Getting this off my chest. Would love thoughts, advice, or encouragement.

Hi ENA. I'm new here, but I've been lurking a while and you all seem like very kind and thoughtful people. If you want to read my story and give me your words of wisdom, or even just share your stories and tell me I'm not alone. I would truly appreciate it. I wasn't sure if I should post this in the "getting back together" or "healing" subforum, but I decided on here because your positivity has kept me afloat these last few weeks.

It's been almost a month since my ex--let's call him Will--and I split up. We're both 21 seniors at the same small college, and we'd been together for a little over 2.5 years after meeting randomly at a party freshman year and hitting it off. We had a couple of issues at first--he was still hurting from his breakup with his high school ex a couple of months before we met, and I had some cultural hangups about sex that I had to work through. But as we fell in love and started to really trust each other, those issues smoothed out. Three months after we met, we were making jokes about dropping out of school and eloping.

Will was my first love, so I don't really have anything to compare to, but this relationship was as close to perfect as I can imagine. We had so much in common. We had great, frequent sex that only got better as the years passed. We live on opposite sides of the country, so it was a LDR during summers, but we visited each other often and met each other's families and friends. We fought *maybe* once every six months, and always over something stupid that was forgotten by the next morning.

We hadn't talked much about what we would do after graduation in May, but I assumed that we would work it out, either by getting jobs in the same city right away or doing distance for a few months. I really thought that he was it, he was my future. Sometimes I'd look at him and just be awestruck and think, I am so lucky, so freaking lucky, to have hit the jackpot this early in life. Every time my roommates complained about their significant others, or how relationships were so much work, I'd just murmur sympathetically, feeling a little smug because with Will everything was was easy as breathing.

In mid-October, we flew together to Will's hometown to attend his sister's engagement party. I helped his mom arrange flowers and she told me how excited she was to see me at the wedding next summer. A week later, when we were back at school, I noticed he was acting a little distant. It worried me, but I figured he was just stressed about school. Then he sat me down and told me that he wanted to see other people after graduation.

I was stunned. I had no idea that that was how he felt, even though he said he'd been thinking it over for a couple of weeks. But his reasons for wanting to separate after we graduated were legitimate. He's been in one long relationship after another since the age of 15, and wanted to be single for a while. Furthermore, he's bi (which I always knew), and he wanted to try dating a man; he never had. Hurt as I was, these are good reasons, and I accepted them. But there were still seven months till graduation. I told him that I didn't know if I could be happy in the meantime, with that expiration date hanging over our heads. I asked if maybe we should break up now.

He seemed genuinely shocked at the suggestion, and said that he hadn't seen the conversation going that way at all. He started crying. But after a while of talking he said he could see where I was coming from, and we said our goodbyes.

I just sat there, totally numb, for a couple of hours. And then it sank in that he wasn't coming back, that this would't just go away like one of our dumb fights, and panic set in. I called him and told him that I spoke rashly, that people dated all the time knowing that it wouldn't last forever, and that I could be happy with him for as long as he would have me. I begged, basically, and I'm not proud of it. But he said no. He said it was a hard choice, and that he still loved me, but he wouldn't be happy with the expiration date either. And it was over.

He came over to give me some stuff back a week after that, before I knew about NC, and I asked him one more time to reconsider. He said no again, and I got angry, and we parted on less good terms. No name-calling or anything, but I basically told him that if he didn't want me I was going to sleep with all the people I missed out on while with him, starting now. After that, I read about the benefits of NC and decided to do that as much as I could. Our campus is small enough, unfortunately, that I still run into him about twice a week. When that happens, we say hi. He texted me a few days ago asking how I was, and I replied saying "much better, hope you're well." Obviously this is not quite true. I feel like he wants to be friends, but I can't even see him from a distance without wanting to cry.

I know that I need to move on, whether I want him back or not. It's been four weeks, and I'm doing okay. I'm leaning on my friends, keeping busy with schoolwork. I signed up for online dating and have met up/hooked up with a few people. I'm even seeing a therapist next week. But I still miss him a lot. The only thing preventing me from being a total wreck is the idea that he might come back someday, after he sows his wild oats or whatever. We had almost no problems, there's no one else in his life AFAIK, and I believe that he does love me. And honestly, with finals and a million other things on my plate, I can't afford to be a wreck right now.

I feel like I would be more at peace if we lived in the same town, or even the same state. But after graduation, I'll probably stay on the east coast, while he will likely return to his home in the south. Reading the "getting back together does happen" thread, it seems like most reconciliations stem from someone randomly bumping into their ex, and that will never happen to us. There are seven months till graduation, and I'm afraid that if I do NC until then, we'll go our separate ways and I'll never see him again.

People keep telling me not to worry about it, that's what meant to be will be, distance or no distance. I wish I could believe that, but I'm too much of a skeptic. Bad timing has ruined great relationships before. If I'd met Will when we were 25-26 instead of 18-19, we'd probably be married now. Instead, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever.

I'm trying to move on while keeping hope alive, but I just can't see how there's hope with graduation + separation on the horizon, even though otherwise all the conditions seem to be right for reconciliation, months or years down the line. Is there anything I can do?

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this right now. It's awful, I know. Just keep doing what you're doing as far as focusing on your friends and school. It's completely normal to miss him and to have fantasies about reconciliation. It's natural and as time goes on it'll fade away and you'll be content with your life w/out him. I remember I fantasized about reconciling w/ my first love for months after we split. Now even if I ran into him randomly I wouldn't even consider it! You'll heal and accept this all with time. You really will. It's hard right now, I know but one day you won't have pain about it anymore. Stay NC. If there's any way to avoid seeing him around campus (such as walking a different way to class or changing a study spot) do it. Also, dating and hooking up this soon may only be making you feel worse. Seeing a therapist is also a great idea.

Hugs to you and you CAN do this and you will survive it and you have a completely whole, happy life ahead of you, even without him in your life anymore. Best wishes.