Can't stand my controlling sister in law.

The boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, for the sake of ease lets call the person below my sister in law.

She is a VERY difficult human being to be around, work with, and tolerate. She is the mother of two of the worst behaved children I have ever seen in my life. These kids scream, nag, whine, disrespect, run wild, and this woman not only allows her children's behavior, but blames their 'genetics' and strong willed attitudes rather than her misguided parenting. No one in the family can stand to be around these children for very long because they behave that badly. (They are 5 & 6). She is 9 months pregnant with her third child, a child who she deliberately got pregnant with despite her husband not wanting another one. (She has polycystic ovarian disease, so she claims she thought she couldn't get pregnant despite getting pregnant with both her last two children unassisted, and her husbands fault too, he chose to believe she couldn't either they lapsed on birth control). She believes she is a victim of life, is constantly trying to control everyone around her, and has her husband so whipped down that he doesn't stand up for any of the family members she bullies on a regular basis (Accusing his and my boyfriends very ill mother of faking pain to get attention). She regularly criticizes me and everyone else, and no one stands up to her on any of her behaviors; she is an extremely selfish human being; when she and her husband had their children they made a deal for monetary reasons; she would find her horse a new home and he would give up his extra car - to this day she is spending hundreds of dollars on that horse she never has anything to do with while her husband gave up his beloved car. She believes my boyfriends parents are bad grandparents because they are both sickly and cannot stand being around constantly screaming children for more than an hour or two - at one point taking my mother in law aside and criticizing her so bad it brought her to tears - no one called her out on this behavior. She has the entire family wrapped around her little finger - the grand parents always stay at their house when they visit because they do not have the money to get a hotel and my boyfriend and I have an apartment. Today before Thanksgiving dinner I happened to have eaten to much food and was not hungry at dinner time, but sat with the extended family - my SIL and her mother whom she is a younger version of, both criticized me for not eating and said I was offending the hostess by not eating ( to some degree I understand, but this was not a dinner party, it was a simply family gathering)

She is like the elephant in the room that is recognized but no one will talk about. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change this woman and I accept it, I know if my boyfriend and I ever get married she will expect that her kids will be the ring bearer and the flower girl - I certainly would never allow this based on her children's out of control behavior. She has already mentioned it is 'only right' that her son and daughter be involved.

I am not sure if anyone can offer me any insight, but if you've read this far, thank you for reading, it feels good to vent!

Almost all of your post was your judgment of behaviors that have little/nothing to do with you.

The only thing that really affects you is direct criticism from her toward you. You then have a choice: you can either let it roll off your back, or you can discuss it with her calmly. You can also discuss with your boyfriend why he feels it's okay for his sister to behave this way toward you. It's up to him to set boundaries and to tell her if he has an issue with how she speaks to you. You are also free to minimize the time you spend with her. If your boyfriend doesn't like you to decline family invites, you can certainly tell him why and have him address it.

The rest of it is just her problem, not yours.

This women sounds like a my exes mother.

I would do what bullet suggested, discuss it with her calmly and discuss it with your boyfriend as well. I didnt do either and I just let things slide and bottled everything up and then one day I just SNAPPED and called her out on everything and it turned into a nasty (almost fist fight) because I just tore her a new one. I felt horrible about it after a few days but, man it did feel good to release all of the things I ever wanted to say to her.. I wish I would of done it in a better way then what happened but, at the end of the day people like your SIL and my exes mother, dont change.

If you are not married, you do not have in-laws. She is simply your boyfriend's sister.

This post you made is just a rant. So what exactly is your question?

I know if my boyfriend and I ever get married she will expect that her kids will be the ring bearer and the flower girl

Ok, she can expect all she wants, but it is your wedding. You need to make sure that you and your man are on the same page on this when you both get to wedding planning. You do not have to have a ring bearer or a flower girl- I did just fine without them. In fact my pastor said that it is better for the best man (an adult) to be responsible and hold the rings because small children can lose them!

I wouldn't even worry about this yet since you are not engaged.

How often do you offer to help her with her children? Do you have children? How much experience do you have taking care of young children? As far as she wanting her children to be in the wedding party - get some perspective. First, you are not even engaged to your boyfriend- are you planning on getting engaged soon? And second many people get married very happily without a wedding party or with a small wedding party but no ring bearer. I didn't have a flower girl or a ring bearer and I loved my wedding ceremony so much.

I do think your boyfriend should not allow anyone in his family to act disrespectfully towards you. The rest is none of your concern or business.

If you are not married, you do not have in-laws. She is simply your boyfriend's sister.

 

This post you made is just a rant. So what exactly is your question?

 

 

Ok, she can expect all she wants, but it is your wedding. You need to make sure that you and your man are on the same page on this when you both get to wedding planning. You do not have to have a ring bearer or a flower girl- I did just fine without them. In fact my pastor said that it is better for the best man (an adult) to be responsible and hold the rings because small children can lose them!

 

I wouldn't even worry about this yet since you are not engaged.

The child ring bearer almost never has the rings. They have a pillow with two plastic fake rings usually. The best man usually always has them. Actually, if you get married in a few years, the boy will be too old to be the ring bearer anyhow. Its usually a 3-5 year old people pick. Even a 2 year old if one of his parents walk him up or pull him in a wagon.

Like what Snny said, you guys aren't engaged. Maybe you won't. Maybe you will run far away by then.

You can only worry about the things in your control - not the other things. If she's pregnant for the third time, she didn't make that decision by herself. Her husband had something to do with it too!

As for her criticizing you, you have a few ways to deal with that. If she says something, you can either just let it roll off your back and say, "Thank you for that information." Or you can call her on it like, "I didn't ask for your opinion." Some people deal with these things with sarcasm, like, if she said your sweater is ugly, you could say, "Thanks for the input, Tim Gunn!" Or whatever.

I guess it depends on how much you have to deal with her. If it's 4 times a year, i'm sure you can suck it up for a few hours. If it's all the time, then maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about this. By the way, how does your boyfriend deal with her? Just curious.

Regarding the flower girl - like the others said, don't worry until you get to that point. And it's your wedding and you don't have to bow down to anyone else's requirements.

Your boyfriend's sister is super prego and exhausted. And you shouldn't have eaten so much before you got to the family gathering. Depending on their ethnicity, it can be a total insult to not break bread with them.

To be honest, from your post, it's very very clear you have never been married, and do not have kids. Like me, one day, when you are married, and do have kids, you are going to smack yourself in the head, and go, how the hell was I so judgmental.

And the fact that she even implies that her kids should be the flower girl and ring bearer is telling you, "hey, you're like family to me!"

I think you are the one with the chip on your shoulder. She's just cranky. And trust me, no matter how much you believe you are going to the best parent with the most well-behaved children, and others are doing it all wrong, including her, I LAUGH! Children are gonna do what they want no matter what!

Come back to this when one day you find yourself negotiating with your own two year old while pregnant as a whale!

I think people are being a little hard on the OP. I have no idea if what she says is true but let's assume for a minuet that it's is. OP, there little you can control here except that which directly effects you.

The comments at thanksgiving for example, IMO were rude on their part. You don't call a guest out like that. If something like that happens again stay calm and reply with something like, "as I have already explained I accidenitly ate to much earlier. If I eat more I will likely throw up. I don't think you want that, right?" If they keep at it you can say, "well I certainly don't want to stay if I'm offending anyone , would you prefer I leave?"

As for the children's behavior, again you can only say anything when it effects you. If the intentionally break things, get physical hitting, bitting etcetera. Establish boundaries at your home and let everyone know what is off limits. If they break those boundaries they are not welcome in you home again for awhile.

Oh no, I believe her, I believe that when you're super prego with crazy kids, they drive you cray cray!

I also know a little compassion goes a long way.

Unless you have kids of your own, or married, there are so many nuances a person does not get. She will though. And I know by then, she will be NOYB with others, because what happens between a parent and her kids, and a husband and wife is their own business.

I get that you didn't liked being treated like a kid at holiday dinner, but you could have had dessert, or just thought a little bit about his family, and not ate so much. Or at least pretended to eat. If they're Italian, forgetaboutit!

And one day when the OP is 9 months pregnant, it's a blessing that is also pure hell!

Oh no, I believe her, I believe that when you're super prego with crazy kids, they drive you cray cray!

 

I also know a little compassion goes a long way.

 

Unless you have kids of your own, or married, there are so many nuances a person does not get. She will though. And I know by then, she will be NOYB with others, because what happens between a parent and her kids, and a husband and wife is their own business.

 

I get that you didn't liked being treated like a kid at holiday dinner, but you could have had dessert, or just thought a little bit about his family, and not ate so much. Or at least pretended to eat. If they're Italian, forgetaboutit!

 

And one day when the OP is 9 months pregnant, it's a blessing that is also pure hell!

I think people with empathy and who simply give a darn -and who do not have children -- find a way to relate. There are many stressful family or friend situations that require that kind of looking the other way, showing compassion, etc. I believe I did because I was in that situation -and when I knew I couldn't I just erred on the side of showing understanding despite not completely understanding. I know of parents with children who would react just like the OP and single people without who would react with compassion. I don't believe in giving people a pass just because they do not have kids of their own. So many parenting situations are individualized anyway.

OP - definitely establish boundaries with how you personally are treated and as far as the rest assume she is like someone with a temporary but debilitating illness plus way too much on her plate.

Tattoo Bunny, you are thinking I am judging this horrid woman because her kids are behaving badly and she is pregnant - no, I am judging her because of how she treats me and every member of our family; criticizing, controlling, talk about compassion - this woman has no compassion for anyone. And I understand my BF and I are not getting married, this rant was the principal of things. This woman is always acting as if she knows best, going off half cocked, and I do not care if it was an accident or not - she and her mother treating me like that and no one in my family calling her out on her ridiculous behavior, was flat out rude. It is not only this event - she judges and criticizes everyone all around her, not for some reason they all just abide to her every wish. I am not even joking, whatever she wants, she gets. My boyfriend bows to her will because if he doesn't, he is not allowed to see his brother (Yes, she forbids her husband to visit his own family, and he follows through).

My boyfriend used to fight her behavior, however he simply ignores it, yet still will go through with whatever wish she wants. This morning she called him to see if he could use his truck, and he declined due to some issue with the car - so she goes to his Dad and makes him ask, and when his Dad asks, he agrees. I told him this morning that I accept her behavior, because that is who she is and she will obviously not be changing, but for him to allow her to embarrass me in front of the table like that, is what is making me so angry.

I have been a nanny for the past seven years - believe me this has nothing to do with her being pregnant and her poor parenting skills - its that she gets away with treating EVERYONE badly, and no one dares stands up to her. I cannot fathom why no one likes her but yet, when she treats each of us the way she does, no one stands up to her, and STILL abide by every selfish desire she has.

The child ring bearer almost never has the rings. They have a pillow with two plastic fake rings usually. The best man usually always has them.

Huh...? I was told by two priests, one from my pre-cana, about children ring bearers losing the REAL wedding bands, so I assumed they do carry the real ones. It seems pointless to have them participate if they aren't even carrying the real rings and it's all just for show.

@Moontiger, yea the boyfriend's sister was out of line. Unfortunately she seems to be the kind of person who either feeds on people's negative reactions or expects people to get into a power struggle with. Based on the OPs description of her, she is extremely confrontational. I don't buy the whole "oh she's pregnant and is going through hormonal rage" bull crap- that doesn't give anyone permission or a "right" to act like an unpleasant B to other people. If she is pregnant with a third child then she should know what to expect and have better control of herself. The last thing the OP should do is to make any remarks or statements at the sister or she will be locked into a power struggle and look like the A-hole in front of her boyfriend's family. Once the OP opens her mouth at her, she is instantly in a lose-lose situation. And Since she is not apart of the family, she has no other choice but to ignore her unpleasantries.

The only person who can stand up to the sister is her boyfriend. He needs to dig his heels into the ground and not let people dictate him. She acts disrespectful, her boyfriend calls her out. If she continues, boyfriend and OP leave without showing an emotional reaction. Nobody should be putting up with her behavior. He has yet to prove that so far, and this will cause further problems for the OPs relationship with him.

She probably uses the kids as a pawns to, right? Do what she says or no one in the family gets to see them? Sadly,nothing will change until everyone in the family agrees it has to change and is will to put up with a massive tantrum she will throw. In an ideal world you all would sit down with her husband and say, "We love you, we love your children, we want a relationship with all of you. From now on we will not put up with being verbally abused, put down, or insulted by your wife." But this isn't an ideal world so you have to make it clear to your BF that YOU will not put up with being treated badly. And if he isn't man enough to stand up for you then just kick him to the curb.

I understand your perspective on this. To me she sounds like a basic bully who no one has stood up to in a long time which is why I recommended that the OP stand up for herself. If she is pleasent and poliet then its the other woman who will come off looking bad.

I think people are forgetting that he bad behavior is not a response to being prego. This woman has been acting this way for a long time and the OP feels at the end of her rope. I think her BF needs to have a long honest heart to heart with his brother.

OP -focus only on how she treats you -do not mention to your bf as "evidence" that it's not just you. How she treats others should be none of your concern. She is in your bf's family and he does not want to lose his brother or the kids. He should talk to his family of course but right now he probably will choose his family over you. You are not family and people often make that kind of distinction. Having said that if she does not treat you properly stop attending his family gatherings.

I think you are going to have to accept that this is the family dynamic and you are not going to change it. Your boyfriend ignores the sister, but if his dad negotiates, he may bend. Honestly, I think siblings should help eachother and if your boyfriend is loaning his truck to his sister, its a lot better than if he is bending to her in the way of treating you differently after he spends time with her (treating you unkindly because she wants him to or after she pumps him with bad attitude). And that would be a real problem. Either you want to be a part of this family dynamic, let the sister's comments just wash over and be glad when its over like your bf does for the most part, or decide that its too much to ever be an in-law to these people. You aren't going to "make her see" anything.

Huh...? I was told by two priests, one from my pre-cana, about children ring bearers losing the REAL wedding bands, so I assumed they do carry the real ones. It seems pointless to have them participate if they aren't even carrying the real rings and it's all just for show.

 

Flower girls aren't really necessary either, right? Its just tradition. I have only seen flower girls actually hold the bride's bouquet during the ceremony or scatter flower petals maybe once. All the other ones I have seen just carry a basket of flowers and look cute. I have never been to a wedding where the ring bearer actually has the rings - Catholic, Protestant or otherwise. I think in days past they really had the rings, but nowadays, I think smart parents usually put the cabosh on it. Maybe big huge formal weddings still do it - but I just have not really seen it in my generation or for younger aunts and uncles.