my life and don't know what the heck I'm doing. I seem to be in a cyclical rut of happy/sad regardless of who or what I'm interacting with. I don't have the spark of happiness or energy that I have had in the past regarding my outlook on things.

Again, as I've said, she's truly done nothing wrong. This girl loves me up and down, and I think I'm just not able to reciprocate it 100%. I don't see her (or any of the past women I've dated) as the “one”. I firmly believe that for me to settle down and get married, I need to have that feeling of knowing that I can't live without this person. For the current girlfriend, while she is extremely caring and supportive and wonderful, I just don't see her as my mate for life.

I think also that she and I have just become somewhat monotone in our love life. There's basically zero excitement (even though we both started off very intensely at the beginning of things) and my physical attraction to her has gone significantly down. I find that I do not initiate sex with her and she has essentially become a cuddle buddy that spends the night a few days a week. I find myself becoming interested in other females I may see in public as well as stalking a few ex's online (which I'm just casual friends with today) which has become routine. Not exactly stellar behavior.

What's really frustrating to me is that I do have feelings for her, aside from the physical aspect. She is extremely smart, witty, has interesting opinions, enjoys a lot of the same things as I do, and she really makes me feel good about myself sometimes when I'm down. As I've said before, I really can't fault her for anything. It's been really wracking my brain deciding all of this.

Perhaps I need to not date for a while. Perhaps I need a change of scenery. Before she and I started dating, I was in the “focus on me” phase of life, and happened to accidentally stumble upon her and we hit it off. There may have been some rush to get into a relationship on both our parts, and perhaps that should have been a red flag all along. Maybe I was just wanting the security of a relationship?

Had that not happened, maybe I'd still be single and working on myself. Maybe I'd have met someone else. I know that the “grass is greener” syndrome is playing a part here...but I've given this a lot of thought. Breakup, post-breakup, deleting friends off FB, going NC, thinking about what she's doing when I'm not there, getting more depressed, slowly rebuilding myself, finding myself back where I started, rinse and repeat for about a year until I'm “over it”.

I'm just really tired of it all, and its a bit disheartening from my perspective. I'm not in my 20's anymore, and I feel like I'm way behind in life. I know that I can change these things down the road, but I think I need to be alone to do them.

On top of everything else, she and I briefly talked this morning and decided we need to have a big talk at some point this weekend. She says she wants to talk about what's bothering me and where our future is. I have a gut feeling she might be reaching the same conclusion as me.

Any ideas or thoughts or comments are appreciated.

Likely she is on the same page. She seems to have a life plan and is working it...while you seem to have great ideas and are drifting.

I would say that the relationship has run its course and you both have a life to lead and are to young to be in such a rut.

Good luck.

I firmly believe that for me to settle down and get married, I need to have that feeling of knowing that I can't live without this person. For the current girlfriend, while she is extremely caring and supportive and wonderful, I just don't see her as my mate for life.

I think you could have just written this, and that would suffice as a reason. You're just not feeling it, the end.

You don't need a good enough 'case' for a breakup--there is no judge or jury in your love life.

While working and studying at home might seem ideal, it's not good for depression. It isolates you from the world that would otherwise draw you away from navel gazing and sinking even deeper into isolation.

I'd consider pursuing therapy and a course of study that commits you to outside interaction. If you can work in your office a couple times a week and develop some simpatico with coworkers, that would be more helpful than you can imagine right now.

Depression is as much a physical condition as an emotional one, and building habits that cater to it might feel comfortable at the moment, but those are not your friend. It's not enough to 'know' stuff in your head while you dig yourself in deeper, because if you wait until you 'feel' like doing the things that are good for you, you're sunk.

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. Pushing yourself to commit to people and show up 'for them' rather than allowing yourself to cocoon forces you into a different kind of motivation. It can lift you past the danger zone, which, if allowed to take hold, will NOT improve on its own.

Head high, and go with your gut regarding the relationship.

Thanks for the replies so far. @catfeeder I would definitely agree with a lot of what you're saying. It's been recommended for me to seek therapy, but I have been reluctant. I feel like I can tackle that beast in my own way, at least at first. If therapy is an option that I need to seriously consider down the road, then perhaps that's the road I need to take. I'm reluctant because I've done therapy before when I was in college (also dealing with depression, family issues, and was right before the end of a different relationship) and I didn't have a great experience with it.

Thanks for the replies so far. @catfeeder I would definitely agree with a lot of what you're saying. It's been recommended for me to seek therapy, but I have been reluctant. I feel like I can tackle that beast in my own way, at least at first. If therapy is an option that I need to seriously consider down the road, then perhaps that's the road I need to take. I'm reluctant because I've done therapy before when I was in college (also dealing with depression, family issues, and was right before the end of a different relationship) and I didn't have a great experience with it.

How exactly are you going to deal with it? Getting high is not the long-term route you should be considering.

Hi there, it sounds like your battle with depression and emotions along with you pulling away from your relationship seems like you need to get out of the relationship. You even said you don't feel like she is the one so don't waste your time.

I know you didn't ask for this, but I would seek therapy regarding your depression. You mentioned you said you had a negative experience but that was ONE negative experience and clearly what you are doing isn't working if you are constantly battling it. I would be open to seeking help.

Thanks for the replies so far. @catfeeder I would definitely agree with a lot of what you're saying. It's been recommended for me to seek therapy, but I have been reluctant. I feel like I can tackle that beast in my own way, at least at first. If therapy is an option that I need to seriously consider down the road, then perhaps that's the road I need to take. I'm reluctant because I've done therapy before when I was in college (also dealing with depression, family issues, and was right before the end of a different relationship) and I didn't have a great experience with it.

I can appreciate that, but it's like saying, "I know my health is in jeopardy and I should be seen, assessed and at least monitored regularly by someone who's trained to do this, but I had a bad experience with a doctor in the past..."

One bad therapist doesn't represent the whole profession. You've got a history of this stuff, and you still want to d!ck around with it?

C'mOn, you're smarter than that.

Stop smoking the weed. It does not help improve depression, it simply dulls your feelings, emotions and libido. Hence why you may be feeling more demotivated with your work and your relationship.

Nevertheless, I concur with other posters. If you just ain't feeling it for your GF, then end it. As you said the 'stars are aligning', maybe it's wise to listen.

Speaking of listening - I reckon speak to someone professional that has experience with depression. How much longer do you want to feel like sh*t?

I'm sorry for abandoning this post...but I do have an update.

Over the last few weeks things have been rocky, and it culminated in the last 24 hours in our breakup. She essentially initiated it and I think we both came to the same conclusion during the ensuing discussions. We both are still trying to figure out who we are, building our lives, and juggling a lot of other things all while trying to keep the relationship going.

We both agreed to "take this opportunity to grow"..and I think its really the best outcome that could have happened. We both still love each other, care about each other, and want to stay in each others lives, however that happens to manufacture itself. She asked initially if we could be friends and I said "no" at first...but I think given how we both handled things its not unreasonable to maintain some type of friendship. She has hinted at wanting to maybe reconcile down the road, which I might consider, but for now I think its best for her and I to just go solo for a bit. If things change and we happen to somehow reunite down the road, then so be it.

We didn't fight, or curse, or pull cheap shots....we both just kind of agreed that this needed to happen. She was very mature about it and I think it speaks volumes to her character.

This is a tough loss in terms of the relationship and having her be in my life...but I think going forward it is for the best. We both want each other to succeed and be happy and I think that's really the silver lining in all this. No hatred, no bad words, just understanding and compassion. She's really a great girl.

It's all really fresh and I'm still rather shaken and sad...but I do look forward to breaking the bad habits of depression.

I've stopped smoking and once the dust has settled I might consider therapy if I feel its necessary. And yes, I agree with the sentiment that one bad experience should not define my perceptions of the therapy process.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

Sounds like a good ending. Happy trails...

I've stopped smoking and once the dust has settled I might consider therapy if I feel its necessary. And yes, I agree with the sentiment that one bad experience should not define my perceptions of the therapy process.

Glad to hear that the breakup went as smoothly as those things can go, and it's natural to feel a bit of a loss and to grieve that for a while.

As for considering whether therapy may or may not be necessary, I'll just offer that the most opportune time to screen for a good therapist and to establish a useful relationship with one is BEFORE you sink too deep into a pit.

I can speak from experience there--once my pit got too rough to handle on my own, I was already incapable of taking the steps necessary to reach for help. It was same circumstances: working from home, isolating myself, allowing my relationships with friends and family to deteriorate.

Post breakup is not exactly an inspiring time to build better bonds with the outside world, and given your history and lack of motivation to cultivate relationships, I hope you'll consider it a worthy exercise to take the steps NOW to put a 'safety net' in place. Specify that you're unsure of the need at this time but your intention is to establish a therapeutic relationship for an initial assessment and to stay monitored, say, twice a month.

Then, if you start making positive progress instead of regressing, you can knock that down to once every month or two just for coaching and to keep the safety net in place for the future. On the other hand, if you find yourself rolling downhill, you can increase the sessions to once per week and discuss more intensive treatment options.

Head high, and fingers crossed for you.

Agreed, catfeeder. I believe I have coverage with my company's health insurance for mental health. It's certainly something I can at least look at. I have yet to tell any family or friends about this, so I'm going to consult them first.

I've noticed in the last 12 hours that my feelings have definitely dipped...and I believe it is doubt creeping in. She and I are still on good terms and have been texting here and there (as we normally would have with our work schedules), but I can almost sense she's pulling away a bit more. She's a bit more curt or short. It could be my perception.

I think also perhaps it is not completely sinking in for me and since this was such an amicable split I'm not sure how to process it. Usually, in my past relationships, things end badly, and I just go sink into a hole for a while (which I fully realize is NOT the correct thing to do).

I'm glad the breakup was respectful and I hope you are on the right path now.