How much longer should I try? considering leaving after 10+ years

Where do I even begin.

We have been together for over ten years, basically my whole adult life. I have "never" lived the single life, and only had one partner before. I have always had a low self confidence with girls. Probaly more than I have reason to be. Junior high was a bad time for me, skinny and with no confidence. Had few friends, and was outside of pretty much every group. I believe I blossomed a bit by high school. I suspect I might even be considered averagely handsome from some angles, but my terrible self esteem still calls me a conceited pretesious idiot when I imagine someone pretty having a good eye for me to this day. I literally have no idea what level I am at when it comes to looks. I But I think I swept her off her feet when we first met. In hindsight, I might have settled for for the first person who gave me any positive response, and actually found me attractive. In any case, the first years were good, we had a great sex life, and were totally hot for each other. After a few years, things started to go up and down, as most long relationships do. She has had many rough patches in her life, I suspect she has suffered from depression most of her life, and I have become used to dealing with her heavy days, almost to the point of becoming jaded. I have thought about leaving several times. Not so much because of anything major, just the fact that I have never really been with anyone else, and I start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. But I have always been terrified of beeing alone, to the point of not beeing able to sleep alone. And even though I have had small crushes on other girls from time to time, I have never really considered the possibility that anyone else would be attracted to me. So even in times where I have had a clear shot a leaving, I never dared to break up. I even endured going through her cheating on me. I probably wasnt the best boyfriend at this time, didnt give her the attention she needed, which doesnt excuse it, but I could at least understand why it happened. Strangely, the whole deal made me want her even more. Might have been my low self esteem getting to me, but I couldt stand the thought of loosing her, and we patched things ut pretty well (this is several years ago now). She has also struggled with a bad self image most of her life, and in dark days she has said she doesnt deserve me, that I would be better of with someone else etc. But when living with a depressed partner for so long, you just get used to the Jekyll and Mr Hyde nature of the relationship, and I end up taking the things she says when depressed with a large grain of salt. But even in her most dark days there is sometimes some truth to what she says. She isnt always a good person. She does treat me like from time to time. I do agree sometimes, that I do deserve someone better, who loves and respects me more. I want a partner I can be completely hones with. Right now, there are just to many half-truths in my life. I cant bring myself to be completely honest with her, even though she sees right through me at times. I dont see how it is going to help if I am honest and agrees with some of her depressing, but in all hounesty, realistic thoughts. I dont want her to get hurt, but I seem to end up saying hurtful things although my intentions are good. I am not sure I even know what romantic love is anymore. When she on a rare occation shows me affection, kisses me, hugs me, anything really, I am struck with warm fuzzy feelings. But I dont know if it because I love her, or because I love feeling loved and desired. I can get an innocent crush quite easilly if a girl shows me any positive attention. And I fear its just this I feel when she once in a fortnight actually gives me any signal of affection. I am starting to give up on fixing things. I cant see myself admitting to perhaps beeing with her for ten years just out of fear of beeing alone. I feel like the next step is just confessing how I've felt for all this time, which is complicated as all hell, as I dont even know what has been love, fear of beeing alone, or pure contrarian stubborness. But some of the truths I fear are just way to hurtful to be of any good. She knows about her less compelling traits, but I always brush it off when she is depressed and complaing what a bad person she is. But there is truth to some of it. I just wish she could be the person she wants to be. I want both of us to be happy, but I dont know if that means we should break up or try to patch things up again. The kernel of the matter I think is just how little I know about what I really feel. I could probaly have a happy marriage with an ogre if that ogre showed affection for me. I fear that some affection is all I need to feel what I have until now assumed to be love. We no longer have much in common in terms of interessts. Little to talk about. I keep thinking about how great it could be to have someone to talk to about things that interest and engages me. But right now, her eyes just gloss over as soon as I try to get the conversation on topics that she has no real interest in. I would just love to feel a real connection with someone on a deeper level. How do I even find out what I feel? Is it time to call it quits and move on? I just don't know if I want to waste my life with this trainwreck of a relationship. So many years are already invested, I feel like I should work on it more, but things just never seem to get any better.

If you are unsure if your feelings are about her or just a fear of being alone, maybe you should take a look around you. What do your friends and family say about the relationship? Do they like her? Like the two of you together? I'm not saying you should let other people dictate what you do, but if you feel you've lost perspective, maybe the outside view of others who know the two of you would help.

If you want to share more common interests, maybe you should propose trying things together. Is there anything you want to get involved in that could include her also?

I find it hard to involve friends and family. Im sure all seems fine on the surface. And I am not comfortable sharing our issues with any of them. Most of our friends are shared, and too close for comfort if that makes sense. Have tried common activities, but nothing sticks for more than an evening or two.

I find it hard to involve friends and family. Im sure all seems fine on the surface. And I am not comfortable sharing our issues with any of them. Most of our friends are shared, and too close for comfort if that makes sense. Have tried common activities, but nothing sticks for more than an evening or two.

I don't think you should involve friends and family. I'm just curious if they've ever weighed in on what they see happening in the relationship, since you seem to close to the situation to have good perspective.

Are you pushing to make new activities stick more? You may have to be the more aggressive person, instead of just letting things fade out. Right now it just sounds like you are equally as uninterested as she is.

Hi there,

Sounds like YOU have some issue's you should consider dealing with? Professional wise Re: Your insecurities.

For one,>> " I have thought about leaving several times. Not so much because of anything major, just the fact that I have never really been with anyone else, and I start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. But I have always been terrified of beeing alone, to the point of not beeing able to sleep alone"

"I suspect I might even be considered averagely handsome from some angles, but my terrible self esteem still calls me a conceited pretesious idiot when I imagine someone pretty having a good eye for me to this day. I literally have no idea what level I am at when it comes to looks. I But I think I swept her off her feet when we first met. In hindsight, I might have settled for for the first person who gave me any positive response, and actually found me attractive. "

"I have thought about leaving several times. Not so much because of anything major, just the fact that I have never really been with anyone else, and I start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side"

- GIGS isn't always that great.

Once you leave the relationship, you will naturally start re- thinking everything, get confused, miss her etc.

IF you decide to leave, do it for yourself. NOT to go searching with curiousities. BUT, also you need to realize you wil need some good down-time to work on accepting the end of this relationship, heal from everything etc, before you think on moving on again. Which takes months.

Otherwise, you're going to end up bringing unnecessary baggage into your next relationship, which causes problems again...

"The kernel of the matter I think is just how little I know about what I really feel. I could probaly have a happy marriage with an ogre if that ogre showed affection for me. I fear that some affection is all I need to feel what I have until now assumed to be love."

- Then, as mentioned, this is something you need to work on. Your inner self, your insecurities. Do this for a while, should you end things. Before considering looking around again.

I think, after this amount of time you know whether you're truly happy in this relationship, or not. Which is why you came here.

Is it time to face the truth now?

Things aren't the same for you anymore? You're confused & emotionally drained, etc?

Sounds like it's time to take your future into consideration.

Take time.. to think and take care of YOU.

gd luck