Dating after Divorce...financially difficult, your thoughts?

I filed for my divorce 16 months ago and finalized my divorce 5 months ago and have started dating. I met a nice guy but I feel like I cannot afford to date. We alternate paying for dates but I'm interviewing for jobs so my income is 0 and his is $100k+. I expressed concerns that I cannot afford to date until I get my job so he'll go back to paying more but then we'll go to dinner and the check just sits there so I pick it up. I don't want a free ride so I think if I cant afford to date, it's better to just not date. Any thoughts?

It's probably better to wait until you are stable with your income. Not just or even majorly for financial reasons in regards to dating, but - Because it feels good to have that stability. Takes away a source of stress.

Alternatively, there are plenty of other things to do than go to dinner that are low cost. Maybe you should start making some suggestions.

personally i would want to be somewhat financially secure (at least employed) before i started doing any kind of dating. if you want to alternate paying the tab and you don't have a job...i think i'd advise sitting out for a bit. just until you are better off financially. or you could get creative with your dates and find things to do that don't cost much.

If he knows you are out of work and he makes 100k and allows you to pay, I thing you need to start dating other people.

Sorry you are going through this. Good you are focusing on work, though. So maybe date guys who enjoy doing outdoorsy stuff instead of restaurant meals.

If I were unemployed and the guy was making 100k more than me and didn't pick up the check, I'd be thinking "maybe I shouldn't be dating HIM" instead of not dating at all. Screw him. He's a thoughtless ass. JMO, of course but, yeah, a total ass.

I have to agree on both counts. It's ideal to date when you have a job but honestly, not everyone is an ideal position to date for X, Y and Z reasons. I think not having a job isn't ideal but don't let it prevent you from meeting new guys you may connect with.

Personally I find it off-putting this guy knows you aren't making much money and allows you to pay every other time. That's annoying. Granted many men have a concern the woman will expect him to pay all the time. I get that but honestly there are so many date ideas out there that I'm shocked he hasn't suggested something more low-key like an outdoor activity and grabbing quick take out. You could also develop a cute habit where he pays for dinner and you cover the dessert so that there's more balance without you breaking the bank.

He sounds like a real weasel.

Clues count!

If he knows you are out of work and he makes 100k and allows you to pay, I thing you need to start dating other people.

Sorry you are going through this. Good you are focusing on work, though. So maybe date guys who enjoy doing outdoorsy stuff instead of restaurant meals.

Great suggestion. There are many free/inexpensive things to do that don't include going to someone's house before you know them well. Picnics, walks, museums, etc.

>>I expressed concerns that I cannot afford to date until I get my job so he'll go back to paying more but then we'll go to dinner and the check just sits there so I pick it up.

Well there is something wrong with this guy if you've already told him you have no job and can't afford it and he sits there like a dunce expecting you to pick up the check for him. I would rate that he's either not too bright, or he's rather stingy or unrealistic if he expects you to go to expensive places and pay when you have no money to spare and no job.

I'd lose this particular guy, then either be upfront with anyone you date saying you can't afford to go out to dinner until you get a job but would he be up for going on other dates that don't cost money? You can bring your own coffee thermos on outings and pack food brought from home to do lots of fun things on weekends. Or attend museums or galleries or outdoor sports etc. Rather than movies, stay home and watch DVDs or stream them off the web.

So i think you can find ways to enjoy dates, but you have o find someone who is willing to understand you don't have money, or who is generous enough to pick up the tab if he wants to go somewhere you can't afford. This particular guy doesn't sound suitable for that, so i'd break it off with him.

This guy shouldn't be your barometer for dating.

Go online and set up short coffee meetings with many guys who you've screened to your liking. Spend 15 or 20 minutes checking one another out with the rule being that neither can ask the other out on the spot, but if either wants to contact the other afterward for a 'real' date, the other can either respond or not.

This allows for the fact that most people are NOT our match. It avoids the whole rejection thing while allowing you to sense whether you have chemistry with a guy before investing your time in an actual date.

It makes no sense to try to turn bad matches into a goood ones. The guy you're currently seeing is either too dense to be considerate of your current financial state, or he's deliberately lacking in compassion. I'd skip him and go find more suitable dating material.

I'd also consider that dating reciprocation can be in any form--you get to pick the activity and location of the dates where you do the inviting. So pick cheaper things to do, and when it comes to meals, you can fix up a nice picnic or cook a nice meal in your home once you've come to know someone well enough.

Head high.

Dating eating at restaurants all the time. Many free activities can be found. First things first - find that job.

If I were unemployed and the guy was making 100k more than me and didn't pick up the check, I'd be thinking "maybe I shouldn't be dating HIM" instead of not dating at all. Screw him. He's a thoughtless ass. JMO, of course but, yeah, a total ass.

Agree! Can't believe he makes you pay!

Agree! Can't believe he makes you pay!

In a way I can see why he wouldn't. An unemployed woman that is out on the dating scene can present potential red flags.

In a way I can see why he wouldn't. An unemployed woman that is out on the dating scene can present potential red flags.

Then why would he date her, if that's the case?

Then why would he date her, if that's the case?

Why are you asking me? lol I ain't the guy in question.

You threw it out that she could have red flags. I didn't understand where you were coming from?

You threw it out that she could have red flags. I didn't understand where you were coming from?

I didn't "throw" anything out, simply provided a different pov. Have a great day!

I didn't "throw" anything out, simply provided a different pov. Have a great day!

The idea came from somewhere. It was a simple question. Little defensive.

Going against the grain here.

If he were in a relationship with OP and she lost her job, surely stepping up to pay for dates would be.appropriate.

However, if they are simply dating then I don't see it as a given that he take care of every date. If they are alternating paying...then she can make her turn less costly. But I think it would be better to take a step back and focus on getting employment instead of dating...unless the connection to this guy seems like it is heading anywhere.

. . . but then we'll go to dinner and the check just sits there so I pick it up.

 

Any thoughts?

I have never seen a man who conducted himself in this manner who actually ended up placing any real value on the woman he was with.

Great suggestion. There are many free/inexpensive things to do that don't include going to someone's house before you know them well. Picnics, walks, museums, etc.

Exactly. I love spinning. It cost about $20 a session. Go for a spin and a coffee, or go to a healthy salad bar. Some might cringe, but I would love a date like this. Dinners out are overrated. Especially if you order wine. Way more than my grocery bill for the week.

If he knows you are out of work and he makes 100k and allows you to pay, I thing you need to start dating other people.

Sorry you are going through this. Good you are focusing on work, though. So maybe date guys who enjoy doing outdoorsy stuff instead of restaurant meals.

I was going to say the same thing. Lol Maybe you shouldn't be dating him at all. There's always plenty of free or inexpensive alternatives.

I was going to say the same thing. Lol Maybe you shouldn't be dating him at all. There's always plenty of free or inexpensive alternatives.

LOL get crafty

Would a woman that was making 100k date a man that was making zero dollars?

If so, would she be expected to pay, too?

Would a woman that was making 100k date a man that was making zero dollars?

 

If so, would she be expected to pay, too?

Oh, no, you didn't! lol I think OP knows the drill by now.