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How do dumpers just walk away?


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My ex left me about 5 months ago after a 11.5 year relationship. Long story short he decided he did not want marriage and kids and left as he knew I wanted those things. News to me as we were about to buy a house and he always told me he did want those things. He told me he wanted us to buy a house first as it was important to him to give me stability before we got married. What a total load of crap that was.

 

What I am struggling with is how an ex just walks out and does not contact you? I understand that they distance themselves before they go, it has been a long time coming behind the scenes. But still we were together every day for 11 years, we lived together, slept next to each other, shared our hopes and dreams. I was good to him, probably too good to him really and he just decided it was not for him. But doesn't he wonder how I am? He did contact me twice and I did not respond but the last time was a few months ago and if he really wanted to talk to me he would call me, not email me.

 

It just hurts me so much that he just really did not even care at all. I don't understand what we had, if he can just walk away and never look back. As the dumpee it is easy to know why you do not contact them. He broke my heart, he lied to me, led me on and I still love him and need the distance to stay strong. It just hurts that I did not do anything to hurt him or anything that would cause him to be so cold to me and in the end he was so very cold and distant and like a completely different person.

 

Are there any dumpers out there who can explain it? I assume he must have loved me at some point otherwise why was he with me for all that time? I just feel so worthless, like I am so easy to walk away from. A relationship that was everything to me and was there for my entire adult life is just gone in the blink of an eye. It is such a huge trauma to go through to be about to buy a house and told you are going to get married to just nothing and never seeing that person again that you loved so dearly. I really just do not understand what happened sometimes and it feels like I must have dreamed up the whole relationship.

 

How can someone do this to another person and just walk away and get on with their life. It is so unthinkable to me and I feel like I never knew this person who I thought I knew so well. I gave everything I had to this person, I really did. I was open, honest, caring, there for him all the time, loved him with all my heart and this is what I get. Life is so very cruel and unfair sometimes.

 

I wonder what life is trying to teach me from this. To not trust people's words, that love does not last, that I am unlovable and all men will eventually leave me. If I had to guess, this is meant to teach me how strong I am. That I am capable of being alone, that I am tougher than I ever thought. I struggle with the idea of ever being vulnerable again, with ever opening my heart and trusting someone again. I hope one day I move past it.

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First of all I'm SO sorry to read this!! It broke my heart!! Whilst I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be for you after so long, I can only try to sympathise. My break up came little under a year together and I'm crushed, so I just can't imagine how you feel. That said the above I feel myself. I'm currently in the process of divvying up belongings and it feels so completely alien when we were once so unbelievably close and I didn't have to question anything about us. It really is one of the worst pains, especially when it was never expected, seen or even now accepted. Just going through the motions of someone elses choice which rips everything apart. I hope it gets easier for you. I really really feel your pain!!

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Short story:

 

1. He had probably emotionally left a long time ago. He probably loved you once but may not have done for a long time. He may well want marriage and kids but not with you

 

2. I HOPE I'm wrong but there's probably someone else. It is possible that nothing happened before your split but it's also possible that something did

 

3. He had been planning this exit for some time. It wasn't some token disagreement or "light bulb" moment in his head

 

As for your last paragraph, yes life feels like that at times but the hard fact is that you did nothing to cause this situation and had no control over it whatsoever. Forget about fate or karma, he simply stopped loving you for reasons that maybe even he doesn't fully understand.

 

You are NOT less of a person because he left you (even though I KNOW it feels like it at the time). Not all men (or women) are the same and, whilst there's no guarantees, it is possible for you to find love again.

 

Sorry if this comes accross as harsh but I've been in a similar place to yours and know what it feels like.

 

Take care and good luck.

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Ugh, i really feel for you. What a long time to have been with someone. All those years.

I understand how you feel. It's s complete shock. Nothing makes sense.

 

I echo what was said above. Don't be surprised if there was someone else in the wings. Usually people don't just suddenly leave with no real explanation unless their is something or someone to cushion their fall. My ex of 6 years left me out of the blue because he wanted to move to London to pursue his career, and needed to be single, and also didn't want what i wanted (to settle down).

4 months later he was engaged to a woman he worked with (and married less than a year later) and never did move to London or do anything he said he would. He's now settled with her as far as i know.

 

He sounds flakey, and probably checked out a long time ago. It's most likely been on his mind for some time. He already got over it before he left most likley.

 

It's gonna be painful for a while, but worth it in the end. You'll find someone eventually who will love you and show it. I'm sorry, it had to take 11 years for this to happen. I felt i had wasted so much time on someone who wasn't meant to be either.

 

Try not to keep obsessing about why he hasn't contacted you either. He probably feels guilty and most men hide from their feelings at the best of times. Bury head in the sand syndrome.

Just concentrate on living your life now, and treat yourself as much as you can. You deserve it.

 

Limiya

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Man with Dog is spot-on................

 

I'm so sorry you will be going thru this very difficult time, this is the place to vent, read, get some answers...though they are very hard to find sometimes.

 

I've endured being dumped twice now....first time when I joined here in 2007 after my wife of nearly 24 years walked away..

Then again in Jan 2013 when a girl I loved for 5 years used the "fade-away method" to just drift out of my life leaving no answers or explanations.

 

Lean hard on family and friends, avoid contact and take care of yourself.......

 

Both times I was dumped, I somehow felt that I didn't deserve anything anymore...didn't deserve to smile...to eat....to sleep....

and this is wrong...as the one dumped we have to try extra hard to not neglect ourselves, our sanity, our health....

 

Peace be with you on this long and hard journey.

 

Surf

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i struggled with this too. After a 14 year relationship I worried about my ex and wanted to make sure she was ok. She never checked on me once. I couldn't come to terms with it either so its a normal feeling. I was there when she needed me after the relationship but I was made to feel like I was imposing when I needed her. Even if we were not together surely we should still be looking out for each other. Not the case.

 

It's probably best this way believe it or not because you need to distance yourself from the whole ordeal. Leaves no space for hope of getting back together and hopefully you will start to recover faster.

I dont agree that there is usually someone else, no one knows there might be but either way would you want him back even if there was.

Let him go

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I recently broke up with my girlfriend two weeks ago, granted we only dated for 4 years but it still hurts really bad. Strangely, I was the dumper in my scenario even though it was my girlfriend who had been distancing herself from me over the past 8 months. I asked about her lack of affection and emotional withdrawal a couple times. First time, she it assured me it was due to work, the last time she told me she didn't love me anymore and was not happy with the relationship. She then went on to say that I was just a friend...This devastates me till this day. She didn't want to come right out and break up, but she didn't even want to put in any effort either. She essentially gave me the loaded gun and begged me to pull the trigger.

 

I can totally relate as it felt like she was a complete stranger toward the end. I loved and cared for her unconditionally though out the entirety of our relationship. (She was diagnosed as bipolar 2 depression) I was her emotional rock and support. She used to say things like "I had given up on dating and men in general until I met you." She called me her soulmate, better half, talked about marriage, where we would live, possibly having kids, used to gaze into my eyes and comment on how my eye color changed daily depending on my mood.

 

As she became more and more distant, I planned special dates for her like going to concerts, museums, sporting events, plays, etc...I sent flowers to her work, basically anything I could think of that would snap her out of the funk she was in. During our last conversation, she said how much she hated herself for not loving and caring for me the same way I did for her. I too am questioning how someone can change so much over the course of a few months, how they can love me and feel deeply connected and then feel nothing (maybe even a bit of contempt) toward me. The only conclusion I can come up with is that she never loved me and everything she used to say to me was bs fluff... True love does not wane like that. It grows stronger the more time you spend with that person. I truly loved her and still do, but that doesn't change the way she treated me toward the end of our relationship.

 

All I know is that you're not alone, actions speak louder than words, and I honestly don't know if I can ever fully give my heart to another woman again...

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Thanks DaisyHope, sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. What you said is so true that you have to go through the motions for someone else's choice that rips your life apart. And also true that I thought we were on the same page and had no need to worry. Thanks for your post it helps to know that others understand. Hugs to you!

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This is one of the things that has really caused me the most pain in my break up. I was the one who was dumped, so the situation is a little different between me and her (though I could have cited the same wishy-washy reasons to end things that she did, for sure), but at times- especially at the beginning- I had to really struggle with myself to not call, to not beg, to not whatever. I cried, I fell into a depression, I started hurting myself. It's been two months now, and I never once got a single call- the limited contact we've had, a pair of phone conversations, it was all initiated by me. It really hurt me, and boggled my mind. Earlier in the day, we were enjoying ourselves and were working out the logistics of a vacation. After a fight over something really minor and stupid (but maybe not the underlying issue), we're broken up the next day and it's as if I'm a stranger. On one hand, good for her, I guess, because that means that she has more willpower than I do (not contacting me), so I hope that means she is able to heal and move on and whatever else, but yeah, it's a sucky feeling.

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Thanks Man with Dog, it does not come accross as harsh. You are most probably right that there was someone else. It makes sense him not contacting me in that case as he has someone else to ease the pain.

 

In the email he sent me at the 7 week mark he said he was looking through photos of us and realised what a lovely man he is and his mate saw me and told him that and "he instantly had memories of all our wonderful times together". That made me think he was still single but I know now he is not great at telling the truth and was probably just having a lonely day.

 

It's weird because he said all the right things. I have so many cards and letters with all this sweet stuff and how he is looking forward to many more years together and that was only months before. I don't understand how people just lie and don't really mean what they say. He knew how much I loved him and I deserved so much better than his lies and just bailing out after all that time. In the letter he wrote me when he left he said he loved me and was so sorry he was doing this and he was not coping as he was losing not only his "everything but also his best friend". Just words I guess.

 

And I need to remember that it's not my fault, like you said not karma or fate just him falling out of love. Thanks so much!

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From the other side of the fence, as a recent, 'dumper', I can categorically confirm that your partner, as many others have said, sadly emotionally checked out some time ago.

 

I split with my partner of almost 7 years, and the last two years of that just weren't the same for me anymore. Glaring incompatibilities in so many areas surfaced and the relationship just broke down - at least at my end of things. Socially, mentally, emotionally we were opposite ends of the spectrum and truth be told, once all traces of infatuation wore away it was game over.

 

In the final year, we separated. I met someone who I had an instant connection with, but for many reasons, I agreed to see if my partner and I had a fighting chance of taking things back to the beginning. For a further four or five months, we, 'dated' to see if we could reignite the spark. It wasn't to be and surprise, surprise - I am now with the other person.

 

I think of him every day. I want to speak to him - after so many years, I'd hate for us to go back to being strangers. I haven't just callously moved on and forgotten him - being with someone new isn't easing the pain because there's none left. The pain was endured whilst we were still together because I mourned the relationship for so long before ending it. So why haven't I contacted him? Because I have to let him heal. I don't want to interrupt that time. Contacting him prematurely will only remind him of everything that's happened and cause him pain. This is more than likely the reason your ex hasn't made a serious contact attempt, but trust me that you have a place in his heart and always will. Relationships that are that long, that meaningful aren't forgotten and he certainly hasn't forgotten you.

 

If you're ready to get back on speaking terms, perhaps contact him first - I guarantee he will respond, especially as he has made small attempts to speak to you. I honestly think the likelihood is that he assumes you're not ready to talk. 5 months is not a long time after such a long relationship and we obviously all heal at different rates.

 

I wish you all the best and I hope that you remember that this is no reflection of your worth, or even how much he valued you as a person.

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Not to derail, but

 

In the final year, we separated. I met someone who I had an instant connection with, but for many reasons, I agreed to see if my partner and I had a fighting chance of taking things back to the beginning. For a further four or five months, we, 'dated' to see if we could reignite the spark. It wasn't to be and surprise, surprise - I am now with the other person.

 

Your partner never had a chance once you felt that "instant connection" with the other person. All that "dating" was done to drive the final nail thru your relationship's coffin. Didn't mean to be dramatic, just simple psychology/human behavior here. I wish you and your new partner well (no sarcasm).

I suggest everyone get this book and read it - "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships"

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Just a general point: I don't think "true love" is something that is necessarily enduring. It is possible to be in love with someone for a time but that love to fade gradually. Sometimes it fades a bit, then brightens for a while. Life, circumstances and people change. My wife have drifted apart a bit, then back together, then a bit more distance again and so on ...

 

It is unusual for a love to suddenly stop but it usually happens when someone commits a dealbreaker, like infidelity. Sometimes it is possible to wake up and realise that love has flown while life was getting in the way but usually, it fades over a period without brightening again, then one has to decide whether to stay or go.

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Thanks Limiya, I am sorry you have also gone through this pain. And that is probably true that he feels guilty and is hiding his feelings.

 

And surfjon, thank you also. So very true that we need to not neglect ourselves and feel we do not deserve happiness. I will definitely keep that in mind. How awful that your wife of 24 years left and then it happened again to you as well. Personally I know I could never just walk away with no explanation but that is me.

 

Draven8, it is very hard. I do know that the two times my ex contacted me in the first two months he would have expected a response from me. He would not know this side of me that is strong and able to not contact him. He probably assumes that I hate him.

 

Alen655321, your story broke my heart. It is so sad that she did not appreciate all the things you did for her. I would love to have someone as caring as that in my life. My ex also did the same thing in terms of making me end the relationship in a way. He told me he needed time to think and we spent the next two months living together while he decided what he wanted to do. One day I just said I could not take not knowing what was going on anymore and surely it had to be over and then he just ran with that. It is such a cowards way of ending a relationship. It shows how truly gutless they are and I do not need someone like that in my life.

 

Ms Darcy, I had about four sessions with a psychologist a few months ago through work but he was next to useless. I do think I need to see someone who can help me move through this in a positive way.

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Thanks happyhippo. But to me the way your relationship ended makes sense. You were having problems for awhile and you tried to work through them and eventually you left. You were unhappy for a couple of years.

 

That is what I find strange. My ex was the one who wanted us to start saving for a house together, so we did for 18 months. Only two months before it ended he told his mate that was thinking about getting engaged to make sure that he did not do it before him. I have cards from months before it ended that say how much he loves me and can't wait to spend many more years together. That is why it is so confusing. I feel like after a relationship of 11 years surely you would stay and work things through. Maybe there was someone else and in the end and it is all words I know. Actions do speak louder than words I will remember that.

 

And ManwithDog what you are saying about true love is right. I also think in many ways my ex is commitment phobic. He has always been cautious of marriage. I think the fact that we were months away from buying a house freaked him out and he knew the next step after that would be marriage and kids and he just was not ready. I do not know why he could not just talk to me about that. I asked him in end if I told him I did not want marriage and kids would he stay and he said he would have if he truly believed I did not want those things. So it is all pretty weird. And he said to me that he never intentionally lead me on. I think he wanted to want those things but in the end either his fear was greater than his love for me or I just was not enough to make him stay. I guess I will never know.

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There is an excellent book called 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan that is research on how breakups occur that you should read if you want to understand this. What happens is that one person in the couple starts to feel discontentment (for any number of reasons) and they decide that rather than trying to work on that or save the relationship, they instead start to mentally separate from you while they are still with you. They start 'experimenting' with a new identity that doesn't include you. It could be as simple as envisioning whether they think they'd be happier without you than with you, to getting out and meeting new people, building a support system outside the relationship, taking up new hobbies or plans or careers that don't include you, basically working on making a soft landing for themshelves when they do feel they are finally ready to leave. So they leave you mentally a long time before they actually physically leave, and by the time they leave, they are more than ready to go and see leaving as a positive thing for themselves.

 

Meanwhile they do not clue you in to this internal process they are following to separate from you. So his 'coldness' is about him having spent a long time in the relationship before he left mentally separating from you and picturing himself as being without you, and when he finally pulls the trigger on the relationship, he's not longer 'coupled' or bonded with you. so there is a process of falling out of love that follows a reverse arc from falling in love, and when he leaves, he no longer feels that intense bond that you are feeling because you are still in love.

 

When I left my ex-husband, I had been expressing discontentment with his behavior for years before i left, but he absolutely did not take my unhappiness seriously or do anything to try to address the issues that were making me unhappy. So eventually rather than trying to work on it, i made the decision that we had to break up because he was unwilling to change, and so mentally i started to withdraw from him and make plans that would allow us to separate without financial devastation to both of us. But i didn't tell him at that point because I knew it would just be a lot of drama and it was better to make a quick break so we could both get on with it and heal when the time came. And when I finally told him, he expressed similar feelings to yours such as 'how could i be so cold' to him, yet I'd spent YEARS trying to work with him and him not wanting to work on anything, and by that point i was burned out and knew that it did no good to have emotional scenes and begging etc. when i knew my mind was made up to leave.

 

And i decided it would be kinder to just have a clean break because it wouldn't feed his false hopes that we'd get back together. And frankly the idea of being 'bestest friends' after a break up just doesn't work unless both people at that point absolutely do not care about each other romantically and don't want the marriage anymore. So all roads lead to the fact that what you perceive as 'coldness' is really detachment, and a detachment that must happen because those bonds must break if you are going to move on and find someone else. And your ex's coldness may be nothing more than him treating you like any other acquaintance now rather than his special partner. I was not in the least bit rude to my ex and actually had a lot of empathy for him, but i knew that what he needed was a counselor if he was distressed and NOT me, since I was the source of his pain then and he needed to let go and move on because I had no intention of staying married to him.

 

You can't expect to go to the source of your pain and expect them to resolve your pain. And that is basically what a lot of dumpee's do, they expect the dumper to take away their pain when there is no 'kind' way to do it, and that just extends false hopes and dependencies and bonds that must be broken in order for both people to move on. So he's not a 'different person,' he is just a person who has fallen out of love with you and may have fond memories and be very sorry that he's hurt you, but he no longer has the depth of emotional bonds towards you that you do towards him. So your task becomes going on your own journey of un-coupling, and focusing very hard on that task rather than trying to hang onto someone when they've clearly bolted and uncoupled from you. The sooner you uncouple, the soon you will feel better.

 

There can be a lot of churn after a breakup because humans are complex intellectually/emotionally, and detachment (falling out of love) does indeed take time, but his arc on falling out of love is SOONER than yours is and you are forced into it rather than it being a choice so it is harder for you. but you need to focus on the fact that your task now is accepting that he has uncoupled, that he WANTED to uncouple or he wouldn't have done it, and now your task is to uncouple and break those emotional bonds with him because he's not interested in reciprocating anymore.

 

btw, another person is frequently the catalyst for someone leaving, i.e., they have been discontented for a long time and thinking of leaving, and then someone who attracts them shows up on the horizon and they tell themselves, i don't want to miss that opportunity so that is when they choose to jump. So it is a convenient ride out of town so to speak. It is shocking for you, but just another aspect of how people uncouple, and some people just don't have the strength to leave on their own no matter how discontented they are, so they look for someone else to boost them out of the relationship. Your BF may or may not have done that, but the bottom line is he did uncouple, and it is now your task to work on uncoupling yourself and forming your own new life with new people and things that don't include him. Don't expect him to continue to act like your beloved or partner anymore, because he just isn't, as much as you'd like him to be. So your focus now should be on YOU and healing YOU and accepting that he just was not interested in continuing with you, so you need to go on your own arc of uncoupling, heal, and you WILL find someone who does want you.

 

But i do suggest that if you want marriage and a family, you don't let someone go on 11 years without marrying you. If they aren't ready after a couple years, they will probably never be ready, so make it clear from the beginning that your goal is marriage and family and not a perpetual live in relationship, and if the guy isn't interested in that after a couple years, move on.

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What you wrote here reminded me of what my ex was like in the couple of months, and even weeks before he left.

He took me away for my birthday and did whatever i asked him to (very unusual behaviour) and kept saying 'it's your birthday, i'll do whatever you like'. I remembered thinking 'wow, this is the first time in 6 years he's been so attentive on my birthday'.

Then about 2 weeks before he left, he bought a new car. He turned to me afterwards and said 'i am sorry, i should have bought a 4 door and not a 2 door, a family car would have been more suitable.' We had been talking about settling and starting a family.

Then a few days before he left, we went to visit my brother who just had a baby boy. We gave him cuddles, and on leaving he said to me 'Let's start trying now. Let's have our own'.

 

A few days later he was gone, and engaged to this woman within 4 months.

So like you, i was completely knocked sideways and questioning all these things he had been doing and saying for some time before. I had been amazed in his impeccable behaviour and lack of selfishness. He was suddenly being Mr Caring. I thought i was lucky in him being on his best behaviour, but i should have seen this as a red flag that something wasn't right.

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>>He was suddenly being Mr Caring. I thought i was lucky in him being on his best behaviour,

 

He's feeling guilty about what he's thinking/feeling/knows he might well do. It's one last hurrah on his way out. Many dumpers are very conflicted and are having a 'yes-no-yes-no-yes-no' dialog in their heads about whether to leave or not, and then something finally tips them in the 'leave' direction and they bolt (and in that case it was another woman who was obviously extremely appealing to him if he got engaged in 4 months).

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>> wonder what life is trying to teach me from this. To not trust people's words, that love does not last, that I am unlovable and all men will eventually leave me.

 

btw, if you are slipping too far into negativity and this kind of unrealistic thinking, i would suggest counseling. And 11.5 years is a long relationship, so i think it would be very healthy for you to consider some counseling to help talk thru it and decompress and let go. Counseling can't avoid the pain, but it can help move you along faster on the curve to getting better and freeing yourself emotionally so that you are ready to look for someone new and get on with your life and meet your goals of marriage and family.

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Just a minor comment. The initial uncoupling/detachment happens subconsciously, as the initiator feels something is wrong/missing and starts to do the above. The initial reaction is not to separate right away, but rather gradually and imminently move in that direction. Rewriting memories, focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship, etc. all help the initiator in his/her journey.

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You can't expect to go to the source of your pain and expect them to resolve your pain. And that is basically what a lot of dumpee's do, they expect the dumper to take away their pain when there is no 'kind' way to do it, and that just extends false hopes and dependencies and bonds that must be broken in order for both people to move on. So he's not a 'different person,' he is just a person who has fallen out of love with you and may have fond memories and be very sorry that he's hurt you, but he no longer has the depth of emotional bonds towards you that you do towards him.

 

Don't expect him to continue to act like your beloved or partner anymore, because he just isn't, as much as you'd like him to be.

 

Well put. This is helpful.

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Thanks, babydoll2305. It's very difficult to grasp and come to terms with a breakup, especially when you replay the positive memories and experiences shared with that person, contrasted by the cold indifference toward the latter half of the relationship.

 

I too had been saving up for a house as well as an engagement ring and when I was finally ready, apparently she wasn't. She just told me to save the money I would've put toward the ring and use it towards buying a house...by myself. And that she would never ever want to have kids and that she'd rather have her uterus taken out than have children. Compare those harsh statements to when she used to mention marriage frequently right down to the music selection. She used to call me her future "hubby" and that she might consider having children with me in the future someday. My favorite is when she would text me on numerous occasions early in the morning about a nightmare she had where I had broken up with her. Self-fullfilling prophecy I guess.

 

Fortunately I'm 31, as was she and I know I will find someone who will reciprocate my love and everything I did in ways she was never capable of doing. Hard to think of this imaginary person, but gotta keep positive I guess.

 

The question you have to ask yourself is, if your ex came back, would you take him back? Only then are you ready to heal and move on. I sometimes struggle with that same question. All I can hope for is a self realization washing over the ex regarding how badly they hurt me, followed by some serious regret.

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Just a minor comment. The initial uncoupling/detachment happens subconsciously, as the initiator feels something is wrong/missing and starts to do the above. The initial reaction is not to separate right away, but rather gradually and imminently move in that direction. Rewriting memories, focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship, etc. all help the initiator in his/her journey.

 

I don't honestly think it's always subconscious. Having been on both sides, I'm quite sure a lot of it was deliberate. When on the receiving end and I felt my (then wife now ex wife) started to drift away, I clung harder to her in the hope it would stop her. Honestly? I was wasting my time but I only had a fraction of the understanding of relationships that I do now. What should I have done? If I had the ability to travel back in time to advise my former self, I don't know. Perhaps I should have just withdrawn myself and de-invested myself from the marriage.

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All I can hope for is a self realization washing over the ex regarding how badly they hurt me, followed by some serious regret.

 

No they don't. They don't really care how much they hurt you and will quite deliberately do things without considering your feelings at all. When I look back on my marriage break-up, I often felt that my ex was deliberately making the break-up and aftermath as hard as it could be in the hope that I committed suicide. I realised later that, really, my feelings and I didn't enter her head for one minute. She had emotionally left a long time ago.

 

When I was in her situation a while later, I was with a girl but neither married nor co-habiting. Quite honestly, I "traded" her for someone more attractive. I told myself that we were not suited to marriage (actually not a lie) but quite honestly, she didn't deserve to be dumped. This was before the days of social media but I found out later that she did marry someone else and have kids, so felt pleased she had moved on.

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