Dating a guy with a child.... Not sure whether there's room left for me.

OK, please go easy on me. I know I sound like a brat. We met on a dating site six weeks ago, we are sleeping together, and we are exclusive (we've both suspended our accounts), but I do understand that exclusivity does not a relationship make.

To give you some background, I'm 36. I've never been married though would like to be, one day. I have no children but hear the tick-tocking pretty loud. He's 32, divorced, with a 4 year old son. He sees him every weekend. I've never dated a father before. I haven't met his son, unsurprisingly, but I am open to it, at some point in the future. I understand (as much as someone who doesn't have children can) that his son is the centre of his universe. I'm just not sure whether there'll be any room left for, or whether he really wants, a meaningful relationship with me.

I get that he is ultra cautious. By what he's said the bottom fell out of his world when he and his ex split up and he had to live apart from his child. I know his worst nightmare would be that happening all over again. So I kind of feel like.... I don't know. As I say, 36, clock ticking very loudly, and here's a guy who'll want to take things ten times as slowly... And I really like him - I do - but I'm big enough and ugly enough to know that liking, or love, doesn't conquer all.

It would be nice to see him on the weekends. You know, just every now and again. I am quite independent - I don't want a Siamese twin - but it kind of came to a head tonight. He asked me to come back and see him (I visit him because he has his own place and I live with my parents (I know, I know - the most tragic part of this tale yet)).... On Thursday. He said he's busy all of Christmas week. And I kind of think... Really? I mean, I get it - he's a dad - but is it really that, or is it that he's just not that "into me"?

I don't know. When I was a kid, I stuck with guys for years (one guy almost ten), who, looking back, I shouldn't have stayed with for five minutes. In the past couple of years, none of my relationships have gone beyond a couple of months. I don't know whether it's because I can see we're incompatible, or whether I'm scared of getting my heart broken yet again and I'm sabotaging them before I get too attached. I'd be grateful for anyone's thoughts.

There's no way whatsoever anybody should introduce a child to somebody for a six-week relationship. It's not surprising that you haven't met his son. He is very right in going very slowly. People actually shouldn't introduce their children unless they're very serious about somebody as in they are going to marry them. There is no reason to blow up a kid's life if a relationship doesn't work out.

If you have raging baby fever maybe someone who wants to go slowly is not a good choice for you.

I think it's important to take the first 2-3 months of dating to assess if the person has the same goals/values that you have. If he's generally not interested in/wanting marriage in a time frame that is similar to you (e.g. within the next four years as an example) then it's pointless to date him. If you want children in the context of marriage, that would be a waste of your time.

In the meantime, I wouldn't worry about it yet.

Unfortunately, I think the added layer of sex adds emotional attachment that might not have been there otherwise without the sex.

I am not sure why you live with your parents but I don't think it presents well as a 36 year old woman.

Victoria: No, no. I completely understand and respect that - you're absolutely right. Meeting his son would be totally inappropriate now. If the boot were on the other foot, I wouldn't. Just... I don't know. It's Christmas. If a guy doesn't want to see you during Christmas week, not even for an hour, doesn't that tell you the way he feels about you? Or maybe it is "raging baby fever"? I'm not sure I can even tell anymore.

Miss Darcy: Thank you for your reply, though I'm really not sure I appreciate the judgement on my personal circumstances. But then hey, the truth is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow.

vic I feel like I am stalking you tonight haha

but that last sentence is what ran through my head as well ..

As women mellie we totally get where you are with the bio clock and you are indeed quite right to be aware . It's quite a horrid situation really to be wondering if someone is worth the investment so to speak when as every month is passing you feel like your eggs are drying up like the sahara desert . I can appreciate you don't want to get to 40 and find out he can't put himself through having any more children and you still havent started .

Having said all that , you are in the early stages ..you are only 36 ..a damn site rosier than been 46 , and giving this relationship a little more time to let it establish wont harm you at all .. no matter who it is you are always going to have to go through this process of getting to know all aspects of a potential partner ..so I would just go with it and see what starts to unfold in terms of getting to know him and his views better .

Christmas week is a special bonding time for families. I remember I worked Christmas day the year my son was three years old. Even though he was with his grandparents and his dad my mom said he cried his heart out the entire day because his mom wasn't there. Christmas is incredibly exciting for children and they want to share it with their parents. If by next year you're still not included in Christmas then I would worry about it.

..........

did you ask him straight up if he wants more children? (point out not necessarily with you, but just in general.)

I don't know if it's so much that there's no room for you as it may be he's not really fully recovered from his marriage ending. And I say that, because his remarks to you about how much the divorce affected him. It's not something one usually says if they've had time to process everything, get past it, heal and decide, "Okay, time to go back out and see if I can do this again."

How long ago was his divorce? And about Christmas why not ask him about when you can see him for Christmas. Usually when two people are dating then yes, they make time for each other during the holidays. That he isn't is another indicator that for him this may well be him getting his feet wet in the dating world, but not being serious about a commitment.

If it's a commitment you want, I don't think it's whether or not he's a dad, it's whether or not he's fully moved on from the divorce and his ex-wife. And from what you detail it doesn't sound like he fully has. You aren't a brat for wanting to spend a weekend and/or some holiday time with someone you're dating by the way. Does he take you out at all or has this sort of become a "he just sleeps over then leaves" kind of thing? Does he take an interest in you and your life as well or is it more him talking to you about his problems and upsets and so forth?

Those are things to take into consideration in assessing whether he's relationship ready or it's more about sex.

Annie, that's the other thing that came up tonight - maybe that's the bit that really spooked me. I spelt out right before we met that I was apprehensive about dating him because I want to get married and have children (I mean not in the morning or anything, just someday), but that him having been there, (and I know it ended badly - he's told me he was a mess for a long time after they broke up), he may understandably be reticent about that. I mean, I don't want a baby tomorrow or anything, but the idea that I'll never have a child is growing more and more real, and it scares me.

He told me tonight that the idea of having another baby with a mother he'd broken up with terrifies him... And then it kind of all ballooned from there. We use condoms. I'm on the pill. I'm not sure whether the hormones might me making me a little crazy - I've not been on it for a long while. But I don't know.... When he said that, I started to wonder whether he was closed off to me - like it was over already - because of what happened with someone else? I read too much into things. Shooting Star, you sound like a friend of mine. She says I need to be positive - take things as they come - but the first bad vibe and I just run these days.

Paulette, I think you just hit the nail on the head. I'm so polite. He tells me bits and bobs, but I don't like to ask outright. When I told a friend of mine I was dating a divorcee, she told me I had to grill him, like the Spanish inquisition. And I kind of think.... No. I imagine how I would feel if he pressed me on my failed relationships. They may not have ended in a court room, there may not be a paper trail, but they still happened, I just like to shuffle them under the carpet; keep them to myself. But yes. You're right. The relationship may be over, but the pain, or the memory is still real, from the little snippets he tells me. Everything just seems to get harder as you get older. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just go back to a blank canvass? Or maybe not. Maybe we'd all still be love struck 12 year olds, and not learned a damned thing.

He does take me out. We talk. About politics, and religion, and philosophy, and... just life. I don't think it's just about sex. It definitely wasn't, until it happened...! Now it has, everything's getting blurred. I'm not sure whether it's me being paranoid - a self fulfilling prophecy - which will end in me pushing him away before he gets close enough to hurt me.

Think long and hard if you want to (or are able to) be in a relationship with someone who has a child. I just had my first real experience dating a man with a child, and it was not easy. There were other reasons things ended, but as someone who has no kids and who lives a very spontaneous, active, and free spirited kind of life, we were in just two completely different places. Consider the type of relationship you want and determine if you guys are on the same page. If not, move on before you get more attached than you are and end up getting hurt. Good luck to you.

"Having another baby with a mother he'd broken up with terrifies him"

I'm a single parent, and this is my biggest fear. I don't want to do this again. I want a partner for the rest of my life...to raise our future babies together. I want a family with two parents living in the same house. I want to know that my partner has my back. I want to pick the right person this time.

Also...I think ending things with your child's parent is super hard. When I ended things with my daughters father...it was a really dark time. I was so happy to not be with him...but so sad/scared to break up our dysfunctional family. I wondered if I had ruined my daughters life- If she would become another statistic of single moms. I felt so small. And...I say all this 5 years after the break up. I'm totally over my daughters father, we're friends now. I still say it was a dark time. A horrible time. A time I wouldn't ever want to go back to....and I'm dating someone awesome right now.

Someone who I wonder....if he'll end up being the father of future children. Someone...who didn't meet my daughter until 5 months in...someone who has had to work around my crazy/weird/inflexible schedule the entire time....someone who is now there for me when I'm in a bind and I call my daughters father and of course, he's not able to pick up our daughter from daycare...so my bf does.

It takes someone with such a huge heart to date someone with a child. Someone who is understanding...because some times I cancel plans a few hours before they're supposed to happen because my babysitter bailed and i can't find anyone on short notice....someone who stays up late helping me draw all over the walls, so my daughter is surprised at what her elf on a shelf did. Someone who....smiles when moving over when being woken up at 5 am by coughing, crying little girl crawling into my side of the bed. Someone who...asked what my expectations of him in my daughter life...and has never overstepped those boundaries set. Someone who...just adores her. Reads books with her, answers her awkward 6 year old questions (like, "when are you going to fertilize my mom?" Right after we had the where do babies come from talk), explains science to her...all with a laugh and a hug. Those people that can love someone else's child...are so special. It's not easy. It's probably harder than being a parent...because you have all the responsibility and none of the "well, I'm your mom/dad and we have unconditional love" cards for back up.

Dating your bf will be hard. And he will move slower...because he's already "been there, done that, has the shirt" and he wants to make sure that before he has another baby, that you're both "in" for life. You need to think about if you can be second to a child. If you can move a bit slower.

I don't know...he might still be hung up on his ex. Or he might just have learned the lesson....you'll have to figure that out...and if he's worth that wait.

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I am not trying to judge you but just as you are looking at red flags on him he will be looking for them on YOU. And your living situation may give him pause or cause for concern.

I think he is giving you very good insight into his feelings right now. I would encourage you to practice the art of open communication with strategic and curious questions. Learn subtlety. There is a medium between not asking him anything and conducting an inquisition.

But six weeks in, you don't know each other at all and you are not even in a relationship. So don't treat him like he's the one in your mind. Just observe and information gather.

I would slow way down, definitely accept that Christmas is a family time and you are not in his family and you do need to find out sooner rather than later how he feels about having more children. When I was your age I went on a few dates with men who had a child/children but it was never my preference and it never went further than a few dates (in one case he told me that if we got more serious I'd be staying over in his apartment at the same time as his children. Nope.). And I would seriously consider taking the steps needed to move out of your parent's house.

Ok. "Living with parents" was on my dating profile, and he approached me knowing that. No, it's far from an ideal situation and yes, I fully realise and am working towards fixing that, but short of waving a magic wand, there's no way around it right now. I'm not apologising for that - to him, or anyone else. I am, and always have been, completely financially independent from anyone I've dated - I always pay my way, both within a relationship and with regard to my family. But yes, the label does bother me.

On his dating profile, it stated, "divorced". Under children, it initially said "0". It magically changed to "1" the day before we were due to go out on the first date. I know. Massive red flag right there. I did call him out on it and asked how he could magically acquire a 4 year old son overnight. I said that although I was open to the idea of dating a father, I was pretty daunted by it. I've never dated one before and I laid my cards down on the table and explained that I wanted to get married and have kids of my own (though fully appreciated that may well not be with him - I'm not a complete psycho - we were only meeting for coffee). He said he completely understood that I might find it a big deal, or at least a consideration. And I came to see that at least I got to talk to him for him for a while... if that makes any sense? If I'd known from day 1 he had a child all I would have seen was a neon popup flashing "I HAVE A CHILD!". I have no point of reference. I don't know what to do with that. I mean, my brother's fiancée has two sons and I've seen how happy they all are; I'm open to the idea, but I don't know whether I'm going to be able to handle the reality. Everyone around me is having kids. I'm going to be an aunty soon, and it's kind of set off alarm bells. I don't know. I don't even want to have a baby, not logically, not right now, not for the conceivable future actually, but there's just this thing niggling away in the back of my head. Am I going to look around not long from now and feel like I've missed out?

I don't know. He talks about his son. He talks about the breakdown of his relationship. I don't talk about my breakups - as I say - they may not have ended in a court room or resulted in a child, but they were pretty big chunks of my makeup. I feel like it's all about him. Yes, the fact that he has a child is massive, but to put it into context, he hasn't even asked me my last name! And I don't know about having these little surprises sprung on me at the last moment, from I have a child to I'm not going to see you over Christmas (I'm sorry, I appreciate that it's a family time, but come on. He's talking about the whole week. He's told me twice he's alone Christmas Eve; I've told him I have no plans. What's with that? I mean... if you like someone, you want to see them, don't you? Maybe it's me. I don't know).

I know. I need to grow a pair and talk to him. I just hate all this stuff. I just like a nice quiet life where everyone's happy - like the ending of every good romcom - pretty much I can't cope with drama - any kind of confrontation. But there are a few niggles here and there. He was talking about crushes the other day - about how he has the hots for a couple of Chinese TV cooks. His ex-wife is Chinese. He talks about China quite a lot... And it's kind of a way in which we had a connection. I dated an Egyptian guy for a few years. I think to date someone from a completely different culture really broadens your outlook on the world. We share an interest in off the beaten road travel. Or was he letting me know that he has a type, and I'm not it? I'm gingery blonde.... Is it passive-aggressive behaviour? I can only judge from what I've seen before. I had an ex who started out with tiny, insignificant remarks, but by the end he was downright nasty. Everyone tried to tell me, but I was too far gone by then.

I don't know. I hear alarm bells - I don't think seeing him would be a good idea. Blurting all of this out after six weeks is way too intense - it just feels a little psycho. I think I need to back off and get some perspective.

Oh wow, there are way more complications than him having a child...it might be best to just end things and find a guy who can look outside his own peripheral to find out your last name.

Oh wow, there are way more complications than him having a child...it might be best to just end things and find a guy who can look outside his own peripheral to find out your last name.

I feel like.... When I was younger, everything just seemed easy, you know? You didn't have to deal with all of this stuff. But the older you get, in the dating game, the more baggage you have to deal with. Do I wish he hadn't been married? Do I wish he didn't have a son? No I don't. I'm not an idiot. I know he wouldn't be the person he is now without these things having happened, and I do, incidentally, really like him. For me it's been a trade-off in recent years of dating over physical chemistry versus personality compatibility. With him it's a score on both counts. I'm just very aware that I've been a bit daft in the past and ignored red flags, sometimes for years, whereas now I seem to bolt at the first squeak of conflict.

Dating is easier when were younger....we don't know what we're looking for, we don't have baggage, everyone is an experiment....and now we all have a past, future goals, and we have doubt...because none of our prior relationships have worked...why would this one? You know?

I spent years with guys that...weren't worthy of my youth. But I was young and dumb and believed in potential. Now....I believe we are who we are...and we must pick a partner based on who they are in this moment...not who they could be in a year or five.

And I totally know the feeling of wanting babies...but thinking "right now is a horrible time to do this." I'm launching a new business...and...I biologically know I need to be done having kids in the next three years. It's a huge conflict in my head....

Just...don't waste your time. Don't date guys that don't care to know your name, or lie on their profiles...find a good man, they're are lots out there. And last year...I was wondering the same thing...do I have to give up chemistry to find a good one that I get along with? And the answer is....there can be both. But you can't get hung up on the ones that don't offer what you're looking for...and you can't waste your time being strung along by people who are almost what you want.

Just keep swimmin'

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I feel like.... When I was younger, everything just seemed easy, you know? You didn't have to deal with all of this stuff. But the older you get, in the dating game, the more baggage you have to deal with. Do I wish he hadn't been married? Do I wish he didn't have a son? No I don't. I'm not an idiot. I know he wouldn't be the person he is now without these things having happened, and I do, incidentally, really like him. For me it's been a trade-off in recent years of dating over physical chemistry versus personality compatibility. With him it's a score on both counts. I'm just very aware that I've been a bit daft in the past and ignored red flags, sometimes for years, whereas now I seem to bolt at the first squeak of conflict.

It depends on how badly you want your own children. If you do then you need to make that clear soon because of your age. I didn't meet the right person till I was almost 39 and didn't start trying to conceive till I was almost 41. Boy was that stressful and boy was I incredibly lucky. Wouldn't change a thing of course but believe me it's no fun having a high risk "geriatric" pregnancy -far more stressful than when you're under 40.

Yes, the fact that he has a child is massive, but to put it into context, he hasn't even asked me my last name! And I don't know about having these little surprises sprung on me at the last moment, from I have a child to I'm not going to see you over Christmas (I'm sorry, I appreciate that it's a family time, but come on. He's talking about the whole week. He's told me twice he's alone Christmas Eve; I've told him I have no plans. What's with that? I mean... if you like someone, you want to see them, don't you? Maybe it's me. I don't know).

Wait, hold up a minute. This is a whole lot more serious than him having a kid. A) It was deceptive what he did with the profile--I'm sorry, not adding his kid until he knew you were interested in meeting him? Not good. And B) he hasn't even asked your last name? And you mention he wants to talk about himself all the time--um, this is not looking good. That coupled with the whole not contacting you at all for Christmas says something else may very well be going on with this guy and it's not all on the up and up.

You're right to hear alarm bells going off. Sorry, I think it's time to get back out on the dating circuit and maybe next time not have sex with someone who won't even give you the common courtesy of asking your full name the way hello, even your banker or someone at a party would. That's just awful manners and I'm a huge one for manners.

Red flags and more red flags. Don't discount what your gut is telling you here. Something is wrong. I think it's time to politely distance yourself. I would have been out there door with the "I suddenly have a kid." Why on earth would he even lie like that in the first place? Are you positive this guy is really divorced or there even is a kid? Have you ever been to his house, seen pics of the kid, met anyone in his life or no? If you're going to be serious enough to look at this guy as potential father material then you need to learn those things, and sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry, but something just seems very weird here. How do you not ask someone's last name??? How do you forget to tell someone you have a kid on your dating profile???

Doesn't care about knowing your last name and lied on his profile ... unless you are Chinese (or Asian), I think this guy is a non-starter for you.

It's actually a red flag (to me anyway) - if you're dating for more than a few weeks and he doesn't care to know your last name?? most guys asked me right away!!

Well that played out true to form. He ended it tonight, via text. Said he just wasn't feeling it. I said ok - thanks for being honest. He wished me a merry Christmas from the bottom of his heart...

Seriously?!!

Well that played out true to form. He ended it tonight, via text. Said he just wasn't feeling it. I said ok - thanks for being honest. He wished me a merry Christmas from the bottom of his heart...

 

Seriously?!!

 

I think this is for the best.

I was just going to post that the guy didn't sound too much into you, and that's why he had refused to see you over the Christmas week. I highly doubt the reason was because he was going to be busy with family (he only has his son on weekends, right? So he would have had time over the Christmas week to spend with you). He either had someone else on his mind to spend this time with, or he just preferred to stay alone and not invest in a Christmas gift.

Plus the red flags ... him not asking for your last name even, him lying on his dating profile...it all makes me think he's still very much playing the field and just looking for casual sex.

You didn't lose anything...you are lucky he gave you an easy out.