trying hard to kill all hope

She is gone. She isn't coming back.

She said this before and after 3 months of NC back she came.

She is "all tried out" and doesn't trust that me finally getting help with depression will change me.

I'm not the man I used to be etc etc

How do I kill the hope that she will come back again?

I'm putting off valuing our house, leaving the ball in her court in case she does a u turn.

I'm having panic attacks about the thought of this really being it.

I'm beating myself up that countless times she told me to get help and I didn't. Now that I finally am she isn't there to support me

She says she loves me but it isn't enough

I'm afraid I'm only trying to change for her, although I know I need to

The whole problem is --- it wasn't her job to "support you" when you wouldn't help yourself.

And getting treated for depression --- takes quite a bit of time.

Take this as a very not fun life lesson. People will not continue to help you when you don't appear to want to help yourself, and you are not due infinite amount of chances.

She says she loves me but it isn't enough

 

I'm afraid I'm only trying to change for her, although I know I need to

You should want to change for yourself, if you're not being all that you're capable of being.

You must take responsibility for your own life!

Trade hope for possibilities and you take all the pressure of expectations off.

 

I'm afraid I'm only trying to change for her, although I know I need to

That right there is exactly why YOU have to do this. Get strong enough that you don't NEED someone else, only then can any relationship be mutually fulfilling. It's not fair that she has to be strong enough for both of you.

1) Start off by focusing on being grateful for the things you do have, no matter how small or temporary. Fulfillment starts with gratitude.

2) Get your body balanced. This is going to sound stupid, but being dehydrated, vitamin, or hormone deficient can make you tired, irritable and depressed. I started taking vitamin D and B supplements and drinking tons of water and it made such a difference in energy and attitude.

3) Focus your energy and establish goals (not related to women). A man with a purpose and direction will by nature be more attractive.

4) Never make someone else responsible for your feelings. That pertains to bringing you down or needing them to bring you up. The old adage that someone completes you is fairy tale nonsense. Healthy relationships consist of two people who are independently complete that choose to be together.

5) Build your inner strength. Right now you are suffering from addiction and fear, not exactly the best formula for good decisions or a meaningful relationship.

That right there is exactly why YOU have to do this. Get strong enough that you don't NEED someone else, only then can any relationship be mutually fulfilling. It's not fair that she has to be strong enough for both of you.

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I agree entirely.

I had my first session with my counselor yesterday. She gave me a few home truths about how I was in the relationship and told me to fix myself FIRST.

After all - who wants to be with somebody who is depressed and has all these obvious flaws?

She said that because of our communication that needs to take place re: house etc - she will be able to tell in time that I am a changed man (not that it will happen over night) and that if she doesn't come back, someone else will come along.

It's difficult to immediately not go back to the ex and say: "Look look! I'm trying to get better honest!" - I need to keep telling myself that isn't fair. This is my issue, not hers.

I agree entirely.

 

I had my first session with my counselor yesterday. She gave me a few home truths about how I was in the relationship and told me to fix myself FIRST.

 

After all - who wants to be with somebody who is depressed and has all these obvious flaws?

 

She said that because of our communication that needs to take place re: house etc - she will be able to tell in time that I am a changed man (not that it will happen over night) and that if she doesn't come back, someone else will come along.

 

It's difficult to immediately not go back to the ex and say: "Look look! I'm trying to get better honest!" - I need to keep telling myself that isn't fair. This is my issue, not hers.

Its good that you are trying. Some people dont even do that much.

Women get so tired of empty promises and hollow intentions. It is SOO much more valuable that you change for you. Drill it in your head, you're doing it for you. At the moment it probably feels like your boat is sinking, you gotta plug the holes before you ask anyone to join you.

If this has taught me anything its that I don't like the person I have become. I'm trying bloody hard to change. It's just a shame it took her leaving for me to realise.

That's my problem now - it looks like an empty promise. I will leave her be until after Xmas and finish my counselling.

It has really made me take stock, and realise what I want out of life. Yes I'm not thinking clearly at the moment, but I want to marry this woman, I always have, yet I made no attempt to do anything about it. No more.

I pray there is a happy ending for us, but yes I realise I need to do it for me first and foremost. Like I said: either she will see I'm a changed man, or I will be a better man for someone else

How a better man for yourself??

BTW when I saw your first post for this thread, I thought it was a poem.... A good one at that.

I promise you, you will get over it, and you will probably look back at this time in a year or two and wonder why you were putting so much effort into something not meant to be. Good for you for getting counseling. Relationships are not that difficult. And please stop saying " it took her to leave for me to change" blah blah blah. I have been through manny brake up and after each one I was absolutely miserable and I look back today and don't miss a single one of them, got over every one of them, and am very happy with my partner now.

I appreciate your opinion. But it's all it is. I'm not saying you're wrong or right: I'm saying if she didn't leave I wouldn't have sought help.

Yes we have all been through break ups. And they suck. And yes, I might be being delusional but I know this woman better than anyone.

My therapist hasn't told me to shut her out and run for the hills or move on. She said to show my ex that I am changing. If she still loves me she will see.

If she doesn't I will move on.

I love this forum for the help, support and kind words that people offer. But I very much dislike the defeatist attitude some people have. You don't know the ins and outs. I do.

Delusional was correct! My apologies.

Another heated argument with the ex today in which I said what I thought in terms of her leaving me when I needed her most.

She replied saying that she was ready to leave 6 months ago unless I sought help - I did, but didn't take it seriously. I manipulated her into staying.

She is right! My manipulation is something I touched on with my counsellor. It is the reason why she no longer trusts me and sees no way back.

Its a harsh lesson, but one I must learn I'm afraid!

Dude, all you are doing is hurting yourself more, and pushing her farther and farther away. Go no contact (Completely) and move on in a healthy positive way. You are in denial now. I am sure you will go a few more rounds of contact until you have zero pride and self worth left before finally realizing that you need to stop all contact with her in order to stop hurting and start healing.

Contact in any way simply validates everything she ever thought about you that made her breakup with you in the first place. It's like putting up a billboard and shouting "HEY! I am the same exact guy you broke up with!! You were totally justified and here is the proof!!"

If you go no contact, and move on by making your life a better more exciting life without her with new experiences and new friends and new cool healthy activities etc... and do it for YOU and no ones else... That is the only way that she will ever possibly "maybe" change her view of you a LONG time down the road. Maybe at that point (after you are over her and healed completely for real) she gets curious and reaches out and you are no longer the guy who she was so positive fit neatly into that box she shoved you in. But by that point....chances are you will be able to make a sound logical decision and look forward and not backward.

But what you are doing? Contacting and fighting and all the rest? That makes you look weak (women respect strength in men...never forget that) and simply validates and justifies her decisions. Be strong. Move on and go no contact. That's how you gain some respect from her.

Hope that you get there soon brother. Pain and anguish is no way to live.

No contact isn't an option due to money and property that is jointly owned.

She will never trust me again, I'm at peace with that. But yeah I catch your drift, no more personal issues are left to be discussed.

I want to move on, I have no delusions about her coming back now.

No contact isn't an option due to money and property that is jointly owned.

 

She will never trust me again, I'm at peace with that. But yeah I catch your drift, no more personal issues are left to be discussed.

 

I want to move on, I have no delusions about her coming back now.

I was once in the same boat you are. I owned a house with my ex-wife during my divorce 5 years ago. I actually had to live with her in the same house for a few months too knowing we were divorcing (it was seriously hell on earth for me). I decided for myself to go "minimal contact" as much as humanly possible. And whenever we absolutely had to have contact, I made sure it was only to speak about logistics with selling the house and the divorce papers, and that was it... I tried to be as indifferent as I possibly could when contact was unavoidable. And I moved to get everything finalized as fast as I could and moved out on my own as quickly as possible. After the house was sold and no other ties where there.... you guess it, no contact for a very very very long time.

During my time of minimal contact, I did what I could to start building a new better life for myself. I was hitting the gym like a mad man, joined a new group sport that is super brutal but really fun with awesome new people that are like family to me now. I was volunteering at a homeless shelter for vets too. And when I moved out, I made sure it was to a really fun cool new place that was teaming with single people and fun places to chill at. I have zero regrets on how I dealt with a 10 year breakup. I don't think that I could have done it any better. Hurt like a bastard and was scary as sh** to do, but again....I am more important to myself than her ability to hurt me was.

Today, all is forgiven and I am very happy that I did what I did believe me lol. And I had my chance to get back too, but I didn't take it. She was't the one and it took a long time of no contact and healing to see that clearly. It will take you similar time relative to your relationship length to see the same thing.

Dude, you are more important to YOU than her ability to hurt you. Once you realize that is the truth, you will do everything you can to avoid more damage to yourself...

The pain is coming regardless right now, why grab at it? Right?

I guess what makes it even more difficult for me right now is that the depression makes me not want to go out and do things. Although I am forcing myself to.

I want to meet new people, but at the same time I don't want to use women to get over another.

I guess I need to keep plugging away! Once the anti depressants kick in I'm sure I'll see things clearer!!

I'm sorry that you are going through that man. And believe me, I was there too in my head quite a few times. But I just decided that I wasn't going to let that situation kick my butt and I would be doing the butt kicking from that point forward. I've never taken any meds. If you need them then you need them.

Thing is, this too will pass brother. Regardless of what happens with you, this will be done and over and behind you. She will be memories. The trajectory that YOU choose to take from this point is entirely up to you. You can be the lump on the couch depressed crying angry sad guy who she will NEVER EVER respect.... Or you can choose to pick yourself up and create a better more exciting and satisfying life for YOURSELF by being strong and moving on with the least amount of contact possible.....for YOU.

The choice is yours my friend... choose wisely.

p.s. it isn't using women if you are straight forward with your intentions. Sometimes its a little them using you and you using them lol. First things first though.... gym, join one asap. And lift weights....screw the running crap. 4 essential elements for you should be Eat, drink, gym, breathe. Rinse repeat. Don't forget to breathe!!!!

Tomorrow is another day

I woke up today feeling great. She will realise the grass isn't greener, not that it matters - we weren't right together. I don't think she really got me, I think after 5 years we became comfortable and I'm missing the comfort more than I am her.

I have a lot going for me, youth, a good job, very nice car, ace family and friends.

I'm staying positive that someone better is just around the corner! There is plenty of life left to be had.

Had a whopper of an anxiety attack yesterday!

Struggled to get out of bed today, but still trying to stay positive!

Contacted a girl I went to school with a long time ago who I've always thought was attractive, got chatting online and I asked her out! Always wanted to but never gathered the nerve.

Not had a response yet, but it feels good to force myself to try and carry on living life!

Well the new girl said yes to going and seeing a movie Friday. Bloody great to have something to look fowards to

Good for you, sometimes dating can really help getting over someone. Have fun!

Well done sir! That's really good to hear. And remember NOT to talk about your ex "at all". Just saying....its a total turn off. Keep it present, not past.

Maybe it's none of my business but I gotta say it, I think it's a bad decision to date at the moment. You haven't given yourself any time whatsoever to even get an accurate assessment on your true feelings and mind set. The dust hasn't even settled. I know how good that acceptance feels, but you aren't building strength for long term stability this way. Just saying, you gotta cross that bridge at some point.

Well....I would agree that he isn't ready for a relationship at all. But as long as he is honest about that with someone, and she is fine with it... I don't see why not. Sometimes a nice ego boost is exactly what the doctor ordered...