How 7+ years just ended

Hello all and thank you for reading my story. I just finished reading Caveat's old thread cover to cover, and was inspired to take my heartache here as well. Misery loves company they say, and who am I to go against this wisdom.

The Sparknotes version:

I met my ex boyfriend almost 8 years ago when I was but a slip of a girl (we have a sizeable age gap between us). We connected on some ethereal level and forged what up until last month I considered a strong and committed relationship. I'm the type of gal (almost 25 today) who believes that the grass is greener where you water it and never intended to leave this relationship without doing everything in my power to make it work.

A few weeks ago he surprised me with a change of feelings. Our sex life has been very meh lately (work and other life circumstances all but killed our intimacy) and he said that I've sexually rejected him to the point he doesn't feel he can go to me for sex. Mind you, there is no other woman. I'll elaborate on this later, but that's his main complaint - the whole love but not in love schtick.

He isn't interested in working on us (I told him that intimacy can come back and with it the sex if we deal with the factors that got in the way). He's far too proud to admit any part in the failure of the relationship, and says I'm welcome to blame him for my peace of mind. He doesn't want to cut contact, says he misses me, and claims I'm always on his mind. I'm not phased; I realize this changes nothing. I'm going to go about this in the way of Caveat - as a positive learning experience as I become reborn from the ashes and rebuild my life on the solid foundation that is rock bottom.

Cheers!

HamHam

7 years is a long time. How long weren't you intimate together for? Maybe he just doesn't believe it will ever happen if it's been years (I'm actually in the same boat with my boyfriend.) I'm on the verge of leaving after 2 years of no sex. It's hard to believe change, if in all that time, it didn't change. Maybe it's time to move on, and find someone new. You're still young so it's totally cool to experiment with other people if your relationship isn't working for so long. I think the right move was made. I think it was time. Who knows, maybe things will work out in the future, but for now just do what feels right.

Thing is ...sex is pretty much a "he" or "she" must really like me ...sort of thing. Without it, eventually questions tend to rise up like..."does this person even find me attractive?" ...and "do they even like/love me?". They mustn't if they won't have sex after so long. It can be really depressing to be with someone without sex. I'm not a sex-a-holic or anything. I wouldn't mind a once every week deal though, at least then I'd feel confident in the relationship. Without it, it just seems depressing. Hopefully this break will clear the air and things can be resolved for you and him as well.

The sex dwindled only in the last year or so; in the last few months it was once-twice a month thing.

The thing is, he's unwilling to believe that external factors were at play. He works 7 days/week on an irregular schedule and then comes home and out come the laptop and phone to continue working. On my end I've also had the toughest two years of my life. Obviously we've let things get away from us, but he's unwilling to explore the reasons to reestablish intimacy. He just said that he won't beg for sex and that's that. Of course, he'd never brought up the problem in any mature way (he's been sending me "signals" of his dissatisfaction). I was in no place to interpret anything. Communication isn't his strong suit, as you can see.

He shattered my heart when he broke up with me over something so fixable, but I won't take it lying down. To be dumped gives me the unique challenge to rise through the pain and become the best version of me that I can be. I used to hope for reconciliation only days ago, but now I know I'm in no place to accept anyone into my life. In a way I'm excited for what's ahead. I love him deeply, yes, but I need to love me too.

ForestDreams,

Why won't you talk about this with your partner? Lack of sex is NOT just a physical reflection of your love. It's the reflection of an emotional state too. In my case I just didn't feel connected enough to my partner to give much sex (he doesn't get his actions contributed to it as well). It doesn't mean that I don't love him deeply, but it does mean the intimacy needed help. Don't just drop everything without giving it your best.

He doesn't want to cut contact, says he misses me, and claims I'm always on his mind.

Skip that. Let him miss you while you move your Self FORward.

You're at prime age for this kind of change. The relationship ran its course, and if it ever turns out that it was a meant-to-be deal, your ex will have no problem voicing a complete change of heart and willingness to make necessary changes to you.

He can meet you on higher ground someday if that's the case, but meanwhile, you need to focus on yourself and do what it takes to reach that higher ground on your own.

Head high.

Catfeeder,

I absolutely agree. We haven't grown apart, our love hasn't changed, but the relationship dynamics just weren't working anymore. Maybe we'll find a way to start anew or maybe we won't. Either way, I need to find my independence and take control of my life. I'm hurting like hell right now, but I've already identified certain changes I'd like to see in myself in the next few months.

I'm working on my discipline by learning how to cook and getting into a cleaning habit. After I come back to the States from my ancestral homeland, I'm pumped to rev up my workout routine. Trail runs and long hike are in my future!

All in all everyone should have their heart shattered into pieces once in their lives. I only now begin to realize the depth of my love for this man, my misgivings, and what I need to change about myself. I have no illusions about "our" future, but I do hope against hope that one day we'll make it. Either way, I'll be in a much better place if or when it happens. I don't see how I can lose.

HamHam

I've tried to focus on the negatives about my ex to help me come to terms with my relationship's end. Thankfully I soon understood that this isn't such a good exercise: I need to focus on addressing my own shortcomings to create the best version of myself that I can. In such a long term affair the end comes down to TWO people, and one of them was me. Facing my demons and turning them to God, so to speak, has been incredibly difficult. Nevertheless, this is where moving on in its truest sense happens: own your side of the story and change it for the better. This has nothing to do with him, no matter how much easier it would be to blame him. Here's to owning my part!

HamHam

I should really be heading to bed, but I wanted to squeeze another post in here. Here's a clarification on our situation (4 weeks post breakup):

My ex says he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore, but he loves me all the same. If only you can imagine how hearing that felt... Nevertheless, his feelings for me aren't sexual, but it doesn't seem he can put his finger on what they are either (repressed sexual feelings, maybe? Because he doesn't see me as a friend/sister either. I'm just his "cutie" and that's that - the safe and fuzzy security blanket version of me, anyway). I'm not sure at all how I feel about this. I'm devastated, hollowed, and in more pain that I've ever experienced in my life, yes, but I don't exactly feel that I've lost him either... It's a strange sort of twilight zone.

It all *truly* comes down to the way his own life is playing out right now: unhappy with job, feels trapped in relationship (because in some backwards way I'm holding him back - total BS, but those are his perceptions and not the truth), and about to hit mid-life. He admitted that all this is playing a huge role he probably is failing to understand. He also complained that we don't spend enough time together doing activities he likes, such as biking/running/etc. Never you mind about activities that *I* like, but that's a different story about bad compromising.

All of this smells funny to me (not to mention insulting - he didn't even bother to try to work things out. Just bam wham, out of the blue breakup), but I can't be mad. People will be people, and with that comes a whole sea of irrational emotions. He's not trying to be thick on purpose and that's somehow redeeming to me.

This thread is about rebuilding myself after my ex left me with a huge crater in my chest cavity. He was (is?) the love of my life and people more eloquent than me can't adequetly describe the pain of loss and confusion that set in. We were going to get married and have babies, for Christ's sake!

Today I laid out a plan to live a life richer and more fulfilling single than with him. The only way to move forward is for your situation alone >>> your situation while in a relationship. And you can even love your ex while doing it all!

My trip to my ancestral homeland really helped to bring some adventure into my life (put Jerusalem on your bucket lists), and I will use this high as a springboard for a more adventurous life lived ahead: trail running, weight lifting, P90X (lean version, I think?), biking, cooking, building discipline, and weekend getaways to fill my life.

Oh, did I mention I'm going to medical school in a few months? Time to pack it on!

P.S

My ex and I are still in contact. I refuse to do NC because it's not necessary at the moment. We're even planning a short trail run together! Should I realize that it is, NC will be here in a flash. I'm just taking it easy on myself right now. I think that I want him back, but the more I look ahead into my life with excitement, the less I'm sure of it. Let's see how this plays out.

HamHam

I wish you all the best, your strength is giving me hope with my relationship. I am in a similar place, it's no longer emotionally fulfilling for me and I need to focus on healing myself. I love my boyfriend/ex and want to take it easy

Nothing "just" ends, though most of us believed in that and didn't reflect on our relationships, until they were over. Great time to see how you've contributed to the demise and work your own issues out. Not sure what the point of staying in contact is, for both of you, at this point, though. It's not going to help either of you heal.

I see a lot of "me and my feelings" in your posts, and understandably so. As times goes on, you will be become more level-headed about current events.

Nothing "just" ends, though most of us believed in that and didn't reflect on our relationships, until they were over. Great time to see how you've contributed to the demise and work your own issues out. Not sure what the point of staying in contact is, for both of you, at this point, though. It's not going to help either of you heal.

I see a lot of "me and my feelings" in your posts, and understandably so. As times goes on, you will be become more level-headed about current events.

Oh, I know that nothing "just" ends. The last two years of my life were very very difficult and I wasn't in much of a position to do any reflecting during the relationship. I realize that this was a huge mistake, but I see this as an opportunity to set things right for the future (get some coping skills that would serve me through life). As I'd mentioned before, I could focus on all that my ex did to bring us down (and believe me, there is a good amount there), but it's a pointless exercise. I am thinking very carefully about my contribution to this breakup, which is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. My mind is still all over the place (4 weeks since we broke up, after all), but it's getting clearer and clearer by the day. I've found an anchor point and I'm trying to hold still as my world is spinning. One of the reasons I'm writing out my emotions is 1. To understand them better and 2. Allow others to follow along in case I help anyone else.

We're keeping in contact because neither one of us is ready to completely give up on the other. We realize that things got away from us and this is a good time to see how we evolve through our issues. Maybe we're just transitioning into a friendship, but that remains to be seen too. Healing comes in many ways, and I'm discovering one of the many paths that lead there.

HamHam

I wish you all the best, your strength is giving me hope with my relationship. I am in a similar place, it's no longer emotionally fulfilling for me and I need to focus on healing myself. I love my boyfriend/ex and want to take it easy

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this place. In what way is it not emotionally fulfilling? Is there any chance things will get better if you talk to him frankly?

Often times our unhappiness in the relationship is a reflection of our own unhappiness in life. To truly heal, in whichever way, please be sure you're not projecting your personal pain onto the both of you. Realize that the only one who can give you peace, clarity, and above all happiness is you - not your boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't mean to point fingers or upset you when you're clearly in pain; this is just a gentle reminder that fulfillment starts with you first and then extends to your S.O. Of course I don't know your situation, but I do believe this is worth considering. I wish you nothing but the best as you make your way through this difficult time!

HamHam

Why did you reject him sexually? We're you taking out your frustrations on him by with holding sex? Any talk as to why you wouldn't have sex with him?

As for him not being attracted to you is once a man gets emasculated by his partner he gets resentful which turns to hatred.

I've been giving it lots of thought lately, and surprisingly he's been more than willing to listen to me. I've come up with some reasons:

1. Applying to med school two years in a row kicked the life out of me. He's been wonderfully supportive in many ways, but I was in so much turmoil (especially because I'd felt that I'd be disappointing him if I couldn't get in the second time around - and he didn't exactly tell me that I wouldn't) that I couldn't cope properly. Sex just wasn't on my list. Selfish of me not to consider these reasons, but I honestly didn't know it was such a huge deal to him. He's never brought it up to me (all he's ever said is that we should have more sex... I had no idea it made him feel as it did. I really just didn't think). I thought he'd understood, but I think it's too much to ask of anyone.

2. He works 7 days a week/ 8-10 hours a day and when he comes home I have to compete with his phone/computer for attention. I tried to be understanding and never said anything about it (well, a few times I did but he told me to stop nagging..). I think that over the years I began feeling that the only time I deserved his undivided attention was for sex. I've begun losing the emotional intimacy and because I couldn't put my finger on it, I didn't put it in these words.

He did say he felt emasculated, but he's definitevely not angry. If he was we wouldn't be on such good terms. The truth is, he's got a lot to do with where we are right now and my hesitation to ever try again. I'm still bringing things into focus and as such I'm flip flopping about my thoughts and feelings. A natural part of the process, I guess?

HamHam

How often are you talking to your ex at this point? I know you have said that you don't feel that you need to go NC at this point, and that's fine, but have you thought about stepping away from him a bit? Sometimes, even if you don't "need" it, space allows for clarity and can help your sort your feelings out more honestly. You are spending a lot of energy thinking about how to fix things, when maybe it's time to just accept that it's not worth fixing.

And, honestly, reading this thread it sounds to me as though maybe your relationship has just run its course - you were very young when you met him and it sounds like perhaps you have grown apart somewhat. To me, your issues sound as though they are deeper than just stress and lack of sex. He feels like you don't participate in his preferred activities enough and you feel the same and that, to me, is kind of a red flag. Doing things with each other shouldn't be chore. The fact that you felt a lack of emotional intimacy and that the only time he attended to you was during sex signal to me that this relationship probably has hit its expiration date. I know it hurts, but if I were you I would let him go and see if you can't eventually find somebody that you are more compatible with.

Sorry, I know this is kind of unsolicited advice, but I've been in your position before and I wish that I had just let go early on rather than spending so much time fixing things.

Loveology, thanks for your input. Any advice would be good at this point because I need to see as many perspectives as possible. This is a fresh breakup and I'm still very wobbly. We talk on the phone and text from time to time, but that's about it. We still have a ton in common so conversation flows easily.

I wanted to fix things initially, but I've come to accept that this relationship is very over. It's for the best too; gives us some time to reexamine who we are independently from each other. The way I see it, if it was meant to be it will be. I have no expectations on that front anymore.

I've mentioned before that we didn't grow apart (I actually asked him if that's what he'd felt and he said no); we're incredibly close and we really do enjoy the same things. Right now my school and his work took over things way too much, and frankly we've started to take each other for granted. No one wants to fix a relationship that wasn't working, but it doesn't mean we can't still be in each other's lives for the time being. I'm very hakuna matata about this (although I have many moments when I hurt, am wrecked with guilt, and want him back like crazy). Like I'd said - this is a twilight zone sort of situation: two people who love and care for each other immensely but have to get themselves in order before so much as revisiting the idea of a relationship. And if we never will, so be it. I find that having any sort of expectations will be the death of my recovery.

It's the guilt that gets me so hard though. I've got to learn to let it go and improve myself (which I am! More about that soon enough).

P.S

The relationship started going to the dogs only fairly recently. We were deeply in love and committed for YEARS. It's not that we're necessarily incompatible - it's hard to tell at this point. Like I said - hakuna matata.

HamHam

I spent the whole day doing some more soul searching and I think I've come to a comfortable conclusion about our intimacy problems. In a nutshell, he dutifully supported my ambitions but he didn't support *ME*. He's even told me over the course of our relationship that he doesn't know what I've given him; this shows a profound lack of appreciation for my person. I'm not the sum of my accomplishments, and I don't think he has ever truly been able to separate my "potential" from my "present" in the here and now. Sadly, he forgot that I'm not just a scientist and a soon to be doctor. I'm a human being with all sorts of pluses and minuses that should be cherished for what they are. For my part I was too immature and self absorbed to put this in coherent thoughts - let alone in words. He is so buried in work and failed dreams that he couldn't have figured it out himself. I'm not trying to absolve myself from responsibility. I have a long and difficult road ahead of me to fully understand and tame my demons, and recognition is just step one.

I hope I'm making sense to you all.

You're doing great. You are the one on this forum (I don't believe there are that many out there) asking for advice and pouring yourself out. What is he doing? Has he been sharing anything with you on that subject?

You're doing great. You are the one on this forum (I don't believe there are that many out there) asking for advice and pouring yourself out. What is he doing? Has he been sharing anything with you on that subject?

Unfortunately he's of the opinion that the demise of the relationship is virtually *all* my fault. He told me that if it makes me feel better I'm welcome to blame him. I in turn told him that I'm not interested in blame - I only want to understand what happened to 7+ years together so seemingly suddenly (of course it wasn't sudden but it went over my head...)

He's been more than willing to listen to my thoughts, but without contributing many of his own. I am dragging this whole breakup on my back alone, much as I've been doing the whole relationship (on the emotionally competent part). I've even signed up with a therapist to try to understand myself better through this difficult transitional time. He's the only adult relationship I've ever had and I need help finding my own identity.

At the moment I'm in the recognition stage of things and am working on acceptance

He's been more than willing to listen to my thoughts, but without contributing many of his own. I am dragging this whole breakup on my back alone, much as I've been doing the whole relationship

You're too invested in getting ex to believe as you wish, and that's a waste of your energy. It's a distraction that will prevent you from focusing on your Self and your own healing.

You've stated that you're done with trying to repair the relationship, so it makes no sense to stay tethered to ideas about manipulating him into viewing the breakup differently. Question the importance of that. Consider whether his private views 'should' have any impact on your future, and why or why not.

If you want to analyze your own contribution to the breakup, consider doing that with a therapist, clergy or a friend. You don't need to stay stuck in the mud with your ex in order to heal--you need to consider how doing that only keeps you stuck in the mud.

Head high.

You're too invested in getting ex to believe as you wish, and that's a waste of your energy. It's a distraction that will prevent you from focusing on your Self and your own healing.

 

You've stated that you're done with trying to repair the relationship, so it makes no sense to stay tethered to ideas about manipulating him into viewing the breakup differently. Question the importance of that. Consider whether his private views 'should' have any impact on your future, and why or why not.

 

If you want to analyze your own contribution to the breakup, consider doing that with a therapist, clergy or a friend. You don't need to stay stuck in the mud with your ex in order to heal--you need to consider how doing that only keeps you stuck in the mud.

 

Head high.

Thanks for your reply, Catfeeder!

I'm getting past the point of needing my ex's validation regarding my role in the breakup. I get what went wrong and I'm slowly starting to understand exactly how. I'm at the point where only MY emotions and well being matter and it's feeling pretty damn good to let go.

I'm grateful to my ex for being so flexible with me on this because as I've mentioned, this breakup fought me off guard; I needed a lot of work to get myself back on my feet. Now I'm ready to start sprinting forward without looking back! In other words, when we talk now it's only about light subjects - breakup related topics are quickly fading away.

Catfeeder,

To clarify the above post: it's not that I've entirely abandoned attempts to convince him of my point of view on the breakup - I'm just having fewer and fewer moments of need to try to do so. I am (and I'm sure as is everyone going through a similar experience) progressing on a trend.

Some days are rough and I become needy and shortsighted about the reasons we broke up. That's when trying to convince him to see the breakup differently seems like a good idea. I know it doesn't matter right now (or likely ever) and that I must focus on healing, but hey - I'm only human and I'm alright with that. Other days (that I'm thankfully having more of) are easier. I remember to focus on me in a constructive way and leave my ex out of MY heal process. On the whole I'm beginning to let go properly, and other than times of weakness I found that: I don't need my ex to validate my feelings and reasons for the breakup (he's done enough of that for closure's sake already); I feel increasingly independent by the day. I'm shedding the identity I had with him, becoming my own person, and liking it; I'm seeing a good therapist who's helping me get my head on straight and face the fears and guilt that are unfortunately still all there.

As always, thank you for replying! I hope I'm not coming off contradictory/insane; it's just that I've got a lot to process in a non-linear fashion.

HamHam

Skip that. Let him miss you while you move your Self FORward.

 

You're at prime age for this kind of change. The relationship ran its course, and if it ever turns out that it was a meant-to-be deal, your ex will have no problem voicing a complete change of heart and willingness to make necessary changes to you.

 

He can meet you on higher ground someday if that's the case, but meanwhile, you need to focus on yourself and do what it takes to reach that higher ground on your own.

 

Head high.

Unbelievably enough, folks, that's exactly what happened yesterday. The dust from the breakup settled and he said he realized that he loves me all the same and that the sexual attraction isn't as gone as he'd thought.

I wasn't having any of it because I'm just not ready to restart a relationship that ended only a month ago without serious changes. I explained that although I love him purely and unconditionally (as he does me), we simply cannot pick up where we left off. This breakup is a rare opportunity to relearn how to love and live with ourselves and I don't intend to squander it. I, for one, have been pushing the envelope of my comfort - I'm quickly building a habit of cooking, cleaning, and intense exercise. I'm responsible for my new living space and my body in a way I've never been before.

I need to find my independence - make mistakes and pay for them without a security blanket. If we were to have another relationship in the future this is the only way to guarantee it'll be on equal terms (don't forget that we got together when I was quite young; this relationship couldn't possibly have been that of two equals and I only see it now thanks to the breakup).

He's in complete agreement, and so we start new chapters in our lives apart. In a way I went from the dumpee to the dumper, which presents a new set of challenges I'm eager to overcome. As always, I don't find cutting contact at all productive at this stage.

Nice. Wish I would get this chance. I haven't heard from her since the day she left except a text saying "Movers are coming to get the rest of my stuff on Wednesday". Been NC 25 days now. Probably won't ever hear from her again.

Nice. Wish I would get this chance. I haven't heard from her since the day she left except a text saying "Movers are coming to get the rest of my stuff on Wednesday". Been NC 25 days now. Probably won't ever hear from her again.

If getting back together is what you want I wouldn't do NC forever. Keep tabs on each other, but do live for yourself right now. She needs to see evidence of evolution and there's no way for that to happen if you sever all touch.

That said, take whatever time you need to recalibrate and feel like a human being again. I wish you all the very best as you navigate through this difficult time.

HamHam