Popped back up after a year

Hi all,

I need to share something and hope others than relate.

About a year ago, I met a guy online and really liked him (e.g., he was funny, smart, personable). We dated for a little under 3 months. But he was continuously wishy washy and inconsistent. He'd be physically intimate with me and then not contact me for days, and I found myself putting more effort in than he did. I nearly always drove to see him, often bringing dinner. He never invited me out with his friends, turned down ideas for activities I suggested (anything requiring more effort than drinks or dinner, like going to see a show), and after sleeping with me the first time, broke things off the next day saying basically he just wasn't that into me. I was upset and hurt. I did not contact him again after that point.

Over the course of the past year, he's sporadically tried made contact (e.g., a random fb message) but never initiated real contact. Then, 2 weeks ago he sends me a text message saying he made a big mistake in not pursuing things with me. I got sucked into texting and temporarily agreed to meet up. I say temporarily because in his asking to get together, he again made no effort. He wanted me to drive to him (35 min away) with no set destination. (I'll add though, I don't think he was expecting sex--sounds weird to declare that because this reads otherwise but I suspect his approach is more laziness than motivated by anything else). So the day of, I tell him I don't want to meet up and why--that he hurt my feelings and that I just don't see myself warming to him again. He then says that when we met he wasn't fully over a recent break-up and dumbly pushed me away. No explanation for why he waited a year.

Maybe he's sincere, but by my way of operating, this isn't okay. If someone has me in front of them and doesn't want me and shows it, why put myself back out there to get hurt again? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Particularly when he again doesn't show effort. If he had offered to drive to me to do activity X, I might have thought harder about it. But now I just feel worn out from the whole thing. Conflicted because I did like him. But it's better to prevent getting entangled in something emotionally stressful again, right? This isn't the way amazing things start.

I think his actions in asking you to drive to see him when he's the one who claims to want to start dating again says all you need to know. I would be very clear with him -while being polite -about your observation so that he knows that it's that specific. If he then steps up to the plate - apologizes for giving that impression and telling you he wants to take you out on a proper date - then I don't see the harm in seeing him one more time. Short of that, I agree with you -move on.

I agree with Batya. If he wants you back so badly, then he would drive out to see you, make it easy and convienent for YOU. instead, he's back up to his old tricks. (maybe he was hoping you'd bring dinner again!!!) next!!!

Well, I'm surprised you aren't running away from this. It sounds like he's lonely/bored/couldn't find something better in the past year and he's recycling through his rolodex women who gave him lots of attention.

This kind of thing has happened to me in the past, with the guy popping up WAY later -- sometimes more than a year -- and I would say you did the right thing in cancelling on him. In one case, a guy was trying to get me to go out with him NINE years after he had brushed me off with some lame excuse (we had dated nearly 3 months when he gave me the "I'm not ready for a relationship" b.s. speech). Nine years! I was NOT interested in re-visiting things with him, and I declined to meet him. He persisted for a whole year, e-mailing me, trying to get me to meet up. He finally gave up when I ignored two e-mails in a row.

He's probably lonely, has just broken up with someone, or something like that, and he's going back through people he dated in the past to see if anyone is interested in meeting up. He was totally lukewarm to you the first time around, and it would definitely be more of the same if you gave him another chance. Put this one in your rearview mirror -- for good.

Ugh, been there, did that, learned my lesson. Who he showed you he is in the first few months is who he is, period. You're projecting hopes or fantasies on who you want him to be and not just looking at the person in front of you. Read your own description of him again and ask yourself why on earth you didn't walk the first time. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

My guess is he's between other women right now and is looking through his roster of those who he can make a minimum effort with to get the most from--I.e. sex, an ego boost, maybe you pay for food or a movie--until he's off chasing the next one.

You were right to cancel, now block and delete his number and any avenues of contact. He's shown you repeatedly who he is and what he thinks of you.

Thanks for you kind words. I think what nags at me a bit is the notion that maybe he wasn't in the right frame of mind to date too close to a breakup and genuinely might be now. That we all can understand. But even so, I don't think that's enough basis to forget about 3 months of ambivalence toward me on his part. What also bugged me was that since getting back in touch, he acted as though my feelings were on the same page--he told me how excited he was to see me, etc. And he doesn't get to hurt my feelings and then pop back up, declare he wants to try again, and then act like everything is just ducky. He even made reference in a text to being able to see me more if I lived somewhat closer and I was left thinking: Okaaaay, so you are already at the part of a relationship where you see me all the time here, but you have no idea what's in my head.

Sounds like he has an image in his head of when he last saw you. Were you really into this guy a year ago when he broke up with you? I hate it when someone does that. He needs to get over himself!! Lol

I just got out of a situation like that. Dude is sick. Look up Narcissist see of the characteristics apply to him. If he was so upset over his past relationship and that was all that was wrong with him, then why couldn't he be mature enough to tell you this? Dissapearing after being intimate tells you that he just uses people. Any real human being wouldn't do that. He thinks he has you hooked so now that you slept with him he can pop in and out of your life when it suits him. And you wont mind. People like him are busy chasing the next new shiny thing, the next high. If he wanted to see you he wouldn't be randomly texting you or Facebook messaging you, periodically. He would use all forms of communication, show up at your house, send you gifts. People like him are so bored and lonely they send out five messages at a time and see who responds then decide between those people who they want to see more. He is just between people as she said and thinks you are available. Ignore him, don't see him. He will say anything and play on your sympathy. I dated a guy like that who lied through his teeth after he didnt contact me after the second time we engaged I knew it was just a, ploy to get his needs met. And 6 weeks later he texts me saying he was busy. I didn't even know who he was but once I found out I ignored him. No further contact after that until a month and half later around Christmas time of course he contacts me feeling lonely. Saying the same lie. One text each time but he claims to have cared about me. Leave the trash out on the curb. He wants all the benefits of being a boyfriend but no strings so you can't complain about him abandoning you at his leisure. He thinks he can come back to you with a sob story and think you are a sucker. Show him you aren't and just like he feels he has no obligation to you, show him you have no obligation to him. The Narcissist I knew would get annoyed when I wouldn't comply to things as if I owed him something, like he was my boyfriend. But I couldn't get him to respond to my texts. The arrogance and entitlement of these jerks. There are a ton of better looking better human beings out there for us to pick from. Leave him to his horrible life. Go no contact, best thing I ever did. If you would like to know more about my situation a I would be happy to discuss it with you . I also wrote a thread about experience I think it's called 'dumped by a narcissist, developed gigs'

I think this is less about him being narcissistic, which we don't really know, and more about him not being interested.

I think this is less about him being narcissistic, which we don't really know, and more about him not being interested.

Yep. While he may be somewhat full of himself (we can't know this for certain) it's safer to assume that he's just wishy-washy about his interest. The good news is that he's giving you all the information you need to put him behind you and forget about him.

You did all the work in the first time round, cooking for him, driving to him, with him doing nothing in return. And now he's again asking you to drive to him and you haven't even started up yet! So he's basically pretty lazy and selfish. Regardless of anything else, you don't want a guy who is lazy and selfish. So take a pass on this and find someone who wants a more equal relationship rather than you being the giver and him the taker.

I hate when guys know we are/ were into them.......then after a looooong period of time, they assume you're still stuck on them. As if all you've done is think of them since you last spoke......lol!!! Unreal! Ick!!

He's not a narcissist...I think he's clueless though. And he only apologized for his behavior after I called him on it and told him why I didn't want to see him again. What person wants to feel like an afterthought?

you did the right thing!!!!

He's not a narcissist...I think he's clueless though. And he only apologized for his behavior after I called him on it and told him why I didn't want to see him again. What person wants to feel like an afterthought?

He's not that clueless. While you cannot know it for sure someone can have narcissistic tendencies without actually being a narc. I think as women we are more accommodating and excuse men for how they treat us. If he was that clueless he would be going through the motions. When he contacts you he had a plan and thinks of how it would like it to go as you stated. He called the shots and was use to doing so.

A person. can apologize because they think it's what you want to hear. Doesn't mean he means it. When the dude I saw contacted me I thought how can he contact me like he didn't do anything to me like it was okay? People told me "oh he's just a jerk" I don't buy it. One can't go around lying to get what they want out of people and move on so quickly with no regard for people/themselves without having psychological issues. If he was really sincere he would have told you the truth. That he wants to play the field but with girls who want relationships, so he'll lie to get what he wants.

He told you what you wanted to hear. A means to an end. He contacted you because he knew there would be a possibility that you would comply. Hr thought 'here is a girl that liked me enough to drive to me, bring me food and sleep with me. After I left her she still talks to me and has kept me on her social media...she must be cool with it. If not I'll just throw this half ass apology out and see if she takes it."

Guys aren't as clueless and unaware of others feelings as they like to make you think. Any normal person would know if you sleep with someone that likes you and decide to discard them later , it will hurt. They know this they just don't care because they have head issues.

I think its the second chance given by you in life. if you are serious about him just think once again.

I've had an ex contact me 15 years later... that's right 15 years!!! We were both very young at the time, so I had forgiven what he had done (nothing really major, but still...)... We went out for coffee and a few drinks... to my surprise he hadn't changed one bit...he was the same guy I knew when I was 16..he tried to kiss me but I refused...next day he wrote to me 2 in the morning.. He just wanted sex, that's all. I've had other guys try contact me years later after a break up... I can tell you one thing from experience... MOST guys don't change their behaviours unless they have been through a major life crisis or something... If I were you, leave it alone...this guy is just out to play with your feelings and you will end up getting hurt again. On a side note, he sounds like a narcissist.

I don't think it takes a major life crisis. Sometimes just simple growing up/maturing which is what happened in my case, on both sides (got back together almost 8 years later in our late 30s, very little contact during that 8 years).

I do think the type of contact/context/reason counts. In our case we had talked about getting together for coffee in the past and our contact was friendly/neutral. The purpose of getting together was simply to catch up -no ulterior motives on either side. I wasn't looking to see if he'd changed and honestly I put very little thought into seeing him that night because it ended up being a last minute plan after I'd had a disastrous date the night before and several harassing emails that morning. I was looking forward to dinner with an old friend where I wouldn't be asked about my dating life.

Hi all,

 

I need to share something and hope others than relate.

 

About a year ago, I met a guy online and really liked him (e.g., he was funny, smart, personable). We dated for a little under 3 months. But he was continuously wishy washy and inconsistent. He'd be physically intimate with me and then not contact me for days, and I found myself putting more effort in than he did. I nearly always drove to see him, often bringing dinner. He never invited me out with his friends, turned down ideas for activities I suggested (anything requiring more effort than drinks or dinner, like going to see a show), and after sleeping with me the first time, broke things off the next day saying basically he just wasn't that into me. I was upset and hurt. I did not contact him again after that point.

This isn't as much about him, as it is in how you want to be treated. It's not about what people say, and act, as much as it's about what they do.

Why did you continue to date someone who was weak, indecisive, aloof,.... and only dated you in order to sleep with you? To make matters worse, you had to always go to him, which made you come accross as weak, and controllable. It's another case of a woman who liked being with a man, who didn't earn the right to be with her.