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We just broke up. I need a bit of love :)


Picara

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I had a bad breakup a couple of years ago and this forum helped me a lot, so I'm turning back to it - thanks in advance to everyone who reads this.

 

A couple of years ago I was dating someone who really was not good for me. After he broke up with me, I read a lot about attachment theory and came to the conclusion that we had fallen into a pattern of anxious (me) - avoidant (him) that was making me miserable (not sure if all of you will know what this means, but it's relevant, hence why I'm mentioning it). I honestly hadn't been in such a bad place for a long time, and in retrospect, the relationship really sucked - he was constantly late, cancelled on me or didn't show up, he rarely answered my calls or texts, he talked about future plans that were totally incompatible with being together, he never had time for me, etc. I didn't want to see it at the time. I tried to make it work, and after he broke it off I hoped we would get back together for ages. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, when we broke up he told me he needed to be single. He started seeing a girl a few weeks later (I didn't find out about this for a few months), and when we started talking again after a period of NC, he invited me to go camping with him, her and some other friends! I still said no, even though I didn't know they were together, but the fact that I still wanted someone who could have such little empathy says a lot about how little I loved myself.

 

A few months passed, I started feeling -a lot- better and I made the decision that I'd never turn into that miserable, anxious wreck ever again and that when I started dating again, the first signs of someone acting like that would make me run the other way - I was ruthless about that. In summer last year I met someone online. We started meeting up as we both freelanced and thought it'd be nice to be have some company while working. It developed from there and we started dating last September. Things were awesome for a year - he made plenty of time for me, took me out on dates, we met each others friends, I met his family, he came to Spain with me to visit mine this summer, we had never been happier, the whole shebang. We mentioned going on trips together, agreed that things were going well and we saw it lasting, discussed the idea of moving together at some point but not yet because it was too soon.

 

Around August, things got a bit weird. He was slightly less communicative, and seemed to be busier. I put it down to things settling a bit and didn't give it much importance. Then he started talking a bit harshly to me, for no real reason. We went to Paris to celebrate our anniversary and he seemed really pissy during the trip. I didn't get anything from him, not even a card. I told him I found that disappointing later on, and at some point he mentioned he was scared of the whole commitment thing, but at the same time the idea of losing me was even worse. A few weeks later, he told me he really wanted to focus on his career and felt a creative void, so he filled his life to the brim with things (his freelance work, his function band, a new band he's just joined, a new business he wants to start, some office work he wants to do) and I started finding it hard to see where I fit in (if at all). We talked about this a few times, and he insisted he cared but he really needed to do this right now and he saw relationships as a complement to his 'empire', as he called it.

 

Long story short, I realised I had gone from smooth sailing for almost a year, to being in that roller coaster again. I started feeling anxious and clenched and going on overdrive and I didn't like it. It was hard to comprehend, going from being so happy to this. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, we went away for the day, he bought me a practical gift I had wanted for ages that was quite expensive, and I guess I convinced myself that he wouldn't do this if he wasn't invested. Still, I talked to him and let him know I felt neglected and was finding this hard. His response was that focusing on his work is what he needed right now, that he still felt scared of the idea of commitment and the fact that I told him I loved him on my birthday terrified him. I was ready to break up then, but I didn't. I thought we had been that happy before, we could fix this. Then he called me a couple of weeks ago and told me he was being a di*k and he was going to sort it out because he wanted this to work out. He was attentive and caring for a week or so, then he seemed to withdraw and blamed it on work stress.

 

Fast forward to tonight - after 3 weeks of barely seeing each other due to his work commitments, he took me out for dinner. It was a little awkward, due to the fact that things had been wonky I thought. We came to mine and he basically told me that he realises he's making me miserable, he feels guilty and like an a**hole and doesn't want to do this to me or keep me waiting, because he needs to build his empire and fill this void. I don't know if it was the shock or I had somehow made peace with the possibility, but I took it fairly well - he even said I was being more understanding that I needed to. I just told him that I didn't share the feeling but if that's what he wanted I understand. He cried and said he was sorry and felt like an a**hole. Then he left, told me he'll give me some space and we'll talk soon.

 

I've already enlisted help from the troops - family, friends and anyone who wants to support me right now. I feel okay, but maybe I'm just numb and in shock. I realise that it doesn't matter if he actually wasn't that into me, or he was but is scared of committing to anyone, if he's freaked out and is using work to distance himself... whatever the case, this wasn't working for me, I'm better off without this relationship and now I can focus on getting over it and one day being open to being with someone who wants to be with me and can give me what I need, instead of on trying to hold it all together. I'm not plotting how to get back with him, and I feel good about that because I guess it means I love myself more than I used to. I'm just really scared of when it hits me. When, in a few days, I realise this is for real. When people ask me about him and I need to tell them it's over. I'm scared of reverting to feeling inadequate. I'm scared of wanting him back. I'm scared of him coming back and feeling like I might want to jump straight into it. I know I'll get through it, but I'm dreading the next few weeks.

 

Can someone please tell me that this relationship ending is a good thing? Can someone share anything they've done after a break up that made them feel better? I just really need all the support I can get right now, and you guys have always been awesome at being supportive and honest (even when it hurts to hear it).

 

Thank you so much for reading.

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Seems to me he was using work/freelance as an excuse. Same exact thing happened to me with my ex-girlfriend. I had been very attentive toward her and despite my best efforts, she was using work as an excuse to further distance herself from seeing me. I, myself do a lot of freelance on the side and always managed to find time for her. We dated for 4 years and initially, she used to bring up the topic of marriage frequently and towards the end, when i was ready to propose, she told me she no longer had feelings for me. Though she still wanted me to stay and see maybe things would change, I ultimately decided to end it. It was very tough for me, but now it's been about 1 month and I'm feeling better about it. You can read about what I went through here:

 

 

 

It's quite normal to go into a state of panic and anxiousness initially, especially when you wake up in the morning and realize that the person is no longer there. Rather than letting the end of a relationship dictate your feelings of fear, you should be more afraid of what would happen if you were to stay in a relationship like that. Do you honestly want to be low on someone's priority list?

 

In the long run, you've made the right choice and you deserve to be with someone that will give you their undivided attention. Always remind yourself that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.

 

As you can see, talking about it on these forums have greatly helped, as well as talking to family and loved ones.

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Thank you Alen. It is a sad feeling to realise that you can be happy with someone and they can give up so easily because unfortunately, you don't make it into the top 3 at the moment. I can't imagine what that must have been like after 4 years... Glad you're feeling better though.

 

And yes, we'll get through this. We have to!

 

Thanks again

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