To stay or not : /

I am in a funk and I don't know what to do. I'm torn. My heart is broken because I love this man but I am not happy and I don't know if he is or if he would even care if I was gone from his life. We met 11 months ago, had a deep emotional connection then started dating this summer. It's been mostly great except that I can't figure out where his head is at most of the time. He's all over me one day and distant the next. I put all my thoughts and feelings out there for him though I haven't told him that I love him. But I do. I don't know if he is in love with me or not but actions speak louder than words, right? So I am going to go with no.

He is a high powered attorney (read: confident/cocky, egomaniac, selfish - no offense. Not saying all are but this one is). I am a sensitive, somewhat timid, very independent single mom. My weekends with my daughter are devoted to her only so my bf and I see each other every other weekend and sometimes during the week if she is with her dad. She lives with me the majority of the time and she is young so I am very cautious and don't introduce her to men I date. This does not bother my bf. He is very set in his ways and is happy as can be spending time with his favorite person: himself.

He has had more experience than I have in relationships. He's several years older and has had many LTR (including marriages) that ended badly. I believe he is still feeling the effects of the last LTR and he has taken some things out on me recently that have me concerned. Red flags if you will. I know in at least 3 of his previous relationships where his girlfriend's told him they loved him and he never reciprocated they eventually got tired of it and left him. It was only then he professed his love. It was too late.

Here's where I am torn. Many of his actions have shown me that he cares for me. He has some issues that worry me as I mentioned. He almost walked out on me a month ago because I got upset with him when he said some rude things to me. He was MAD that I stood up to him when he was saying rude things to me. It was our first real argument and I cried and then he made fun of me for crying. He is very used to getting his way and I don't think he is told "no" often, if ever. He made me feel like a child being disciplined.

I feel like I walk on eggshells in this relationship. I am afraid to make him mad but if I am upset about something I am not holding it in. Last weekend was odd though. I made him mad somehow (we weren't together physically) and instead of talking to me he disappeared and ignored my calls and texts. He finally spoke up this evening via text and said he is still mad but he won't take the time to tell me why and he made me feel stupid for not knowing what I did. I honestly don't know what I have done and I have been wracking my brain trying to figure it out. So now I am shut out and who knows for how long. The fact that he thinks I am not worth an explanation says a lot yet here I am still waiting. I hate myself for being like this where he is concerned. My friends are even surprised that I would put up with his behavior because this is not something I would usually put up with.

He has shut me out before when we were just friends - for an entire month. I didn't know what I did and I didn't contact him to find out. He showed back up a full month later and apologized and said that it was nothing I did to him but something I did that reminded him of some horrific incident in his last relationship. I wish he never came back. I wish he would've stayed out of my life at that point. And I wish I was smart enough to shun him then.

I think I am avoiding breaking up with him because I am not prepared to go through the horrible pain of a break up. The no contact, the moving on... I don't think I am strong enough to handle it right now. I also don't want to lose him. I love him. But why?? I am not happy with myself for ignoring the early signs but here I am and I am feeling like total crap.

I am just so lost and so torn. I have never felt like this. Previously when I have broken up with someone I knew 100% it was the right thing to do (cheaters). With this one I am feeling guilty even thinking about it. I think it would shock him because I have put up with his behavior up to this point and he has to know how I feel for him based on the things I do for him. Why am I focusing on how he will feel when clearly I am not happy?!

What do I do? Try to have a heart to heart? I am afraid of saying too much in case he rejects me. How sad is that? I should feel secure enough to say how I feel but he intimidates me. I would die if I told him I loved him and he said, "Thank you". I could TOTALLY see him saying that!! I not going to tell him because frankly, I don't think he deserves to know at this point.

I really don't think my heart can take breaking up with him. I would feel horrible. I know if I break up with him he will HATE me. He will be so cruel to me and I don't know that I can handle that.

I don't even know what I am looking for here. A hug and swift smack upside the head maybe?

What is wrong with this man??

What is wrong with me that I am putting up with this man??

I think I am avoiding breaking up with him because I am not prepared to go through the horrible pain of a break up. The no contact, the moving on... I don't think I am strong enough to handle it right now. I also don't want to lose him. I love him. But why?? I am not happy with myself for ignoring the early signs but here I am and I am feeling like total crap.

From what you have said, he appears to be an incredibly controlling person. My ex was very similar in that he would "sulk"... letting me know he was mad at me for no reason whatsoever by ignoring me. It was a very clever tactic to make me fight for his attention, and ultimately, knock my confidence and make me apologise to him for something that wasn't my fault.

I left because I feared for my sanity. I look back now and think, "Did I ever really love him? Or did he have some sort of hypnotic hold on me." Either way, I was happier single and away from him.

Red flag one - walking on egg shells

Red flag two - the silent treatment

red flag three - don't feel comfortable discussing your problems with the relationship!!! If you don't feel secure enough now in his love to tell him your troubles, you never will. Why would you want to make a man like that your life partner? Just so you can be squeezing your self up to fit his ideal woman. What about you? What about your wants and needs? What about reciprocity?!

*hugs* I'm sorry the man you love is not better partner material *gentle smack* dump this mother er. Dump Anyone who gives you radio silence. My ex did that sometimes, he was on the autistic spectrum and had trouble communicating so at least I don't think he was doing it maliciously but that did not make it any less stressful for Me!!! So far whenever I have had worries about current relationship, current lover has been responsive, thoughtful and honest whenever I speak of them.

All your reasons for not breaking up with him are bad, unhealthy ones! Be strong and look after your precious self by getting away from him. That's the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. He won't change. You should not want this for yourself. If you do, try to resist it because it's a compulsion. There's nothing good about this situation.

Having been there done that and back again, I totally understand what you're going through. I know that you love him, but you already have the advantage b/c you haven't been together that long. Try to slowly disengage - that way you can mentally prepare yourself for the ultimate split, while "wheening" yourself off of him, since it sounds like you're already devoted to him.

You can try to talk to him and explain how you feel, but it sounds like you're going to lose either way. It sounds like he'll either make fun of you for sharing or he'll stonewall/isolate you for being daring enough for standing up to him and showing how you feel. I think that either way, you should tell him b/c when the day comes that your strong enough and sick of him, you'll think you can only have closure by contacting him and telling him everything - from experience that never truly works and just puts you on the merry-go-round again.

My bf would do the same to me - isolate me when I stuck up for myself, be dismissive when I told him my feelings and be totally melodramatic when it came to his feelings. After 4 years together, I couldn't take it anymore and left. He contacted me a year later after getting some help and we got back together -we've been together for 2 years, but now some things are beginning to rear it's ugly head. Im not sure were we're headed, but the ride seems like it's moving slowly again, and if it is, Im getting off.

Try your best to start getting over him now. Focus your attention on your daughter, etc. IDK how old you guys are, but if he's in his 40's + already, he may be too set in his ways to change. No one deserves to feel like that, esp when you're so in love w/ him. But no matter what everyone says on here, it's a matter of what you're willing to deal w/. If you think you can make it work while keeping your sanity, then give it a shot, but don't torture yourself. Know that no matter what he says or does, you are entitled to express how you feel and your feelings are not wrong! Always trust your gut. Good luck!

From what you have said, he appears to be an incredibly controlling person. My ex was very similar in that he would "sulk"... letting me know he was mad at me for no reason whatsoever by ignoring me. It was a very clever tactic to make me fight for his attention, and ultimately, knock my confidence and make me apologise to him for something that wasn't my fault.

 

I left because I feared for my sanity. I look back now and think, "Did I ever really love him? Or did he have some sort of hypnotic hold on me." Either way, I was happier single and away from him.

I am envious of you for leaving him! Sounds exactly like him with his sulking bull crap.

I know I need to leave him but it's so hard to pull the trigger. I don't even want to see him anymore. I want to tell him on the phone and be done with it. This morning he texts me like nothing happened. I still don't know what I did. He said we will talk tonight. Everything is on his terms and I am sick of it.

Thank you! I know you are right. Reading my post made me cringe. He's even said to me before that I am normal and he is f'd up. I hadn't experienced his f'd up-ness at that point so just thought it was an expression but it's obviously the truth!

My needs are definitely not being met and I have poured all unto him and for what? Nothing. I think he is used to women giving all and him giving the bare minimum. He doesn't realize he loves them until they've had enough then he suffers through them leaving him. God he is so selfish!!

Thank you for this and sorry your relationship is seemingly falling back into the same pattern as before.

I am starting to resent him more and more. I'm avoiding seeing him because I know it will only make it harder on me. I think I am trying to ween myself now by not seeing him. If he calls tonight I will tell him how I feel and I will accept whatever backlash he gives me. If he does not call me then I will be pissed and most likely call him and dump him over the phone. I can't take it anymore. I'm a communicator and I have to get my feelings out. I can't keep them in any longer. He knows how the silent treatment affects me yet he doesn't care. It's my fault for allowing it though. I need to put a stop to it immediately. If he doesn't want to try by doing what I need then that says it all (as does every other one of his actions).

My gut is telling me to run like he** as is my head. I just wish my heart would follow.

Be strong. You are worth much more than he is giving you. Please see that he is not treating you with love or respect. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away. If not for your sake, do it for your child,

She deserves to witness love and kindness and a mature healthy relationship. You do not have a healthy future with this man, so break it off now. He will not change and you do kit want this kind of person around your child.

When you put it those terms, do it for your daughter. Walk away and never look back.

She deserves better and so do you!

Be strong!!!

Be strong. You are worth much more than he is giving you. Please see that he is not treating you with love or respect. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away. If not for your sake, do it for your child,

 

She deserves to witness love and kindness and a mature healthy relationship. You do not have a healthy future with this man, so break it off now. He will not change and you do kit want this kind of person around your child.

 

When you put it those terms, do it for your daughter. Walk away and never look back.

 

She deserves better and so do you!

 

Be strong!!!

Thank you!!! I'm trying to prepare myself to do just that!!

To be fair, I wasn't brave. I didn't sit down and think, "This guy is a disgusting human being, I need to leave!" It was something that happened, whereby he caused an massive argument on my birthday and it was witnessed by my mother who stuck up for me. Up until then, my mother thought he was the best thing since sliced bread as he was always very charming to her and made a great first impression. In truth she was as manipulated as I was.

He turned around and said, "Its all her fault. She's done this." and my mother said, "I know my daughter better than anyone. I brought her up. Don't insult me by saying she's at fault here when I have seen for myself how disgraceful you've behaved this evening." As he started to argue back at her something inside me just exploded. How DARE he shout at my mother. That was it. Sometimes it takes a control freak to hurt someone you love more than you love yourself for the light bulb moment to finally occur.

If this man ever did anything like this to your daughter, I'm sure you'd be out of there like a shot!

He promised we would talk 2 nights ago then that night wasn't feeling well and said we would talk the next day. He blew me off again. He did send me a message blaming it on stress at the office and apologized for not making me a priority. I replied with a short polite response and today I haven't heard from him at all.

I feel worthless. This is the worst it has been since we started dating. I was happy yesterday because he was keeping in touch, asking if I was ok and today I'm cut off again. I can't initiate contact anymore. I don't think there's anything else I can do. Maybe he expected me to fall all over him with affection in my response to his message but I can't. The longer he shuts me out the worse it gets. I know what I need to do but I am not breaking up through a text!

Why do I continue to let this jerk hurt me?

You feel worthless because you are giving this man all of your personal power. There's really nothing to talk about with him - your post is so conflicted because part of you still wants him to value you/fight for you, but you're not putting yourself first.

Take a cue from him, you know? You said he prefers to spend time with the person he loves most: himself. Maybe you should make YOURSELF the person you love most right now. Spend some time with you. Stop giving your power to men who take you for granted and cheat on you. Is a break up really all that bad, when the relationship is crushing your self worth? So what if he didn't do the ultimate deal breaker (so they say) of cheating --- that is like saying "well he shouldn't be arrested, because at least he didn't kill anybody - he just robbed a ton of banks and physically assaulted some people. He should be free to go be dangerous though!"

You are fully basing your happiness off of him keeping in touch. That is the fatal problem here. Which worries me because it means you could cave when he comes back and apologizes to you again and again. He'll come back, sure. And then as soon as you give in to him - believe me - he will disappear on you again.

You either set yourself up for a life of feeling exactly the way you feel today again and again, or you escape now to go find a man who doesn't fit the description of the kinds of men you have been wasting your life on. No more cheaters, manipulators, or men who take you for granted. You move on now. Do it. Or, be prepared to feel miserable and watch your life be filled with depression going forward. I know which one I would choose.

I had to make a tough decision to leave a guy who was treating me like crap, and believe me, it did not go down without a fight and lots of tears from me. But the more I step away from it and all of the tangled lies he fed me and the confusion he put on my life, the stronger I feel in every area of my life. Moving on from someone who treats you this badly should not be depressing - it should be freeing. Free yourself.

Thank you so much for this!! I know you are right and I am so surprised that I am putting up with this. My friends are too. My best friend especially because this is not something I typically put up with. I don't know what it is about this man that makes me so weak and pitiful! I finally asked him through text tonight what I did to make him mad and he said we will talk tomorrow evening (this will be 3rd time he has said that and not followed through so we will see). He also said that he was not mad at me. What? Could have fooled me since he shut me out for an entire day then berated me when I asked why he shut me out because I "should know".

He makes no sense!

Jekyll & Hyde.

I'm emailing your message to myself and reading it again and again. Why I am putting my happiness in this man's hands is the most ridiculous thing ever and it's exactly what I am doing!! I've lost my mind!

I want to break up with him but not over the phone but I think I may have to. And I don't even know what to say!!!!

Thanks again!