The need to "process" things...

Hi, just a quick summary: The ex and I were; acquaintances for 4 years, then friends for 1 year, became close over the next 3 months, and dated for a few weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. But it was very complicated and we broke up 3 times over the next 6 months (I guess we may have just been better at being friends). BUT... each time we got back together we stayed together longer... sooooo at this rate, we would've been all set to be fully committed in about a couple years

All kidding aside, our "final" breakup was last August. It was calm, nothing harsh was said... but then it took a weird turn as he started being spiteful to me, which hurt me and I, in turn, became hostile with him. It took 3 months for both of us to become normal around each other and resume a polite friendship. In early November, he began being extra friendly and kind to me. He wished me a Happy Birthday and always greeted me with a smile when he saw me. Before he went home for Christmas, I joked with him about a possible makeout session. I was half kidding (but this is how I always joked when were friends, so I didn't think he'd take me seriously) and he just stated that he doesn't think a Friends with Benefits situation would ever work for us.

I told him I was just kidding, and that I understand, we are not so much compatible in a relationship and that I like being his friend. I went on to date other people after we broke up, I'm still not sure if he has or has not, but I don't feel it's my business to ask. And earlier this month, all my dating prospectives fell flat for one reason or another, and I found myself really missing my ex. When he came back from Christmas vacation he was being extra extra kind to me, and then he invited me to coffee... It was the first time we sat face to face and talked since the breakup, and it was very nice. We kept it light and fun. Then we went to his place to catch a flick (we always did this even before we started dating). But we ended up kissing. The next night he invited me over by saying he had something to put on my iPod, so I went over and I was just so happy, we were having such a great time, and I ended up sleeping with him.

I didn't regret it at all, but I immediately had the feeling of... "i'm not sure if I still have feelings for him". I don't know why. He invited me over the next day to "talk" but I wasn't feeling well, so I declined. Honestly, I was a bit confused about everything. Then we hung out once, where it was strictly platonic, no makeout session or sex. And then the final time we hung out, I got a bit drunk, became a bit emotional talking about my family and the lack of love within it, and I started crying. I didn't tell him that I loved him (thank God), but I did tell him that I wanted to try again... and then we started making out and then I asked him to make love to me and he stopped dead in his tracks and gently moved into a neutral position on the bed... still attentive and facing me though. I logically tried to convince him why it would work, and he said he didn't want to lose me as a friend, and we had just tried so many times and it hadn't worked before. He genuinely seemed confused and had an anxious look on his face. And I told him, I didn't want to pressure him, but we can't be stuck in this, we can't keep doing this, eventually we'll need to move on. It took a couple minutes but he said, "it's not that I feel pressure... I just... haven't had the time to process all of this."

And then I let it go, and we both fell asleep. In the morning, I asked again if he'd like to try again... and he said he still didn't have an answer for me, I asked if there was someone else, and he said no (I believe him, he's not the type that have the ability to juggle two women). On the car ride home, I told him then we need to set boundaries and I need space from him. He hesitatingly agreed to it. I was honestly a little bummed and he could tell. Well, when the hangover wore off and I was completely sober... I wrote him an email and told him that he was right that it had been complicated and we get along well as friends. The next time he saw me, he gave me a long hug (wouldn't let go, was a bit weird, but okay). And since then he has been contacting me and being really super friendly again.

So, I'm just wondering... is there a chance that he's still processing maybe getting back together? Because, for some reason, I still have a tiny bit of feelings for him that won't go away, and the nicer he is to me, the more it arouses these feelings. But am I setting myself for heartbreak? Was the "processing" bit, just a line so that he wouldn't hurt me? Or in his heart, could he really be reconsidering possibly trying to work it out sometime down the road?

Sorry for the long post, but thank you, if you've made it this far. I'd appreciate any responses or insight.

Thanks

You should really stay away from him until you actually have gotten to the stage of emotional indifference to him. You're not being very kind to your own psyche by hanging around someone you want to bed and with whom you'd actually like to be in more then the demoted state of "just friends" with.

Why are you so afraid of letting go of him? You do know that if you do find someone that you form a romantic relationship with the chances are extremely high that he won't take kindly to you hanging out with your opposite sex friend (nor should he since you can't cleanse the feelings for him).

Love yourself enough to tell your friend that you can't handle what you have together and you are not good as romantic partners and bid him good luck in his future as you go zero contact. Some people are just not meant to be in your life for ever, in any capacity or dynamic. I think this may be the case here.

Sorry