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Is she staying or leaving?


DFINNH

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Here is my story...

 

 

I am going to be completely honest and try to keep this as short as possible. I appreciate any feedback.

 

 

My Girlfriend of ten years and recent fiancee says she is leaving. all because I had what I consider a simple argument with her coworker at a bar 2 weeks ago.

 

Here is our story. we have been together for ten years. When we first met we were both coming off fairly long and failed relationships. 2 Years in into our relationship she became pregnant. She was scared to death. I sat her down and promised her I would ALWAYS be there for her, we would make this work and " we got this ".

 

things were great for the first 3 years of our relationship , I consider it the honeymoon stage or " puppy love " the last 7 years has been pretty damn good as far as I am concerned , but not for her... of course we have had arguments, hicchups and one major issue...but here we are ten years later , now with two kids and I love her just as much as I did when I told her I would never leave, 8 years ago.

 

The last 6-7 years every time we have any form of an argument it turns into " she is leaving me " after 2 weeks or so when she calms down she always stays. this has probably happened 4-5 times. There has never been any physical violence , sure we have both called each other an occasional bad name , but I would not consider it abusive. We are both good , down to earth people and are very good parents to our 2 Children ( ages 8-6 )

 

A few years back she cheated on me... I found a whole string of e-mails. It was a one night deal with a married man. Needless to say, I was LIVID, but mostly heartbroken. She insisted she was leaving me , but that was just her trying to convince herself it was ok for her to sleep with another man... once the guilt cought up with her , she had an emotional breakdown and I swallowed some pride.....I forgave her...truly FORGAVE her. we moved on with life. The problem is whenever we have an argument and she says something nasty to me that hurts...I will throw that in her face. It is wrong , but when hurt , my immediate reaction is to try and hurt back. I can honestly say I forgive her , I never think about it... I am past it but she says I can't forgive her. I can't blame her for feeling this way as I have brought it up in an argument before. this is not a topic that comes up often , but she did mention it the other day during a difficult talk that she does not think I can forgive her.

 

Every time she says she is leaving then eventually ends up staying , things are absolutely awesome for quite some time ... and then we get content and fall back into bad habits. not paying as much attention to each other, not working as hard on the relationship, me not helping as much around the house , etc... all it takes is one little argument and she explodes!...and says she is leaving.

 

 

about a year ago after being together 9 years I sat her down at the dinner table and proposed to her with tears in my eyes , she tearfully accepted and it was an awesome moment!!! things were awesome! the last couple months things have been ok... just not a fairy tale.

 

We went out together to a bar 2 weeks, a coworker of hers picked a verbal fight with me , I had too much to drink, was livid , smashed my glass on the floor ( like a jerk ) and walked out. The next morning it all started over. She is leaving. She has probably threating to leave 5-6 times the last ten years but always stays.

 

 

The last 2 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster , I have begged her with tears in my eyes to reconsider and stay , I have given her space...I have tried everything. a week ago, we actually had intercourse , no big deal , right? we have been together ten years.... but the following night she heard that I went looking for her the night of the argument and it pissed her off and she was back at being angry at me.

 

Just trying to paint a picture and give you guys a back story.

 

 

So here we are now , she is still living with me , still sleeping in the same bed as me, still having dinner with myself and the kids at the dinner table , still making small talk with me and still coming home every night , still talking to me about the relationship every time I request but she always has the same response the last couple weeks.... she is leaving me. Not knowing if she means it this time is simply killing me. Is she staying or going?

 

 

Needless to say I love this person very much and desperately want her to be happy. Thanks for listening!

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Another thing I struggle with...

 

Do I give her space by not talking to her unless it is necesarry? do I keep reminding her how much I love her? Will asking her to reconsider only push her further away? Do I go to a friends house as much as possible? I leave her a " cute " little light hearted note every morning. is that a bad idea?

 

I have come up with solutions for us to move forward happily , one of them being sitting down , talking about anything in the past that bugs us , then truly burrying it...and moving forward.

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Neither --- the "silent" treatment nor cloying attention.

 

Tell her that you want to set up a meeting with a counselor. Because your solutions --- will be like all the other times. Good behavior for a while --- and back to taking each other for granted.

 

Get a 3rd neutral party in here. Her "I am leaving" default is not healthy for you, her or your children. In fact, it is a horrible example.

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We went out together to a bar 2 weeks, a coworker of hers picked a verbal fight with me , I had too much to drink, was livid , smashed my glass on the floor ( like a jerk ) and walked out.

 

For me, this would probably be the end of the road also. Excessive drinking, physical violence, and all in front of a coworker, which is embarrassing.

 

While it was wrong of her to have an affair all those years ago, if you had made the decision to forgive her, then it should never, ever be brought up in a fight. So that's irrelevant at this point. You had the opportunity to leave when she cheated, and you stayed.

 

If I were in her position, I would expect you to stop drinking entirely, get some help with anger management, and for both of us to go to marriage counseling.

 

Please resolve this for the sake of your kids. They aren't buying that nothing's wrong, I guarantee it.

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So last night she went out to Karaoke with friends. I am not worried about her being up to no good or anything like that , for what it's worth I had friends there as well.

 

This morning during our crazy routine of getting the kids ready for school and us getting ready for work she was rather pleasant , made small talk with me , etc... I asked her after the kids go to bed tonight if we could watch a movie together , she agreed. Needless to say that makes me happy. However, I guarantee if I asked her what her intentions are she would still say she is leaving. So , I will just keep it light , enjoy the night and hope the two of us can enjoy one another's company.

 

Still so confused though as to if we ( I ) have any chance at all...

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Have you presented your ideas to change yourself and the relationship, and asked her what she wants to do?

 

Yes, I have. She knows exactly where I stand.

 

 

So, we had a fantastic weekend. Friday night we ended up watching a movie together after we took the kids to see a play, Saturday we went out of town with the kids , Slept together that night and on Sunday took the kids to see Santa and spent Sunday night together wrapping presents. It was a long , busy full weekend we spent together.

 

 

We didn't discuss anything this weekend , I just rolled with it... and Enjoyed it. I do not want to push too hard because I am still afraid of the answer if I sit her down and ask her what her intentions are. I do feel we are certainly gaining , but not knowing is very difficult to deal with.

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Glad u had a nice weekend but it's really not fair to you or your kids having this "leaving" scenario hanging over your heads. My ex said the exact same thing, she was leaving me and our daughter but wanted to stay until she figured out to where. For 3 weeks I walked on eggshells, tried to make her see it could work out. But every weekend she split and came back Sunday night like everything's A-OK. That third weekend of that I told her to get out and go live with her mother. It was just too confusing and too much false hope and I was just done. Turns out she was cheating even though she said there was no one else...so good riddance.

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Glad u had a nice weekend but it's really not fair to you or your kids having this "leaving" scenario hanging over your heads. My ex said the exact same thing, she was leaving me and our daughter but wanted to stay until she figured out to where. For 3 weeks I walked on eggshells, tried to make her see it could work out. But every weekend she split and came back Sunday night like everything's A-OK. That third weekend of that I told her to get out and go live with her mother. It was just too confusing and too much false hope and I was just done. Turns out she was cheating even though she said there was no one else...so good riddance.

 

 

I do not believe she is cheating.

 

I agree that the " leaving scenario " is not " fair " but I am slowly starting to think maybe this is how she is dealing with it and perhaps trying to make it work in her mind and heart. If she truly wanted to go I think she would truly be gone by now. Another hard talk is probably inevitable but I am just going to try to enjoy her company , try to be the best man I can and try and enjoy Christmas. I am sure if I don't know her true intentions by new years it will be time for a serious sit down chat , however, I am sure that chat will happen sooner rather than later. Hopefully it will be a good / productive one. Man, I love this woman.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A quick update:

 

Christmas was great , We finished up everything Christmas eve and had great sex. Woke up at the ass crack of Dawn and opened presents with the kids. the week leading up to New Years was nice , no arguing... one or two talks , but she still don't know where she is at in her head.

 

New Years eve we were fortunate to have a baby sitter and went out together , I made a conscious effort to drink very little. I had a few weak moments where I wanted to beg her for things to be ok , but resisted for the most part. We went home again on new years Eve and had great sex.

 

The last few days I am seeing small positive changes. She had to go to work yesterday and made an effort to hug me before she left. That is a first since we started going through this. She will also now blush when I tell her she is beautiful , tell her I love her, etc...

 

We are communicating pretty well , making small talk, having general conversations coming home to one another every night , seem to be enjoying each other's company , etc... But I am sure she still does not know where she is at in her head.

 

I feel we are making progress, but I am still as confused ( and hurt ) as ever.

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I think both of you need counseling. That's not ground breaking and it's been mentioned before. But if I were you, next time she says she's leaving, offer to help her pack. Tell her this is not healthy for either of you and you have decided that she may be onto somethng.

 

I also wonder what would happen if instead you left and said it was too much of you to bear.

 

With kids involved, I'm not suggesting the latter at all.

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I think both of you need counseling. That's not ground breaking and it's been mentioned before. But if I were you, next time she says she's leaving, offer to help her pack. Tell her this is not healthy for either of you and you have decided that she may be onto somethng.

 

I also wonder what would happen if instead you left and said it was too much of you to bear.

 

With kids involved, I'm not suggesting the latter at all.

 

 

I also Wonder if I left , if that would " work ".

 

But I feel it would be playing mind games as it is not what I want , Just not my style.

 

As far as counseling goes , I have suggested we sit down , talk about any lingering issues we may be having a problem with , discuss them , get over them and truly bury it and never look back , then to keep things fresh and keep us focused go to counseling once every 2 weeks, or once a month. She has just listened when I proposed this and didn't give me a response. I have brought it up at least twice now.

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So last night was another good evening. Got home from work , did some house chores. watched some tv with her after the kids went to bed and then we got intimate , again.

 

This morning I reminded her a few times how much I love her and " we can do this " with a smile on my face. Still not getting much out of her but she does look at me in my eyes and will smile / blush when I say these types of things.

 

I feel we are very close to getting over this , but we are also so far away. Since this issue started 5 weeks ago or so she still will not kiss me on the lips. Last night in the heat of passion I asked her to kiss me and she politely whispered she is not ready yet. It hurts , but I'm sure it's some sort of defense on her part.

 

I understand there is no magic button to immediately make things okay , but damn... this roller coaster of emotions is killing me. I am giving EVERYTHING I have , and while I feel like I am close to keeping her / things being okay , I also am scared to death she will leave for good.

 

Sorry for the constant typing. I consider this my place to vent , I find it mildly therapeutic. I also hope to look back on this thread someday and make sure I never make the same mistakes again.

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Good news,

 

I got out of work a bit early today. She was home , the kids were in School. She told me she was trying. While I would like to push a magic button and have this fixed immediately , hearing from her that she is " trying " means a lot to me.

 

We chatted for awhile , was mostly me talking. I asked her if she would go to Counseling with me , and she said she would. That is great news in my opinion , all things considered.

 

Now , need to figure out where to go , how to choose a counselor , etc. Naturally, this is new to me.

 

Wish us luck!

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last night and this morning was great. Great sex again last night.

 

We both didn't need to be to work right away this morning so after I dropped the kids off at school we laid back down in bed, snuggled and fell back asleep.

 

I am seeing positive changes in her tone of voice, eyes , and body language. Man, I hope this works out.

 

still a long way to go.

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