Rebound for dumpee

I was left by my ex of 2.5yrs for someone else. I've spent the last 3weeks going through the usual grief cycle of emotions but know that I have to move on. I just wondered if anyone has any experience with rebounds as a dumpee- did it help, I miss male company and intimacy. I'm not looking for a relationship I have thought it might be nice to feel desireable again and might even be empowering. Any thoughts?

Don't be a USER to feel better about yourself!!!!! This is a really selfish act, for the sake of enhancing one's ego.

Take time to understand why the relationship didn't work and get to know yourself. Empower yourself, you don't need others to do it for you!

I'm not advocating using someone- I would never want to hurt anyone, I am not that type of person I'm more thinking of someone mutually agreeable without any deception or agenda.

I think you're getting into a dangerous area. I read your history, and you were hurt quite badly. I think you could be susceptible to being attached to someone, and quite possibly someone who is not so good.

Why do you need others to uplift you? You need to do this on your own. I would take a long break from dating, spend time with friends and family, and heal. Don't be so dependent on others for your happiness.

Deal with you, first! You will be in a better place for someone who will appreciate you.

Meaningless sex won't make you feel better. Three weeks is not that long after a 2.5 year relationship. Take.time to figure out what went wrong from your perspective and what you contributed to the demise of the relationship and focus on addressing it.

I,m not trying to rely on others for happiness just, I suppose I have an incredible void to bein to fill and maybe having someone there, where I am in control, might help me shake off that feeling that I'm empty and then I can continue to work on figuring out what I want from life. I have thought a lot about what happened and what went wrong (sometimes I just want to stop thinking) I know my faults and I can see his. But I'm lonely I guess, it isn't about revenge or jealousy as i wouldn't want my ex to know its about me taking control.

You're missing our point.

If you are trying to fill a void, it shows that you need others to make you happy. Make your own happiness! My goodness, you haven't been single very long.

Having a random relationship is not about taking control, it's quite the opposite. You're avoiding you and your situation, by trying to cover it up with a rebound.

Use this "loneliness" to find happiness. you don't need need somebody else to feel the void.

I haven't done it and I don't have anyone in mind either I just wondered what experiences other might have had

Anyone who has done it finds loneliness.... Because the void is inside of you and cannot be filled by being in a relationship with someone else. Time to do some studying on codependency.

It will make you feel worse, because you'll notice all the differences between your ex and the new person. You'll miss your ex's qualities more. And if you sleep with the new person, you'll be struck by the vast difference between sex with someone you love and sex with someone you just met.

It's a bad move, you'll hurt even more, and you'll hurt another person for selfish motives.

Be brave enough to be on your own and process the pain so you don't hurt someone else.

I've been in rebounds and i've been in normal relationships. Well i say normal but what's normal but you get what I mean.

The relationship that I rebounded into lasted for 3 years but it was such an up and down roller coaster of a ride I learnt I was never going to do that again and I would only get into relationships when I've fully processed the old one and left the baggage at the door.

Rebounds can work yes but in the majority of cases the relationship isn't built on a solid foundation so it crumbles where you are both on different levels and at different stages. Never look externally to solve internal issues.

Only you can come to a point of acceptance, forgiveness, and nonchalance over the whole affair.

A great long lasting relationship happened when two complete people come together to share their happiness with one and other. Neither relies on the other person to make them happy as they are already 100% happy within themselves. That foundation along with work and wanting the same things sets you up for a future.

Anyone who has done it finds loneliness.... Because the void is inside of you and cannot be filled by being in a relationship with someone else. Time to do some studying on codependency.

THIS is spot on. Please take the advice the others are giving you and stay away from casual relationships. They will not solve anything, and they will make you feel worse. You are not looking for companionship, you are looking for love. I might give a different response if I thought you could handle it, but I think it is a very bad idea in this case.

I say this because I used to do what you are talking about before I learned to make myself happy. I never want to be in that place again. It is a vicious cycle, the desperate need for love and approval, take whatever you can get and end up allowing someone to treat you in a less than desirable way. Then you're down and broken again, and it starts over with the next person you find.

Now, I view companionship as an added bonus to my life, but I am perfectly fine by myself. You are going to attract the wrong kind of man right now because you don't love yourself enough to be content on your own. Wait until you have recovered from this and attract the right kind of man. The laws of attraction: we attract what we are. Keep that in mind.

Find a new hobby, spend time with family or friends, make new friends, read a book...whatever you are into, throw yourself into self-improvement. Never stop learning and growing.

Let me put it to you this way. Recently I watched one of my favorite movies, "Varsity Blues". It's about a football team and how their coach wants them to win at all costs. In the movie, the starring quarterback takes some cortisone shots to deaden the pain after he is injured so he can get back out on the field. He sustains several injuries and gets the shot each time so he can continue playing. Finally, one night, he gets sacked and it does some serious damage to his knee. His career is over.

At the hospital, the doctor says he shouldn't have been playing. The cortisone shots only numbed the pain, it wasn't a solution and it eventually made things worse and cost him his football career by playing on a knee that was hurt (even though the pain was deadened). If he had let himself receive the right treatment and healed the right way he wouldn't have sustained that career-ending injury.

So what does this have to do with your situation?

Well look at that football player as yourself. His knee represents your heart (and feelings), and that cortisone shot represents a rebound relationship. If you have a rebound relationship to stop your heart from aching, it's like taking a cortisone shot and getting back on the field before you are ready. All you are doing is "numbing" the pain, you're not getting rid if it. You're not making the situation any better and you're not going to heal. Your best route is to heal before you get back out there because you could be setting yourself (or the rebound) up to get hurt. It won't have a good ending.

Another thing to keep in mind is eventually you will have another boyfriend or girlfriend at some point. Why not start being faithful to that person now? Make a promise to yourself that you won't go all the way with anyone until you are on a committed relationship. That will help you stay focused.

Hope that helps! Good luck.

I don't know really. I've had post break-up flings. Whilst they might be a temporary fix and make you feel wanted/attractive for a while, once it sinks in that it is only about sex and he doesn't care what's going on in your head/heart, I think you'll end up feeling emptier/more unwanted than ever. I've hopped from being dumped horrendously straight into a relationship which turned out to be amazing, however. The transition time on that one was very, very short. I don't like the term "rebound" to be honest - not sure what good it does to put labels on things. To answer your question, if you think you can go into a meaningless casual relationship and it'll make you feel better to get the physical side of things, it works for men, a lot I'd say, but women are wired differently and I think most would wind up regretting it afterwards. You are talking about having sex I take it? If you're not - if you're talking about going out on dates I think that's a whole different matter and it might just help - take your mind off the past and back to the present.

A grief period is never a time of sound judgement--for anyone. That's not a statement about intelligence or ethics, it's simply an insight about what happens when we allow the most extreme of emotions to drive our behavior. It lands us in a string of bad choices that compound the original problem.

Think about it: messing around with guys to gain attention will land you in one of two places. Empty sex for the sake of sex, in which case you'll come out of that feeling MORE empty because the thrill of flattery is fleeting and, well, empty. Or, you'll land yourself emotionally invested in someone with poor enough judgement to mess with someone fresh out of a breakup.

So even if you land yourself what feels like a keeper while you're trying to cover up the hurt and grief from your breakup, you won't gain the clarity to question how much of a keeper he actually is until his poor judgement starts coming out sideways. It will either turn you off, and now you have a mess to get yourself out of, or it will drive you nuts while you're unable to figure out why you can't seem to land a 'good' relationship with someone who does NOT hurt your feelings or screw up his finances or otherwise demonstrate 'heathy' behavior.

So wait until YOU are healthy enough to operate from a healthy platform. Skip the cycle of involving yourself with men who are a mess, and you will thank yourself later.

I was left by my ex of 2.5yrs for someone else. I've spent the last 3weeks going through the usual grief cycle of emotions but know that I have to move on. I just wondered if anyone has any experience with rebounds as a dumpee- did it help, I miss male company and intimacy. I'm not looking for a relationship I have thought it might be nice to feel desireable again and might even be empowering. Any thoughts?

This is something that is very personal and will vary among individuals. Give it a try and see how you feel. If you do proceed, just be upfront with your intentions. I think a lot of men will understand and be more than willing to provide some rebound attention and sex.

I dunno, I'm finding comfort and companionship in my current relationship and I know I'm not fully over my ex (breakup just over 3 mos ago.

I started dating shortly after the breakup since I saw there was no short-term way back since my ex started her own rebound relationship.

I wasnt ready and actually cried at home after my first post-breakup date.

And I was unsure about my current relationship. But I discovered she was a generally caring and patient person.

I've been up front with everything about working toward getting over my ex. About wanting to contact her but being frozen out. Shes been very understanding and seems to have her feet on solid ground.

I'm starting to let myself go and really love her, not the same feeling as it was with my ex, and we spend less time together. But the alone time allows me to work on myself more.

We'll see where it all ends up....

 

We'll see where it all ends up....

hopefully it doesn't end up with either of you coming back in the breakup section with subsequent threads in the healing section. like everyone said before, you can't fill the void with a new person.