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I don't think this is working.


WithLove

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I need to talk about what's going on.

 

My guy and I decided to do a trial run of him moving in with me, with the understanding that if in a few months, he felt like getting his own place, he would. It's always been in the back of my mind that that's what he really wants, but him choosing to live with me again made me so unbelievably happy that I tricked myself into thinking that he'd see it was so good with me that he couldn't possibly want to leave again. (I just reread this and now I feel like a psycho.)

 

Since he moved in, things haven't been nearly what I thought they'd be. I live in a studio, so it's small to begin with; but he has so much stuff and another cat that we're cramped ALL THE TIME. We literally cannot unpack most of his things because there's nowhere to put anything. But with the idea of him possibly leaving/or if he stays and we get a bigger place when my lease is expired, the idea of getting outside storage hasn't quite manifested yet.

 

Here is the major issue: He is still friends with his ex. The ex that, in my mind, he left me for. When we first dated, the last 2 weeks of our relationship was him spending all his time with her and her boyfriend. I begged him for communication and he just wouldn't open up to me. I so resented that he felt he could talk to this girl and not me. Then, when I asked him to leave for a few days so we could try to sort things out, he went to her place to stay. It was the nail in the coffin for me. She and her bf broke up, my bf never left and they became a couple (predictably).

 

Last week I told him I wasn't comfortable with him still texting her/being friends on social media, given their history. Yesterday I asked him if he would remove her. He wanted to know what the big deal was, that they worked together (yes, work together) and were still friendly to each other there, so why should he shut her out for what he felt was no reason? I explained that it was inappropriate, since they are exes, and that his arguments would hold IF he hadn't left me for her already in the past. (Even though, time-wise, this isn't technically true, I felt that those last 2 weeks she pulled him away from me and he'd been having an emotional affair.) He still argued with me, telling me I was making this into a huge deal and it was a non-issue for him. In the end I compromised because for our entire relationship, past and present, he has always been changing for me, and I never change for him. I realized that he's going to talk to her whether I want him to or not; I just asked him to please do not throw away my trust again. I don't believe he's doing anything inappropriate like meeting her outside of work; I just don't like him talking to her, period.

 

But this morning, I woke up feeling like sh*t. I feel like I'm still justified in my feelings and that it will never be okay with me. I want her to be in the past, but since they work together, he'll never be free of her. I asked him last week if he would go to couples counseling with me. He didn't jump for joy over the idea. I asked him again this morning if he would; he said he'd think about it. I truly feel like the things we need to say to each other haven't been said yet. I feel like we can't do this on our own. And I also don't know if I even want to try to make this work. I know he moved in too soon. I know we should have waited. But it happened and now he's living with me.

 

Ideally, I want to ask him to move out and us be apart for awhile. He would be furious with me, but I just want to be alone. I want to sort my own issues out without his help. I love him but I feel hurt. I'm heartbroken even though we're still "together".

 

Also noted: I'm changing meds again. So for the past 4 days or so, I've been on nothing for depression/anxiety. Am I feeling all of this because I'm not on any meds? Maybe I'm just overreacting to everything?

 

I don't know what to do.

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I read back and I make him seem like a monster. He's a great guy. He works full time, has his own vehicle; he told me he would be paying half the bills upon his move-in, I didn't have to ask him for anything; we have a lot in common and love hanging out with each other. We have a lot of fun together, my family likes him, and his daughter loves me. So it's not like it would be a clean break, if that's what happens.

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Here is the major issue: He is still friends with his ex. The ex that, in my mind, he left me for. When we first dated, the last 2 weeks of our relationship was him spending all his time with her and her boyfriend. I begged him for communication and he just wouldn't open up to me. I so resented that he felt he could talk to this girl and not me. Then, when I asked him to leave for a few days so we could try to sort things out, he went to her place to stay. It was the nail in the coffin for me. She and her bf broke up, my bf never left and they became a couple (predictably).

 

When it gets to the point where you feel the need to ask him to cut ties with his ex, it clearly tells you where you stand. You're not overreacting, your intuition is telling you something is 'off kilter" and you need to pay attention.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but can you honestly say you can fully trust him in the long term?

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I agree on not picking fights and making decisions when you are going through a change in meds.

 

Having said that, I don't think it's a good idea for you to keep trying to sweep your feelings about the ex under the rug. At some point you will have to make a firm decision - either you can accept the past and accept their continued contact or you need to leave this relationship for good. What you can't do is keep stewing on this and keep feeling unhappy and insecure about your relationship. He has certainly given you plenty of reason to feel bad and uncomfortable. What is he doing to make you feel comfortable? That's really the question you should be looking at and I am not talking about just what he says, but also how he conducts himself in terms of actions.

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Counseling is a fabulous idea.

 

Something to keep in mind are your boundaries. In this case, it sounds like you two need to clearly define what those are in regards to exes and friendship. Obviously work is unavoidable, but what needs to be done to ensure your security? No one should be unsafe in a relationship.

 

That being said, like Mhowe said, asking him to leave is going to give him mixed signals and could potentially send him packing. If you need space, perhaps try limiting the time spent in your studio. Go to a coffee shop, arcade, LAN parties etc. Or put on Destiny and tune the rest of the world out.

 

Good luck and hope it works out.

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We have had many discussions about boundaries. He agrees that he is not good at establishing them, at all. But he has told me flat out that he is still friends with her, platonically, and he does not feel like it's necessary to unfriend her from social media and not chat with her outside of work (texting). He said he doesn't like being told who he can and cannot talk to and that I have nothing to worry about because they are just friends and she isn't trying to "get him back". I have no evidence that she is or that they are being inappropriate in any way.

 

So really it's a matter of me deciding for myself if I can live with the texting and social media. Most days I am honestly not too bothered by it. If I'm having a bad day, then everything bothers me. It's a combo of me trying to find meds that work for me and let me feel "normal" and also me retracting my claws from him and letting him do what he wants. I don't want to be the girlfriend that monitors everything he does; if it comes to that, it's a failure on both our parts.

 

Our relationship is so shaky right now. All I want is to be happy. But I feel like I have too many stipulations to be happy, and that's a problem. I'm not sure we can work it out.

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I totally get that, and agree with it.

 

Except, it doesn't hold any weight considering they WERE once platonic friends, not doing anything inappropriate, and they WERE only friends at work and texted after work. Then he started hanging out with her. And then we finished and he dated her.

 

In my heart I feel like he likes attachment, but not commitment, because he's never just single. He's always bouncing between women. If I didn't love him, and I was an outsider looking in, I'd be all "Get out NOW, you deserve better". But I know he's a good guy. I know he wants to be with me - he has proven that to me. But just these little things.

 

Ugh. I am disgusted with myself.

 

It's like a cycle of me feeling like my feelings don't really have merit, to me totally believing that my brain is trying to warn my heart that this can and may happen again.

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