Heard from ex after 6 months

Hi all, I heard from my ex today after 6 months. Long story short my ex left me after 11.5 years. I have not seen him in all that time and I have only heard from him twice and the last time was an email that was over 4 months ago. We were just about to buy a house. We spent 18 months saving the deposit, looking at houses and then he decided he did not want marriage and kids. He told me frequently that he did, so it was all very strange and sudden.

The last time I heard from him over 4 months ago he said he was sorry, he really hoped I was still his friend. He sent me a photo of us from one of our holidays and said how he had been looking through our photos and he realised what a lonely man he is and that his friend saw me at a football game and he instantly remembered all our happy times together. I did not reply. Fast forward to today and he text me to tell me he is getting notifications from the post office for a package in my name which is very weird as I ordered it in my name to my address but anyway he just got straight to the facts, did not ask me how I am or anything. I was so shocked that he would be so cold and not even ask how I am after all this time. I wish he just sent me through the email or something or sent it by post. I replied and told him I would look in to it and he said let me know if you need me to go collect the item and he can drop it on my doorstep.

I figured I would be the grown up and say "How are you by the way? It seems crazy not to ask and he replied. "I'm good thanks, finally on holidays now. Big year and need a break. How are you travelling?" I mean , how am I travelling, it seems so cold and like he is talking to a stranger. His final text just said "Have a great Christmas" with a Christmas tree emoticon. And I wrote back "You too. Feels so very strange you writing to me like I am a total stranger. Enjoy your break". I probably should not have sent that last text but it is just so weird that he is so cold. What changed in those 4 months that he now seems to hate me and does not even want to know how I am. I loved him so much and we spent so long together and he has just left it all behind.

I admit I have been expecting him to change his mind. Been thinking that he is confused and sad and crying at night over this sometimes. It made me feel better to think it is hard on him too. The cold reality is he does not care, he has moved on and does not care how I am doing. He would not have even asked how I am if I did not ask him. I don't get how you go from spending everyday with someone for 11 years, giving them your whole heart to nothing and he no longer cares about me at all. I am so broken over this and he does not care. He probably never did care. I thought we were happy. I have all these happy memories and I just can not seem to let it go. I still feel like it was 10 minutes ago that he was here with me. It is impossible to forget a life time of memories and accept it really is truly over and that is all it will ever be a memory.

I know people distance themselves without you knowing but why is he so cold towards me? And how do I truly accept that he just does not love me and he will never regret this? Why did he have to string me along and play the part of the happy boyfriend for so long. Was it all a lie? It scares me that someone is capable of this behaviour. I just still feel the same way about him, I still remember all the good times and I just do not know how to really let this go. Will he ever know or care just how much pain he has put me through. I need to find closure as he is never going to come back and apologise and give me the closure I need. Why do some people stay friends with their exes and I did not even do anything wrong but my ex treats me like a total stranger. People are so shocked when they hear we never speak to each other. I thought he was my best friend. I truly hope karma exists.

Thanks for listening

It really pains me to read your posts babydoll. Im sorry you are going through all of these. I know how you feel, im kinda in the same boat. Sadly, yes they have moved on and we have no control over their feelings. We feel anger on them for inflicting us this excruciating pain but they just lost their feelings and choose not to stay and we cant blame them for hurting us by chasing their own happiness. Life is so tough without them, but it goes on. Hope you find your happiness back. It happened for a reason.

First of all sorry for the pain your experiencing.

While it's a natural reaction to think he didn't care it's just not true like you say all those happy times together he cared. Unfortunately people and situations change and there became a point where he wanted out and to break away from you.

You will never truly know his reasons for doing this and it's usually something us humans can't explain. We feel something inside isn't right and it grows and grows nagging away at you, until you have to end the relationship.

The closure your looking for is going to have to come from forgiving yourself and by being grateful that you got to spend many years with this man. Nows the time to start to rebuild your life without him though and to pick yourself up. You were heavily invested in this so it's going to take a while to heal but you will heal.

People try and stay friends after a breakup because they generally still care about you but not in the way you want them to. It's kind of selfish on their part as they are using you to get over you. For your own wellbeing and healing you need to avoid this situation and delete his number and ignore contact from him. It's not rude it's quite the opposite it's taking control of your life and forces them to realise your gone.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve and in time you will be happy again. There's no rush but take small steps doing stuff that makes you happy. It could be going to the gym, hanging out with friends, setting new goals just try force yourself to get out there. You may have to fake it for a while but your brain will adjust.

Good luck.

Oh, I'm so sorry this happened. But take this as perhaps a way to break free and finally move forward. And six months after 11 years together is still very new in terms of healing from a breakup. As to why he's so cold, he feels guilty and doesn't like feeling guilty. It's why he remains cold. It isn't you he's angry with, it's himself, but he projects that on to you more than likely since he can't face himself.

I would send him a text after you get the package telling him to just forward any other mail that comes for you there and he doesn't need to contact you otherwise. Then block and delete him. You do not need contact like that setting you back and as you've seen it doesn't change him anyways.

Stop beating yourself up about the breakup too. Look, the fact is he did love you or he wouldn't have spent that time with you. But 11 years without marriage tells me perhaps the guy had commitment issues all along. And somewhere along the way he began to change his mind, but didn't speak up and do the hard work of trying to salvage or fix things. He just let it build until he exploded so to speak and ran. And that my dear is all on him, not you.

None of us can do anything differently if another doesn't communicate with us about their wants and needs, what they're feeling. You aren't a mind reader, you never were, he didn't tell you what was going on and didn't give you any opportunity to help and to that end what else could you do? And you still can't now, because for whatever reason he doesn't seem able to articulate his feelings. And he may well go to his death being like that. And unfortunately that's his choice and his consequence and burden to deal with.

Focus on your family and friends, try to find something to do that keeps you busy, keep moving forward with your healing. You gave it 11 years, it didn't work out through no fault of your own, let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. You will heal and recover and move on to better and brighter things. Give yourself permission to heal, get help if you need it to process everything, move forward with your life. You will be happy and you will get past this, I promise. It hurts now, but that hurt does lessen with time.

Im so, so sorry. I know how you feel, most of us do. Like the others said, ask him just to forward things on from now and avoid contact.

It isn't your fault. It doesn't mean much now but maybe in time it will. It is his fault for not communicating with you properly when he should have. At least now you have the experience of knowing what you don't want.

Our thoughts and wishes are with you.

hey babydoll, do sorry that you are going through this....it was a long relationship which is going to equal a difficult break up. I know it's a very tough time. My ex left me after 5.5 years...and we lived together so I feel your pain. It was one day he wanted a future with him (or so I thought) to never wanting to speak to me again.

One thing that I was grateful for was that we never spoke again. I think what makes it difficult for you and your healing process is that he did reach out and talk to you after the relationship was over which in a way, reopens all of those wounds.

The next time he attempts to reach out to you, don't respond, don't answer...protect yourself and keep your healing process sacred. That time is for you.

I'm so sorry honey. I don't really see coldness from him. I see lack of the "warmth" you are used to. It's the kind of text I would send to a former friend or former roommate.

I don't see any dislike of you at all. I just think it's possible/probable that he's moved on.

Perhaps this will help you start the process of moving on or at least not thinking he is going to come back?

This makes me sad. It is hard to think that after so long someone can just leave, and be content with never talking again. I'm going through something similar and I'll have sometimes an entire week that I don't think about my ex and then I have a dream about her and then everything comes back and I can't stop thinking about her and miss her. It sucks but all you can do is move on from here and focus on you

Hi all, thank you so much for your responses. You have no idea how nice it is to have people who understand and offer such wonderful advice. Weirdly I think him contacting me is a good thing. I finally feel like I have permission to move forward. Like now I know he is not regretting his decision, or crying over it that it is finally time for me to try and put this behind me. I am finally starting to see him for the person he really is/was and not just looking at the best things in him as I always did. I know that I deserve better than someone who is as weak as he is and did not even communicate how he is feeling. You are so right that I have to try and forgive myself because I could not work on a relationship when I did not know what was wrong. When someone is saving money in a joint account with you to buy a house, sending you links to go look at open inspections and telling you that they want a house before they get married and they do want to get married, what else are you supposed to believe other than they are telling the truth.

I actually feel sorry for him that he is so weak, that he can not even have a conversation with me now. That he supposedly wanted us to be friends when it ended and because I did not contact him when he reached out and let it go six months without contact now he just runs from talking to me. I contacted him again to let him know that somehow his phone number was logged in my account so he was getting sms reminders and now it is fixed. I sent it from my new work email and he made a comment saying he sees I have a new job and he hopes I have that great job I was searching for. I replied that I am happy in it, learning lots and liking the people etc and left it at that. I knew he would not reply to that but I am happy now and feel more zen that he now knows I have a new better job, I have bought an apartment etc. My life has moved forward, he has not broken me, I am strong enough to engage him in a conversation and be civil and not run from it like he is. I did not ask him anymore questions about him. I think it is sad just how much of a liar he was and at the end of the day maybe he will never know how much he hurt me, or feel bad for leading me on but he still has to look himself in the mirror everyday and I truly believe he must know deep down what he did was pretty mean and disrespectful.

I am not conceited person, quite the opposite I need to work on my self esteem but I know I was there for him 100%, I was kind, generous, loving. I would have done anything for him and went out of my way all the time. I was patient and he is not the easiest person to live with. In fact the more time that goes on I realise how selfish he actually was and that everything ran to his schedule. I need to remember that the next girl is going to get the same guy and I doubt she will be as patient and understanding as me, I am fun, kind caring and I know he would have to miss me sometimes. It is going to take me a long time to rebuild, but I know now I need to start the journey.

I have to think of this as a good thing and what my life needed. I deserve someone who loves me enough to never leave me, be open and honest with me and appreciates all the good things in me. I am done now with the communication. If he does happen to contact me again I will not be responding unless absolutely necessary.

ParisPaulette you response really resonated with me thank you. It is so nice to have someone tell you it is not your fault and I know that is true. I think he is angry and guilty and just not able to face up to talking to me. Well that is fine with me. Do I miss him? Yes. But I need to start to look at him as the person he is now and not the idealised person I have in my mind. I tend to look for the best in people and ignore the bad sometimes. That is a lesson I need to learn.

One thing I do find hard and I don't know how I am going to get past is the fact that I did not see this coming. I am scared that this will happen again. That I will be lying in bed next to someone and planning my future with them and they secretly will not really love me that much and will be lying to me. How do I know? I definitely will not wait as long next time for someone to make a commitment to me so I guess that will be one positive sign but how do I ever give my heart out again? I hear stories all the time of people cheating or saying they knew on their wedding day the person was wrong for them etc.

And what do I do with all the love I have for him and all the wonderful memories? How do I let that go, let the dream go and really accept this as my reality and that we will never be together again. That person I love so much is gone and I can never talk to him again. This new guy who I don't even recognise or understand is in his place. I know it will just take time and seeing a therapist next month will help. I always thought I would get the have another conversation to really understand why this happened but it looks like I just need to find my own peace. My new life starts today.

Thanks so much to you all again xx

Babydoll I am happy for you reading all this progress. I wish you all the best!

You're doing great, OP! Look how much you've already accomplished without him! Would you really want to be with him right now (knowing what you know now), honestly?

Thanks invisbleheart and sky. I forget how much I have accomplished with him gone. And would I want him back? I want back the person I thought he was, not the person he now is. So I guess the answer is no, even though that still hurts my heart. Can you believe what the spineless bastard did today. His mum had something in my shed that she was storing there that she never collected as they were building a new house. Now the house is ready she called me to collect it. My ex did not even call me himself he had his mum call me. Can you believe that you live with someone for a decade, share everything and it comes down to him getting his mum to call me. I mean what an utter bastard. I can not even fathom how he hates me so much now, how he is so cold. It is so very, very strange and weird that all that love has turned in to this. That I never saw that he would have this side in him. It truly makes so sense to me but I just have to let it go.

I had to have a slightly awkward conversation with his mum for 20 minutes and then she said she would let me know when she would be over to get it. I told her she can collect it out of the shed when I am not here so I am very sure that is what they will end up doing. She said we will have to catch up soon blah. blah but at the same time said goodluck with the house building next year which is 12 months away so we will never catch up. My exes selfishness is genetic. She could have come over and got it in the early days of the breakup to make it less awkward in my opinion but no it suits her for it not to be lying around her house so she will wait 6 months and contact me. Arrggghh it really hurts that such a big part of my life has ended up meaning nothing to him and I am just another girl in the story of his life

Could it be he is struggling with the breakup that's why he has his mom call you and why he doesn't want to see you? I'm not sure because he wanted out of the relationship but it sounds like he is in no contact mode. My wife left me 10 months ago after 24 years and I do much better if I don't talk to her or see or text or email her. Any contact I have with her sets me back. Not sure, just a thought. Sounds like you are doing well, congrats on moving forward.

Like already mentioned, the guy probably doesnt hate you, but is indifferent towards you which is perceived as cold. In fact, being indifferent is so much worse than hate. Anyways.. Have a nice holidays and keep up your progress

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I know how it is doll. Exes father picked up her remains (lol) in late September (we were 4 or so months into the bu) without her even mentioning anything. Hang in there. There is no old him anymore, just current/present him.

Babydoll, for only 6 months in - it is remarkable you are at the place where you are giving yourself permission to move on.

Happy holidays!

Thank you all so much. It's wonderful to come on here and have people tell you how well you are doing. Some days I feel like I am doing such a terrible job as I think of him so much. It's nice to hear others say I am doing well.

Lucha what you said really hurt, but it is probably true. Indifference is worse than hate. I truly do not know how we got to this place.

It might sound a bit ridiculous but my friend bought me a hope candle as part of a beautiful pressie she got me after the breakup. Last night I was finally ready to light it. I said goodbye to my ex, that I release the pain and the guilt, I forgive him for doing the best he could. I asked God to help heal me, to make me a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister and eventually girlfriend and hopefully wife. I said I allow myself to move forward, I did all I could and said goodbye again. I had tears streaming down my face and I don't believe most of what I said but I will get to a place where I do one day.

It still desperately hurts and I desperately wish I could understand why and how he feels the way he does about me now. Then this morning while getting ready i played Stacey Oricco's I'm not missing you to try and really hammer it in to my brain! Haha

Big love to you all, you are wonderful people